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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think "...but I can't drive" is a rubbish excuse

254 replies

OneHandFlapping · 18/03/2012 11:04

Over and again on threads where a DH is being some kind of a nob, the OP responds to excellent advice by saying, "I can't go anywhere/get a job/etc because I can't drive."

Unless you have a disability or medical condition that stops you, then WHY NOT? You are making yourself a victim, if you are dependent on your DH for transport.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/03/2012 11:35

"if your family can't afford to run two cars many people might think it wasn't worth learning."

What does that have to do with it? A family with one car can have two qualified drivers.

Iggly · 18/03/2012 11:35

YABU

It cost me around £1k to learn to drive last year. That's a lot of money for many. I do live in London though so don't need a car but with two DC it's tough!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 18/03/2012 11:36

My DH learned to drive in about about 1992 and hated every minute of his lessons. He drove once after passing his test then never again.

But we don't have the "I drove last time so I can drink this time" arguements because I don't drink (well about every 2 years when I'm on holiday).

He's not happy at all behind the wheel, he wouldn't be happy driving the DC.
He gets the bus to work, which suits him because parking is a nightmare. He has some quiet time with his iPod.

The only time I've ever felt Hmm was a couple of years back on Hallowe'en.We drove the DC to Gullivers (about 90 minutes) .On the way home after a very busy day, the 2 DC and DH fell asleep as soon as I got on the M1. The turds.

Iggly · 18/03/2012 11:38

TheFeminist you could have two hours a week (I'd recommend it) plus take your DH out for lots of practise. Make sure he understands he's not to criticise and you do set things eg drive around local/test areas and practice manoeuvres. You will pass quicker!

Original poster
OneHandFlapping · 18/03/2012 11:38

I can't remember how much my lessons were - it was 30 years ago now. It was money well spent. The sense of freedom in driving yourself wherever you want to go, and knowing you are not trapped, EVER is worth it.

If DH is a nob on a Sunday, or late at night, I can fuck off. If he says you can't do X, or I'm not taking you to Y, I can just wave goodbye as I zoom off down the road.

Why would anyone not want this freedom?

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 18/03/2012 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AMAZINWOMAN · 18/03/2012 11:39

I have passed my test but can't afford to run a car. I think more and more people are struggling to afford a car too as petrol and insurance are really expensive.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 18/03/2012 11:41

TheFeministsWife- think long and hard before getting your DH to teach you. That way madness lies.

One of my school friends had a driving school (both parents and all 3 DC became Driving Instructors)

They said one of the worst things was teaching someone who had been 'taught' by a DP.

I used to sit with my DH in his L Plates when he drove us home.I said I wasn't going to teach him, he had to do what instructor had told him. My face was Confused the whole time and my tongue nearly bitten off.

SofaKing · 18/03/2012 11:41

Yabu.
Neither dh nor I can drive. We use public transport and so do our 3 DC
Driving is only a useful skill if you live somewhere with poor public transport or if you have a disability. I've lost count of the number of drivers I know who have been unable to get about if their car is off the road, even though we have very good public transport in our town. It's simply learned helplessness, an excuse for not going out because it is no longer as easy as getting in a car.

I suspect a lot of the women you are talking about have been conditioned to think they cannot get out without a car where they probably could if they tried. The not driving isn't the issue, I suspect it is more that asserting themselves would cause conflict with their partner.

valiumredhead · 18/03/2012 11:42

30 years ago the lesson would've been MUCH cheaper than they are today. When I had mine I was paying £26 a lesson and near my test I needed 2 per week, that is a LOT of money and we were only able to do it because we moved and it freed up some money. The tests alone are a fortune along with the lesson before them plus now you have the theory tests too which if you have any chance of passing it's best to buy the learning DVD's.

30 years ago the test was piss easy Wink

I also wouldn't be with anyone how told me to fuck off if I asked them a favour.

Selky · 18/03/2012 11:42

I am in my forties. It took me 3 years £5,564 and 8 tests to get my licence.

(I was very nervous have had family members killed in car accidents - several of my male cousins do not drive either very unusual in the rural area we come from).

It is hard and expensive.

detachandtrustyourself · 18/03/2012 11:43

It's not just about learning to drive. You also need access to money (and even if you're working the abusive partner can make sure you don't have access to that money). for a car, insurance, repairs, MOT, petrol....

Plus as said above, some people find it really difficult to drive, even if passed the test. We don't all have the same skills.

valiumredhead · 18/03/2012 11:43

who not how

everlong · 18/03/2012 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shanghaidiva · 18/03/2012 11:44

Re excuses - mil gets on my nerves when she tells me how stressful it is for them to visit his father as fil has to do all the driving. I have known her for 24 years and she has made no attempt to learn. Finances are not an issue. My mum was widowed at 58 but passed her test at 18 so remained independent. Mentioned to mil at the time that in a similar situation she would struggle, but she blithely said she has lots of friends to drive around so it would not be a problem.
Meanwhile back on planet earth...

Kayzr · 18/03/2012 11:48

OP, if you pay for me to have some sort of hypnotherapy or something so that I don't have a panic attack when I get behind the wheel and then pay for my lessons too I will learn to drive.

My DP works away, his car sits doing bugger all in the garage for 10 weeks. I have to walk the 2 mile round trip to school 3 times a day 4 times a week. No matter what the weather and despite being 27 weeks pg with SPD starting up.

I'd love to be able to drive but I can't.

YABVVVVVU

BabyDubsEverywhere · 18/03/2012 11:48

I have quite extreme social phobia, (as well as other things!) So yes a medical condition, but as I am reminded often "it's all in my head" Hmm

I cant drive, use a bus or even walk far without my DH with me. I am completely reliant on him. We get by quite happily, i have a good man who loves me and takes care of me, I do the same for him in other ways. We dont see it as a bad thing being mutually dependant on one another thanks.

Everyone has their own story, for many being able to drive is so far down the list of priorities that it doesnt feature, and yes it may well open a lot of doors and make life easier, but if there are more pressing concerns its still down the list!

Takver · 18/03/2012 11:48

"How do poor men learn then, because this really seems to be a female thing?"

erm, maybe because typically a woman will only earn 70% of what a man does, which leaves much less for expensive things like driving lessons, let alone running a car?

everlong · 18/03/2012 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

suburbandream · 18/03/2012 11:49

Owning a car is very expensive - "I can't drive" is no excuse if you can possibly walk/bus it. I do drive but I absolutely hate it and walk or take public transports as much as possible. Plus petrol is so expensive these days that it's cheaper to get public transport where I am (London, so oyster card bus v.cheap). Not complaining about petrol being expensive by the way but that's another debate!

Dustinthewind · 18/03/2012 11:49

' It's simply learned helplessness, an excuse for not going out because it is no longer as easy as getting in a car.'

You just wouldn't believe how some teenagers will grumble if they don't have a lift on tap.
At first.
Then they learn to manage to get themselves around very nicely, especially with the example of a ferociously independent grandmother in her late 70s hopping on and off public transport.

OracleInaCoracle · 18/03/2012 11:51

If DH is a nob on a Sunday, or late at night, I can fuck off. If he says you can't do X, or I'm not taking you to Y, I can just wave goodbye as I zoom off down the road.

Why would anyone not want this freedom?

I have that freedom. There these things called taxis, buses and trains. They are marvellous. I agree that not being able to drive is no excuse to put up with abuse, but fear of abuse is nmot a reason to learn.

OracleInaCoracle · 18/03/2012 11:51

If DH is a nob on a Sunday, or late at night, I can fuck off. If he says you can't do X, or I'm not taking you to Y, I can just wave goodbye as I zoom off down the road.

Why would anyone not want this freedom?

I have that freedom. There these things called taxis, buses and trains. They are marvellous. I agree that not being able to drive is no excuse to put up with abuse, but fear of abuse is nmot a reason to learn.

chibi · 18/03/2012 11:51

i can't because i can't drive can mean

i can't deal with the grief i'll get from my OH if i go out

i can't afford to learn

i don't fancy going to x y z and this is a way to say it unoffensively

i am afraid

i am scarily dependent on my OH and i don't know how or am afraid of stopping

FWIW i can't drive, but it hasn't curtailled my life other than i will never live in the middle of boondock nowhere, but big whoop. I work, socialise etc. The women the OP is directed at may well be vulnerable, and i can appreciate the frustration, but 'quit being a victim' is unlikely to be helpful, or facilitate change

bettybat · 18/03/2012 11:52

OP, you sound so oddly, aggressively irritated by the concept of some people being trapped in their marriages and circumstances.

Driving or not driving has nothing to do with it. It's completely irrelevant. If a person has been conditioned to think they are trapped, no amount of actual, physical freedom will release them from the trap they're in.

I don't drive, neither does my DH. I moved to London at 18, and didn't really see the point learning. Besides, I didn't have the luxury of spending my money on driving lessons - to call it an essential skill is laughable and really very, very sad and just goes to show the state the human being is in, in the 21st century! I don't drive for many reasons - cost being one, being resourceful being another, not wishing to contribute to the environmental damage being a third - to name a few! But let me tell you - the lack of driving ability has never stopped me flouncing out the door either! And that's mainly because I am not in a state of mind where I am trapped Hmm

You're view is very odd indeed.