To walk away from a friendship because she told other's my secret

[pingu2209]

My 'friend' of 3 years was one of 7 people I told about having barriatric surgery (vertical sleeve). I didn't even tell my parents or siblings.

Over 7 months I have lost 9 stone (only 1 1/2 stone to go whoop whoop).

This week my 'friend' admitted to me that she has told people that I have had an operation, after she was asked a lot by others (e.g. mum's in the playground) how I have lost so much weight.

I am furious. I can't tell you how angry I am. Of the 6 other people who know, some don't even know that each other knows (if that make sense) so don't talk to each other about it.

I asked her why and she said that it was because she felt that people had guessed that I had had an operation as it couldn't just have been via diet and excercise.

The last person she told reacted very badly to 'my' news and said that I had been 'lying' to other mums in the playground by not telling people about my operation. That my losing weight made other fat mums feel bad that they couldn't lose weight themselves.

Hmmm. You have been deceptive though.

Like I said, it doesn't excuse her telling your secret, but it does perhaps go some way to explain why she did it.

I get that its weight loss surgery, but what do you mean by a vertical sleeve? You mean like a gastric band? I've never heard of it before thats all,

Theirs a couple of things i want surgery wise, boob job, teeth, ect, and I've always been open telling people but I think surgery for cosmetic reasons has lots of negative reactions from almost everyone regardless of age group. Especially women, some i think because their jealous.

Congratulations on your surgery, OP. I'm trying to loose 4st of baby weight and I've only lost 1.5 stone! So, very, very well done!

Hmm I'm sure that having surgery is not cheating or pretending you didn't put in effort. Surgery is pretty extreme and requires a lot of effort to be really effective. There's also a high residivism rate so op has worked hard to do something.

Personally, I'd be tempted to say 'she's just jealous cos I did it through the extreme sex exercise programmer' or something along those lines

The absence of information is also lying as it is not the whole picture.

Is fat a medical condition - debatable.

It is culturally acceptable to talk about weight loss/gain it is not appropriate to ask a person about their piles!

the vertical sleeve is where they remove 85% of your stomach via keyhole surgery and they pull the stomach out via one of 5 very small cuts in your stomach.

How is it not true that I am eating less and exercising more? The operation means that if I only opt to eat healthy low fat protein foods, then I can't eat much. However, if I eat high calorie drinks or lots of high sugar/fat foods then I will keep gaining weight.

If I sit down to eat a salmon salad I won't eat a lot of it. However, I can still eat a bag of kettle chips and a tube of jaffa cakes in one sitting.

People who don't understand the surgery route assume that it is a magic wand that means you don't want sugary and fatty foods and even if you did you only can eat a very small amount.

As this isn't true at all, after surgery, it is still very much like being on a diet. In fact my GP says that she advises all surgery patients to join weight watchers because people still really struggle not to eat crap.

Whether the OP has been deceptive or not is irrelevant. Something told in confidence should remain secret.

I remember confiding things in my mother who then immediately told my father. I soon stopped telling her anything.

It's up to you whether you drop her as a friend or not, but I wouldn't be telling her any secrets!

BTW well done for losing the weight, and, no doubt for facing up to your real reasons for being overweight, in the first place.

Why were you so secretive? The fact is, the op helped you lose weight and you seem to want to be dishonest about how you lost it.

Hello pinot!

That is a horrible betrayal of confidence. IMO it doesn't matter if you wanted to tell anyone or not - I certainly don't see why people think there is a moral obligation to tell people you have had the op. I imagine that it is an intensely personal decision, some people will want to tell, some people will not. What really matters is that you personally did NOT want to tell and your so-called friend decided that your preference didn't matter, and the secret she had was too good as gossip material to keep to herself.

She sounds like a complete cow.

And good on you for your weight loss.

:)

You're right OP - it's your body so it's up to you who you tell. Me, I tell all and sundry everything and that's alright too, for me. But something so personal is, by definition, potentially very private if you don't have a massive gob like me

Most important thing here is you've got all healthy and scrumptious and you've learnt she was, infact, the Giant Arse in the relationship. Win/Win really :)

ooh! ooh!

I understand that there is a lot of discrimination against people who are overweight and a lot of misunderstanding of weight issues.

This is not the fault of your friend however so whilst I think confidences should be respected, I think you are being unduly harsh on her and your negative feelings would be better directed at those who are judging you unfairly.

is it just me that now fancies kettle chips and jaffa cakes for tea?

Really? A complete cow? I still don't see why you told anyone?

I can understand why you wouldn't want people to know. There's a lot of assumption that people who are overweight are just fat, greedy, lazy fuckers who can't be arsed and people often think the same, if not worse of people who have gastric bands or 'weight loss surgery'.

I know several people who have had gastric bands/similar and not lost any weight at all, so it can't be a magic cure that requires no effort.

If you tell a friend something in confidence then they should keep that confidence (obviously assuming you havent broken the law) or they aren't a very good friend at all, regardless of the subject matter.

Well done on your weight loss!

I'm astounded that people have said they think it's cheating

how desperate people must be to have actual surgery

OP - you are bang on, it is not anyone's business. If a close friend you really trusted asked you about your weight then I'd say probably best to tell the truth. But she would know anyway.

It's no one else's business and they should be free to assume what they want to, including that it could have involved surgery or not, but they have NO right to know, and if they are feeling bad because YOU have lost weight and they are unable to, that is THEIR issue and nothing to do with you and your own personal battle or struggle or body.

I really want a gavel for this post but I am sure a lot of people will disagree.

Honestly I don't think how other people feel about your body is relevant. None of their business, but some people find secrets or private things very hard to keep quiet. I found this myself last year, they find themselves either manipulated into telling more than they wanted to or it just gets too comfusing and their loyalties get divided, they get confused, it's not always easy for people.

So I wouldn't be too harsh on your friend as she has been honest with you now but I would be really, really upset about other people knowing something so deeply personal which also might cause more bad feeling being known about than when it wasn't - iyswim/ People get jealous, or think you have 'cheated' which you haven't.

I wish I could make you feel better. I really do. x

Congratulations on your weight loss.

I personally don't think you were being deceptive by not telling people if they had reason to know and hadn't asked you directly. Are you supposed to mention it to all the mums at the school gates in case they think you have lost the weight without an operation?

In my mind YANBU. Your friend has shown she can't be trusted.

TSC - Kylie makes money out of her body image. That's ENTIRELY different, the oP isn't someone trying to profit from disingenuous comment, she is simply trying to manage her own body and weight and medical situation without the whole playground knowing.

I don't get why it's anyone's business how she lost weight. It's so grasping, if people almost seem to be saying 'I want some of that! It's not fair!

I've never understood that nasty competitive weight thing. It's not very sisterhood is it.

No reason to know. Must proof read.

The reality is that people who have surgery normally have at least 8 stone to lose - the majority have over 10 stone to lose.

As with any diet (without surgery) when you have a huge amount to lose the weight drops off really quickly - at first. But when you get down to that final 2-3 stone it slows down. When you get down to the last 1-2 stone it slows down even more.

Many others losing weight without surgery 'only' have 3ish stone to lose. To them it seems like a mountain of weight. However, if you eat 1200 calories a day with 3 stone to lose AND surgery, you will lose about 2lbs a week. If you eat 1200 calories a day with 3 stone to lose with NO surgery, you will also lose about 2lbs a week.

It SEEMS like the surgery route is quick but it is a trick of the eye - or more to the point, Time. When I had 3 stone to lose I had already lost 6 stone. The 6 stone went in 4 months. However, the last 1 1/2 stone has taken nearly 3 months.

I'm not sure I am making myself understood. It only Seems like the surgery route is quick. If a person had surgery with only 3 stone to lose, they would not lose the 3 stone any quicker than someone who hadn't had surgery.

If I hadn't had surgery, at 10 1/2 stone overweight, the first 6 stone would have fallen off me in 4 months if I only ate 1200 calories a day - just as it did with surgery.

Re the volume of food being the same, protein is denser in texture and fills your stomach up quickly and stays in the stomach longer. Carbs, especially highly processed carbs like cake and biscuits, break down quickly turn to slop and move out of your stomach quickly. A bit like the GI diet - if you know it.

Congratualtions on your weight loss- that's a fantastic achievement.

How you choose to loose weight is up to you- it is nobody elses business and your 'friend' should not have told anyone if you had specifically asked her not too. If she was a friend she could have alerted you to the fact people were gossiping asking and then you could have had a choice as to whether to tell them or not.

I don't understand your explanation of how it works. Why is it that you can only eat a small volume of one type of food, and a large volume of another? And if this is true, why have the operation at all? If you have to use your own willpower to stick to the exact same diet you'd have to follow without the gastric sleeve?

To give your friend the benefit of the doubt (and aware I'm in the minority here), she much have felt quite awkward if she was repeatedly asked about your weight loss, because by telling her/telling her to keep it secret you are effectively asking her to feign ignorance to everyone else. She cracked - weak, but I can kind of understand it.

X post about how it works

fwiw I get it the other way - people ask how I am so slim (not trying to boast) and as soon as I say something appeasing like 'Oh, it comes and goes, I've had eating issues for a long time' they seem gratified somehow.

like if it is no effort they hate you for it. If it's due to a MH disability or illness then they still hate you for it because it's like you're trying too hard.

In fact I stop eating when I'm stressed, it's very little to do with wanting to be skinny. I nearly died from this not so long ago.

Yet the weight is such an issue for some people, and I count among my friends the ones who do not comment or ask.