To walk away from a friendship because she told other's my secret

[pingu2209]

My 'friend' of 3 years was one of 7 people I told about having barriatric surgery (vertical sleeve). I didn't even tell my parents or siblings.

Over 7 months I have lost 9 stone (only 1 1/2 stone to go whoop whoop).

This week my 'friend' admitted to me that she has told people that I have had an operation, after she was asked a lot by others (e.g. mum's in the playground) how I have lost so much weight.

I am furious. I can't tell you how angry I am. Of the 6 other people who know, some don't even know that each other knows (if that make sense) so don't talk to each other about it.

I asked her why and she said that it was because she felt that people had guessed that I had had an operation as it couldn't just have been via diet and excercise.

The last person she told reacted very badly to 'my' news and said that I had been 'lying' to other mums in the playground by not telling people about my operation. That my losing weight made other fat mums feel bad that they couldn't lose weight themselves.

Goldenbear, I don't decide to either keep my friends' secrets or gossip about them based on how worthy I think the requests are, or how important I think the secret is to them

I don't understand your description of weight loss at all.

You have to reduce calorie intake or increase calorie burning by 3000 to lose 1 pound of fat. So the rate at which a person loses weight is based on what they used to eat before. 6000cals down to 1200cals would not be the same as 2000 down to 1200 which is what you are suggesting to lose an average of 2lbs a week.

I think your friend was probably just making conversation, she may not have even told more than one person, it may have been that person that told others. If you want a secret kept then don't tell anyone!

Why not it is easy to understand degrees of seriousness. It is not necessary idle gossiping it sound like someone asked her and she told them by mistake. It is not exactly the end if the world. I think it sound to me like the OP is annoyed for her friend disclosing the truth that gas dispelled the myth!

Not 'gas', 'has'

Goldenbear, are you saying then that you cannot trust anyone to keep your secrets? That's pretty sad that you can't confide in anyone.

6 people? She might have 6 close friends and needed the support from all of them.

I would imagine losing that amount of weight everyone was talking about you and had guessed the truth anyway, it is very silly to think otherwise. And had you said to me that you had reduced your calories and were moving more I would have known you were talking nonsense, just like fern Britton said. Had you told anyone who asked the truth this would be no issue and you'd still have a friend.

Yes it is easy to understand degrees of seriousness, but if a good friend asks me to keep a confidence then that is what I do, because I like and respect them and if it is important to them for me to keep it quiet then of course I will

Also the 'friend' told several people,if it was just one person and it just slipped out I would be more likely to agree it was an honest mistake

People do lose huge amounts of weight in a short space of time by reducing calories and moving more (especially if it is a vlcd like lighter-life etc) I know it's rare but it doesn't automatically mean weight loss surgery. My friend that I mentioned earlier who lost 10 stone + had to show people her stomach to prove she had no surgery scars Personally I'd have let them think whatever they want but then my stomach is a bloody awful state,seeing it would probably scar them for life

I only told the friends who helped me recover after surgery by looking after my children. I needed 2 weeks cover as my husband works over 2 hours away and I had not told my parents or siblings.

The heavier you are the more you need to eat to maintain your weight, so eating 1200 calories at 10 stone overweight or at 2 stone overweight - you will lose a greater amount of weight per week when you are 10 stone overweight.

Anyway the 1200 calorie / 2lbs per week was only meant to be an example.

I lost 6 stone between mid August and end December. However, since beginning Jan and now I have lost 1 1/2 stone. (I lost 1 1/2 stone before the surgery). I have not changed my eating habits over the last 3 months, it is just that I have less to lose so the weight loss slows down.

I will explain again to those who didn't understand my last explanation of why opt for surgery if you don't lose weight a) faster and b) easily.

You don't lose weight faster. If you are 10 stone overweight and eat 1200 calories a day after surgery, you will lose the same amount of weight as someone who is 10 stone overweight and eats 1200 calories a day who has not had surgery. Whether you have surgery or not, sticking to 1200 calories, the weight will fall off you rapidly as you are so heavy.

The surgery - any of the surgeries - is a tool. It is not a magic wand. There is the perception that having the surgery will make you only want to eat healthy food, that if on the rare occassion you have a cake/biscuit etc, you only want or are able to eat 1 or 2. Sadly, this is not the case. This is why you need therapy before the surgery.

Due to the density of food, the food that is light and processed and carb based will have far less, to almost zero, restriction. You can still eat a tub of hagan daas or a tube of jaffa cakes etc. However, you can only eat half a chicken breast or salmon steak.

You have to have the will power to chose healthy food. You have to have the will power to say no to crisps as a snack.

Most people with 'only' 3 stone to lose (as an example) are overweight because they eat quite a lot of unhealthy food as snacks. You still have to give all that up.

The pre surgery therapy helps you understand where and why you are gaining weight and so helps you to make the decision to select the healthy option and say no to the cakes.

However, there is still a lot of will power involved if you have children in the house and there are crisps and biscuits etc in cupboards. Believe me, I know!

I have managed to stick to healthy choices (mostly) and so the surgery 'tool' has helped me to lose weight.

If you didn't want anyone to know, then you should have kept it a secret I'm afraid to say.

People always talk & with something as drastic as your weight loss or plastic surgery, people always chitchat.

If your friend is genuinely sorry & it came from a good place, I'd let it go.

So you weren't able to stick to a 1200 cal diet before and that is why you had surgery? Do you find it easier to eat less now?

Thanks for the explanation. What you said is totally not true for me - I'm 5 stone overweight, I already diet, I eat 1200 calories or less a day, and I lose 2 lb per week.

That means that with the surgery you lost weight 6 times quicker than me on my 1200 calories. That is incredible and means the surgery is doing something much better/faster than my dieting at 1200 calories.

YANBU

I had a sleeve about 2 years ago, I lost about 11 stone in about 6 months and people were constantly asking how I did it. I never ever lied- I said I was eating less and moving more( this was true, I was hardly eating anything and exercising every day). I did not tell people about my surgery.
I did however, tell a couple of close friends, because, like any major event, I wanted to talk about it with close friends. I would be extremely upset if I found out they told other people.

I really dont see why my medical history should be discussed as playground gossip.

It took me a long time and a lot of soul searching to make the decision to have surgery. I also had to wait a long time and my fragile (at the time) mind really could not have coped with people saying "just diet"- like I hadn't tried that!

I would be so so so upset if I found out my friend had told others- especially as playground gossip- I am honestly not sure if I could speak to them again. Making the decision to have the surgery was probably the hardest decision I have ever made in my life and I just dont see why I should defend it to every Tom, Dick and Harry.

I am sure some people guessed- but nobody has come right out and asked me.

For goodness sake!

The OP should not have to justify on this thread
a) Why she chose not to be open about having had the surgery, and...
b) Why she had the blooming surgery in the first place!!

Her weight loss is her business. She did not want her friend to tell, and friend should not have told, end of.

This thread is about the breaking of a confidence, not about weight loss!

No, how do you deduce that? I do confide in people but something is a bit wrong about this. Ultimately the OP wants to bask in the glory and revealing the whole truth has diminished the value of that glory. I'm not convinced its about the secret being revealed.

You dont lose weight quicker with surgery. You only lose weight because you are taking in less energy than you are using.

However if somebody who weighs 25 stone lives on 1200 calories per day, they will lose weight quicker than somebody who is 15 stone on 1200calories per day. They use up more calories just surviving through the day- never mind walking around. Imagine walking round your house with an extra 10 stone. Imagine how many extra calories you would burn just doing normal household tasks!

For the first 6 months though, I reckon I would have struggled to eat even 500 calories a day- 1200 is very ambitious!

No wonder you lost 11 stone in 6 months John if you struggled to eat 500 calories.

Well done you too

Goldenbear- cant speak for the OP but for me it was never about "basking in glory"
Having been morbidly obese for several years, I was used to being ignored and it made me very uncomfortable to suddenly be the centre of attention, especially about soemthing so personal. I hated all the comments, esp from people I didnt know that well- I really did not know how to respond to them.

When you are that overweight, its not about wearing a bikini and having a good body.... its about being able to sit down without your stomach hanging between you legs... about being able walk without being in chronic pain....

I can understand you were upset but I would be very cross with you for making me lie to others. Clearly people were going to notice.
You had surgery to help you lose weight. Why would you Not want people to know? Diets are very hard and I think it's unfair to let others believe you are doing all on your own, when you have an extra tool helping.

I think possibly one of the reasons you're so annoyed with your friend (aside from the betrayal of trust, understandably) is that people now know you weren't entirely truthful when they asked about how you were successfully losing the weight. You say that you didn't want people to know at the outset because you weren't sure if it would be successful, fair enough. But when it became apparent that it was working, why not just tell the truth when you were asked outright? I don't get that. It just makes it seem as if you're embarrassed about it, which you shouldn't be at all! You've made some very good points about weight loss surgery and how it works, it's certainly made me think about my views on it.

Congratulations though, you've done so well and I hope you reach your goal soon

So pingu, she helped you out by looking after your children when your husband didn't - she must be quite a good friend rather than the backstabbing cow you're making her out to be. You should let it go.

OP I can understand how you're feeling, I feel that my weight is a deeply personal issue for various reasons and I'd be mortified if this happens to me. And yes, you should tell your friend that she has hurt you.

However, I would urge you not to feel bad in any way about this surgery, and stuff what the playground mums think. Having that kind of surgery must take courage, losing the weight must have taken willpower and strength even having had it done, and you should be so proud that you have acted to make your future healthier. Be proud, people become overweight for all sorts of reasons and there's no shame in taking the surgical option to help yourself if that's what you need to do.

john, such a dramatic weight loss in such a short space of time will attract attention whether you like it or not. Surely by owning up people talk less, otherwise there is lots of speculation from silly gossips that draws a lot more attention to the situation.

you should let it go, and you should look at why you think this needs to be a secret, do you think having the op is something you should be ashamed of/embarrassed about, do you feel like it's cheating? If not, why make it into a big deal by hiding it? (which if you'd told people to start with, they would have just shrugged, you made it gossip by keeping it secret).

Well done to you!
Who gives a monkeys how you loose the weight, whatever way you do it it is hard work both physically and emotionally. I am sure there is jealousy involved. Ignore those who throw stones, you have taken control of your life, well done to you!