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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that DH has stayed out all night?

187 replies

CeliaDeBohun · 18/03/2012 06:08

He was out all afternoon yesterday, doing a sponsored walk for charity (obviously I'm not complaining about that) then came home for about three hours and went out again for a mate's birthday. Said he would definitely be coming home rather than staying out but when DS (18 months old) woke up at 4am I realised he was still out. I called him and his phone was off. Rung one of his friends, they put me on to him and he was still awake, party still in full swing. Sounded quite annoyed that I'd rung and said he would be back but was pretty vague.

I couldn't get back to sleep after that and DS woke up properly about twenty mins ago so now we're up and when DH does get home, he'll be useless as he'll need to sleep for a good few hours before he can help with anything. I probably am being unreasonable as it's not like he does this every weekend. And single parents do have to cope on their own weekend. Actually, reading that back makes me realise that this thread sounds petty and spoilt Blush

I do feel really annoyed though! Can't help it. Aaargh!

OP posts:
Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 18/03/2012 07:59

I know exactly what you mean about having to 'pay' one evening out costs Like two nights out fir them one either side :( makes it just not worth going .

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 18/03/2012 08:00

X-posts.

Fuck me I would be fuming, absolutely fuming.

He doesn't sound that brilliant and hands on, if he has to run to his mummy as soon as you go away.

And learn to drive, then you are at least independent when he does this again - because it sounds like he will.

ettiketti · 18/03/2012 08:00

My god, you're not BU and I'm really not getting this whole earning time off and booking nights out in return thing! It's bizarre!?

Get a cab to your nearest town, spend the day there. It sounds bad news to me, to be completely dependent on your H in that way!

DinahMoHum · 18/03/2012 08:01

id be very pissed off, but if its not hugely out of character for him, and youve got no reason to suspect anything untoward, then its totally up to you what your boundaries are.

I wouldnt like it, but i know people whod be fine with it.
A bit shit that it is mothers day though and its ruined it

tanfastic · 18/03/2012 08:03

I do read a lot of these threads and wonder what would happen I'd the woman did this kind of thing. Most men would go fucking bananas. Been out all day (charity run or no charity run), then fucks off out to an all night party switching her phone off and then getting shitty when dh/dp rings her at 4 am when he's up with the baby.

Really can you imagine what a man would think about that?

FamiliesShareGerms · 18/03/2012 08:06

Think there's two things here: 1) do you do some kind of "you went out last week, now it's my turn", which isn't in itself unreasonable, guess most relationships have some elements of this to keep things roughly balanced. But it doesn't sound as if the going out thing is balanced in your case (it's not in my house either). 2) staying out all night when supposed to be home. Just not on- he's got a mobile, least he can do is call when it becomes apparent he might not be back, it's so selfish not to.

Suggest dealing with them separately when you discuss this?

SodoffBaldrick · 18/03/2012 08:09

YANBU - he's being very unfair and taking you utterly for granted. I would be raging, except my lovely DH would never do this.

As an aside, I do think this is exactly the sort of thread that gets MN labelled as man-hating... :(

AThingInYourLife · 18/03/2012 08:10

"No I don't go out all night on my own. Actually, having said that, I did once last year. It was a hen do and he had a lot of notice. That's the only time."

Oh right, so staying out all night with no notice and leaving the other parent to do all the childcare without agreement is not how you guys run hour family.

Why do you think it is unreasonable of you to keep score when he clearly is?

Why are you OK that he thinks you going away overnight on a rare and planned night away means he gets to go out and get fucked (on drugs?) a few nights later without any warning or consideration for you at all.

It's almost as if he's punishing you for having the temerity not to be there looking after his child 24/7 (while he does whatever the fuck he pleases and can pick up and drop family commitments as the whim takes him).

How sad for your son to have a father like this :(

SodoffBaldrick · 18/03/2012 08:11

"It's almost as if he's punishing you for having the temerity not to be there looking after his child 24/7 (while he does whatever the fuck he pleases and can pick up and drop family commitments as the whim takes him)."

Nail on head.

DinahMoHum · 18/03/2012 08:12

youre assuming hes on drugs tbh. He could just as easily be on the red bull.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 18/03/2012 08:14

I can see that in a way sodoff but we all just need to vent sometimes and being able to "get it all out" here kinda helps us remain civil to them at home. It's amazing how much better you feel just knowing someone agrees with you. It's like we can hate them here no questions asked then have the strength to deal and put things right in rl . :(

Original poster
CeliaDeBohun · 18/03/2012 08:14

YouOldSlag and Wheresmecaffeinedrip I'm so sorry this has happened to you both too. How are you going to deal with the situation when your DHs are coherent enough to discuss it? And the other lady who said her DH does the same thing (sorry for not addressing you by your name, I'm on page 2 and can't scroll back without losing my post).

I'm relieved that not everyone thinks I'm being unreasonable about this. I know there are a lot of people who'd think I'm being a controlling nag. A lot of DH's friends seem to take the view that if a man is considerate to his wife/partner then he's "under the thumb". These are men and women in their late 20s to mid 30s btw. This is partly why it's felt mortifying to have to track him down via his friend's phone. I know it doesn't matter what they think but it still feels a bit crap knowing that they're probably smirking about DH's needy wife chasing him at 4am and 7am and trying to spoil his fun.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 18/03/2012 08:14

Nobody's assuming he's on drugs.

It's got to be a live possibility though, at a party that is still going at 8am.

Chandon · 18/03/2012 08:17

OP, you are keeping some kind of long term blance in your head about how much he has been out, how much you are owed etc.

Men think short term. So you went out last week, he went out this week.

You will have to let go of the long term balance, I had to.

Isn't it crap though that as soon as you are out he needs bavkup, as poor little man cannot do it on his own...you say you feel ths is fair, at the same time you are cross (hence this OP).

It is the shocking realisation when you ave a baby that your artnership s not equal, really, and you don't have the same freedoms.

This is why women get angry! Still gets me angry. Like I said, only thing for me was to take off a whole day the next week (not later as, as I say, men do nt do the long term balance thing and you cannot build up long term credits).

The things you learn...

WhiteTrash · 18/03/2012 08:21

My very first thought was 'There has got to be coke involved to stay up that long'
But Im attributing that to mine and DP's (pre kids) past when we'd be up all night. Doesnt mean he is, I suppose. But it did cross my mind.

As a loose rule, drinking alcohol alone for that length of time usually ends in puking, sleeping or passing out. Not always though, of course!

Original poster
CeliaDeBohun · 18/03/2012 08:21

SodoffBaldrick I don't think qnyone's been man-hating on this thread, honestly. There have been a few posts generalising slightly about men possibly getting an easier ride wrt some things but nothing vicious or hateful. I think the mens rights trolls activists would have to be seriously thin skinned to take issue with what's been written here!

OP posts:
DPrince · 18/03/2012 08:23

He is still out now? 8am on mothers day. Seriously?

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 18/03/2012 08:23

I guess we can all live in hope that one day one of these friends will , instead of buying a pint and thinking it's funny to ignore the wives calling, that actually someone will call them on being selfish and inconsiderate. I ask all my friends when they leave to text that they made it home safe and I don't think a text or call to say they gonna be late is alot to ask . I'm tired of explaining that it's hot nothing to do with checking up on them it's just common courtesy to let someone know your safe. And my friends ask me to text when I get home. :)

AThingInYourLife · 18/03/2012 08:23

" we all just need to vent sometimes and being able to "get it all out" here kinda helps us remain civil to them at home."

Why be civil to someone who treats you like a piece of shit on their shoe?

Confused

These are the same assholes that when/if you decide to stop putting up with their complete lack of commitment to and interest in their family will be all devastated at how little they get to see children they treated as optional playthings since birth.

And they'll blame it all on you - because women who expect to be treated with respect are "nags" and have the decent men who actually are good dads "under the thumb".

Really, you can live life and give these misogynistic fuckers a complete miss. There are loads of men who aren't like this.

Kindness, thoughtfulness, independence, strength of character, sense of responsibility, pride in ability to look after family - all traditional male traits that these Neanderthals lack, but many good and decent men have in spades.

MrsSleepy · 18/03/2012 08:25

Do you have a park in the village, Not sure what the weather is like where you are but if it's Ok maybe go to the park or out for some lunch?

I know if it was me and he came home and I was in I'd just get more and more wound up.

My DH has never done this so I honestly don't know how I'd react.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 18/03/2012 08:25

OP I would get a taxi out and have a nice day with your son.

Coming home to an empty house might just jolt some sense into him. You could pour the last of the milk down the sink before you go if you felt like it

If he has been taking coke or something then it is futile trying to talk to him today because he will have the accompanying ego and be furious at you questioning him.

Original poster
CeliaDeBohun · 18/03/2012 08:30

They may have got hold of some coke, yes. I'd imagine that's what's been keeping them all so wide awake. If DH does coke it's a very occasional thing, he certainly doesn't have a drug habit. I'm certainly not saying that coke is harmless or desirable but I don't see a few lines once in a blue moon as being the worst thing ever. Although if he'd just been drinking, he'd probably have been home by 1am and we'd have had a normal day. As things are, he's completely written today off and that pisses me off more than anything else.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 18/03/2012 08:33

"Men think short term. So you went out last week, he went out this week."

Bollocks!

In a good, happy marriage of equals there is no accounting, long or short term, but there is an appreciation of what the other person has done that has helped you and the things you could do for them in return.

The problem is the focus on what I'm owed, not what I owe. That's not a gender specific trait, but it comes about when one partner has an inflated sense of entitlement.

"It is the shocking realisation when you ave a baby that your artnership s not equal, really, and you don't have the same freedoms."

It's not a partnership if it's not equal. It's servitude.

You can have multiple babies and an equal partnership if you're married to a decent person who loves you and cares about your happiness.

Once breastfeeding had stopped there is no reason for either psrtner to have more freedom than the other.

Not all men are selfish dicks. Not by a long chalk.

You don't have to put up with this shit.

Shakirasma · 18/03/2012 08:33

My ExH was just the same OP.

Notice how I said EX? Wink

So I completely sympathise. You might think he is a great Dad, I did at the time when I was naive and didn't know better, but surely you can see he is being a crap H. You deserve to be treated better.

StealthPolarBear · 18/03/2012 08:34

So is he back or is he still out partying? I know there's a general feeling that asking each other's permission to go out is a bad and controlling but this sort of situation OS what doing that avoids, one parent being put upon while the other takes the p