We cannot agree on this obviously. AIBU?

[bjf1]

After reading through a lot of the Relationship threads on MN, I decided that I would have to have THE TALK with my DH.
I was very calm, so was he. We both put our own points across, and I, stupidly, felt that we had made a real breakthrough.
My gripe was that he did not participate enough, both with the DCs or the home. He argued that he went to work and earned the money and that he did not think it was fair that he should come home and start work againg.
I argued that, as a SAHM to 3 DCS, I did a lot of work too throughout the day, albeit not paid work.
He argued that he was entitled to relax in the evening. I argued that so was I, and it was always me that continued with the chores whilst he relaxed watching TV.
Anyway, I really thought we had cleared the air and that things would change. But they haven't. He has made no effort at all and I am still left doing chores until long after he has sat down for a relaxing evening.
AIBU to expect him to at least try to change his attitude or what?

OP, if you want to go back to work, then your DH will have to do his share of the domestic stuff - though I guess you could also employ a cleaner to reduce the burden on both of you.

I think it's reasonable for you to do the lion's share of the housework if you are a SAHM, but that doesn't mean he gets to opt out permanently.

Leave the shopping until Saturday....then make DH do it with the DC.

Then the housework....just clock off ffs. I do. 7.30 and I am clocked off...I don't give a rats arse if there are dishes in the sink...or the floor has marmalade and talc all over it...tough.

I will do it tomorrow. Your DH doesn't bring his work home and sit to do it does he? Save it. Do the clothes ready for the morning...sandwiches etc...and then STOP!

YANBU

The stuff that has to be done in the evening - dinner, washing up, putting the rubbish out - should definitely be split between you.

The way it is split in my house is one of us cooks dinner then does the bath while the other clears up and then comes up to do a story.

Then, you both relax. And don't do his books!

Sosick - I agree jealousy is a nasty trait. Nothing to do with this thread though is it?

OP YANBU. I have had the same conversation with my DH. He works from 9-5 in paid office work and I work from 7am until about 9pm.

This is not because I am not managing my time , it is because my 2yo is my priority in the day and even if I am on top of things, there is still lots to do in the evening that cannot be done in the day, such as bath kids and put them to bed, clear up after dinner, wash down dining table and sweep floor underneath ready for breakfast next day, load dishwasher and washing machine for overnight loads, feed cats, and do packed lunches.

Meanwhile, DH puts feet up as soon as he gets in and clocks off for the night.

He has improved after a few long talks though.

I think it's reasonable for you to do the lion's share of the housework if you are a SAHM, but that doesn't mean he gets to opt out permanently

I agree with that.

Also, I think once you're back to work you'll probably both understand what it's like for each other.

woah, hold up there. two things. you don't have any debit or credit card? why not? do you have a bank account? how do you access money?

And you aren't doing housework at night you are doing his bookkeeping? that can stop straight away. He does his own books while you fill in applications for training courses and jobs. So you can GET your own debit card.

The housework seems irrelevant really. there are bigger issues here.

Forgot to say in case it wasn't clear, I am SAHM so when I say "work" I don't mean paid work.

Agent - I do what I can in the day, probably squeezing in a couple of hours. Most of it is done in the evening, as the OP seems to, DCs in bed by 7pm gives a good 2hr window before I snatch some time for myself. Then a lot of the weekend is spent catching up, so it averages almost that. In truth I don't, and I wish my house were cleaner.

I think people may have different definitions of housework, though. Some people I know don't include cooking, which I certainly do.

attheendoftheday, I notice that you say "we" should be able to cope on 2 hours housework a day. In my case, there is no "we".

YANBU. Your DP is taking advantage and thinking its back to the 1950s and that you can be enslaved to the house. Two hours gets a lot done but some stuff needs to be done in the evening by its very nature ie., the evening meal and washing up. He should at the very least wash up after dinner. What a twunt, am fuming on your behalf. What, exactly, does he contribute to family life???

toddlers make a hell of a mess. takes longer to than an hour to tidy up when they have been in the house all day.

can I recommend a lawn rake and a snow shovel and a couple of toy boxes.

your maths is bad too. you get less than 2 hours to do housework whilst ds is at nursery. can you make lunches whilst ds is at nursery?

OMG, the very image of my DH in a supermarket with or without the DCs would leave me speechless. He has NEVER shopped for food in 12 years, with me or alone.

YANBU.

It may take you a few tries but don't be discouraged you didn't agree with each other first time around - you can negotiate and get there.

Something that worked for me is, write down every job that needs doing round the house - even small ones - and how often. For example, daily tasks might include making a packed lunch, or emptying the nappy bin, or wiping down the kitchen surfaces - whatever it is for you. Weekly tasks might include changing the bedding, hoovering, washing the kitchen floor, cleaning the loo, etc.

Once you have a sense of all the tasks there are to do, it may be he will realize how much you do (I say this because my DH did!).

That's bad bjf. Has ever looked after the DCs on his own?

OMG, the very image of my DH in a supermarket with or without the DCs would leave me speechless. He has NEVER shopped for food in 12 years, with me or alone

Dear Lord. If you've allowed yourself to be walked over for 12 years, why on earth do you think he's going to stop now?

There is way more to this it would seem OP.

What, exactly, does he contribute to family life???

Well, presumably he is earning the money that pays for a roof over their heads and food on the table? The OP and her DH may or may not have a fair division of labour in their house, but it seems pretty absurd to suggest that the WOH contributes nothing to family life.

I don't think it is possible to do housework in two hours a day if, as the OP is doing, housework includes shopping, cooking and cleaning up after meals.

Even putting aside housework, why would a father come in every night and not want to ever bath his children, or read them a story, or put them to bed?

Some of the answers on here are persuading me that work does indeed expand to fill the time available. How does anyone spend three hours a day on the school run?

That said, I agree that there seems to be more going on here than meets the eye. Why don't you have a credit card or debit card OP?

It doesn't sound that implausible. DD gets herself home now, but when she was younger, half an hour to walk to school and half an hour to walk back after dropping her off. Do that twice a day and the school run takes two hours. I don't think that is particularly unusual.

I agree with jinsei and worra - there is something more to this than meets the eye.

bjf1 I said that in my house we will spent less time than that on housework. I did not, and never will, tell you what you should do. That would be rude and presumptuous.

In case I was not clear before, I absolutely believe you are right to expect to work an equal number of hours to your partner. But if things are tough right now, maybe it would relieve some of the pressure to just do the vital housework during your childfree time, then clock off when your dh does in the evenings.

It doesn't sound that implausible. DD gets herself home now, but when she was younger, half an hour to walk to school and half an hour to walk back after dropping her off. Do that twice a day and the school run takes two hours. I don't think that is particularly unusual.

Fair enough. Most people around here go to their local schools, so rarely more than 10-15 mins walk. I am still at 3 hours on the school run. It takes me approximately 10-12 minutes to drop off or collect!

Just out of interest, how many hours per week do people spend on shopping & cooking?

I do my weekly shop while waiting for dd at her dance class, so it doesn't actually take any time out of my week, but I can easily finish in less than an hour. As for cooking, I tend to cook in batches and freeze it, so it really doesn't add up to a huge amount of time.