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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be annoyed that DH has stayed out all night?

187 replies

CeliaDeBohun · 18/03/2012 06:08

He was out all afternoon yesterday, doing a sponsored walk for charity (obviously I'm not complaining about that) then came home for about three hours and went out again for a mate's birthday. Said he would definitely be coming home rather than staying out but when DS (18 months old) woke up at 4am I realised he was still out. I called him and his phone was off. Rung one of his friends, they put me on to him and he was still awake, party still in full swing. Sounded quite annoyed that I'd rung and said he would be back but was pretty vague.

I couldn't get back to sleep after that and DS woke up properly about twenty mins ago so now we're up and when DH does get home, he'll be useless as he'll need to sleep for a good few hours before he can help with anything. I probably am being unreasonable as it's not like he does this every weekend. And single parents do have to cope on their own weekend. Actually, reading that back makes me realise that this thread sounds petty and spoilt Blush

I do feel really annoyed though! Can't help it. Aaargh!

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/03/2012 14:04

I can understand how you have ended up feeling as you do in that situation, definitely.

But try and be positive. You have a great opportunity to spend some time at home while your children are young, and if you sort out driving and your finances then it can be a period of real freedom I have found.
You get to set your own agenda, go where you like and you have no timetable, no school terms, nothing.

Take advantage while you can and enjoy it :)

PurpleBlue · 20/03/2012 14:07

Celia I have followed this thread too but mostly lurked, just wanted to ask you if you have thought of going back to college and getting a career of your own? out of interest? you are very articulate and come across as intelligent to me

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/03/2012 14:15

Listen to yourself Smile if you went to work you would have to pay someone loads to do what you do, for free. Because what you do is valuable. Otherwise we wouldn't pay people to do it, would we?

BTW we both have an allowance in our house. Money comes in, bills and saving etc. are met then the rest is split two ways for fun money. I wouldn't have pocket money if he wasn't on the same amount and he could spend it on coke and booze but when it is gone, it is gone.

CeliaDeBohun · 20/03/2012 15:48

Thank you PurpleBlue I've got attention deficit disorder and am hopelessly unacademic, sadly. It's really lovely of you to say that though Blush

OP posts:
redwineformethanks · 20/03/2012 16:11

Like MrsTerryPratchett, we have a joint account for bills and once those are paid, we each have a set amount which goes into our separate current accounts for spending money. It works well for us. Perhaps this would be a good compromise for you too? Good luck

If you agree he will come home by 2.30am he doesn't have to justify this to his friends. He can just leave at 2am to come home. You don't need to come across as the bad guy

kerala · 20/03/2012 16:19

For someone "hopelessly unacademic" in your posts you come across as intelligent and thoughtful and you write well. You need to boost your self confidence though I think (arm chair psychology). YOur DH is lucky to have you. Has he checked out how much full time childcare would cost if you werent around to provide it? Plus all the other stuff you no doubt do. Value yourself more.

AnyFucker · 20/03/2012 17:33

why would the cost of childcare come out of only your wages, were you to work ?

they are his dc too

YouOldSlag · 20/03/2012 18:02

Celia, don't ever feel grateful or beholden to him because he financially supports you and your DS. He is supposed to. You are a team. You do your work i.e cooking, cleaning, childcare. laundry and he does his i.e the paid work.

(This is not being old fashioned by the way, I would say the same if you were the breadwinner and he was at home)

Both jobs are equal and necessary. Don't apologise, don't feel guilty. It is no less than you deserve and are entitled to as his wife and the mother of the child you have together.

I wish you all the best. be proud of what you do and know that you have an equal footing.

He couldn't do it without you. Remember that.

toomuchsand · 20/03/2012 18:36

celia, glad its all out in the open -and agree with lots of posters you seem perfectly capable to me.. there is more to work than academic though, painting, doing up old pots or whatever and selling at fetes and ebay..am hopeless at crafts myself:) but just trying to say, not everyone is academic.

agree, enjoy your time with your ds, learn to drive, even at one of those places you go for a week and take the test- dh could look after your ds and bond a bit:) be nice for when ds starts school or nursery... sounds like you need some wheels! or you could get a bike for the summer, with a child seat, get out, make some buddies for yuou and ds?

agree too, its both your money. i am a sahm and i never feel bad about spending:) its not like i am buying lv shoes for trotting round the shops, just normal spending, coffee shops - teaching dc's how to sit nicely in cafes etc. hair cuts, etc accept the joint account, why not? and do the accounts for the home- out of interest, does he have an allowance to to spend and save the rest?

btw my dh works all hours and has been known to stay out til the wee hours. once or twice. i went ballistic as like you say its not fair on the dc's or me. he will do it again i know, but i am better prepared now, ie have a plan- get up, get kids out of house, turn off mobile, (empty milk down sink, thank you previous poster) go to activity or indoor soft play, lunch AND dinner out) plus buy myself something, a new book or magazine, or clothes. and of course, no horizontal jogging. for ages:)

dollymixtures · 20/03/2012 21:53

Celia, I understand what you're saying about being dependant and 'taking as little as possible' - I felt the same despite DP telling me how daft I was being and sometimes literally pushing money into my hands Hmm. Even though I knew that being with the children was important (and I enjoyed it) and in fact enabled him to work, I still felt cheeky spending money that didn't feel like mine Blush

Do you want to work? Although you've said you aren't academic I've got to second what others have said, on this thread you come across as very together and articulate. I think there are lots of things you could do, especially if learn to drive Wink

DinahMoHum · 20/03/2012 22:00

im so glad you sorted it out. Sometimes you do just have to be direct.

btw, loads of people have seperate accounts. me and dp always have. My mum and her dp have seperate accounts. Theres nothing wrong with it

CeliaDeBohun · 21/03/2012 10:37

Thanks, everyone, for your kind words. I really do appreciate them Smile

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