to be annoyed that DH has stayed out all night?

[CeliaDeBohun]

He was out all afternoon yesterday, doing a sponsored walk for charity (obviously I'm not complaining about that) then came home for about three hours and went out again for a mate's birthday. Said he would definitely be coming home rather than staying out but when DS (18 months old) woke up at 4am I realised he was still out. I called him and his phone was off. Rung one of his friends, they put me on to him and he was still awake, party still in full swing. Sounded quite annoyed that I'd rung and said he would be back but was pretty vague.

I couldn't get back to sleep after that and DS woke up properly about twenty mins ago so now we're up and when DH does get home, he'll be useless as he'll need to sleep for a good few hours before he can help with anything. I probably am being unreasonable as it's not like he does this every weekend. And single parents do have to cope on their own weekend. Actually, reading that back makes me realise that this thread sounds petty and spoilt

I do feel really annoyed though! Can't help it. Aaargh!

Personally no. I definately wouldn't and haven't. I didn't indulge in anything for so long with pregnancy and breast feeding that I just kinda got out the mood. And I'd be dissapointed if DH did what the OP's husband has. I don't have a problem within indulging every now and again, asking as long as he doesn't have any responsibility the next day or isn't around ds. it's about respect for me, you should only ever take drugs( or drink for that matter) if you can respect the drug, respect yourself and respect the people around you. Some people might not think that's possible, and i dare say for some it isn't, but that's my opinion.

Now I have read the other posts by the OP I have to say that I would never ever be with someone that goes out and takes drugs.

He'll come home and your son will have to watch his dad come down. It's disgusting

Just to say, not attempting to turn this thread into a "should parents ever take drugs debate". That's always going to be a subject that is extremely personal, and for some people it is not possible atall to take drugs occasionally, recreationally or without harm to theirselves or others. Which is why some people hd the view that total prohibition and abstinence is the only way. And I can respect that.

No, he's not back. He did ring me an hour ago and offered to come home but I said at this stage there probably wouldn't be much point as he wouldn't be in a fit state to help with DS. Maybe that's me being a martyr but as I said before, I don't want to have to tell him to come home. That feels so demeaning somehow. He did kind of apologise and he kept saying that he loves me. Because clearly that wipes out all of the inconsiderate behaviour

Unfortunately I can't go anywhere unless it's a walk down to the supermarket and back. It really is quite a small place that we live in. There's no park, as such, just a kids play area near the shops (and DS is too little for all but one swing). Can't walk further afield as it's either a walk through country lanes with the buggy, which doesn't feel safe to me, or a walk by the river and the buggy's too lightweight for offroading. Our friends who live locally were all out last night and my parents don't live here - when I was pregnant, we were still living in a bigger town where my family live. Oh and I've got no money to go to the pub with either!

I don't mean to sound like I'm just dismissing peoples' suggestions for getting DS and I out of the house, it would be brilliant if we could do any of these things! I know that being stuck here is the most unhealthy thing of all as the resentment and sadness festers more but we really don't have any options. I've honestly got half a mind to tell DH that I want to move somewhere that's got a railway station because of times like these.

He really is a lovely, generous man and he's a wonderful father to DS. 99% of the time, he's the perfect husband. Which is why I thought I was BU at 6am today. But now that it's 9:30 and I'm getting more tired and fed up, I'm feeling more aggrieved about it. Like I said, I don't grudge him a night out but this just isn't fair.

im assuming shes asking whether it was ok to go out without prior arrangement and knowledge, as opposed to whether its ok to go on an all nighter at all. Would be better to get the issues straight.

Ive certainly gone on all nighters since ive had children, and so has my dp but just staying out without telling anyone first and switching the phone off is unreasonable and disrespectful.

" it's about respect for me, you should only ever take drugs( or drink for that matter) if you can respect the drug, respect yourself and respect the people around you."

Well there's been an undeniable failure of "respecting the people around you" here.

Respect would have involved at the very least a call to the OP before the first line was taken to make sure she would be OK being left alone all day today while he recovered elsewhere.

Responsible parents and good partners don't get to just decide to start taking coke and fuck the next day.

Isn't he able to say no once it's offered? (Many "once in a blue moon" users are not.)

Staying out all night taking drugs when you've said to your wife, who is looking after your child, that you will be home, and turning your phone off so she can't get hold of you is shitty, pathetic bastard territory.

The lack of respect for the OP (and their son) might as well be written by a skywriter for all its subtlety.

"Dear wife, you and our child are but a secondary consideration in my life. I am quite happy to humiliate you in front of my friends. Screw you for ever going out and having fun. See you when I feel like showing up!"

Dont be a door mat.

I think he knows full well you wont bend his ear.

He must have work tomorrow? That'll be fun.

Hell, I'd be beyond furious.

I would also be phoning his mother with DS to wish her a happy mother's day , and apologise that you won't be able to make a family visit to them as DH is still not back from an all night party, so you are calling on behalf of DS instead.

I wouldn't accept the drug use either.

Your DH seems to think that being a parent is optional, and I agree with the Pp who says he is punishing you for daring to go out.

How is he going to get home? It will be several hours before he is in any state to drive. Please don't go out to give him peace to sleep it off.

If all there is is a walk to the supermarket, do that. Get yourself a lovely treat for lunch and a new book or magazine and go to the play area. It is a long time until bed time so even just an hour or 2 out will help break up the day.

"That feels so demeaning somehow."

That's because it is.

You have been utterly demeaned.

He really is a lovely, generous man and he's a wonderful father to DS. 99% of the time, he's the perfect husband.
Really? Call me old-fashioned, but if my son-in-law behaved like your husband has, that isn't how I would be expecting my daughter to describe him.

He is behaving like an unencumbered 20 year-old, which he clearly isn't. Time he grew up.
(and btw, can you afford these little 'benders' of his?)

No, he's not back. He did ring me an hour ago and offered to come home
Offered to come home??
How very big and generous of him.
He should have just come home, very apologetic, thinking of how best to make it up to you.
Honestly, OP I am absolutely incensed by this. You are far calmer than I would ever be.

I'd be fuming

My husband has done this once in our 7 years together. I made it clear I wouldn't stand for it - he hasn't done it again.

Would you stay out all night after saying you'd be coming home? Didn't think so. So why accept it from him?

Yeah I agree with you AThing.

I'll bet the OP's husband will say though that it's not really a party if you plan and aren't able to just go with the flow and go where the party takes you, and that in not minding him going to the party she should be prepared for the consequences of the party carrying on, because that's part and parcel of the experience, and he may as well not go atall.

That's what mine would be saying. And what I would have agreed with ore children.

I din't now, but I find it a difficult one to argue with DH about

Pre children, not ore children

I think one of your biggest problems (the twat of a husband is a given) is where you live. Particularly as you don't drive. This makes you totally dependent on him, which is never a good thing.
"Half a mind to tell him" you want to move? Only half???
And why have you no money? Is this a temporary "can't get to the cashpoint" situation, or the normal state of affairs? In which case, how come he had the money to go out on an all-night bender with coke involved?

Read that back and it seems harsh.Sorry, don't mean to be but I'm cross with him on your behalf. Hope you can give yourself a nice day. And I don't see how he can come home any time soon if he's still drunk/high. I certainly wouldn't want him anywhere near a car - only for the protection of other road users of course.

One of his friends has just sent a text to say DH has woken up and is on his way home. I'm guessing he's stayed locally and will walk back unless he's still in the bigger town they went out to and is getting a cab. I didn't like to actually ask where he was when I spoke to him earlier, it just would have felt like I was playing up to the interrogating, nagging bitch stereotype. I know that is pathetic but it felt humiliating enough that I was ringing his friends to check up on him.

I don't really know how to deal with this now. I'm hopeless at getting my point across in an articulate way and my feelings are all muddled up anyway. As he's the sole breadwinner, he's under a lot of pressure and he doesn't get to go out much these days. And I did go away for those two nights last week. But his staying out all night and most of this morning, without letting me know this is what he'd be doing, has really pissed me off and I feel let down.

How do I get this across without sounding like I want to clip his wings? Or without sounding upset and angry?? I know it's easier to dismiss people if they sound emotional and I don't want to be telling him off like I'm his mum and he's my child! The 'telling off' thing makes it harder as I know some of his friends have cast me as this controlling cow who has trapped him and wants to cut him off from his friends. It feels like I'm playing up to that if I say how I'm feeling.

"I'll bet the OP's husband will say though that it's not really a party if you plan and aren't able to just go with the flow and go where the party takes you"

Well if that's how he feels, then he needn't bother going out.

Putting the burden of such a pathetically childish attitude onto an unwilling partner is pathetic.

It's such an obvious load of manipulative bollocks.

Life changes when you have children. Things you could do before without considering anyone else stop being possible when you are jointly responsible for the care of people who need an adult to mind them.

I can't believe you buy an argument that essentially says that your partner's responsibility is provisional and that you have to accept the permanent responsibility that implies because you "agree" to him going out.

Just tell him you don't agree to him going out on those terms. Either he stays in or learns to party like a grown up.

And if he insists he gets to do what he likes at your expense, then you know for sure that he thinks you are subhuman and just exist to make his life easier.

Why don't you just lie down and let him wipe his feet on you as he walks through the door?

It's clearly all you think you are worth.

OP - his wings have been clipped. They were clipped when he chose to have a family.
I can't advise you what to say because I would just lose it, and that isn't very constructive.
Maybe leave it till you've calmed down?
And please, make no effort to keep your dc quiet so that he can sleep it off!

It's not a case of "clipping his wings". It's about him being a responsible parent and growing up. what would have happened if your son had fallen I'll and you couldn't get hold of dp?

As for the coke, you now have to spend mothers day watching him come down. As well as the fact you cannot even afford a trip to the supermarket but he can afford partying and coke.

Stop making excuses for him.

Second the not making ds be quiet thing!!!!! His choice to stay out all night like some teenage idiot who thinks it's clever and no way should u not be able to carry on as if he wasn't there. I'd be hoovering and chasing dc round the house and dancing with dc to the worst children's music I could find but then I'm evil :o

I think I would find some urgent hoovering to do near whichever room he decides to settle in. And maybe there's a shelf to put up requiring the electric drill and some hammering.
Does your ds have any loud toys? Shame the Australian Grand Prix is finished, as that would have been good to have on the TV, loudly.

The fact that you went out this week is irrelevant to what's going on here. Maybe you should write down your points before he gets home, just to clarify them in your mind. Stay calm. Good luck.

X posts!