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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To walk away from a friendship because she told other's my secret

263 replies

pingu2209 · 17/03/2012 19:21

My 'friend' of 3 years was one of 7 people I told about having barriatric surgery (vertical sleeve). I didn't even tell my parents or siblings.

Over 7 months I have lost 9 stone (only 1 1/2 stone to go whoop whoop).

This week my 'friend' admitted to me that she has told people that I have had an operation, after she was asked a lot by others (e.g. mum's in the playground) how I have lost so much weight.

I am furious. I can't tell you how angry I am. Of the 6 other people who know, some don't even know that each other knows (if that make sense) so don't talk to each other about it.

I asked her why and she said that it was because she felt that people had guessed that I had had an operation as it couldn't just have been via diet and excercise.

The last person she told reacted very badly to 'my' news and said that I had been 'lying' to other mums in the playground by not telling people about my operation. That my losing weight made other fat mums feel bad that they couldn't lose weight themselves.

OP posts:
MyNameIsntFUCKINGWarren · 17/03/2012 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 17/03/2012 19:23

I'd be furious with her.

But why don't you want others to know?

What have you been telling them has been the cause of such a drastic weight loss?

rhondajean · 17/03/2012 19:26

It wasn't her secret to tell, but think of the furore when fern Britton said she hadn't had surgery. It's not really anyone's business, but it must be hard to be struggling away and feel like you aren't making. Mich headway when someone else has weight dropping off...

So I can understand her motivation. How've, it's not your problem is it? So overall YANBU although I think you were a teeny bit bu in the first place.

ImperialBlether · 17/03/2012 19:26

I don't think she should have told anyone if you asked her not to. She was wrong to do that.

But at the same time I think it's wrong to pass off immense weight loss as though you've done it by yourself when you've done it because of an operation - it does make others think they aren't strong enough.

pinktrees · 17/03/2012 19:26

I presume you explicitly asked her not to mention it to anyone else. If so, she isn't a friend and YANBU to walk away.

OriginalJamie · 17/03/2012 19:28

I don't think you should be ashamed/embarrassed of it (if that is what has stopped you telling), although I can see that maybe others would judge (and be wrong to judge). Anyone with half a brain knows it is not an easy option.

I think people might well have guessed because that's a lot of weight to lose on any sensible diet/exercise plan

Congratulations

Cherriesarelovely · 17/03/2012 19:29

I can completely understand why you are upset with your friend. However, you have done SO well to lose all that weight and it must have taken alot of courage to make the decision to have the surgery. A tiny part of me though can imagine that it must have been a little bit difficult for you (and maybe your friend) to keep schtum about your surgery the whole time. Why did you feel you didn't want to people to know? Absolutely your choice of course but it is nothing to be ashamed of.

timetoask · 17/03/2012 19:29

I think your mistake was to be embarrassed about the operation. Honesty is always the best policy. She shouldn't have told other people, but to be honest it is possible that other people sussed it out anyway.

Chin up, don't be embarrassed about it.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/03/2012 19:30

Congratulations on your operation and weight loss.

I'm not sure what I think about this Confused

I think you have been very brave having the operation and I'm wondering if you'd rather people would have thought that you did it through dieting as if there is something 'cheating' about having the surgery.

It sort of sounds like you think you did something wrong by having the surgery.

I would probably have assumed you had surgery with that dramatic loss and would have 'gossiped' in a good way about you along the lines of 'isn't she amazing losing all that weight, good for her, wonder if she had that surgery thing done'.

I can sort of see how your friend fell into it - conversation happens like above and she just murmurs 'hmm, yes' in a sort of embarassed fashion.

Ilovedaintynuts · 17/03/2012 19:31

I think people feel pissed off with people who don't admit to bariatric surgery. By not saying it and letting people believe you are being a fantastic dieter is misleading. I would be really annoyed with a friend who wasn't honest.
Bariatric surgery is fine. Good for you. But I kinda feel it's cheating.
Yes you're friend shouldn't have told your secret by I don't really blame her, I probably would have told out of sheer annoyance.

TotemPole · 17/03/2012 19:31

You're right to be annoyed that she's blabbed, but unfortunately people gossip.

The best way to keep a secret is to not tell anyone. The next time you have a secret, keep it to yourself then you're not relying on someone else's discretion.

KadyPip · 17/03/2012 19:33

It's your personal medical business and no one else has a 'right' to know.

I lost a lot of weight (not in the 9 stone range though!) and was astounded by the number of prople who thought my weight loss was some kind of comment on their own figure. If I choose not to have a cake that's my choice not a dig at you because you chose to have one. (grr)

Your health is what matters and I'm sure this nonsense will blow over soon as people get used to the new you but yes in your shoes I'd distance myself from this friend.

Original poster
pingu2209 · 17/03/2012 19:33

Yes I did explicity ask her not to tell anyone else.

I didn't tell anyone because of 2 reasons. Firstly, I had no idea whether it would work. I didn't want people to know and then not lose much weight.

Secondly, the operation only works on healthy food. You only feel restriction on volume of food when you eat healthy foods. If you select to eat crisps, cake, sweets, biscuits, alcohol etc. then the restriction just isn't there. So basically it is only a 'tool', you still have to have the will power not to eat biscuits, cakes, crisps etc.

It really pisses me off when people think that it is an easy option.

There is no easy option if you have a sweet tooth or just like eating junk food.

OP posts:
Bobyan · 17/03/2012 19:33

Unless your doing a Fern Britton and flogging rivita whilst not telling people you've had surgery, it's actually not anyone else's business.
I'd drop her like a hot brick and I would also have an individual chat with the other people who know and explain how she broke your confidence and how upset you feel knowing that people know your personal medical history.
She sounds like a shit stirring cow.

TotemPole · 17/03/2012 19:35

Other people don't have a right to know. They can think and assume what they like, but she doesn't have an obligation to be open with them. It's her right to keep it private if that's what she wants to do.

Pinot · 17/03/2012 19:35

I think she is not a true friend to you, so please don't waste your emotions on her.

IMVHO, there was no need to keep your treatment a secret. You should be proud of yourself for getting help.

OriginalJamie · 17/03/2012 19:36

pingu - there was a great article in the Saturday Guardian about bariatric surgery a couple of weeks ago. A real eye-opener. Will try a link

Bobyan · 17/03/2012 19:36

Good post from Pinot.

downtroddenabby · 17/03/2012 19:37

I had surgery. Only 3 people know.

I'd be absolutely livid if they told others.

TidyDancer · 17/03/2012 19:38

She is out of order, but what exactly did you say to people as to why you lost the weight? It doesn't excuse her telling your secret, but it does make it slightly more understandable why she did if you lied.

Goldenbear · 17/03/2012 19:38

3 years is not a long time for friendship to be that strong in terms of loyalty over keeping secrets. It isn't good but perhaps it slipped out. In a way you're trying to pass of the weight loss as purely your own doing and that is just dishonest- people sometimes find it hard to keep dishonest secrets in my experience. If you didn't want anyone to know why did you tell 6 people. I think YABU.

ViviPru · 17/03/2012 19:39

I agree with Pinot

(Yay! Pinot's back! )

wannaBe · 17/03/2012 19:39

well, I can see how she could have fallen into telling people.

Also, what have you been telling people when they've asked? Have you told them it was through diet and exercise? because if so you have been lying to them, and people don't appreciate being lied to, so they have every right to be angry about that IMO.

Original poster
pingu2209 · 17/03/2012 19:43

When people asked me at the beginning I said that I was eating less and moving more - both of which are true.

Now that it is quite shocking weight loss and I get a huge amount of comments daily about 'you look great' etc. I just say 'thank you, yes I have lost a lot of weight and feel a lot better for it.'

I have not lied or been dishonest.

If I had had piles and walked really strangely due to huge painful lumps hanging out of my bum - but then had an operation and could then walk and sit down normally - should I then have to explain my medical route?

Why is someone else's weight loss/gain an issue for public knowledge?

OP posts: