AIBU to think that WOHM's don't "do the same as SAHMs AND work too!"

[eppa]

Firstly this is not a WOHM bashing thread at all.

Its just that I'm a SAHM and have been offended and hurt by a couple of real life comments basically saying that I shouldn't complain as I'm only a SAHM and that WOHM have to do everything I do AND they manage to work as well.

I disagree with this because for me an average day includes: making and clearing up after three meals, going out to baby groups, park, docs appts, trying to think up and doing activities such as cooking and painting and reading AND trying to keep on top of the mess that having 2 children in the house all day entails.

However a WOHM would get DC up and dressed, drop them at nursery where they would get their 3 meals, do activities etc, pick them up and return to a house that was clean (or the same state as it was left in!).

Obviously both WOHMs and SAHMs work and they both work hard and WOHMs do parent when they are at home. Its just that I don't think its fair to claim that WOHMs somehow do more than SAHMS.

OP I think your feelings about WOHPs are a result of your own insecurity and defenciveness and as a result you feel you have to "compete" with WOHP to justify yourself

You don't. You don't have to justify yourself to others.

Or care a jot about what other people think of your life

Just get on with it and let others get on with theirs without trying to score points off them

P.s Op - if your point is really that it is out of order to diminish what SAHM's do, then I'm with you. I doubt anyone would want to diminish the value and effort of quality parenting and your MIL should bog off.

WOHPs do make and clear up after meals. Who do you think gives children breakfast and dinner and makes packed lunches?

We still do the park, doctors appointments, do activites with our children, cook, read AND keep on top of the mess that having a family entails, pay bills, do the food shooping, do the laundry, sustain realtionships with our friends, familys and partners, we buy birthday presents, we have hobbies an interests.

Plus we work full time

So YABU. Of course we do more.

It isn't actually a competition though and there is no trophy for the person who does the most so why do you care?

This post obviously only applies if you have a pre-school/pre-nursery child. If you are a SAHM to a school age child then you have it much easier than a WOHM as you have most of the day to yourself to get things done.

But it is about individual circumstances isn't it degroote?

Unless a sahm who has two profoundly disabled children at school actually does have it way easier than Myleen Klass

These debates are all always a crock.

I suppose I would just like the people who have said that to me to realise how much I do.

And yet at the same time, you are making assumptions about how little WOHMs might do for their kids.

I have always worked FT, and I definitely do more than friends who are SAHMs. That isn't a boast, as it isn't a competition - it's just a statement of fact.

Before dd started school, I worked a split shift - four hours in the morning and three hours in the evening after she had gone to sleep. She was cared for in our own home in the mornings by a nanny, and tidying up was not part of her contract, so dd wasn't out of the house all day to make less mess. I did all three meals, all doctor's appointments & took her to baby groups etc in the afternoon. Then gave her a bath & put her to bed before going out to work again in the evening. I did all the cooking & shopping & nearly all of the housework, laundry etcc as DH wasn't well at the time. But I also did a demanding FT job on top.

And now dd is at school, I still think I do more. I'm not asking for a medal for it, and I'm not belittling the contributions that SAHMs make - there is a real value to the whole family in minimising the amount of stress all round. Clearly, I don't do everything that a SAHM does - there are a few hours of childcare each week that are covered by someone else, and that number of hours was greater when dd wasn't at school.

But why complain about people commenting on how much or how little you might do as a SAHM while making sweeping statements in the same breath about how little you think WOHMs do when they are at home. You might find that it's more than you think, but that doesn't actually make what you contribute any more or less valuable.

I've done both and I think it all depends on how much sleep you are getting! No sleep and SAHM is harder than a full nights sleep and WOHM.

What is sleep frankie?

Okay I see what you mean. But I think the issue is not WOHP v SAHP its more just that your friends and family are bloody rude. Maybe if you'd got into the real issue which is your 'friends and family' trying to put you down, you'd have got more support. AIBU to think my friends and family should mind their own business - that sort of thing.

Just tell them that you arse around all day having affairs and buying make-up online. I have honestly got to the point where I don't give a crap, my goals at the moment are things like - grow my hair, attend 3 playgroups per week... I'm not engaging with critisism :) When people have a go at you about this sort of thing its ususally that they are trying to justify their own decisions that they are not 100% sure about, so don't worry about it!

[winks] catgirl1976... you rang?

OP - I am assuming that you have made a conscious decision to SAH with your children. Because you think it's the best thing to do. In which case surely it doesn't matter how much you are perceived to do? What matters if that you are happy that made that decision. Doing the 'right thing' doesn't mean you have to work hard.

I found going back to work really incredibly hard as I had to find a whole new level of organisation to make it all work. On the other hand I don't get all the daily stuff you get when looking after a child all day so that bit is different.
I can't nap in the day while my baby naps which is quite hard particularly after being woken 3 - 5 times a night and then having to get up at 7am to get a toddler ready for nursery then do a full day of mumsnetting paid work.

I can see why you feel the way you do. DD has never been a napper, so I don't stop for a second when I'm at home with her, but I don't think it's fair to make a comparison with WOHMs.

I'm forever trying to convince DP that I'm not sittimg all day with my feet up. W

I love your name lieins

I think of it often with a wry smile :) (usually about 5am when DS thinks the day begins)

I also agree with catgirl...OP who do you think makes dinner, breakfast, packed lunches, cleans and tidies, does household paperwork, shops, etc etc when the parents WOTH? The fairies?!

For me personally I DO do both IYSWIM. Do the SAHM thing in the day, DH cones hone and I go to work for night shift.

Some days I get some sleep when I get home, some days not, depends on circumstances but still have to do school runs, housework, mealtimes homework etc.

Doesn't mean that I think SAHMs have it easy though, not by a long chalk.

I liked pagwatch's post on page one mentioning it depends on circumstances and tendencies.

Who says it's a good thing to be super busy and organised ?

And even if it is I'm probably as busy and organised as I can handle.

(Situation - I've worked P/T with children since my youngest started school, with some small breaks between employment situations)

So I tend to try to bridge any gaps I see in discussions between SAHMs and WOHMs - I think most of us do some combination of both

I've done both and I think it all depends on how much sleep you are getting! No sleep and SAHM is harder than a full nights sleep and WOHM.

But surely it depends on what kind of work you do? My job is infinitely harder than looking after dd all day.

It will also depend on your children & how "easy" they are, how many you have, how old they are, whether there are SN etc. I only have one dd who is a joy to look after. It would be very different if I had three children with complex needs.

And then there are other factors - your personality & skill set, your support network, where you live etc.

I don't think you can make a blanket statement about which role is harder. Personally, I know I work more hours than I would if I was a SAHM, but I would find it difficult & stressful to be financially dependent on someone else. What works for one person might not work for the next.

I think we all do the best with the resources and circumstances we have - which are all different

If we feel defensive about our choices, then attacking the choices of others isn't actually the best way to allay those feelings.

OP - why dont you tell your MIL what she has said has had a profound effect on you, so you would like her to have your DCs full time so you can get a job

She'll soon change her mind about how much she thinks you do

Tee hee catgirl.

Hahahahahaha

Yeah, WOHM just drop their kids off at daybreak, they get their 3 meals a day all at the childcatchers nursery and then get picked up ready to fall tidily into bed. Meanwhile the housework all does itself.

You sound very threatened op, by the fact that many women are mums and hold down a job too.

What exactly is your problem?

I really want a WOTH fairy. One that looks like David Beckham.

I am a WOHM, I also am solely responsible for child care arrangements, all the cooking ,cleaning, clothes shopping, birthday party organizing. I have 2 DS who play football- I take them to training twice a week and go to every match on Sunday.
I do the ironing, washing, packed lunches, help with homework and read with my youngest dc half an hour every night.
I also work 37 hours a week outside the home
So OP as a SAHM, what do you do that I don't?
I think its amazing that parents are financially able and are happy to be SAHP and although I have never been one, I would imagine it is a very difficult job- but my job is also tiring and difficult.

It would be a waste for me MissBee :(

I'd be too tired to do anything more than weakly point him in the general direction of the mop :(

total waste