Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To walk away from a friendship because she told other's my secret

263 replies

pingu2209 · 17/03/2012 19:21

My 'friend' of 3 years was one of 7 people I told about having barriatric surgery (vertical sleeve). I didn't even tell my parents or siblings.

Over 7 months I have lost 9 stone (only 1 1/2 stone to go whoop whoop).

This week my 'friend' admitted to me that she has told people that I have had an operation, after she was asked a lot by others (e.g. mum's in the playground) how I have lost so much weight.

I am furious. I can't tell you how angry I am. Of the 6 other people who know, some don't even know that each other knows (if that make sense) so don't talk to each other about it.

I asked her why and she said that it was because she felt that people had guessed that I had had an operation as it couldn't just have been via diet and excercise.

The last person she told reacted very badly to 'my' news and said that I had been 'lying' to other mums in the playground by not telling people about my operation. That my losing weight made other fat mums feel bad that they couldn't lose weight themselves.

OP posts:
maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 17/03/2012 20:20

YANBU

She is a cow

And actually it is possible to lose that much weight that quickly, one of my very good friends lost almost 11 stone in 8 months (with a food replacement diet) and my husband has lost 4 and a half stone in seven weeks with low carb and exercise

I don't think that any method of weight loss is easy, surgery is a huge thing to go through so I don't see it as the easy option at all, and anyway each persons weight loss journey is personal to them so I don't think you owe anybody any explanations

Congrats on your weight loss Grin

rhondajean · 17/03/2012 20:21

I'm not having a dig, honestly, but based on what you just said why didn't you just eat the 1200 calories a day then and avoid the invasive surgery?

I know it's not an easy route, I was in hospital next to a woman with the balloon who literally could not stop eating and was making herself ill, in terrible pain, and at risk of rupture. I've said on surgery threads here before people absolutely must get counselling alongside surgery.

Goldenbear · 17/03/2012 20:22

That's not the issue though, the op didn't ask, AIBU for not wanting to tell all mothers/fathers at the school gate that I had surgery to aid weight loss. The OP has expected too much of a friend in that she wants her to perpetuate a lie- if this person was asked about the OP's weight loss it may have been very difficult to avoid telling the truth! It is unfair to dump her over things that were perhaps beyond her control and she shouldn't have put her friend in that position.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 17/03/2012 20:24

I don't think it matters that you 'lied' to people, because if you have also been eating less and moving more it's not really a lie, it's an omission. You've just left out something they have no right to know (or ask) unless you choose to tell them.

If you have changed your diet to make sure this surgery is a success then good for you. If you are now eating healthy food because of your own willpower and desire to make it work then also good for you. I haven't heard of this sleeve thing before but if it only works because you make changes to your diet then it is down to you that it has been a success, you are the one who has to find that willpower after all.

And just because you stand in the playground with these people they have no right to know about your life. If you have lost weight through surgery or any other way they have no right to ask and if they do ask, you have no obligation to tell.

rhondajean · 17/03/2012 20:24

No I agree about the friend - I'm just genuinely interested in all this, and it seems like she's saying she could have had the same result without the surgery?

It's a bit off a detour sorry.

LucyManga · 17/03/2012 20:27

What a cow. It wasnt her news to tell, even it wasnt a secret (which it was).

YANBU. Well done on the weight loss!

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 17/03/2012 20:32

No, I'm sorry but I don't for one minute buy the whole 'well her friend had to tell or she would be perpetuating the lie' thing at all (I know I'm paraphrasing)

She could have said, oh I'm not sure what she's doing but doesn't she look great, or you'd have to ask her yourself or something else equally non commital

So are you saying that if someone tells you something personal like relationship problems or health problems you have to immediately tell anyone who asks all the details?!

shotinfoot · 17/03/2012 20:33

Well done on the weightless.

However, I'm rubbish at secrets. I try to keep them but inevitably it will slip out at some people. And you told SEVEN people. That's quite a lot.

I would also put this into the category of not a bad secret, so I would imagine your friend wouldn't think it would be that bad to let it slip here and there, probably not realising some people would react badly.

I think YAB a little U but then I'm only sticking up for my own blabbermouth tendencies. But I am a good friend who does really care about people and would hate it if a friend walked away from me.

  • yes realise should learn to keep my mouth shut but the playground is a tricksy place, people corner you Wink
Original poster
pingu2209 · 17/03/2012 20:33

to answer a few points;

Yes, for it to be successful I do believe you need therapy first - which I did for 8 months before the surgery.

You do have to change your lifestyle and understand why you overeat. For me, I decided to go back to work. For others it may be totally different.

Re the amount you can eat. If you were to picture the density of a pork chop in comparison to the density of a wafer. This is how your stomach digests. The more a food has been processed, the less the density and the greater you can eat.

I fully understand the question "why have the surgery?" It is because the operation is only a 'tool'. If I were to eat a small salmon steak with a small salad, I will be full for ages afterwards. I can't have a pudding or even a drink. If I hadn't had the surgery I may take the attitude, I will have the pudding and then half an hour later have a biscuit etc.

By having the 'tool' you still need to make healthy choices, but if you do then the 'tool' works. Of course if I'm out with friends and have a coffee and slice of carrott cake, I can eat as much as anyone else with no restriction.

This is why surgery is not an easy way to lose weight.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 17/03/2012 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaneB1rkin · 17/03/2012 20:38

No TSC I think the situation you describe is extremely sensitive.

Things like that take some skill that not all of us possess (myself included). But to get it wrong isn't any more a good thing because of this.

MirandaGoshawk · 17/03/2012 20:40

That's a good point - when if people 'grow up' they realise that they do not need to know everyone's business and learn to keep their mouths shut and not speculate/gossip.

Bobyan · 17/03/2012 20:41

The fact she has told "people" rather than a person, clearly shows it wasn't an accidental slip of the tongue. I find it quite sad that someone you consider a friend feels the need to gossip. If she didn't want to lie if directly asked, she should have told them to ask you.

As for the other people asking why you basically didn't diet, I think I would chew my own arm off if I had to survive on 1200 calories a day!

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 17/03/2012 20:42

If someone asked specifically, 'isn't she doing well at weight watchers' then surely it's just as easy to say "actually I'm not sure what she's doing to lose the weight" than to blab about something a good friend has asked you to keep quiet?

One of my dear friends had cancer, and there was a certain milestone she wanted to get through before people knew. Do you think I should have told any random mum at the school gates what was happening with her just because they asked me if she was ok as she was looking pale and tired?

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 17/03/2012 20:43

If the friend were feeling uncomfortable about keeping the secret/telling a lie then she still should have spoken to the OP before she started telling people about the operation.

Even something as simple as "people are asking me questions about your weight loss and I feel uncomfortable by keeping quiet. Could you perhaps tell them yourself because it's making me feel uncomfortable because I can't reply honestly."

And in the meantime just say "I'm sorry but you'll have to ask Pingu about her diet" to anyone who was questioning her.

It's not like it's a secret that will affect or hurt anyone else if they are not privy to the whole truth of the situation. It's just a few nosy people in the playground who don't really need to know anything about it.

ifancyashandy · 17/03/2012 20:44

I would be livid.

Weightloss is hugely personal and not something to be gossiped about. I would feel like she were judging me.

And those who think an operation an easy option are wrong - it's a huge commitment and takes as much will power as dieting. Indeed, you have to 'diet' post surgery. I've not had such surgery but am close to someone who has.

leftwingharpie · 17/03/2012 20:46

I don't think you can ever expect others to keep a secret you can't even keep yourself. Why did you tell the friend?

rhondajean · 17/03/2012 20:47

Thanks pings I get what you are saying now.

As I said above, I can understand your friends motivation but I still think she was wrong.

I think the media has a lot of blame to take for the view that the surgery is an easy option tbh.

ChaoticAngel · 17/03/2012 20:50

Your weight loss is nobody's business but yours. The fact that you chose to confide in a small number of friends doesn't alter that fact. YANBU

Goldenbear · 17/03/2012 20:52

Well May, no I wouldn't divulge any secrets friends had told me if it was something serious. I have a friend who has cancer that had spread and doesn't want school gate people to know. I would never tell anyone but this is not life or death. The op is getting purely good feedback that is giving credit to her, rightly so but then why lie about it. She has been asked and has told people that it is down to eating less and exercising more- that is not true and she has no reason to lie. She has lost the weight it is a good thing, other people's knowledge of that will not make them treat her differently. If people know about my friend's cancer it could attract attention and pressure that she doesnt desire at the moment.

Deux · 17/03/2012 20:52

What's the point of having surgery if the weight loss would have been the same without surgery?

I don't understand.

WinkyWinkola · 17/03/2012 20:53

If I'd asked a friend not to tell people I cut my toenails yesterday, then I would expect a friend to keep their mouth shut.

It really doesn't matter what you ask to keep quiet, it should be kept quiet if that is how you prefer it. It is your own business.

I can completely understand why the op would want to keep this under her hat until she felt ready to tell people herself.

Your friend could have just shrugged her shoulders and said, "Do you know, I'm not really sure." It's easy to brush people off and give them the message that you are not telling them more information.

Your friend, op, simply chose not to and wanted to gossip. I wouldn't bin her as such but I certainly would never ever ever tell her anything of great importance again. You've learned something really vital about her. She can't be trusted.

And if people ask you why you didn't make it all public, just say, "It was all happening a bit quickly and I didn't really know how to handle it best," or you could try the shirtier, "Because it's nobody else's business. Cheerio."

Congratulations on your new, healthier self. I bet you look fantastic and there's a lot of jealousy floating about.

BooMagoo · 17/03/2012 20:54

Congratulations on losing such a vast amount of weight,so quickly.
I doubt that your friend intentionally told people about the op,especially if she's slim herself. It wouldn't be that big a deal.
Don't tell anyone something that you'd rather would never be revealed. If you like her,keep her.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/03/2012 20:56

I do not understand the maths you describe at all - how can someone lose 6 stone (84lbs) in 4 months with no surgery at 2lbs a week.

That doesn't make sense - you would lose 32 lbs Confused

You also said it's the same result with or without surgery - again I dong understand the advantage surgery gives then if you only lose 2lb a week with either surgery or dieting.

What am I missing????

Goldenbear · 17/03/2012 21:00

I don't agree wonky, If you don't want people to know don't tell anyone - certainly don't tell 6. If it is a lie that is not important then it is a silly expectation to have of a friend.

Swipe left for the next trending thread