We cannot agree on this obviously. AIBU?

[bjf1]

After reading through a lot of the Relationship threads on MN, I decided that I would have to have THE TALK with my DH.
I was very calm, so was he. We both put our own points across, and I, stupidly, felt that we had made a real breakthrough.
My gripe was that he did not participate enough, both with the DCs or the home. He argued that he went to work and earned the money and that he did not think it was fair that he should come home and start work againg.
I argued that, as a SAHM to 3 DCS, I did a lot of work too throughout the day, albeit not paid work.
He argued that he was entitled to relax in the evening. I argued that so was I, and it was always me that continued with the chores whilst he relaxed watching TV.
Anyway, I really thought we had cleared the air and that things would change. But they haven't. He has made no effort at all and I am still left doing chores until long after he has sat down for a relaxing evening.
AIBU to expect him to at least try to change his attitude or what?

Yanbu.

You are a stay at home mum, not a skivvy.

He's being a twat. I don't understand how he can sit down and relax knowing you're still at it with the chores - but yes, Antlers is right. He needs a bit of immersion therapy - bugger off for a day (a weekend day woudl do) and let him understand what it is you do while he's earning the money.

How old are your dc, and are they at school or nursery at all?

Of course, YANBU.

I find it so disheartening that there seem to be so many men prepared to treat someone so dismally. Their wife no less.

Sit down and relax when he does (dc's permitting) If stuff does not get done (like ironing his work shirt, for example) then it does not get done (shrug) You clock off when he does. If he complains about this, tell him to get off his bum and do it himself. sorted.

Stop doing the chores. When he sits down you sit down. Make sure you feed yourself and the DC before he gets home and put the DC to bed, bath is optional, but do nothing else. Alternatively stop doing anything that will benefit him eg his laundry. It might just get the message across.

x-post Lizzie

YANBU....most definately......

He needs to act like a bloody grown-up and pull his weight - just because he goes to work, doesn't mean that you aren't working all day too! When do you get time off?

"He argued that he was entitled to relax in the evening."

It's weird the things that people feel entitled to.

Where does he think this "entitlement" springs from?

Having a job?

Having a pair of testicles?

Having a wife at home to serve him?

It can't be the first, because I have a job and I don't get to sit on my hole all night while somebody else works around me.

"He argued that he was entitled to relax in the evening."

It's weird the things that people feel entitled to.

Where does he think this "entitlement" springs from?

Having a job?

Having a pair of testicles?

Having a wife at home to serve him?

It can't be the first, because I have a job and I don't get to sit on my hole all night while somebody else works around me.

YANBU on the face of it but sometimes there's more to a thread than what's written in the OP.

Like a poster the other week who thought her DH was out of order for moaning about having to take care of their 2yr old the minute he walked through the door from a day at work.

Sounds like she's not BU on the face of it...she's been at home all day with the 2yr old and probably wants to chill out.

But no, it turned out that she wanted to "Take the washing in, make the beds with clean sheets and vacuum the entire house"

Hence quite a few people asking why she didn't do that work during the day while her DH was out doing his work.

So I don't think anyone can say YABU or YANBU until we know how much time you have in the day and whether (like mine) your kids are at school all day...thus giving you time to relax.

This 'i earn the money' thing bugs me. When i hear that I point out I bring the equivalent of £2,000 after tax into the family, by providing ultra-flexible, 12 hour a day childcare, for at least 5 days a week, no paid holidays. Putting it in financial terms like this seems to be able to get through to even the most unreconstructed male.

I agree with Worra, i work full time and am a LP, but i get to relax in the evenings.

Perhaps you are setting the standards to high on how clean/tidy that you want the house? If so, i would knock off the housework abit and if your DH complains, then start talks again.

It depends of course how old your children are, your DH should be doing equal childcare duties.

WorraLiberty, Yes, you have only read my side, that is true.
But maybe the poster you refer to had a DS like mine....if so I see her point entirely. trying to get ANYTHING done in our house is impossible with him.
Today, for instance: I went upstairs to make the beds, so was gone no more than 5 mins. I left DS watching Milkshake, his favourite. I returned to find that he had weeed in the kitchen, removed all the washing from the machine, and had somehow managed to climb up onto the kitchen windowsill, get hold of his brothers Ipod and crack the screen, all in less than the time it takes to make 4 beds.
He is just one of those children who you cannot turn your back on at all. He has single handedly trashed our home. His 2 older siblings are fed up with him breaking all their belongings and so we have to use a stairgate still just to stop him getting up the stairs and into their rooms.
So, I do have some sympathy with this poster if she is in the same position. I also find it hard to do anything during the day whilst DS is at home.

MamaChoo I also calmly explained to DH during our talk that the "I earn the money" argument was completely unfair. But he does place an awful lot of importance on money.

How old are the DCs? Are they in childcare / school? Sounds like you have the youngest at home all day, couldn't you use some of DHs hard earned cash to get a couple of mornings at a nursery, then you'll get a break and everyone is happy(er)

We have 3 DCs aged 10, 5 and 3. Youngest goes to nursery every afternoon from 1pm to 4pm. sounds a long time, but as he is so into everything, I either do all the housework then, if I can, or treck round the supermarket. Whatever I choose to tackle, I only really get 2 hours as I have to leave the house at 2.50 in order to make sure I can pick up DD at 3.15 from school, so never actually get 3 full hours left to tackle house, IYSWIM.

How old are the DCs? Are the older ones at school? Does the little one have SN? If you are at home with one pre-school child, I'd have thought you could get stuff done during the day and then have the evenings to relax, no?

Sorry x post

No OP of course YANBU. I understand exactly what you mean and I think it is very unfair of your DH to say that because he goes out to work he is the only one who is entitled to relax in the evenings. Also, his relationship with his DCs will suffer if he does not spend time with them when he is home.

Having read your latest post, I think yabu. You can do the chores in two hours a day, and you only need to go to the supermarket once a week - or not at all if you shop online. Sounds like you need to get more organised, and then both you and DP can relax in the evenings.

He should pitch in at weekends though.

Hmmmm you have 2 hours a day free? Surely that's enough to do the housework?

Can't you do online shopping to free up some of that time?

Start shopping on the Internet. Ocado deliver up to every day (minimum spend £40) for £90 a year.

Get a cleaner and someone to iron

Get kids to make beds

He's unlikely to change, you can change

But if you have two hours a day - and I'm not suggesting that you should do housework in these two hours, but it sounds like you do - how much more is there to do? I think the must-dos are regular washing, cooking meals, (very) occasional ironing and hoovering once a week. I think a lot of women people spend time doing housework that is unnecessary.