We cannot agree on this obviously. AIBU?

[bjf1]

After reading through a lot of the Relationship threads on MN, I decided that I would have to have THE TALK with my DH.
I was very calm, so was he. We both put our own points across, and I, stupidly, felt that we had made a real breakthrough.
My gripe was that he did not participate enough, both with the DCs or the home. He argued that he went to work and earned the money and that he did not think it was fair that he should come home and start work againg.
I argued that, as a SAHM to 3 DCS, I did a lot of work too throughout the day, albeit not paid work.
He argued that he was entitled to relax in the evening. I argued that so was I, and it was always me that continued with the chores whilst he relaxed watching TV.
Anyway, I really thought we had cleared the air and that things would change. But they haven't. He has made no effort at all and I am still left doing chores until long after he has sat down for a relaxing evening.
AIBU to expect him to at least try to change his attitude or what?

Whaaaat? He's a prick and he won't change, so spend money making children and servants help you out? Seriously?

I agree with the others who say that when he sits down you sit down. Leave whatever isn't done, and if he complains tell him you are both home so you are both responsible, if it bothers him he will need to do it himself.

I understand what you're saying about not being able to get much done - my DS is a lovely little monkey but I struggle to get much housework done because he is guaranteed to get himself wedged under the chest of drawers or to be half way up the bookshelf if I leave him alone for too long. Plus, I don't think it's fair to expect such an energetic little boy to sit in front of the tv all day just so I can do housework when the housework can easily be done by DH and I in the evening and weekends. I get as much as I can done, then I go out with DS. I don't stay at home so he can be ignored.

The lady who cleans my house is my friend not a servant

I get a clean house, she gets to live off her earnings not the state

We have a chat over coffee

Why shoud a ten year old not un load dishwasher, hang up their clothes etc?

"I also find it hard to do anything during the day whilst DS is at home."

It's ok OP, most people who have a normal toddler will find the same. There are a few people on here who either sat their toddlers in a playpen all day or whose children went from 1 to 5 in 30 seconds who appear to be unaware of the fact that it is physically dangerous to ignore a toddler while doing housework all day. I wonder why they think people pay childminders rather than just leave their angelic, highly responsible toddlers home where they could be trusted not to put themselves in the washing machine and the cat in the toilet, but I suppose I will never know...

YABU. You have 2 hours free time a day to get your housework done. If you can't manage it, you either need to do less or work out where you are being inefficient. Or you have to work out a better strategy for managing your youngest so you can get more done with him around.

Perhaps your husband would be happier to do something with your DCs for a couple of hours at the weekend whilst you get on with your chores?

Maybe the issue is not so much the housework but the stress from your youngest kid? I agree with all the tips about online shipping and also the need to stop in the evenings like you DH.... But it sounds like until the 3 year old learns boundaries the problem stays.
How is he in nursery? As bad? Can they help you With his behavior at home or the other way round are they more relaxed and you need to give them clear guidelines? Does you DH help with the kids in the evening and how us youngest with him?

BTW OP I can totally see how two hours a day isn't enough to get housework done. If you're trying to eat your lunch, tidy up after said lunch and breakfast, hang out washing, put away other washing, do online banking, etc 2 hours goes by very very fast. I also came under attack recently when I said I expected my DH to empty the bins. Apparently I was expecting too much, and doing too much housework. In actual fact I just do the bare minimum to keep the house running, which adds up to an awful lot when you have a whirlwind toddler who doesn't give you a minute's peace.

Internet shopping requires a debit/credit card, doesn't it? I don't have one.
Yes, the basic housework can be done in 2 hours but I always have to organise all the meals, DH never cooks. I wash pots after dinner, bath DCs, make up all packed lunces, sort out clothes for everyone for next day, put out all rubbish, make snacks in the evening for DCs, do bedtimes plus stories, and if they wander downstairs for drinks, etc, it's me who has to sort them out.
I also do a lot of voluntary work for Ds's nursery, which DH resents as it involves no pay, but gives me something outside the family. Oh, and I do all my DH's bookwork as he is self employed, so this usually takes place in the evening too as I am, as has been pointed out to me on this thread, not organised enough.

so it seems I Am unreasonable and should just suck it up.

um. Do people really think 2hrs is enough in a day to do housework? 4 would be nearer the mark here, just to pass muster on basic hygiene grounds. I think it is really insulting to the OP to tell her she should be more organised. A lot of things can only be done in the evenings anyhow;

cleaning DCs filthy school shoes
the washing up from dinner
sorting the bathroom after DCs have finished for the evening
sorting school bags for the next day
pre-cooking meals so that the next dinner isn't a rushed mess
... my list goes on a lot further, but you get the picture.

I personally would find it hard to simply not do the work and sit down, as some have suggested. If a messy/dirty house and disorganised grumpy kids stress/depress her at all this is not the way to go. She will break before he does.

No, it turned out the poster in question just spent a lot of time at playgroups/parent and toddler.

I feel for you if you have a 3yr old with such awful behavioural issues, but could you not have taken him upstairs with you to help you make the beds or at least stay in the room with you?

Then there's internet shopping.

I'm not 'getting' at you by the way or excusing your DH's behaviour by the way...just thinking of some ways to free up more of your time.

Going back to your DH though, he must think that at some point during the day you get to relax and do your own thing?

oops - cross posted with OP!!

No you should not suck it up OP. In your shoes I would stop doing the books for your DH. Tell him either he does the household jobs in the evening while you do the books or the books don't get done at all.

While I agree that doing anything with toddlers around is hard, you do have time without DCs to watch so maybe you're asking too much of yourself or not using time efficiently. Work out what you are going to do with each 15 minute block, and make sure one block is some time for yourself.

When DS is home try to make chores fun. Give him a pillowcase to play with, or try to build a tower with pillows while you make the bed?

Having said all that your DH sounds a miserable git. Give him a specific area of responsibility and leave him to it. For my DH it's loading dishwasher before bed and doing ALL the ironing

Hmm, bit of drip feeding about DH's bookkeeping. You didn't mention that earlier.

Sorry X posted!

In that case he really should be helping you with the kids, particularly on the discipline front as there's no way they should be wandering downstairs once they've been put to bed.

The lady who cleans your house is not your friend. You pay her for services rendered, she does them for the money.

Sure a ten year old can load a dishwasher. So too can a grown man.

Sorry x-post (page wouldn't load). If you are working for his business in the evening then he can help around the house and see to his kids. YANBU.

Sosick - Yes - I really think that 2 hours is plenty of time, purely on the basis that over the course of a week it is 5 hours longer than I have.

Sorry, but I disagree that you need 4 concentrated hours per day to do housework - unless you live in a mansion.

However, if the OP is assisting the DH in the running of his business, then he needs to pitch in with the housework.

Sorry, did not mean to come over as defensive.
I have managed this situation for the last few years, but really need DH to be more supportive now.
DC3 starts school in september and I really want to get back into work.
I want to use my degree for teacher training but realise the amount of work needed and do not honestly think I can count on the support of my DH to take up the slack. I have this image of drowning in takeaway boxes whilst DH sits watching TV.

Your dh is a prick for saying he's entitled to relax, and doubly a prick for relaxing while you're working.

That said, I think 2 hours a day is plenty of time for housework though I am a slattern. Dp and I will both be working fulltime from Monday and I think we can manage on significantly less than 2 hours a day!

Is the problem that you hve much higher standards for the house than your dh? If your asking him to scrub the skirting boards or dust the cat or something, then I can see why he might refuse. Assuming you're doing normal sane things, then YANBU.

Librarian - I really think it depends upon your set up. We have no idea how big the OPs house is, for a start, which would make a big difference. And simply because you have less time available than she has is no reason to be so mean about it. Jealousy is nasty trait. I stand by my 4 hr minimum for basic hygiene in my house (small 3 bed terrace, no dishwasher, no tumble dryer and whirlwing DS, 2 and DD, 4.

*whirlwind

I would put in a wage claim for the book work, personally.

Is there a particular reason you don't have a debit card? Do you have access to money or does your husband hold the purse strings? If the latter, are you happy with this? I certainly wouldn't be.

Four hours a day?! how do you physically fit it in?