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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To walk away from a friendship because she told other's my secret

263 replies

pingu2209 · 17/03/2012 19:21

My 'friend' of 3 years was one of 7 people I told about having barriatric surgery (vertical sleeve). I didn't even tell my parents or siblings.

Over 7 months I have lost 9 stone (only 1 1/2 stone to go whoop whoop).

This week my 'friend' admitted to me that she has told people that I have had an operation, after she was asked a lot by others (e.g. mum's in the playground) how I have lost so much weight.

I am furious. I can't tell you how angry I am. Of the 6 other people who know, some don't even know that each other knows (if that make sense) so don't talk to each other about it.

I asked her why and she said that it was because she felt that people had guessed that I had had an operation as it couldn't just have been via diet and excercise.

The last person she told reacted very badly to 'my' news and said that I had been 'lying' to other mums in the playground by not telling people about my operation. That my losing weight made other fat mums feel bad that they couldn't lose weight themselves.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 17/03/2012 23:39

The wrong not throng

NeshBugger · 17/03/2012 23:42

Some ppl are very private about their personal health; others aren't. Your gossipy friend should have respected your wishes.

My favourite aunt paid to have a gastric band fitted and told everyone. For her it was a medical need. It even got prayed about in church Grin

iscream · 18/03/2012 05:00

I'd tell her off I suppose, but wouldn't dump her if she is a friend. However, I'd never trust her with a secret again.

Try and not worry about whether people discuss your weight loss. People are interested in things like this. It could encourage others to consider having the surgery and help them live a healthier life. Maybe even save a life!
Congratulations on your success! Hold your head high, you took action and it sounds like it was the right choice.

GraceVictoria · 18/03/2012 06:16

Your "secret" stopped being a secret the minute you told one other person.

You have told 7 people.

A secret is something done or conducted without the knowledge of others.

If your friend was constantly being asked how you had lost the weight I wonder if you expected her to lie and say it was all down to hard work, diet and exercise.

There's nothing wrong with having barriatric surgery. You still have to work at the weight loss and eat healthily.

Don't be too hard on your friend. She probably just got tired of having to make up reasons for your weight loss and decided to go with the truth.

JaneB1rkin · 18/03/2012 07:36

The thing is, any other health issue would have been fair, in most people's opinion, to keep quiet about.

But because this particular one results in the 'admiration' or envy of other people, it's somehow seen as requisite to tell them how it was done.

I don't think that's right. It's like saying our bodies and our image belong to the people who see us.

There's something screwed in our social set up if that is truly the case. It's very 'Daily Mail' to want a bit of what someone else has got, in terms solely of their appearance, while simultaneously resenting them for having it to the point where if they had medical help it means they 'cheated' - to have what? A longer life expectancy and a healthier body or just because they wanted to fit into size 12 jeans?

You decide. But I challenge anyone who feels the gossip is justified as to why exactly this person's weight matters to you.

JaneB1rkin · 18/03/2012 07:46

Also just basic stuff:

The friend has failed to keep a confidence, and in that moment (or several moments by the sound of it) she chose the other people over the OP in terms of her loyalties. And was in effect gossiping about the OP. So on that basis I would distance myself markedly from her.

She may just be weak but I don't need friends like that and neither does the OP.

The friend has also failed to grasp the fact that the OP is very sensitive about something which is deeply, deeply personal, may have felt a mixture of embarrassment, shame, the fear of it maybe not working, apprehension, pride, excitement and relief and also it sounds like it has been bloody hard work and very difficult both physically and psychologically.

To put something that has this sort of impact (both on others' opinions, clearly, even just reading this thread, and on the OP herself) out into the public domain precisely where this impact would occur, was stupid and shortsighted and whatever reason the friend had for doing it was, IMHO< simply not good enough.

So yes I would be distancing myself very much. Maybe not entirely, as the friendship may have other levels on which it can continue to function but there would not be the sharing that there was prior to this.

I've still got the friend I had who shared various confidences of mine, and she has apologised for it and blamed being manipulated into telling. However I know her well and she is fairly weak in these situations and yes, she does judge me for the things she spoke about to others so there may be an element of this in the OP's friend as well. Judgment I mean.

I would distance myself and be nice and polite and let it ride...and see how it went...and never tell her anything important to me again.

WinkyWinkola · 18/03/2012 08:38

Completely agree Jane.

And if the op told 6 or 7 people - so what? It can still be a secret. They can be people she thought she trusted implicitly. She was wrong but it is her friend(s) failings. Not the op's.

differentnameforthis · 18/03/2012 08:38

pingu, well done on your weight loss! Please don't feel you have to justify why you didn't tell everyone what you had done, it is NONE of anyone's business, and those saying on here that you were being deceptive has it wrong. You withholding info isn't an issue.

The issue is that your friend broke a conference. That is absolutely awful & you are right to feel very pissed off indeed! I don't agree with the poster who 3 years is not a long time for friendship to be that strong in terms of loyalty over keeping secrets because I have a great friend how I have known about that long & she holds many of secrets, time has nothing to do with secrets, trust & respect do!

Walk away if you need to, but certainly don't feel you are deceiving anyone for not telling them everything!

differentnameforthis · 18/03/2012 08:38

The issue is that your friend broke a conference confidence!

Where the heck did conference come from! Confused

JaneB1rkin · 18/03/2012 08:43

Actually I don't even think celebrities deserve the sort of intrusion and speculation, hatred and resentment for their body shape or anything else private and personal tbh.

But to carry that attitude of 'your weight is a public issue, we need to know details' into a playground situation is beyond screwed up. Who do these people think they are, to know how you did it?

It's not a race FFS. I'd have thought that it was obvious we all have different reasons for weighing/eating/looking the way we do, different struggles with it, different timescales.

No one's weight is anyone else's business. The most I might say to someone is 'you look really nice, have you lost a bit of weight?' but only if others were discussing it with them at the time and I was joining in with an already open conversation, that they were obviously happy to have.

Otherwise I leave that topic WELL alone, because it's not something I see as relevant and I'm not competitive about losing weight. It amazes me how many people are though Sad

SugarPasteHedgehog · 18/03/2012 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaneB1rkin · 18/03/2012 09:52

Exactly. Everything you said!

znaika · 18/03/2012 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WinkyWinkola · 18/03/2012 12:46

Eh Znaika? That's rubbish.

If you're not friends with people who ask you to lie for them, then i hope you refuse to listen to any of your friends confidential issues because you might have to lie keep it quiet.

There is a BIG difference between saying you don't know because its nobody else's business and actively deceiving people about something they should know about.

kickmewhenimdown · 18/03/2012 13:02

YANBU to be annoyed at your friend, she broke your confidence. AFAIC YABU telling people you lost it through eating less and moving more, because imo your weight loss is not down to that, it's down to your operation. People are going to speak about dramatic weight loss such as yours and you should have been truthful or told them to mind their own business.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 18/03/2012 13:21

I agree with Winky, it is a big difference between keeping a private confidence that hurts nobody and telling a lie when someone needs to know the truth.

For example, my BIL took an overdose of amphetamines and alcohol the Christmas before last. He didn't want anyone to know so PILs agreed not to say anything to anyone. But rather than keep it quiet or say it was a private matter he didn't want to discuss, they made up a lie that he had a rare blood disorder that could require a lifetime on medication and might eventually kill him. They refused to give the name of this rare disorder though, claiming it was a long name they couldn't quite remember or pronounce.

Understandably everyone was very upset about it and very worried for him. But worse, his siblings, including my DH, were concerned they might have inherited the same condition and worse again, we were all worried that our children might have inherited it. DH and I were left wondering if this condition might be the reason that two of our babies died (unexplained stillbirth and prematurity) and scared our living son could become ill at any time.

So SIL spoke to her parents and they admitted to her the real reason but asked her not to tell us or their other brother (who has four children). She accidentally let it slip in a phone call to her friend that I overheard. She was upset that she had been asked to perpetuate the lie and I was upset that she knew how worried we were and still kept the truth to herself. We were about to take our son to the doctor to ask for blood tests for some unknown but potentially fatal illness his uncle was suffering from and it was all a lie.

That's a confidence that should be broken, when it is to sustain a harmful lie. All they needed to say was that he was in hospital but had asked for privacy. That was a confidence it was his right to ask for and which people could and should respect. It didn't hurt anyone and it was his own business.

But to make up such an elaborate lie, one that made his three siblings concerned for their own health and which had two of them worried for their own children as well, was cruel and wrong. And when SIL found out, that was a confidence she should have refused to keep.

If you feel you would rather break a friends confidence than say "I don't know" to someone else then you still have the option of saying "You'd have to ask X about that" or "X is my friend and I don't feel comfortable discussing her in her absence."

It would be a shame to lose friendships because they might expect you to keep a personal matter between yourselves and it must be difficult to maintain a friendship where you can't talk in confidence for fear you will break it if asked by someone else.

bibbityisaporker · 18/03/2012 13:28

Why did op tell her friend in the first place?

mrspepperpotty · 18/03/2012 13:40

OP, well done on your brilliant weight loss. I know that it is difficult to lose weight successfully even after surgery, as evidenced by the number of people who fail to do so. However, I'm afraid I think you are being dishonest by omission when you claim to have lost weight by healthy eating and exercise. You have referred to surgery as a 'tool' rather than a magic solution, I agree that is a valid description but not mentioning this 'tool' is dishonest IMO.

In this situation I believe you are entitled to be dishonest in order to maintain your privacy, but I think YABU to expect someone else to be dishonest for you. I agree she could have said something non-commital like 'you'll have to ask X yourself', but IMO that would probably have been interpreted as 'I know something but I'm not saying' and people would have guessed the truth anyway! Maybe she would have retained the moral high ground, but practically speaking it would have had the same outcome.

I do agree that people should stop gossiping and leave you in peace, but unfortunately it's unrealistic to think you can lose 9 stone without anyone commenting. Many of the people making comments may be overweight mums trying to pick up weight loss tips, which is understandable I think!

Of course it's up to you whether to stay friends with her. But I think you need to accept some of the responsibility for what happened.

PineCones · 18/03/2012 13:40

bibbity because one confides in ones friends

bibbityisaporker · 18/03/2012 13:42

Or burdens them with ones secrets.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 18/03/2012 13:43

The OP said above, she needed some support and thought she could trust and rely on her to help and to keep the confidence. The friend took care of the OP's son one day while she was recovering as the OP didn't even tell her family she was having the operation.

The friend has told several people about the operation and only admitted she had done so when one of them got angry about it. I'm still not sure why she thought they had a right or a need to know.

bibbityisaporker · 18/03/2012 14:18

I just think it would be a shame if op dumps her over this. It doesn't sound like she has all that many friends and doesn't have a close relationship with her family. I think she should forgive and move on.

HardCheese · 18/03/2012 14:50

I don't think it matters in the slightest who you told, or what the information you wanted to keep confidential was, or what you chose to tell other people - she betrayed your confidence to a number of people. I'm sure we've at some point all been tempted by being the one with insider information, and being put under pressure by others to tell all, but a decent person keeps the secret they've been asked to keep to themselves.

saintmerryweather · 18/03/2012 17:48

Its not a secret if you told 7 people.

ragged · 18/03/2012 18:01

Have read all of OP's posts & still don't get the secrecy. Privacy, sure, at the beginning, but not necessarily forever.

But if you think she's into power games that's a different problem.

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