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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that DH has stayed out all night?

187 replies

CeliaDeBohun · 18/03/2012 06:08

He was out all afternoon yesterday, doing a sponsored walk for charity (obviously I'm not complaining about that) then came home for about three hours and went out again for a mate's birthday. Said he would definitely be coming home rather than staying out but when DS (18 months old) woke up at 4am I realised he was still out. I called him and his phone was off. Rung one of his friends, they put me on to him and he was still awake, party still in full swing. Sounded quite annoyed that I'd rung and said he would be back but was pretty vague.

I couldn't get back to sleep after that and DS woke up properly about twenty mins ago so now we're up and when DH does get home, he'll be useless as he'll need to sleep for a good few hours before he can help with anything. I probably am being unreasonable as it's not like he does this every weekend. And single parents do have to cope on their own weekend. Actually, reading that back makes me realise that this thread sounds petty and spoilt Blush

I do feel really annoyed though! Can't help it. Aaargh!

OP posts:
Original poster
CeliaDeBohun · 18/03/2012 08:34

Alibaba I can't take a taxi as there aren't any in the village and they'd need a car seat for DS anyway - really do need to sort the driving out!

OP posts:
iloveminieggs · 18/03/2012 08:35

I also think you should go out. Is there a neighbours you could pop in to, or anything in village such as pub for a pub lunch or a park? Do you have any family or friends near by that could pick you up and do something for a few hours?

StealthPolarBear · 18/03/2012 08:36

Sorry, long x post!

WhiteTrash · 18/03/2012 08:36

I dont mind my DP having the occasional blow out either, although hes Old Now so doesnt anyway but when he did in the past he'd time it for when I was taking the kids to my mums for the weekend.

Its mothers day, you havent mentioned that yet does it not bother you?

Id be inclined to jump on a train and leave for a couple of nights. I did this once after DP turned into a massive arse hole once, he shit himself, had no idea where we were and when we werent back by the morning if we were even ok. He didnt do that again in a hurry.

Do it, get your stuff together and go somewhere for a night or two. I would not want to be around for his hangover/come down anyway.

DinahMoHum · 18/03/2012 08:37

take note of how you feel over the course of this thread OP, and make sure youre not getting wound up to the point of being more angry than you would have originally been, as theres a hell of a lot of people who love to tell people to leave their partners for any indiscretion.

Id definitely be pissed off in your shoes, but it would be very out of character for my dp. If i was in a relationship where this sort of thing happened now and again and id always accepted it, then it would be different.

2fedup · 18/03/2012 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AThingInYourLife · 18/03/2012 08:38

Doing cocaine occasionally is a drug habit.

A casual drug habit is one thing when you have no children.

I think going on a coke bender when you have a child at home is extremely poor parenting.

Toddlers should not have to see their coke-addled parent coming down the next day.

That is really fucking horrible.

YouOldSlag · 18/03/2012 08:40

Celia, I know what you mean.

What they don't realise is that when they are out of action we all have to do their shift for them. I am now on my own with the kids all day (Mother's Day) like I was yesterday when he started drinking at 2pm.

He has also covered the furniture in puke and is in bed. I have told him not to see the children until he is sober.

Happy Mother's Day to me.

dappply · 18/03/2012 08:42

Hey OP, this is totally and completely the kind of thing that my DH does and has done. Not every weekend, probably half a dozen times a year. To be honest I can't really offer you a YABU or YANBU because I haven't worked it out yet myself. I never married and had children with him to nag him and curtail his freedom, but when it happens I feel so disrespected, painted as a nag and bitter than he can just go off and get wasted like we did pre kids without a second thought to how it affects me or ds. Years of pregnancy and breast feeding has curbed my appetite for drinking in extreme or other party enhancers, and I've generally am too tired/ busy/ missing him and Ds to want to waste a weekend wasted. My twenty something self would cringe at that. He still manages together to that state. In a way I should be happy for him that he can still have both sides to his life, but it always feels like a kick I the teeth. He thinks I'm just jealous and should go out more myself. Which makes me feel boring and unexciting. I do go out, but a few drinks is generally a few drinks as I'll have things I want to do the next day and weekends with DH and DS are important to me at this time of my life. Gosh I don't know. It's so hard. I usually come to the conclusion that neither of us are in the wrong, we're just differently minded these days. It's so annoying.

Having said that, if he done it on mother's day I would have been extremely sad. Mine spent all yesterday in a useless brain dead heap, but atleast today I've had breakfast in bed and am now in a bubble bath.

Good luck negotiating it all OP, it's a bugger. Really wish I was one of those cool capable wives that my DH's friends seem to have too, they seem to have it sussed. I'm sure a few of them will pop up on this thread and tell you YABU. Personally I always thought I'd be like that, as I was more hardcore than DH per motherhood. But somehow it's not like that now. Being the one left holding the baby is shite.

fabwoman · 18/03/2012 08:43

I think it is the lack of consideration. You were expecting him back, he wasn't and it won't have crossed his mind that you might have been worrried that something had happened. What if something had happened with the baby and you needed to get to hospital?

MrsSleepy · 18/03/2012 08:43

I am really Sad for all of you who have had their Mothers Day ruined

ifeelloved · 18/03/2012 08:45

I would be fucking furious with dh if he did this. I would then go out for the day somewhere really nice and not answer his calls-childish I know but would make me feel better. When I got home, I would then read him the riot act Grin

AThingInYourLife · 18/03/2012 08:45

"What they don't realise is that when they are out of action we all have to do their shift for them"

They do realise. They don't care.

fabwoman · 18/03/2012 08:48

They probably don't realise. They just don't think.

Original poster
CeliaDeBohun · 18/03/2012 08:48

Its mothers day, you havent mentioned that yet does it not bother you?

I'm not really that bothered about mothers day, thank god. The irony of him doing this today has crossed my mind though. Bit like the valentines day when I was pregnant and he'd stayed out all of the night before, unexpectedly, phone turned off and uncontactable. I couldn't sleep and went round to my mum and dads first thing in the morning and was told that my cat who lived with them had been run over the night before (he was ok in the end). Good times!

OP posts:
Original poster
CeliaDeBohun · 18/03/2012 08:49

:( YouOldSlag

OP posts:
grobagsforever · 18/03/2012 08:54

I would be utterly fuming. What a selfish man child. Don't go out OP why should he come to peAce and quiet! DO NOT let him sleep it off. Hand him a list of things that need doing. I don't understand why women put up with this behaviour.

Bunbaker · 18/03/2012 08:55

"He did it all the time when I was pregnant but it's only been a few times since DS was born."

I amShock that this guy even wanted to become a father if he feels that he can't leave his irresponsible youth behind. OH and I were long over behaving stupidly by the time DD was born. I can't offer any advice other than to make it uncomfortable for him when he gets home - loads of noise etc. To stay out late without contacting you is unbelievable selfish and inconsiderate. He needs to grow up.

And do make plans to learn to drive.

ENormaSnob · 18/03/2012 08:56

Yanbu

He sounds a right nob tbh celia.

I was an absolute party animal back in the day but going out til 8/9am, sniffed of your brains is not conducive to being a good parent.

He is completely out of order.

WhiteTrash · 18/03/2012 08:57

Celia is he STILL not back?? Go to your parents (dont tell them if you dont want!) and suggest a nice roast at your local pub. At the very least, you can get out and try and do somethinh nice for you and DC.

ENormaSnob · 18/03/2012 08:57

Off your brains not of Blush

dappply · 18/03/2012 08:59

Btw, I have to disagree that once in a blue moon party drug use is a drug habit. It's really not. But anyone who disagrees with that will possibly never change their mind. But just to say I know where your coming from

ENormaSnob · 18/03/2012 09:03

Dappply, would you do it til this time knowing you were with your toddler the day after?

He will still be plugged into the moon if/when he gets home.

I have had many an all nighter but not when I have the dc the day after.

StrawberrytallCAKE · 18/03/2012 09:10

The thought of having any kind of drug in my system while looking after dd makes me want to vomit.

Habit or not it's disgusting and you should have your children taken off you for that sort of behaviour.

axure · 18/03/2012 09:14

YANBU The fact he turned his phone off shows he had no intention of coming home but not man enough to tell you before he went out. He probably knows that there is no way you would leave him alone with DS today whilst he's incapacitated, and you'll probably go out leaving him in peace, game won. He needs to realise that life changes when you become a parent and partying days are over for a few years. I would be fuming, how dare he treat you like a doormat.