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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We cannot agree on this obviously. AIBU?

227 replies

bjf1 · 13/03/2012 21:16

After reading through a lot of the Relationship threads on MN, I decided that I would have to have THE TALK with my DH.
I was very calm, so was he. We both put our own points across, and I, stupidly, felt that we had made a real breakthrough.
My gripe was that he did not participate enough, both with the DCs or the home. He argued that he went to work and earned the money and that he did not think it was fair that he should come home and start work againg.
I argued that, as a SAHM to 3 DCS, I did a lot of work too throughout the day, albeit not paid work.
He argued that he was entitled to relax in the evening. I argued that so was I, and it was always me that continued with the chores whilst he relaxed watching TV.
Anyway, I really thought we had cleared the air and that things would change. But they haven't. He has made no effort at all and I am still left doing chores until long after he has sat down for a relaxing evening.
AIBU to expect him to at least try to change his attitude or what?

OP posts:
Original poster
bjf1 · 15/03/2012 12:38

I am definitely not helping him with this. He has eaten a lot of meals over the past few years, so he should have some idea of what we need. Of course, he's bound to forget some essential, like bread, but that is his problem. I have to go back when I forget something, so he will just have to sort it himself.
Of course, he might turn out to be better at the shopping than I amShock.
God, I hope so, then he can do it every weekGrin

OP posts:
LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 15/03/2012 12:38

I've just come across this thread...laughing out loud (there should be an acronym for that shouldn't there?) at 4 hours a day for basic hygiene...my house is lucky to get an hour a day from me to supplement the 3 hours done weekly by the cleaner.

My h used to have this same attitude, he worked long hours, granted, but when he was off (freelance) he did not pull his weight in the slightest. He is no longer living with us...

If you have very very high standards then I can see it could be unreasonable, but a list of things you would like him to do, or a rota for bedtimes seems ok to me. As to what you will do if he won't change, it all depends what you are willing to put up with!

Original poster
bjf1 · 15/03/2012 12:42

Also, tommorrow is dustbin day. Will tell him later today that this is now his job as they are too heavy for me to drag to the end of the driveway.
I may end up cutting my nose off to spite my face on this one, because if he forgets to do it, we are going to have a LOT of rubbish.
Still, he's got learn that they don't walk there by themselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
bjf1 · 15/03/2012 12:42

Think I may be on a power trip now!

OP posts:
LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 15/03/2012 12:44

Oh I've just read the bit about the bookkeeping - that happened with us as well. Before dc I did it for him for a couple of years, saving hime over £1000 a year in accountancy fees, then he moaned like hell (would bring it up for years and years) when I no longer did it and he had to learn to do it himself, or start paying again.

WestYorkshirePudding · 15/03/2012 12:56

Ok, now I feel bad about my earlier post Blush

OP, I honestly thought you meant that you wanted him to get in from work and start hoovering, doing the washing, etc. I didn't realise you meant he doesn't do anything to help with his own children! Shock

Hopefully you're new change in attitude will force him to get off his arse do his bit round the house as he might just realise that you won't be doing it otherwise. Fingers crossed for you!

CremeEggThief · 15/03/2012 13:10

Wow, that's brilliant, OP. You seem to have woken up a new person. Let us know how he gets on with the shopping and if he puts out the bins. Even if it's only a few things for now, it's going to feel so much better for you.
Really pleased for you :).

Hebiegebies · 15/03/2012 13:24

Fantastic, congrats

PostBellumBugsy · 15/03/2012 13:51

bfj1 - fantastic start. Do not weaken, no matter how provoked.

Reward DCs with compliments & hugs all the jobs well done & if they are not getting done - think of some penalties. So no TV time until jobs are done etc. If you give in, they'll know you don't mean it.

Original poster
bjf1 · 15/03/2012 14:15

My new mantra: must stay strong, must stay strong, must stay strong.

OP posts:
BiddyPop · 15/03/2012 15:40

Cheering here for you and hope that you stay strong and they all realise you MEAN BUSINESS!! Woohoo!!

kipperandtiger · 15/03/2012 17:31

Oh, bjf1, three cheers for you! I take off my hat to you - you've done really well for one day. With the chores - trust me, when your kids become responsible, helpful and self -sufficient adults, and their friends' parents say how impressed they are to see them doing it, you'll be so glad.
Yes, the bins should be your DH's job. President Obama used to do it. All the time. (but he needed a reminder too, allegedly). I presume he doesn't do it now because the number of security staff required to coordinate this would be a nightmare, not to mention the temptation for bombers to hide explosives in the bin.
That's a great suggestion getting your DH to do the internet shop. You too can log into his details (if he gives you his password and username) to add in any last minute items you need, in case they crop up. I bet he'll love playing with the website - "oh, I'm not surfing or chatting on FB/Twitter, I'm really doing the grocery shop!".....but at least he's doing it.

Well done and I wish you well!

ifeelloved · 15/03/2012 18:58

Bjf - well done. An a late comer to this thread and have veered between yanbu to yab a little u back to yasonbu!

You so need I go on strike, either that or start invoicing him or child are, cleaning, bookkeeping etc etc.

Stay strong, you may lose a few battles but you can win the war Grin

treadwarily · 15/03/2012 20:59

good for you OP. Just a wee warning, the kids will need daily reminders for a while until this becomes part of their routine. Don't give in to forgetfulness/resistance, stay strong and keep teaching them. good luck!

CremeEggThief · 16/03/2012 12:08

Hope your first day of your new regime is going well, OP.

Original poster
bjf1 · 16/03/2012 22:56

Let's just say it's going to take Baby steps.
The shopping bill made my eyes water and we have nowhere to put it all, but I suppose it takes time to teach an old dog new tricks.

OP posts:
kipperandtiger · 16/03/2012 23:41

Lol! That is a very typical male scenario. My DH: "hmmm, your grocery bill is a bit high (£76)". He goes to do the shopping. Bill: £109. He hopes I don't notice.

skybluepearl · 17/03/2012 08:11

In theory yes you could clean up for two hours each week day BUT you should at least have half an hour lunch break - although I'm sure your hubby has a whole hours lunch break.

Hold a meeting with the family. Sit down and discuss the problem and list all the jobs that you think they all need to do. List the jobs you do also. The let them make a rota and put it somewhere visible. You will need to constantly remind them to do their jobs for ages and they may put up some resistance but will get over it. Be strict and expalin they can only have an hours TV/computer/play station after the jobs are done.

We have made a few changes in our house and it has taken about two weeks or the kids and hubby to get fully in the swing. We have a five min tidy with all the kids about 8am - so beds are made, toys are away and the breakfast things are in the dishwasher. When my eldest two get in from school they immediatly make their own school lunch for the next day, get uniform out for the next day - along with music/sports stuff if needed. Just before tea they have to tidy up play things. At weekends the kids do a total of an hours worth of jobs - sweeping the floor, making beans on toast for lunch, hoovering, loading the dishwasher, sorting the laundry out and putting it away. We put music on and try and make it fun. We do everything as a team together as they prefer it that way. It's really quite important that they learn to look after themselves. It's a life lesson.

If hubby arrives home at 6 after a long commute he will read stories to the younger ones and then put them to bed. He will then empty the bin, do the recycling, unload the dish washer. We then sit down and have some time together. At weekends he shares most of the jobs with me.

skybluepearl · 17/03/2012 08:13

I think your 3 year old could benefit from learning to tidy up

Dustinthewind · 17/03/2012 08:25

If you plan on being a teacher, your organisational and management skills need a lot of work. Your OH is being a prat, I agree. How much do your older two children contribute to household jobs?

Dustinthewind · 17/03/2012 08:29

Just caught up on the thread after posting, you are definitely making an excellent start. Now you need to keep going and don't slide back as they all complain about their new responsibilities. Get earplugs so that you don't hear the snivelling and whinging of your reluctant family.
It's going to be hard work, but the end result is worth it.

treadwarily · 17/03/2012 08:32

I found myself thinking about you OP... it must be quite busy after school as your 5yo would need help with all homework and the 12yo, unsure, I haven't had a 12yo yet but I imagine the homework is a biggish load. And after school is always a busy time.

And yet if you were able to share this busy time with your dh, it could actually be quite nice and make you feel a lot closer as a couple.

I really hope you stick at your new regime and that things pick up for you. All the best.

biddysmama · 17/03/2012 08:53

my dh didnt actually realise what i did during the day, after i had ds2 i got mastitis,which his sil was hospitalised with so he was ordered by mil to send me to bed, i went to bed with the baby and he was left with (then) 8 year old with sn and an 18 month old and also looking after me, he had to take time off work and it was school holidays....... we also have a 5 week old (others are 18 months,3 yesterday and 10) and he says he goes to work for a break because my job is harder than his, he now does bath time, all the wasing up, ironing and does any little jobs so that i can have a bath,sit feeding the baby etc....maybe you should try that? Grin

Divorcedand2teenDDs · 17/03/2012 11:40

Well done - great start! Keep at it and although you might feel like they don't really deserve it, I'd encourage you to praise and thank DCs and DH for their efforts. Even if what they do is far from perfect, a little praise will encourage them to carry on and will create a more positive atmosphere at home. DON'T dwell on the fact that noone thanks and praises you! It's not fair but then life isn't and if doing this makes your life better then that's the whole point.
Good luck and don't be deterred by setbacks - this is a marathon not a sprint.

CremeEggThief · 17/03/2012 13:05

Babysteps is fine at the beginning, Op. Keep going! And make sure you take some time out for yourself tomorrow.