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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that DH has stayed out all night?

187 replies

CeliaDeBohun · 18/03/2012 06:08

He was out all afternoon yesterday, doing a sponsored walk for charity (obviously I'm not complaining about that) then came home for about three hours and went out again for a mate's birthday. Said he would definitely be coming home rather than staying out but when DS (18 months old) woke up at 4am I realised he was still out. I called him and his phone was off. Rung one of his friends, they put me on to him and he was still awake, party still in full swing. Sounded quite annoyed that I'd rung and said he would be back but was pretty vague.

I couldn't get back to sleep after that and DS woke up properly about twenty mins ago so now we're up and when DH does get home, he'll be useless as he'll need to sleep for a good few hours before he can help with anything. I probably am being unreasonable as it's not like he does this every weekend. And single parents do have to cope on their own weekend. Actually, reading that back makes me realise that this thread sounds petty and spoilt Blush

I do feel really annoyed though! Can't help it. Aaargh!

OP posts:
dollymixtures · 18/03/2012 10:19

OP you don't sound petty or spoilt. Why shouldnt you ring the father of your child when he isnt home as expected at 4 in the morning? For all you knew he could have been lying dead in a gutter. He needs to understand that he has responsibilities now, and they come before his good time.

The entire weekend has basically been given over to his activities. He probably can get away with it while your DS is so small but in a few years your son will demand time with daddy, what will he do then? When he's coming down on Sunday afternoon and his son just wants to trampoline on the bed?

I'm guessing these friends of his don't have children? We were the first in our group of friends to have a family and I know a lot of them were quite Hmm because we wouldn't both drink on nights out, or both go on allnighters.

PosiePumblechook · 18/03/2012 10:23

My DH did this a lot, well not all night but drinks after work turning into 2am! I would go nuts as we never went out as a couple. He would assume that whatever happened I'd be waiting at home, which I did. It took a loooooong time for him to stop, in fact he did it last year, we have four dcs and have been together 14 years.

Sanuk · 18/03/2012 10:28

The fact he did the same thing before Valentine's Day and now Mother's Day does speak volumes to me. OK, it may just be a coincidence. But IMO he's making it clear that he's unwilling to put you first on 'special' days, and I'd go so far as to say he's subconsciously punishing you.

I feel very sad for you that you felt too intimidated and insecure to ask where he was.

You need to find a way of getting some control and independence here.

dollymixtures · 18/03/2012 10:29

"I'll bet the OP's husband will say though that it's not really a party if you plan and aren't able to just go with the flow and go where the party takes you"

This frankly is a steaming pile of childish bollocks. ONCE YOU ARE A PARENT YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES TO YOUR CHILDREN COME BEFORE YOUR RIGHT TO PARTY.

And OP learn to drive, seriously. If he has money to party all night, he has money to pay for lessons for you. If your DS had an accident, how would you get him to hospital, because your DH will be in no state to drive will he?

PosiePumblechook · 18/03/2012 10:32

He is sending you clear messages. My DH just can't say no to booze once he's started.

You share a home and have a baby together, of course you should know where he is. I would be tempted to organise a weekend away at a friend's but do not tell him. Go out on Friday night, tell him you'll be back by ten pm, then get home ten pm Sunday and don't tell him where you've been.

MrsMumf · 18/03/2012 10:34

I find it hard to get my head around that you aren't sure if you should be annoyed. Of course you have every right to be annoyed. He has chosen to go out and leave you holding the fort without keeping you updated or considering how it affects you and your DS.

He would, I suspect, be apoplectic if you did this to him. But then it's your job to be steady and think of DS, I suppose, not his. Obviously.

WhiteTrash · 18/03/2012 10:38

'Hes just woken up' please! He never went to sleep! Do NOT let him try and tell you he just passed out he knew full well what he was doing.

What a swine.

Kayzr · 18/03/2012 10:39

I would be going mad when we walked through the door. That is if I let him come through the door.

I would be telling him that if I thought he ever took drugs again that we would be over.

I can put up with the nights out and staying out all night but only if I have been told first. Then I would be able to go to bed without worrying where he is and it wouldn't be a shock when I woke up to find him not there.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 18/03/2012 10:40

I could forgive the allnighter, but being left with no money and no transport in a place where there's fuck all to do would drive me fucking nuts.

He's being a selfish twat.

PosiePumblechook · 18/03/2012 10:40

Is there any way OP you could leave the house before he gets home? Why would a friend phone and tell you he's just woken up?

ENormaSnob · 18/03/2012 10:42

Just woke up my arse.

You don't just fall asleep after a night on the disco dust.

He is playing you for a fool imo.

Absolutely zero respect.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 18/03/2012 10:58

I would like to nip over OP, and take you and our respective DSs out for the day.

Do you have any friends who could come over maybe?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 18/03/2012 11:00

Ideally LOUD ones Grin

AThingInYourLife · 18/03/2012 11:18

It's great the way the man who married you and chose to have a child with you sticks up for you when his "friends" abuse you by claiming that a father who lives up to his responsibilities is being "controlled".

Presumably, being a decent and generous man, he has never once recounted these childish slanders against you as though they were deserving of any kind of audience?

And presumably he sets these people straight that it is his choice to be a married man and father?

It must pain him greatly to know that you are so affected by these terrible things that are said about you (how do you know about them, incidentally?) that you are unable to have honest and frank discussions with him.

Or could it be that he takes full advantage of the fact that you are so afraid of ever being angry that you let him treat you with no respect?

ImperialBlether · 18/03/2012 11:33

You have to move house. It's just no good for you, to be stuck in a village with no transport.

It's shocking that you say "He might have got a taxi" and "Coke might be involved" when you haven't got the money to go to the pub for lunch. I think you need to be looking for part time work, to avoid him being the sole earner, NOT because it's stressful for him, but because, like the lack of transport, it keeps you dependent.

QuintessentialyHollow · 18/03/2012 11:39

You need to empower yourself.

Last night has proven a few things to you:

  1. You need to move out of the village.
  2. You need the family to budget in driving lessons for you.
  3. You need to look for work.

Because you will not EVER again be in a position that you are stuck in the house without transport in a godforsaken village, without money for either cabfare or even a meal out.

The changes are to happen NOW.

Be firm.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 18/03/2012 11:49

yy re work and moving, or at least learning to drive.

Moobee · 18/03/2012 11:52

I hope you were able to be firm with him - it sounds like you're excusing his behaviour but I would go nuts if my DH did this.

I agree with the others that you have to move and get some equality back in your relationship, it sounds totally lacking.

WhiteTrash · 18/03/2012 12:10

Moving house is a bit extreme isnt it?

Driving lessons yes, so she can get out to places. But theres no need to move if she can drive.

I agree you have to do lessons. Im similae, just moved from the city to the sticks (although no way as sticky as your area) and Im 'stuck' so Im doing driving lessons. Its a necessity.

StealthPolarBear · 18/03/2012 12:13

so is he back? taken to his bed?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 18/03/2012 12:15

I second what Quint has said, you need to take the power back.

Don't let him give you any bollocks about being sole breadwinner, presumably that is a joint decision.
My DH is the only earner in our household, and he wouldn't dream of being so disrespectful towards me, because he values my contribution and views me as his equal.

And sod his friends. He chose to get married and have a family, and he needs to adjust his behaviour accordingly. You are under no obligation to be the 'cool wife' who lets him do whatever the hell he wants with no regard for his child. He should have the self-respect, and the respect for you and your marriage together to tell his friends to wind their necks in when they say things like that.

Bunbaker · 18/03/2012 12:39

"I don't really know how to deal with this now."

Put the stereo on really loud and go out.

WhiteTrash · 18/03/2012 12:44

I thought about the stereo. If you have any Slip Knott of System of a Down, I used to find that was best at getting back at my Bastard Neighbour.

Although tbh if he got that spangled, he'll still be really off it now and'll sleep through anything Id imagine.

Nanny0gg · 18/03/2012 13:00

AThingInYourLife
Very well put.

Doha · 18/03/2012 14:06

He is a TWAT , inconsiderate selfish twat.

As quint says you need to take the power back. Do not forgive and forget. He could have least had the decency to let you know where he was.
Why was his phone turned off? what if there had been an emergency?

He is NOT a good man/father.