AIBU to think that WOHM's don't "do the same as SAHMs AND work too!"

[eppa]

Firstly this is not a WOHM bashing thread at all.

Its just that I'm a SAHM and have been offended and hurt by a couple of real life comments basically saying that I shouldn't complain as I'm only a SAHM and that WOHM have to do everything I do AND they manage to work as well.

I disagree with this because for me an average day includes: making and clearing up after three meals, going out to baby groups, park, docs appts, trying to think up and doing activities such as cooking and painting and reading AND trying to keep on top of the mess that having 2 children in the house all day entails.

However a WOHM would get DC up and dressed, drop them at nursery where they would get their 3 meals, do activities etc, pick them up and return to a house that was clean (or the same state as it was left in!).

Obviously both WOHMs and SAHMs work and they both work hard and WOHMs do parent when they are at home. Its just that I don't think its fair to claim that WOHMs somehow do more than SAHMS.

There's an awful lot of these threads at the moment.

I'm refusing to believe they are for real. The latest one wants a full time wage to stay at home. I think MN has been trolled

Surely what is more difficult depends on your job, temperament and children.

IME WOHM much harder (and I speak as SAHM). My old job was bloody tough mentally and physically involved international travel, arguing with super intelligent angry people and lots of drafting (corporate lawyer). Plus working really really long hours. Now I look after my two very easy and adorable DDs way easier and more fun.

That said if I had had a straightforward 9-5 job well within my capabilities and my children were like some of my friends children (ahem challenging) then the reverse would be true!

jins - I've never said I wanted a full time wage. I just thought that there should be govt support for mothers who wanted to stay at home i.e. increased child benefit/tax credits for the working partner.

I'd be happier seeing a child care allowance for everyone tbh

Eppa-why?
If you choose to stay at home then you must be able to afford it?
Isn't it a lifestyle choice!
Why would the government pay for you to stay at home

"I just thought that there should be govt support for mothers who stay at home"

Like you "just thought" youd say that mummy staying home is best, and children who are in childcare "suffer"??

The UK is particularly bad at supporting SAHMs financially (through tax breaks for parents, children and domestic workers, child allowances, drop-in crèches) etc.

Many countries think that it is the duty of society to support families.

I agree Bonsoir but it's not just SAHM parents that are affected by lack of support.

Jins- agree that it's FAMILIES and PARENTS who should be supported- not just SAHP. It can be incredibly difficult in the UK to afford childcare- which affects working parents.
If you are a SAHP you're probably either partnered to someone with good earning power which enables you to not work OR you both have low earning power between you, so can't afford childcare in which case you'll be receiving tax credits. So it's not true that there is 'no support' for staying home.
Some SAHM have referred to other sorts of value rather than monetary, and said they don't feel valued when not working. It seems to me there's a personal issue there if all your self esteem is tied up in whether you earn or not. Or maybe you have partnered someone who doesn't value you in the way you'd like. Throwing public funds at someone isn't going to raise their self esteem though

eppa- You started this thread (trying to defend your personal choices) and then proceed to make blanket remarks about how SAHM is best for the children, childcare causes 'issues', there is nothing better/ more worthwhile than being a SAHM, suggest that children in childcare don't receive love, etc, etc.
Surely, when you make such offensive remarks about WOHM and their children, you can understand that some people may feel annoyed/ upset, want to defend their choice to work and might therefore make remarks in response which cause you offence.
You started this and need to be mature enough to deal with the consequences and accept that not everyone will agree with your particular view of the world.

There has been bashing of both SAHMs and WOHMs on this thread in fairly equal number. Those of you (OP in particular) who have taken major offence to these remarks and chosen to take them so personally must be feeling rather insecure about your choices if you need validation and approval from everyone else.

Much better to do as Pag and cheerful yank suggest and try to understand that we are all different.

I'm afraid that I can't see any reason why SAHMs should be supported by the government any more than WOHMS. SAHMs make a lifestyle choice (admittedly not always a free choice) because they believe that it is best for their family/ best for them/ cannot afford childcare or for whatever other reason. They contribute by, hopefully, raising well educated, happy children who will contribute to society in turn. Many also do voluntary work at schools/ pre schools, care for elderly relatives during normal working hours, etc.
They do not contribute more than a WOHM who pays taxes, contributes her particular skills to society and, hopefully, raises a family of equally well educated, happy children.
It would be much better if all families were supported and the UK is indeed particularly bad at doing this.

"there should be govt support for mothers who wanted to stay at home"

Surely the parents should provide the financial support given it is a choice to have children. Why should the state pay for a lifestyle choice?

I understand helping with childcare costs as both parents are contributing to the countries taxes but SAHM's dont pay income tax so dont contribute into the pot. It would be sheer madness to pay people to not work, hence the reason the benefit system is undergoing an overhaul.

Oh it's all so predictable..

OP starts off with the classic "This isn't a SAHM/WOHM bashing at all"

Then passivley and agreesivly puts some wishing washy complaint forward about how everyone thiks they're better than her because they have made some or other different choice about their work-life balance.

Then slowly but surely the OP leaks out various statements that contradict the fact that they "have absoultely nothing against WOHM/SAHM, honest gov"

BORING!

OP, no one is judging you, YOU need to feel secure about the choices you've made. That is all that's important. You're children will end up no less fucked up than anyone elses, I can promise you that.

What I can also promise you is that all mothers (with the exception of super dooper rich ones who have no job and full time nannies... I think there are about 9 of these and none of them are on MN) are shattered by the end of the week. Whether that's because you've done 18 school runs, cooked 7 lunches, had your Director breathing down your neck about why your member of staff has underperfromed again and just WHEN are you going to get round to firing their arse, trapsed 4 kids to 3 seperate parents evenings, scrambled round a soft play centre after two year old twins for 3 hour stints, attended 8 board meetings, scrubed vomit off the carpet and PVA glue off the cat, missed your connection train to a presentation, had to stand for a full 48 minute commute 5 days in a row, had to pay your child minder 4 late charges.... you get the picture.

Poor yourself a glass of wine and chill the hell out.

I wonder who is going to pay for tax breaks for you to be a SAHP eppa? Oh yeah, that'll be the WOHPs you so despise

Or maybe all the Big Strong Clever daddies will do all the earning. And all the mummies will stop working. Like a 1950s time warp. Pass the Valium.....

Agree with the Valium bit it's annoying when assumptions are made. I feel like a slave on most days and constantly feel like i am chasing my tail. I l love my job which helps so much!

Surely a choice to work or not depends on individual circumstance and thinking. And none is better or worse than the other. As long as your choice makes you happy and satisfied, it's good. But stop there, let others live with their own decisions and choices and don't compare - it shows insecurity in your own decisions and esteem. Also shows intolerance and inability to empathise.

It is the choice that is important - some of us don't have a choice. As far as tax relief go - have you seen the news recently OP - the govt plan to cut back on such stuff? Moan on though.

Since I had a baby I have increased respect for two types of people - working mothers and single parents. Have some if you can.

In short; if you're a mum, you knackered all.the.time.

Let's all stand together for christ's sake.

Why is it presumed that daddies working and mummies being at home is like a 50's time warp. It's choice thats all. Something that women fought long and hard for! Nothing 50's about my lifestyle

Obviously working mums do the same stuff as SAHM's do - but just a lot less of it.

Or do it more efficiently

I'd rather do everything effectively than efficiently as the latter suggests speed, rush and a bit of military precise, in comparison to laid back, thoughful and not rushed

dont allow these ppl to hurt u with their comments. everyones life is different. u should tell them to look after ur kids to ur standards for a day and then give a commentary on ur so called easy sahm life.

my sis has been both, due to health she wanted to give up work and had done,but shes been forced back to work financial reasons, she hates it. she has said yes being sahm mum is hard but shed do anything to be a sahm adn raise her kids rather than yes toil at work, get her independence and breather from the kids. as for housework it is delayed major clean ups are on a wkend for her. after work theres very little mess since the house has been unoccupied. but she still has to make sure everyone gets their dinner, but shes a tupaware queen she cooks in mass stocks up, so she does have to do a 2 hr session evry night.

if i could do part time work right now i woldnt because i have 3 small kids and another on the way, i dont want to end up totally mental, i feel terrible as it is. but if my kids are all in full education id be bored stiff at home. yes i have the mil to care for but im sure i would feel less suffocated and free if i worked a few hours. id get some money of my own, and tme away from the mil.

No military precision in my house either! It all gets done,it's he end of the day, it's not rocket science or brain surgery

Odd definition of efficiency. Efficiency to me implies minimum stress, maximum achieved. I can afford to be laid back as I am efficient! :)

I have no idea if I am more or less "efficient" than anyone else, but I do know that dd is as much loved and as well looked after as the children of any SAHP.