To walk away from a friendship because she told other's my secret

[pingu2209]

My 'friend' of 3 years was one of 7 people I told about having barriatric surgery (vertical sleeve). I didn't even tell my parents or siblings.

Over 7 months I have lost 9 stone (only 1 1/2 stone to go whoop whoop).

This week my 'friend' admitted to me that she has told people that I have had an operation, after she was asked a lot by others (e.g. mum's in the playground) how I have lost so much weight.

I am furious. I can't tell you how angry I am. Of the 6 other people who know, some don't even know that each other knows (if that make sense) so don't talk to each other about it.

I asked her why and she said that it was because she felt that people had guessed that I had had an operation as it couldn't just have been via diet and excercise.

The last person she told reacted very badly to 'my' news and said that I had been 'lying' to other mums in the playground by not telling people about my operation. That my losing weight made other fat mums feel bad that they couldn't lose weight themselves.

Well done to you.

It is not anyone else's business how you lost weight: you don't owe them some kind of explanation and their reaction just highlights how very disordered people are in this country around weight and women's relationships with other women.

Get rid of this non-friend and explain to her that she has violated your trust. She has also used the information to gain some kind of power in the playground.
What a sad excuse for a human being.

Hold your head up high.

well done on the massive weight loss, truly impressive! I do, however, have sympathy for your friend!

you seem to be incredibly hung up on what people think about you having surgery and it being an easy option

I am sure a lot of people would just be impressed you took action and did something about your weight

I too think its a big ask to expect a friend to lie on your behalf when you lost an incredibly dramatic amount of weight in such a short space of time - most people would jump to the conclusion of surgery or illness I would imagine

A better way for your friend to handle it would probably have been to come and speak to your first if that many people were asking.

I do understand her POV tbh, I think it was ambitious of you to expect it to remain a secret when it was something so visible and think your pride is hurt more than anything

Seems a shame to loose a friend over it, especially if she is sorry?

She did look after my eldest son for the day. Mind you I have looked after her son over night about a dozen times so she and her husband can go out on the razzle! She has never had my eldest son over night.

I think John is that people see weight loss as an aesthetic issue not a health issue. I too was really struggling to live my life. My health was really suffering. I could not sleep well and I ached all over. My knees were in agony and I could hear them crunching as I walked up and down stairs. If I did not lose the weight I would not have lived another 15 years, with the last 5 or so of those years of terrible quality.

Unless you have lived that life, nobody, utterly nobody, can understand.

If you lose a few stone, it is a lot of weight, but it is not the same as 10+ stone. Nowhere near.

I feel exacly the same as you John. I didn't want my weight loss - or more appropriately my previous weight, to be a subject of discussion. By being open about having surgery, people think it is cart blanch to discussing your size. This is acutely embarrasing and something I struggle to discuss with family let alone strangers.

People compare others who are merely a few stone overweight and that type of weight loss is 'basking in the glory' as another poster has mentioned. Of course, this could not be further from the truth.

Every time I am cornered in the playground, in a shop, on the street, at the train station etc. with a positive commet, I do not 'glow'. I have learned and practiced in front of a mirror/my husband a suitable response, which is "thank you, yes I have lost a lot of weight and I feel much better for it." I then move the conversation on or I walk away.

I would far rather nobody say anything to me - especially strangers - but that is not going to happen.

It would not have hurt my friend or the people she was speaking to to say 'no' or 'I don't know' if she was asked if I had had surgery. Even the answer of 'it's none of your business'.

If you approach your friends and ask them to help you and not to tell others, then that is what I would expect.

Sadly I think that she used the knowledge to boost her power/position in the playground. She told over half a dozen people with the comment 'don't tell anyone else'. The only reason she came to me and told me was because the last person she told reacted very badly to the news and said that I was being unfair to all those overweight mums trying to lose weight.

But people will make your weight loss a subject of discussion, because it's so dramatic. No one really notices someone going from a size 10 to a size 8, but losing 10 stone is like losing a whole person, it's dramatic and will attract attention. By not being open about it, you've fed the gossip and speculation, not killed it.

GoldenBear - that's a pretty nasty way of putting it 'she helped you out by looking after your children when your husband didn't' - Pingu's DH was at work - you know, earning money to pay the mortage, bills & put food on the table... it's not like he pissed off on holiday.

Pingu - I can see why you are upset :( I'm sorry it has come out when you didn't want it to, but I do think you put her in an awkward position. However, she should have been honest with you and said she was finding it hard to effectively lie to others and ask you if she could be honest with them or ask what you would prefer she said.

I'm glad it's still going well for you, you are doing really really well :) I don't want the surgery, but I think I'd quite like the counselling!

I should have refreshed before posting - I've not cross posted with half of MN!!

If and only if, you had told her to keep it to herself, YANBU.

I feel a bit sorry for your friend tbh. In effect you were asking her to lie for you, it can make people quite uncomfortable. I would urge you to reconsider dumping her.

I don't understand that though if you were big people must have looked at you anyway(very rude to do so IMO) so you must have to some extent got used to the staring.

Apologies for the basking comment, it is quite clear you didn't want to do that on further reading!

That's one hell of an incredible emotional journey losing nine stone. Although its not great your friend blagged I'd suggest not cutting her out just yet although of course it is your decision and your instincts you have to trust. Its just that things can feel soooooo raw and magnified and you can feel so emotionally exposed when you lose your protective layers and it is easy to knee jerk react.

It can be a brilliant but hideous time as you have to deal with other peoples emotions and your own when you lose so much weight. Weight is SUCH an emotional issue for so many people. The emotions that are buried in our protective overweightness have to go somewhere when we lose it and I can't help but think that your friends may have had to unconsciously share this emotional burden with you and that is why your friend may have betrayed your confidence (this may sound like hippy hocus pocus and its just a strong feeling). I can understand why you wanted to keep it a secret but in whatever way you chose to lose weight you will always suffer the opinions and projections of those around you and its a pain in the arse but we're not islands and it'll subside in the end.

My god you have done SOOOO well. i'd suggest that you just acknowledge that your mate has betrayed your confidence but crack on with the exciting journey and if you can, really try and pinpoint what the overwhelming emotions you might be feeling are made up of and get support and a counsellor to help you metabolise it. (sorry about the bloody journey cliches but it really is a journey)

actually forget some of that-telling SIX people is taking the piss. feel the anger

Congrats!! be proud, be happy and enjoy. Ignore the haters! (bet they are a bit on the chubby side).
Never tell anything that you don't want to be public. I love my Mum dearly but If I tell her anything it will be broadcasted to the whole village :)

Chippin, what I meant was she obviously is fairly reliable or she wouldn't have offered to help the OP. As the OP's immediate family I would expect the DH to be the first port of call as she was having surgery! He obviously couldn't help to that extent and then some of her good friends helped her out. It seems a little unfair to dump a friend who did just that!

I would imagine a few people have guessed (or at least assumed they 'knew you had). A massive weight loss does not go un noticed and people gossip.
She had no right to say anything, but you have been a bit thin on the ground with the truth as well.
The last person she had told may have taken badly as she saw you as inspiration, whoch i get as well and feels let down. Even if people hadn't had it confirmed people would have assumed and gossiped.
Well done on the Weight loss.

Just because the OP is asked a question by other mothers in the playground, doesn't mean she's obliged to answer it fully. She has the right to choose what to pass on and sometimes that can result in not being truthful.

if you asked her not to spill the beans then she should have kept quiet. I can understand why you didn't want people to know and it wasn't her place to tell anyone. It means you can't trust her and you have to trust friends. Can you keep polite but keep your distance.

the friend doesn't have to lie when asked in the playgroup. she can just say that xxx looks fab and then change the subject. or make a joke if asked directly.

I got pregnant through IVF. Obviously people noticed, and just as obviously people knew I hadn't been pregnant before and there was a lot of chat and gossip about it.

I was happy to discuss the baby, but wouldn't have wanted general gossip about the way I got pregnant.

I see a lot of parallels between this and the op. I would have been deeply hurt if someone had blabbed about it, and angry if they used it as a tool for their own social climbing. Given that the friend also seems to use op for babysitting I would question her commitment to the friendship.

I would maybe cool off a little, and be a bit less keen to have her kids stay over.

Some people can keep secrets, some can't. You clearly chose to tell someone who couldn't. If you are fond of her then I should let it go. Chances are people would have guessed anyway.

Yes, people will have guessed, because no one loses 9 stone in 7 months purely by eating less and moving more. People are not stupid - they will know that you will have had to dramatically restrict your calorie intake, not just give up the cakes and biscuits.

If the OP (and others who took the same step, bravely imo) was honest about how she lost this impressive amount of weight and answered people's questions as she has here, maybe society would stop seeing surgery as "the easy option".

As your friend, she should have respected your wishes no matter if her insides were burning up with the urge to tell people. YANBU.

My best friend at school had a condition she found very embarrassing, which she chose to divulge to our other best friend, the only person she told, not even her mother! And that 'friend' told people at school without a thought or care. The two of them never spoke again and I sided with the first friend, while many of our other friends thought she was being precious and overreacting. If she had told me, I would NEVER have divulged that secret and she wouldn't have a) lost a lot of friends b) had to leave school early due to anxiety attacks over bullying, her life would have been totally different. She still suffers from depression and anxiety and I know that that betrayal cut a hole in her that will never go away.

If you can't trust a friend to keep a secret you expressly told her you wanted kept private, she is NOT your friend. If you don't feel you can actually strike her from your life, keep her at barge pole distance; if she grovels for forgiveness bring her back to arms length. Certainly don't share any other personal issues with her.

It's your business. But I know someone who had it ad they could and doeat anything just less. There is no willpower involved just inability to overeat from a volume pov but still you can eat all throng things