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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think "...but I can't drive" is a rubbish excuse

254 replies

OneHandFlapping · 18/03/2012 11:04

Over and again on threads where a DH is being some kind of a nob, the OP responds to excellent advice by saying, "I can't go anywhere/get a job/etc because I can't drive."

Unless you have a disability or medical condition that stops you, then WHY NOT? You are making yourself a victim, if you are dependent on your DH for transport.

OP posts:
bettybat · 18/03/2012 11:53

Your!

BabyDubsEverywhere · 18/03/2012 11:54

To be honest, if your reason for driving is to show your DH you can do what you like or get out of a shitty situation with him then id be ploughing my money into a divorce not a fucking car! Transport is not your problem - a cunt of a DH is!

MistyMountainHop · 18/03/2012 11:56

its so expensive to learn to drive though, i was given lessons when i was 17 and passed after 4 tests Blush all paid for luckily by my parents

but if you have to pay yourself its so much harder, i know a few people in their 20's / 30's that have never learnt as they just can;t afford it

Jenstar21 · 18/03/2012 11:56

It's also a bit of a pet hate of mine too. We both drive, and I couldn't imagine not being able to. For example, two weeks ago, I had to go to A&E at about 2am. Despite living in a large town, our nearest A&E is about 20 miles away. Had we not both been able to drive, DP wouldn't have been able to take me. Just one example....

Also, I do understand about the cost thing. Although I passed my test at 17, I couldn't afford a car until I was in my late 20s. But, I could always hire/borrow one, and did. It was an invaluable skill. I also regularly had to drive a pool car at my work - an essential part of the work.

My cousin lives in the small country village where we're from - no trains, and only 1 bus an hour, and not after about 9pm. He drives, but his wife doesn't, and relies on him taking her everywhere. He regularly offers to pay for her to learn to drive, and yet she refuses. I just don't get it....

RealLifeIsForWimps · 18/03/2012 11:57

You also live in London, where, despite the residents complaining 24/7 about TFL, the public transport is in fact a million times better than anywhere else in the country

I think that driving/ not driving is a personal choice. It is however, a bit short sighted to move somewhere where you are dependent on the goodwill of A N Other to drive you just to be able to fulfill your daily routine or have a reasonable quality of life (eg not where going to the libraryby public transport involves 4 buses and a 3 hr round trip). There was a great article in the Indy a few years ago about retired people moving back into cities because they realised how isolating/ limiting it is to live in semi rural areas with limited public transport.

TheLightPassenger · 18/03/2012 12:00

agree with chibi. I can't drive - a lovely mixture of dreadful spatial awareness and an anxiety disorder probably makes it a public service that I don't, quite frankly. But I wouldn't choose to live somewhere without good bus AND train links (cover all bases)!

Like Lissie, I am a bit gobsmacked at the idea of needing a driving license to escape the house if your partner is being an arse.

kickingking · 18/03/2012 12:01

Well, it's really really expensive for a start. And if you require a lot of lessons or have to take multiple tests...well, it's crippling. If a woman us being controlled, where would she get the money from?

I do agree that it's a life skill, and everyone (medical conditions excepted) should learn as soon as they can. I speak as someone who started learning at 21 and took LOADS of tests and just could not pass. Seriously, one of the mist demoralising experiences of my life. I've passed now though, and would hate to not have my own car, but it didn't hinder me massively before - I walked, got buses and taxis, and the occasional lift. Where it did get tricky was with work/childcare drop offs and pick ups - though not impossible.

MadameChinLegs · 18/03/2012 12:02

It is a plus, being able to drive, for all sorts of reasons. However, there are some people that can't or won't for very valid reasons.

However I do think that it should play a factor in decisions that you make such as where you live and where you work.

I drive. My DH doesn't. He uses public transport to get to work and back, and to pop any places that we are not going together. This played a factor when we looked to buy somewhere, and will when we look again in the future.

Kayzr · 18/03/2012 12:04

I think that if you are going to learn to drive so you can run away from your twat of a DH/DP then you have far bigger problems than being able to drive.

bronze · 18/03/2012 12:05

I'm currently learning. I first started about six years ago but then I had was in hospital and had dd prem so we were skint and I didn't have time for a while.
I am now learning again and it's costing us a bloody fortune, I can't go out and practice so all my driving has to be lessons which of course means its taking longer. I have to have my lessons on Saturdays so cant have more even if we could afford it.
But I am bloody learning. And one say I will be able to drive
Whether we can then afford to insure me is another matter

Dustinthewind · 18/03/2012 12:06

Very odd how marrying an abusive control freak and learning to drive or not are tangled up here, as if they are somehow related.
Unless it's about the passive, dominated, abusive relationships that some girls are brought up in and then get into as adults.
But most of the non-drivers on this thread seem confident and empowered, so what's the link? If you can't drive and marry an abuser, he won't let you learn?
I think that's the least of your problems, as babydubs said.

kickingking · 18/03/2012 12:09

One of the best things I did just after passing my test was one evening, when DH was annoying me (he'd not really done anything wrong, it was more me needing some space) I pretended to get a text from a friend asking me to meet for a drink. I hopper in the car, drive to Tesco, bought a magazine and some chocolate and sat in the car park chilling out to some music. Then I drove home. DH is still none the wiser! Grin

So, I suppose I couldn't have done that if I couldn't drive....

UnChartered · 18/03/2012 12:09

definitely agree if you need to drive so that you can escape an abusive relationship, then you need far more than driving lessons

i think (after reading this thread) the OP is trying to push the point that we shouldn't be educating our DDs that they are right to rely on a partner driving, but is forgetting that if we teach them to be self reliant and confident, getting on a bus is also possible

MrsSleepy · 18/03/2012 12:09

I drive DH doesn't, It was more beneficial for me to learn rather than him.

Selky · 18/03/2012 12:10

Bronze insuring me was very cheap (putting me on DH's insurance) given my advanced age.

Granted, if you are in your twenties it will be much higher.

Hassled · 18/03/2012 12:11

I can't drive and it didn't prevent me from leaving my Ex-H.

I think the OP is being incredibly simplistic here. Those women who say "I can't leave bastard OH because I can't drive" are actually saying "I can't leave bastard OH because I'm completely dependent on him, have no self-esteem and have come to the point where I don't have the strength to show initiative". And that's the problem, not the driving.

bronze · 18/03/2012 12:12

I'm 31 but will have to drive a bigger car as we have four children. We did just change that car though so it will be a cheaper one

bronze · 18/03/2012 12:14

And I could leave him easily if I chose to. Well maybe not easily but the driving wouldn't be a factor. My parent don't drive so I grew up training (and bussing it) it is more difficult now as we live in my dhs home county and the facilities are worse b
But
If I was leaving him I wouldn't be staying here anyway

OracleInaCoracle · 18/03/2012 12:16

Kicking, once, dh was pissing me off so I went to the local pub with my kindle and sat there alone for an hour. No car required.

WhenDoISleep · 18/03/2012 12:21

bronze - as I said above DH has just passed his test this week and been added to our insurance. He is 32, the car is a VW Touran and it cost nothing additional on the premiums.

What I did a few months ago was ring up and ask the ins. co to give me a quote of how much the premium would change to add DH on when he passed his test. I would suggest that you/policy holder ring and ask - at least that way you know how much you might have to find for your insurance.

mrswoodentop · 18/03/2012 12:21

I think if you come from a family where driving is the norm and live in a place where driving is the norm then the idea of someone not being able to drive is difficut to get your head around.

I learned at 17,as did all my siblings ,my father taught us,not something I would recommend now.My ds1 has just passed aged 18.All his friends bar one ,are either learning or have passed.We have one bus a day to our nearest town and one bus back with 15 mins time difference ,just enough to get off the bus and get back on againAngry

The next nearest town there is one bus a weekAngry

Unless people live In London I an afraid today that it never occurs to me that they haven't got a driving licence ,we did employ someone a while ago who turned out not to drive.Everytime we had a meeting with another organisation they had to come to us ,she was unable to make meetings elsewhere etc.It definitely affected her career prospects so I do think that if at all possible it is a good thing to do

MissMogwi · 18/03/2012 12:24

I think the cost and having the time for lessons is a huge reason why people don't drive. I am learning now, and it's very expensive. I can only practise on the lessons so it's taking longer and costing more.

It's easy to judge others from outside the situation, but the people you are referring to in your OP are obviously not in balanced, healthy relationships. Yes, they probably should give their partners a kick up the arse, but it's not that easy.

JaneB1rkin · 18/03/2012 12:25

Ooh I HATE these threads especially when they are having a go at some poor sod on another one. Get a grip, OP. Being able to drive is not the answer to every problem in the world, certainly not every abusive marriage.

I learned when I was 21 and it was very expensive then, even before the theory test came in.

I think it's a very important skill for many people to have, not everyone, but a lot of people will find it useful and liberating. My mother can but won't drive, she hates it. My sister can't yet but I intend to kick her up the arse about it!

The younger you learn the better; I teach ds1 already, he's only 8, but bits and pieces about the gears and how to indicate and why I am swearing at certain drivers Grin I will let him drive with me as soon as he's allowed, and if I can find a bit of private land to use, sooner than that. But I'd do the same with a girl.

inmysparetime · 18/03/2012 12:28

I cannot drive (even after thousands of lessons, and 4 failed tests during one of which I almost hit a busBlush)
I am very easily distracted, by things like windscreen wipers, wondering where my keys are, thinking of song lyrics etc.
It is better for my fellow road users that I don't drive, but it hasn't stopped me getting a job and continuing my education.
In the OPs scenario, I would think not driving is a factor, but low self esteem and confidence would be the bigger issue. People in these situations need support and practical help though, not condemnation of their life choices.

slatternlymother · 18/03/2012 12:28

It cost us around £500 to put DH through a week's intensive course. It was before we were married about 3 years ago. In fact, most people spend more on getting married than £500! Rather than a fancy day, how about learning a life skill first? And yes, it does seem to me that more non drivers are women; and if they become Mums, it can be really hard not having a car.

My parents were not well off, but when I was 17 they bought me some lessons; I bought the rest with money from my Saturday job, and I practised in my boyfriends car at the weekends to cut down on lesson time. I hated every minute of it, but I am so glad I did it now.

If you live in a place where public transport is ok, I can see why it might not be top of the agenda, but living where I do it's absolutely essential.