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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that WOHM's don't "do the same as SAHMs AND work too!"

876 replies

eppa · 14/03/2012 14:40

Firstly this is not a WOHM bashing thread at all.

Its just that I'm a SAHM and have been offended and hurt by a couple of real life comments basically saying that I shouldn't complain as I'm only a SAHM and that WOHM have to do everything I do AND they manage to work as well.

I disagree with this because for me an average day includes: making and clearing up after three meals, going out to baby groups, park, docs appts, trying to think up and doing activities such as cooking and painting and reading AND trying to keep on top of the mess that having 2 children in the house all day entails.

However a WOHM would get DC up and dressed, drop them at nursery where they would get their 3 meals, do activities etc, pick them up and return to a house that was clean (or the same state as it was left in!).

Obviously both WOHMs and SAHMs work and they both work hard and WOHMs do parent when they are at home. Its just that I don't think its fair to claim that WOHMs somehow do more than SAHMS.

OP posts:
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 14/03/2012 14:42

You have the privilege of being the recipient of my first Biscuit.

molly3478 · 14/03/2012 14:42

Al depends I am 24/7 with DD and also work at the same time. Depends what job you do but Im hardcore Wink I know for a fact I do more than if I stay at home as I am maternity leave right now and its a big holiday!

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 14/03/2012 14:42

Of course they don't. SAHM do the childcare all day, working parents pay for someone else to do this.

That said, if children are at school, it is different.

Whatevertheweather · 14/03/2012 14:42

Anything that starts with 'firstly this is not a wohm bashing' is not going to go well.

Fwiw I think yabu. I've been both and think I did 'do more' when I was working.

Pagwatch · 14/03/2012 14:43

Yabu to give the tiniest shit what other people say about how you chose to organise your life.

Yabu to post another sahm/whom aibu.

People are busy or not, organised or not, lazy or not dependent upon their personal choices and circumstances and tendencies. Everything else is just judginess

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 14/03/2012 14:43

I don't think op was saying that SAHMs do more, just that WOHMs don't do everything they do plus work.

ENormaSnob · 14/03/2012 14:43

I do the same as your average day plus work too.

Dh does his fair share of housework etc.

Callisto · 14/03/2012 14:44

Well, imo I think that SAHM do get it easier. I have worked from home for ages and when DD was born I just carried on and looked after her too. Luckily work is very flexible, but there isn't anything that difficult about making a few sarnies or going to the park.

JaneMare · 14/03/2012 14:44

YABU to post this just before the school run - come on OP, you had all day to put this on thread Angry

Pootles2010 · 14/03/2012 14:45

No i agree with you, it's much easier for me to manage the housework now ds is at nursery, as you say, the house stays done. One niggle - you mention drs appts, we still have to sort those ones! And I'd love to be able to go to baby groups. Oh and ds still has his breakfast at home, so I have to sort that too.

But yes, it is ridiculous to 'compete', especially seeing as most mothers will be both sahm and working mum at some point during their childrens lives.

Whatevertheweather · 14/03/2012 14:45

Fruitsalad read the op's last sentence.......

JaneMare · 14/03/2012 14:45

and yes i do appreciate the irony of my wording Grin

rosycheeksmum · 14/03/2012 14:46

I agree with you OP, I did less housework as a WOHM as there was less to do...when we're at home all day there are more dishes, toys to clear away, rooms to clear up...so of course it's not the same.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 14/03/2012 14:47

Oh yes, so she does. Must read properly.

GeekCool · 14/03/2012 14:47

Um last I checked my son eats breakfast at home with us and dinner...where on earth do you get the idea that all wohm's children have 3 meals a day at childcare?

So your caveat at the bottom is moot because you don't appear to understand what a wohp does anyway.

Debsbear · 14/03/2012 14:47

I tink it's sad that women feel the need to justify either why they stay at home or go to work. We should all support each other in our choices as (virtually) all mothers make the decisions they do with the best interests of their children in mind. I do understand where you are coming from, it's obviously easier to tidy a house that hasn't had 3 small children pulling their toys out all day, but I don't envy people who go to work all day. I'm one of those "lucky" people who gets to stay at home during the day, and then when all the work is done and the kids are tucked up in bed I go to work, :) instead of getting to sit down and relax but that's how life is. Don't take offence when people imply that you don't do anything, most of them are trying to justify their own decisions in life.

Spookey80 · 14/03/2012 14:50

I think being a sahm is a really hard job, and I'm a working mum. Going to work is generally easier for me than being a sahm.
But I think if I didn't have to go work it does take added pressure off of having to get everything organised, including myself and get out the door in the mornings.
It's an individual thing, I work p/t, and that seems to be the best balance for us.
I do suffer from guilt sometimes, when dd2 says please don't go work today mummy.

molly3478 · 14/03/2012 14:50

A lot of mums though have no breaks from the kids and then also have to do alll the tidying from the time they are there so say they work 25 hours a week that is still a lot of hours awake in the house if your kids are up at 6am onwards.

I dont think the tidying at home makes that much difference I have loads of energy for it when Im off as whereas when I am working I have already done washing up, mopping, tidying up 2/3 times before I am back home to do it again, when your off its just the once in a day but when your at work it could be 5/6 times before you start on your own mess!

juneybean · 14/03/2012 14:52

"docs appts" how many appointments do you have? I go once a year if that Confused

ByTheWay1 · 14/03/2012 14:52

I get it in the neck from both sides as I work part time as a dinner lady now little monkeys are at school. So I'm out for the middle few hours of each day, but there for all the kids time at home.... No matter whether you work or not, or do a little bit, someone else will always think they are doing more than you...

So I just don't give a whatever, and nod gently when people say I have the best of both worlds....

jellybeans · 14/03/2012 14:52

I know where you are coming from and don't think YABU. I have been f/t WOHM and p/t WOHM and SAHM. I am not sure which is harder to be honest, many of my WOHM friends say they find work easier and 'a break'. SAH with lots of preschoolers is tough!

Original poster
eppa · 14/03/2012 14:53

It honestly wasn't meant to be offensive - I'm just interested in what people think.
I wasn't saying that SAHMS do more than WOHMs or vice versa or that one is harder than the other - just that they do the same ammount of (different) work and that it wasn't right to claim that SAHMs somehow do less as some people (MIL) have said to me recently.
Pootles - yes you are right about docs appts - that was prob a bad example.
Jane Mare - sorry! I'm not doing school run yet

OP posts:
EssexGurl · 14/03/2012 14:53

All the WOHM I know have nannies and cleaners and in some cases gardeners! I have to do it all myself. I also do lots of other things such as all the playdate / after school activities that none of the WOHM I know do as well as helping out at and organising school events, going into class when needed to help out.

I do as much "work" as a SAHM as I did when I was a WOHM but it is all very different. And just not recognised as much as the WOHMs.

I don't mind until the odd occasion when a WOHM comes to school pick up and says how easy it must be for me not having to do that much during the day! Oh, and we have a lot, lot, lot less money to do it on ....

WilsonFrickett · 14/03/2012 14:54

So who's giving my DS his breakfast and tea then? And who's taking him to the docs? And to his swimming lesson later? And when he comes home from school, is the house going to stay tidy round him?

Both are different but - apart from the house staying tidy between the hours of 9 and 3 - I think I do exactly as much as a SAHM, as well as working and worrying where my next job is going to come from... Weird thread.

TheCrackFox · 14/03/2012 14:54

I am a wAHM but used to be a SAHM - one of the benefits of working is that the children are out of the house creating mess and havoc somewhere else. When you are at home with DCs all day it can just feel like you are cleaning crap all day.

The best tactic is to grin and nod.