To walk away from a friendship because she told other's my secret

[pingu2209]

My 'friend' of 3 years was one of 7 people I told about having barriatric surgery (vertical sleeve). I didn't even tell my parents or siblings.

Over 7 months I have lost 9 stone (only 1 1/2 stone to go whoop whoop).

This week my 'friend' admitted to me that she has told people that I have had an operation, after she was asked a lot by others (e.g. mum's in the playground) how I have lost so much weight.

I am furious. I can't tell you how angry I am. Of the 6 other people who know, some don't even know that each other knows (if that make sense) so don't talk to each other about it.

I asked her why and she said that it was because she felt that people had guessed that I had had an operation as it couldn't just have been via diet and excercise.

The last person she told reacted very badly to 'my' news and said that I had been 'lying' to other mums in the playground by not telling people about my operation. That my losing weight made other fat mums feel bad that they couldn't lose weight themselves.

What I mean is I got the impression she said those words not to court anything at all but to maintain a disinterest in the details of her weight change.

To deflect any potential overinterest and thus by saying something plain and yes, truthful, though omitting some facts, something you might expect to hear, that does not provoke curiosity or really assuage it, she was trying to keep people away from the situation in any respect.

Not trying to bring them further in, (could have said Oh I have had a miraculous realisation, or found a great diet, or I don't know, it just happened, all of which would have invited more drama) and not telling them to mind their own business, again causing drama, and not telling them she had the op which was potentially the most dramatic thing she could have said.

I'm not sure what would have been right, from some people's POV.

And considering that the people asking may well not have been close friends, and may well have judged the OP negatively for having surgery.

Close friends, yes, you'd say straight out 'I had an operation. I don't know if it will work but I need it to, and I'm trying very hard and I don't really want to talk about it'.

Other people you don't really want to confide in? Not so much.

To an extent, yes, it was hard for the friend but personally, I would have found it FAR easier to find something to say in the friend's position than in the OP's. Simply because I have a cut off in my head that says 'this is not information that belongs to me, and therefore I cannot share it'. The friend can blame the OP for putting the locks on this info.

The OP can blame no one. It's all down to her to make the right judgment, get the balance exactly right.

The friend could have said any number of things which effectively passed the buck, but she chose not to and I feel she chose wrongly, though I can see that if put on the spot without thinking it through properly, it might have been very tricky to come up with something suitable.

I just think it's an error of judgment which is why i thought once the dust has blown over, maybe the friendship might be rekindled. I hope so anyway...I certainly felt I had perhaps put my friend in a difficult position when she betrayed my confidence, (see earlier post) and I told her as much when we made up. Still I hesitate to entrust important info to her as I know she will find it hard not to tell. But I forgive her as I like her. I just keep things to myself a bit more now.

Personally I'd have told the truth, no need for detail something along the lines of "I had a band fitted" or some such, followed by a simple I'd rather not discuss it at the moment if people are too prying.

I am planning a breast enhancement later this year, natural looking blah blah and whilst I won't make a big deal of it, if people notice then I'll just say I had them "done". Trying to pretend that the change is down to something else seems disingenuous and futile in my opinion.

Well, maybe that's how you'll handle it best and if you can cope with everyone knowing something so personal, that's great. I always ,nearly always anyway, advocate telling the truth.

But it isn't always that simple and maybe the OP has much more of an emotional context to her surgery. Well clearly she does. It's not just an op, it's far more than that and if that means she is dealing with it the 'wrong' way, that;s still no one else's business.

You may wish to be completely open with strangers or acquaintances but a lot of people would not. I hope it goes well for you anyway.

With regard to the cancer/alopecia scenario, much of this depends on how many people already know. The OPs problem was visible to all. If a cancer sufferer had a cancer that everyone knew about and suddenly started to visibly improve, I think there would be a lot of interest in what treatment she had had. Also, I would imagine that people suffering from serious conditions would want to help others in their position. What I cannot understand is how the OP, having suffered in the way she has, does not want to share a possibly life saving and health improving solution with others who may have suffered. But that is beside the point.

I do not blame the OP for not trusting this friend, nor for ending the friendship. But I still think asking someone to lie over something so obvious and visible is a big ask, especially when the truth could help others.

Don't get me wrong I'd prefer no one had to know but it might well be obvious and so part of the consideration in having them done was how I felt about people knowing. On balance I'd rather have them done and people know than not have them done at all.

I certainly wouldn't ask someone to lie on my behalf about something that was obvious.

Knowitallstrikesagain: There is jjust so much more to it with weight loss surgery though.

If you have it done privately, you have people speculating on your financial situation; in this climate, a lot of people don't have 10k kicking around in a savings account, and telling people you had private surgery is like basically saying you do. That's what my op cost me, just shy of 10k. And then you get people saying "well, that's just mad, imagine what you could have spent that money on, if only you pulled your finger out and lost it the traditional way".

And on that point, a lot of us who have weight loss surgery HAVE lost it the traditional way, several times. I have. I've lost weight on slimming world, weight watchers, Lighterlife...6 stone I lost with them. Statistically, weight loss surgery is the best option for long term weight loss and weight maintenance. Its the one thing that gives the best possible chance of losing the weight and keeping it off. Obesity surgery patients know how to lose weight, generally; they struggle particularly with keeping it off long term, and there is a limit to how many times you should lose and gain the same few stones. Its bad for your body.

And then if you had it done on the NHS, you are an evil selfish fatso for sapping resources that could have saved someone from breast cancer (which is not actually how it works, and in fact you may well have saved YOURSELF from breast cancer for less £££ than it would have cost to cure you if you hadn't had surgery and had gone on to get it) and all that malarky. If its public funds, people think they have a say in it, if its private funds, people speculate...

Its so much more than simply weight loss and how you did it.

There are the risks of surgery - people will say "I can't believe she risked her life when she had children, how selfish" when actually statistically you are far more likely to die from an obesity related illness if you don't have it than to die on the table if you do (which is why the NHS fund it for people with co-morbidities)

I could go on, but the main point I'm trying to make is you will never please everybody with something like this, so you may as well please yourself.

Knowitall, I'm really sorry but I don't think that's something the OP really ought to feel obliged to consider.

If someone has cancer then generally their doctors and oncologists will be the ones who are finding them the right treatment for their illness.

Hearing about 'so and so had stereotactic radiotherapy and it worked for her' from the playground is unlikely to have any impact on their own outcome or indeed treatment as every cancer (and every case of obesity, as well) is different.

If someone is likely to benefit from the type of surgery the OP had then it is very likely that their doctor will already have discussed it with them. And it may well not be suitable thereby giving them a false sense of hope...it's just not appropriate to be considering the OP as a public relations representative for whatever treatment she has had.

My stance on this thread all along has simply been that it is a shame for op to ditch a friend over this. She can forgive or not - she still loses out.

Looking back I would say YABU as it reads to be as if others guessed & she confirmed.

Not went blithely blabbing to all & sundry.