AIBU to think that WOHM's don't "do the same as SAHMs AND work too!"

[eppa]

Firstly this is not a WOHM bashing thread at all.

Its just that I'm a SAHM and have been offended and hurt by a couple of real life comments basically saying that I shouldn't complain as I'm only a SAHM and that WOHM have to do everything I do AND they manage to work as well.

I disagree with this because for me an average day includes: making and clearing up after three meals, going out to baby groups, park, docs appts, trying to think up and doing activities such as cooking and painting and reading AND trying to keep on top of the mess that having 2 children in the house all day entails.

However a WOHM would get DC up and dressed, drop them at nursery where they would get their 3 meals, do activities etc, pick them up and return to a house that was clean (or the same state as it was left in!).

Obviously both WOHMs and SAHMs work and they both work hard and WOHMs do parent when they are at home. Its just that I don't think its fair to claim that WOHMs somehow do more than SAHMS.

No I don't watch any daytime TV, drink coffee in Starbucks or mn all day. Oh sorry, that's only partly true!

(Tongue in cheek)

I'm a working mum and found being a SAHM harder in most ways - the lack of that extra salary, the lack of mental space (e.g. no 30 mins with a coffee and paper on the tube to work!), the lack of adult interaction.

However, the thing I did find easier was keeping on top of the housework. As a working woman, I still have to do my share of washing, ironing, shopping, cooking, homework, appointments, household admin etc, but I have to squeeze it in to the times I am not working, rather than doing it throughout the day.I also have to get up and do breakfast, packed lunches, help kids get dressed, school run etc....then go to work. It can be tiring!

Its not a competition, though, is it?

YABU to post this just before the school run - come on OP, you had all day to put this on thread

What, and miss the repeats of Come Dine With Me !!!

I work bloody hard as a sahm. Sometimes if it wasn't for my efforts I think mn would just dwindle and die.

I've recently gone from being SAHM (working p/t) to full-time working mum.

I do do less housework, eg I don't scrub the oven every week like I used to BUT I spend far more of the weekend rushing about trying to fit a week's worth of housework into 2 days, where I used to do it through the week and relax more at weekends.

I spend more of the evening organising washing/ ironing/ cookeing meals for the next day, when before I managed to get this done usually through the day.

Still have to do breakfast, make packed lunches and have dinner prepared in advance- please please let me into the childcare that does all this catering!

Still have to arrange doctor's appointments (difficult), fit in parents' evenings, school concerts etc. And I still do homework with my kids ever night, and read to them.

The only things I don't do are toddler groups (kids getting bigger now anyway) and I miss the long walks in the park (poor hound just gets a half hour march around now, until I can afford a dog-walker )

However ,I would never imply that I did nothing as a sahm- I did always feel and seem busy. Just not keen on the implication that WOHMs can all afford cleaners/ nannies etc and don't have to do a lot of it themselves!

YABU and you know you are.

I get up, get both children dressed and feed them breakfast, drop one off at nursery, drop the other off with the CM who will take him to school, go to work, do a full day, pick up DC1 from nursery, DC2 from school, bring them home, make and feed them dinner, do reading books and homework and play, then do bathtime and bedtime story then go down and sort out the washing up, clean up and make the packed lunches for the next day.

If DCs need to go to the docs, I make the appts and make sure I can get out of work and take them there. I move my work around their shows and other appointments and do masses of washing and cleaning on the weekend.

I wouldn't change it for the world, though, but please don't tell me that all I do as a WOHM is to drop the kids off and pick them up as its bollocks.

I've just been off on leave for 4 weeks to sort out some things with one of my DCs who has SN and it is 1,000,000 easier to be at home than it is to do both.

Seriously though, although I might not pay a cleaner and would spend longer doing housework and would probably have a tidier house if I was not working, I did get very little domestic/childcare input from my dh before we separated, so I definitely worked harder than him - I prefer to work and certainly need the money now he has been out of work for 9 months!

p.s. I also don't have a cleaner / gardener, but I DO use an ironing service!!

I've been a wohm and a sahm. Wohm is harder if you're single.

I'm a SAHM to two preschoolers and i think that WOHM have it harder.
So far today I've had a friend and her DS round, gone to a preschooler sports session. Older DS now in nursery, DD having a nap so MN time, will pick DS up soon and have one of his friends round for tea while I chinwag with his mum.

Really, it ain't rocket science is it?

Unless WOHMs all have cleaners and cooks, who does the cooking, cleaning, laundry, admin, ironing, shopping, helping kids with homework, doctors appointments etc in their household? Little invisible domestic angels?

I have been a SAHM and a working mum. When I was a SAHM I did all the things you describe. When I was working I still made three meals a day, as DS nursery did not provide breakfast and dinner (not all do) and I made his packed lunch for the day. Nobody else was going to take him to the doctor so I had to take time off/pretend to be ill to do that. Obviously I didn't have to do playgroups/park when I was at work, but I did that at the weekend.

In my personal experience, being a working mother is harder. Obviously that depends on the job you do, and on the individual. But that's my experience.

I win! I win!
I work from eight til 2. So I do breakfast, dinner, after school activities, appointments, cooking, and the house gets messy.
Now, where is my prize?

I think it depends on what you want sahm to 1 or 2 non sn kids is a slower pace of life but for some that would be quite annoying as after a while it can get boring. Its swings and roundabouts dependent on how you feel on that day!

YANBU. When it comes to chores WOHPs still have to do them when they get home (unless they can afford a cleaner) and cook/shop etc. But they don't have to do so much of the basic childcare and entertaining I guess - and the constant cleaning up afterwards! I think the issue when you work is that so much has to be crammed in to such a short time when you'd rather use that short time to be with the children.

Firstly this is not a WOHM bashing thread at all.

But....

Its just that I'm a SAHM and have been offended and hurt by a couple of real life comments basically saying that I shouldn't complain as I'm only a SAHM and that WOHM have to do everything I do AND they manage to work as well.

:o

Well, if the WOHM mother does everything that the SAHM does and wiorks, then of course they are working more. But, in my ecxperience (done both) if you work, you use income to subcontract stuff - typically childcare, cleaning, ironing, gardening etc.

I do think that SAHM of pre-school kids is a totally different proposition from school going kids, the former is a full time, latter a part time job IMO.

Remember when we're at work we're actually working, not having a rest from the dc.

You're tired from looking after your dc, I'm tired from my job and then we both have to come home and cook dinner, ferry dc to swimming lessons etc. etc.

Its not a competition, no one wins.

The hardest thing to my mind when you work is having to stretch your time to organise doctors appointments, dentists, hair cuts, school plays etc. There simply isn't a way to do it without massive stress. Fortunately for me, after years of doing all that stuff, DH is now teaching again so has the school hols to fit in a lot of the 'Child Maintenance' jobs.

I think I have now become a hamster on a wheel. Can't stop. Ever.

To clarify I am a mother to pre-school children so do have them with me all day. I can see that it would be a bit different when they are at school but even then I'm sure the time gets filled.

Oh good, EssexGurl, I was hoping someone would say "All the WOHM I know have nannies and cleaners and in some cases gardeners! I have to do it all myself. I also do lots of other things such as all the playdate / after school activities that none of the WOHM I know do as well as helping out at and organising school events, going into class when needed to help out. "

And I've got you beat Born2. I work 9 to 2, (45 minute commute each way), except Wednesdays when I do 8 to 1 to allow me to go up to the school to read. I feed my children breakfast and tea, and do packed lunches for them. Today they each have a friend coming after shool for a playdate, can only do Wenesdays as I have to take one or other of them to an aftershool activity every other day. I'm the deputy chair of the PTA, have no cleaner or gardener or childcare. The house is a tip, our clothes are unironed, but the real question is not who does what, but why the fuck do any of us do any of it. Me? Because work, volunteering and the PTA make me feel good about myself. And it helps that I live 2 minutes from the school gate.

Who knows?

WOHMs probs busier unless they have great staff.

Doctors/Dentist/Hospital appointments need leaving out of your comparison list as they have to happen for working parents too.

Cooking/washing dishes/loading dishwasher/putting washed dishes away need leaving out too as only one main meal is provided outside the home in most working parents families (this being lunch). You could factor in cooking lunch and washing up lunch dishes but I see that and I counter with making preparing packed lunches each day and washing lunchboxes, drinks bottles, plastic tubs, icepacks etc each day. So leave out lunch at home as one of your extra work factors too.

List of SAHP extra duties is decreasing rapidly here isn't it ?

Laundry needs doing whether you WOH or SAH and often being a WOHP involves an extra "work clothes" which actually increases the volume of laundry done each week. Towels/Bed linen is the same but WOHP just tackle it before/after work or at weekends.

Cleaning needs to happen whether your are a SAHP or a WOHP. Dust accumulates even when you are not home and if you have any pets they create cleaning work whether you are at home with them or at work. Yet another chore that can't be factored into the SAHP/WOHP comparison.

WOHP's do actually do some activities with their children too, like baking, going to the park (I sometimes used to come home from nursery via the park), puddle jumping, painting. They tend however to do them at the weekend so they get to clear up after the messy activities too, at the weekend.

Shopping for food/clothes/household stuff all needs doing whether you are a SAHP or a WOHP.

All household stuff like paying bills/car servicing/property maintenance/gardening all needs achieving whether you SAH or WOH.

So, to summarise, YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE.

You are lucky that you have the opportunity to be a SAHM, and perhaps the people making the comments were a tad jealous.

the only place I have ever seen or heard a discussion about this is on mumsnet.

Why does it matter to you so much?

I've done both. It's harder and I did more while I was a wohm while you have children. so there.

but it's different.

and fwiw it gets harder after they go to school in so many ways. So you don't know anything yet. the end.

I agree op to a certain extent. Whilst a wohm is is at work there are not performing childcare duties plus the house stays tidy.
A sahm clearly does more childcare than a wohm.
Such a shame though that we at women always feel the need to question other peoples choices.