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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that DH has stayed out all night?

187 replies

CeliaDeBohun · 18/03/2012 06:08

He was out all afternoon yesterday, doing a sponsored walk for charity (obviously I'm not complaining about that) then came home for about three hours and went out again for a mate's birthday. Said he would definitely be coming home rather than staying out but when DS (18 months old) woke up at 4am I realised he was still out. I called him and his phone was off. Rung one of his friends, they put me on to him and he was still awake, party still in full swing. Sounded quite annoyed that I'd rung and said he would be back but was pretty vague.

I couldn't get back to sleep after that and DS woke up properly about twenty mins ago so now we're up and when DH does get home, he'll be useless as he'll need to sleep for a good few hours before he can help with anything. I probably am being unreasonable as it's not like he does this every weekend. And single parents do have to cope on their own weekend. Actually, reading that back makes me realise that this thread sounds petty and spoilt Blush

I do feel really annoyed though! Can't help it. Aaargh!

OP posts:
inabeautifulplace · 18/03/2012 15:14

Even as a one off, that's pretty unreasonable behaviour. And I speak as someone who'd be ecstatic for his wife to go out all night, because I think it's important for her. I'd expect there to be a rough plan involved though. I've had one all nighter so far in 9 months, might have another next weekend. Would never ever ever do it without agreement though and would, as I say, be very happy to reciprocate. I think your H needs to be told in no uncertain terms that no communications is out of order.

The other stuff about you having no cash or freedom would be a bit more worrying for me.

LindyHemming · 18/03/2012 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhiteTrash · 18/03/2012 19:11

Update yes!

AnyFucker · 18/03/2012 20:14

well there was a spiky comment upthread about "I wonder how long it wil take before someone says leave the bastard"

wel, here it is and I am completely serious

leave the bastard

he is a disrespectful arsehole, and you are acting like a doormat

you daren't even tackle him about this repeated piss take of you

whoever told you that you had to be a "cool wife" and never question him ?

whoever it was did a fucking great number on you

accept this (again...like you have every other time) and this is how your life will pan out

second class, ignored, demoralised

that's no way to live a life

and no, he isn't a great partner (he is a selfish, entitled one and also inadequate) nor is he a good example of a father ('cos he treats the mother of his dc like shit)

Shakirasma · 18/03/2012 20:40

OP you are far too calm about this. You have made excuses for his totally unacceptable behaviour and he is treating you like a doormat.

However, you can only be treated like a doormat if you lie down and allow people to wipe their feet on you.

I hope you have really stood up to him or this will, without doubt, happen again. And it will continue to happen until you are assertive enough command the respect you deserve, even if it means you eventually leave him.

PiedWagtail · 18/03/2012 20:45

Y A so N BU!! Vv out of order. And on monthers day too. Grr. Hugs!

LittleAlbert · 18/03/2012 20:55

Op

The rule in our house is that you get up and do your share even with a hangover unless previously agreed. It DP decides to have a big night out, I know I am watching the kids the next day-I also expect to get some time to myself in return.

He's been a twat. He needs to grow up. You need to start asserting yourself. I hope he tries to make amends, we can all act like idiots once in a while.

MariaCallous · 18/03/2012 21:08

If DH did this I would be incandescent. Probably lock him out of the house and sod off, leave the DCs with his folks and explain that someone needed to take on his parenting responsibilities and I'd had it. Hate to shout EA but think you are should look into it.

wannabestressfree · 18/03/2012 21:19

I did lock my xh out twice for this behaviour.........
And the reason for our divorce was that we got into this tit for tat over going out and we NEVER spent any time together. It was horrible. And he could never just have a 'couple'. In fact he has just cancelled having DS' next weekend as his birthday is the monday and he has three day benders extravaganzas
and he is 42 [knob]
It doesn't bode well.........

ifeelloved · 18/03/2012 21:23

Its not about clipping his wings or being a nagging controlling wife, he was bang out of order and should be doing everything inhis power to make it up to you. The fact its mothers day make it worse, but evenif it was last Sunday it would have been totally wrong.

I wouldn't be insisting on moving near a train station so when it happens again I would be insistin it didn't happen again! There's nothing to say he can't go out and let his hair down but this.....

I hope you manage to talk to him and he makes it up to you

MyLittleMiracle · 18/03/2012 21:38

YADNBU,

My ex done this before we had kids, he would go out to the local pub at about 2pm, for a pint or two, okat fair enough, so i would think about three hours, then midnight would come and go, by which time i was annoyed at best, especially as his phone would ring the first few times, then go to answer machine when i phoned him. And by 11am the next morning i would be fuming mad. I mean no contact phone died......yes right, whatever.

That was 5 years ago, since then i found out during these all nighters he cheated, 3 times to which he did (two years later by text, while i was miles away, at my mums) admit to. God knows how many more there were!

You have every right to be annoyed IMO.

AnyFucker · 18/03/2012 21:53

whatever the fuck these "family" men are doing on these all-nighters, it is not compatible with family life, that is for sure

when do they grow up, these nobbers ?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 18/03/2012 22:08

They don't, AF.

My FIL is one such man and he is as much a knobber now as ever as far as I can gather.

MIL is glad to be shot of him and have a lovely new (although not that new any more!) DH.

Steffi90 · 19/03/2012 00:50

Disgusting my DP would never do this although his family are the type to influence it. Neither do I. I call him, text him or let him know roughly when will be back. I know he'd worry and so would I.

Drugs? Alochol or caffeine. Few years back tried cannabis but only ever have 1 or 2 glasses of whatever when near kids end of.

Very disrespectful man. He's not respecting your needs. You need me time and that shouldn't be about 'oh it's my turn now' you are the mother of his child and he should be glad to let you put your feet up for a few hours.

Inconsiderate twat.

SodoffBaldrick · 19/03/2012 01:22

I'm in a different timezone to you guys and so a bit late back to this thread. I'm the one who said I believe it is threads like these which give MN a reputation as being 'man-hating' and I think a few people misunderstood what I meant.

I am beginning to see very clearly on here over recent months, that what one group of people see as being 'man-hating' and 'misandrist' is, in fact...

  • Women pushing other women not to put up with outlandish and unreasonable behaviour.
  • Women telling other women that not all men are aseholes, and the ones who are should be doing more to live up to the ones who aren't.
  • Women telling other women that there are loads and loads of lovely, decent, kind, caring, loving men out there - and that we all have just as much right to one of those sorts of men as to the other sorts.

Women (and probably/hopefully some men) have come onto this thread to say that this man is behaving unreasonably, selfishly, childishly and fecklessly, and the OP does not have to put up with it. She doesn't have to leave the bastard, necessarily, but she also doesn't have to put up with this.

I am very clearly beginning to see that all of this is what is being perceived as 'man-hating' by a certain sector of posters. Hmm

Which is kind of ironic, really. The undertone of these extortions not to accept or put up with shitty behaviour is because most men are good, decent people.

Where is the 'man-hatred' in that?

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/03/2012 03:29

Also in a different timezone and I agree. Some people do see this sort of thing as uppity women slagging men off. That is a useful myth to keep woman from asking for respect in relationship. We can't be the bitch, we can't nag, we can't be feminists. We have to be 'fun'. Somehow that has come to mean doing all the grunt work and all the childcare while the partner gets pissed and watches strippers/takes drugs/whatever. I fail to see how that is 'fun' for me.

I know at least one of DH's friends thinks I am a nagging bitch since he is a twat who I am pretty sure has cheated on his wife and gives him shit for listening to me. Thing is, it would suit this friend fine if DH was ExH because then he would have his drinking/drugging/pulling friend back instead of the family man that DH has grown into. This friend has separated his friends' wives into 'good sports' and nagging bitches. At least two of the good sports have been cheated on. Now, maybe the nagging bitches have been too but their DH's have either not cheated or gone to some lengths to hide it. One of the 'D'Hs of the good sports flirted with a family member of mine at a mutual friend's wedding. Talk about lack of respect.

Even if your DH pulled a late one (which he might think was OK) he could have called. Asked if you minded doing all the childcare. Maybe swap you off for something he knows you like. Having to call his friend is Hmm

anonymosity · 19/03/2012 04:00

YANBU he needs to grow the hell up.

skybluepearl · 19/03/2012 06:42

I think it's selfish behaviour on his part. It would have been OK if you had both agreed beforehand that you would be sole carer the day after - but he is making the prusumption that he can lay around sleeping and you can do all the running about.

skybluepearl · 19/03/2012 06:44

Hes acted like a single man when infact he has a family man role and should be more considerate. Yes it's good to let your hair down but not at the expense of others.

Original poster
CeliaDeBohun · 19/03/2012 11:16

Really annoyed - I just spent ages writing an update and then the post disappeared! No time to rewrite it now but will try again later.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/03/2012 11:37

hope you are ok, celia

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 19/03/2012 11:45

Yeah hope u are ok :)

PeppermintPasty · 19/03/2012 11:57

I have just read this thread.

My dp was like this during my first pregnancy and for a while when our DS was born.

To cut a very long story short, I had kicked him out for all the partying crap (along with a lot of other stuff), he wanted another chance. I gave him that chance but I had to stick by the ultimatum I issued ie -shape up or fuck off.

He did shape up, eventually (it was a long time til he was actually back living with us), and he hasn't done this since. He is virtually unrecognisable now, being a SAHD to our two, and he realises what he has and how lucky we all are.

That's not to say he's an angel. He still fucks up now and then, just not wrt this sort of thing.

You will have to get the can of whoop-ass out if you want things to change.

What worries me here is it might be too little too late, he isn't showing any inclination to stop being a manchild, as far as I can see. He is grossly grossly disrespectful to you and your DS.

If you cannot rely on him, if he is only there when it suits him, he is NOT a good partner or father.

Why do you feel that you are being petty and spoilt to expect him to step up? You are not btw, please don't allow yourself to think that. He is completely out of order.

grobagsforever · 19/03/2012 12:45

Hope you are ok OP and your DH has grovelled today....

Pandemoniaa · 19/03/2012 12:57

I don't hate men but I do dislike intensely the double-standards and ridiculous "paying back" that some men use to excuse selfish and thoughtless behaviour. Made all the worse by any attempts at justification along the lines of "but you went out last week".

I occasionally stay away from home overnight. This is pre-arranged and between dp and I and very often related to performances I'm involved with. He'd never expect me to ask permission but equally would be horrendously worried if I simply went out for the night and didn't return. If I had small children it'd be absolutely unforgivable. But this works both ways. If he plans to be away from home overnight the same consideration for each other would apply.

So YANBU OP and I hope you are OK today.