to be annoyed that DH has stayed out all night?

[CeliaDeBohun]

He was out all afternoon yesterday, doing a sponsored walk for charity (obviously I'm not complaining about that) then came home for about three hours and went out again for a mate's birthday. Said he would definitely be coming home rather than staying out but when DS (18 months old) woke up at 4am I realised he was still out. I called him and his phone was off. Rung one of his friends, they put me on to him and he was still awake, party still in full swing. Sounded quite annoyed that I'd rung and said he would be back but was pretty vague.

I couldn't get back to sleep after that and DS woke up properly about twenty mins ago so now we're up and when DH does get home, he'll be useless as he'll need to sleep for a good few hours before he can help with anything. I probably am being unreasonable as it's not like he does this every weekend. And single parents do have to cope on their own weekend. Actually, reading that back makes me realise that this thread sounds petty and spoilt

I do feel really annoyed though! Can't help it. Aaargh!

Not right and not okay either- I'd be livid in your shoes........

If you had some notice this wouldn't be so bad, but as you described it, all sounds a bit ropey......

Sorry your day looks to be so rubbish- you need to talk this thru with him when you have both had some soild sleep I think.

on a different timezone too:) so a bit late in the day-
he holds all the cards doesn't he? money, choice of house, location etc etc? and all nighters with no contact- what will you do when ds waakes up and wants to know where daddy is? how long before you stop pretending daddy is working and tell him really?

and valentines and mothers day? what does he do Christmas? has he got an ex or another woman? the dates do seem a bit dodgy to me, but maybe its nothing.

drugs- yuck- if you want impartial advice call the drugs helpline, explain your situation and see what they have to say about women and children in your situation- ie kept poor whilst they dh blows the money on fairy dust. and his friends are on it too- that's why he sees them can he give them up?

personally i would think about pushing off, he might be a great dad, but seeing as its when he feels like it only, its not so great imo... you have to be a great mom all the time, remember.

you mention single moms- yeah its real hard, but at least there is no man doing what your dh is doing, so its one less stressor.

Hope you're OK, OP.

How's things?? Xx

Did he get away with it?

Ok, update for anyone who's still interested.

When he got in, we did have words. Not a full on argument, I just didn't have the energy for that. But I told him that his behaviour had left me feeling let down and upset. He said he was sorry and that it wouldn't happen again. He also said he'd thought I was ok with him not coming back as when we spoke at 4am when he'd asked if I wanted him to come home I'd said (quite passively aggressively irritably iirc) that it was up to him. And that when we'd spoken at around 7am he'd asked me again and I'd given the same reply.

As I've already explained on here, the reason I didn't say "yes I want you to come home" was because I didn't want to be forced into the position of ordering him home as if I was his mother. This is what I told DH as well. I'm sure he knew I wanted him to come back and was being a bit disingenuous when he said that but I thought that getting into an argument over his intentions/my perception of his intentions would be too draining.

However, I've got the message that being indirect and hoping he'll understand what I mean (or that he'll admit that he understands what I mean) doesn't work. Next time he goes out, if we haven't agreed beforehand that it's an all nighter, I'm going to insist that he's back by 2:30am. It will work. When I was pregnant and he'd done this one too many times, we ended up having a 1am curfew for him and he did stick to it.

It doesn't feel brilliant knowing that he's going to be telling his friends that he's "got to" be home by a certain time but if the alternative is waking up at 4am to find that he's still out and his phone is off, then I will grit my teeth and stick to my guns.

He didn't go up to bed when he got back btw. He came in with a mothers day card and bunch of flowers. I knew he'd do that to try and get round me, just knew it! I rolled my eyes and said "well that makes everything ok, obviously". I did make him go out and get me an Easter egg later though, while making it clear that it didn't wipe out all of the rubbishness [ball breaking bitch emoticon]

So we're ok. Have discussed the issue and I really, really don't think it will happen again. Thanks to everyone who's posted, especially around 6am on Sunday morning when I was going out of my mind and couldn't talk to anyone irl as it was so early!

Oh, just one more thing - about me not having any money on sunday. I do have an allowance every week but had already spent it and wasn't expecting DS and I to be alone that morning. I know I need to learn to drive (and have seen the ranty thread about silly cows who can't drive and use it as an excuse to reject excellent advice ). DH is very keen for me to do so. I have tried to learn in the past and have spent hundreds of pounds in the process, while getting nowhere, but DH is insisting that he'll pay for as many lessons as it takes. Moving isn't a realistic option, unfortunately, as we save a lot of money on rent by living where we do and as DH works nearby, we save a lot on fuel too.

Cheers again

Hey- glad you got things sorted and managed to have a reasonable discussion. Well done for standing your ground too- I know that's never easy...

Finally, I did read this thread and unerstand that the intentions of all posters was great, but sometimes maybe they overlook things.

I am sure if and when you decide you need to drive-you'll get it dealt with. You are no less worthy of respect because you don't drive and if your location is good for you all why move?

It's you DH behaviour up for review here, not your home location or ability to drive. You've handled it all so well and I really hope that the DH can live up to your new arrangements and the future for you all is better.

Cheers to you too. x

Well done you, glad things seem to be sorted

Good. Glad you're feeling better about things.

thanks for the update , well done :)

as to the "allowance", just to let you know that in lots of modern marriages, both partners have access to the joint account. As to the driving classes, that would be your money (his money, but your money too) too (you could refer to it as "our money").

An "allowance" system means he somehow is the "boss" of the money, and why should that be so? is the money "his" because he works and you are at home, to look after your (and HIS) child?

....

food for thought?

Or ignore as you wish, just wanted to mention it.

Allowance? Fuck that. Joint account is what you should have.

I'm a SAHM and have access to just as much money as DH does.

So we're ok. Have discussed the issue and I really, really don't think it will happen again.

Good, and for your and your childs sake I hope not. But Ive seen to many threads like this "and Im sure it wont happen again" - and it does. As I said I hope youre right and Im wrong but there is so much in your posts that send out warning signals to me about your relationship in general - making excuses for him (e.g But I went out to), your fears of being seen as a "nagging wife", Valentines Day, and now your "allowance" and he will pay out of his money, whoopee do thats big of him.

"Allowance? Fuck that. Joint account is what you should have.

I'm a SAHM and have access to just as much money as DH does."

Amen to that. This isn't the 1950s. OH earns far more than I do, but his money and my money go into a joint account to become our money

'Allowance' was a very unfortunate choice of words. I should have said that our child tax credits are paid directly to me and I keep them rather than putting the money into the family pot, as it were. I didn't want to go into details as tax credits can be such an emotive, if not downright provocative, subject on mumsnet.

DH has suggested setting up a joint account in the past. I'm the one who's been more reluctant to do it as I'm uncomfortably aware that he's supporting me financially as well as supporting his child and I feel bad enough about that without having constant access to his/our money

"I'm the one who's been more reluctant to do it as I'm uncomfortably aware that he's supporting me financially as well as supporting his child and I feel bad enough about that without having constant access to his/our money"

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I have never at any point felt uncomfortable about OH supporting us. We are an equal partnership based on mutual love, respect and trust. It isn't about who contributes what to the finances.

I'm glad to hear that you have managed to talk to each other though.

Why on earth should you feel bad that he's "supporting you financially?"
You are a family; one of you (is able to) stay at home with your child, enabling the other to go out and earn money. It's a partnership, you're not sitting around on your backside eating doughnuts and frittering "his" money away on manicures.

Why would you feel bad about it?

He isn't supporting 'you' financially, so much as the family. He is the one earning the money, you are looking after your child.

Why do so many women who stay at home with children undervalue their own role? How can you expect a partner to respect you if you have no respect for yourself?

I don't know, maybe it's a low self esteem thing. Or maybe it's because I don't like being dependent and so try to "take" as little as possible IYSWIM.

Will have a word with him and suggest we review the joint account thing anyway, it's probably for the best.

Was it your choice to stay at home? You don't sound very happy about it.

Definitely do the joint account though. What would have happened if your DH had fallen into a ditch on the way home and broken his leg, and ended up in hospital?
You would have had no money, you can't drive - you are so, so vulnerable, and that is not a good position to put yourself in, especially when you have young children.

You need to make yourself strong and capable and self-reliant, for your DS's sake as well as your own.

There wasn't any real choice Ali as to cut a l

When my little boy was first born my other half went out to "wet the babys head" (yeah right!!!!) told me he would be back around midnight as he wasn't going far, only to the local, and didn't come home till about 7am ish.

I gave him the cold shoulder for about a week which is really unusual for me cause I'm a shouter lol. He knew he was in BIG trouble and grovelled like never before.

He has never been late again and if he thinks he might end up being late for whatever reason he calls.

Aargh stupid phone! Was saying that to cut a long story short, because of longstanding mental health issues I haven't ever had a career or even much experience of mainstream employment. When I was pregnant with DS I was doing a temp job so there was nothing to return to after I had him. The only work I have experience of is cleaning, waitressing and call centres and I've got a very, very patchy work history with years of blanks.

So I'm not very employable and don't have many options wrt returning to work. Would be very difficult here anyway because there are hardly any businesses that could employ someone on a part time, evening basis. Daytime work would be out of the question while DS is so young because the cost of childcare would be too high compared with my minimum wage earnings.

Anyway, I guess I feel grateful and lucky to be in the situation I'm in now because it's so much better than my life has been in the past, even if feels hard to be so dependent on DH

You don't have to be grateful to your DH to the point of not feeling equal to him. If you didn't look after your son what would your dh do? He would have to do it or pay someone else too. You are making it so he can go out to work and bring money in. Equally if he didn't bring any money in you would have too. It is a team effort and he needs to stop acting like he is in charge and you need to stop letting him.