AIBU to take my 1 year old DS to the other side of the world to fulfill my husband's dream?

[ODearMe]

A bit of background first. Been together with DH for 12 years. Early on in our relationship, he had a very serious car crash (he was hit by drunk driver) from which he was lucky to recover from. I suppose this is relevant because since then he developed a live fast approach to life and a love for travel and one particular country - Australia.

Before DS was born, we spent an amazing 6 months travelling around Australia, and DH unveiled his dream of wanting to spend a period of time there in the future, maybe 2 years or so (but I am pretty sure this would be with a view to showing me a 'better life' and encouraging a decision to emmigrate).

The real issue is this is DH's dream, not mine. I am perfectly satisfied with my life. I have AMAZING family and friends; I love where we live; I like my job! If I were to live here for the rest of my life I would be happy. My DH cannot wait to live somewhere the sun shines more frequently, experience the outdoor lifestyle and just do something a bit different for a while to have an exciting new chapter in our lives. He is adventure epitomised. He does not want to live in the Uk for the rest of his life.

However, I feel if I do not do this for DH it will come back and bite me in the bum 20 years later. This Oz itch he has will not go away and he talks about it every day. I have to admit it has worn me down and I have decided to go as a compromise for 2 years only. I am quite wobbly about it - it is a big ask after all!

I know this is not a big problem to have compared to many others on here, but do you think I am being unreasonable to uproot myself and my son from our happy lives for DH and when I am not 100% sure it is the right thing to do myself? Besides, we are a partnership and why should my preferred way of life be the path we take for the rest of our lives? Would appreciate hearing from anyone else who has been in a similar situation. Thanks for reading.

The question was... do you think I am being unreasonable to uproot myself and my son from our happy lives for DH and when I am not 100% sure it is the right thing to do myself? ... Would appreciate hearing from anyone else who has been in a similar situation.

I moved away from the UK to France for DH's job. I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. The initial timeline was two years. I was keen for adventure.

Almost 20 years and 3DCs later, we are still here. I love the food and the weather. I miss English-language newspapers and English humour. I appreciate the things that are better and have got used to doing without the things that I miss.

There are two things I have learned from my experience that are particularly relevant to share, given your question:

1. I have friends and acquaintances here, but I don't have many close friends; my family are further away. What I missed most when the children were small was that there was noone close by that I could turn to if there was - for example - an emergency or if something unexpected happened. I have come to feel that having family and long-term friends close by and being part of a community since childhood are valuable and underrated aspects of quality of life.

1. There is something valuable about going somewhere else - at least for a short while. I have knowledge and perspectives that I wouldn't otherwise have, had I not moved abroad. This is one of the benefits of going abroad.

OP, if you were to say - for example - that you wanted to move abroad for a job/house/another child, I would understand why you might be willing to give up your friends and support network. But to give up what you have for your DHs "dream"? Are you sure that is what you want to do?

But she's not being asked to give them up - just take a break from them for a couple of years. It's soooo different! I got back after 5 years away and within a month it was as if I had never left. Coming back to everything that was so much the same as when I left was one of the negatives for me (I like change).

But she would be giving up work bubbaluv, maybe for longer than 2 years if she has another DC while away. And there is a question about whether her DH will shift the goalposts about returning, also whether, if he does, she will legally have the option of returning with the DC without him.

The legal aspect is one I totally understand and I guess only the OP can know what her relationship is like on that front. I would trust my husband 100% but I know not all relationships are as secure.

On the work front - she could work in Aus if she wanted to and was concerned about taking an extended break. It's also a great way to meet new people quickly. There's very little unemployment in Aus, so she should be able to find work in most fields.

Being a 24 hour flight away would be giving her support network up for two years. Not to mention her job, and mum being able to watch the children grow up.

Sure, Bubbaluv it would be all there if she came back after two years - and I do agree that it is possible to fit right back in as you did. But it sounds as though the DH might want to stay longer. Once she got settled in, it could be hard to up-root again.

She's also being asked to give up her support network when it is most valuable to her.

Bringing up small children without family support close at hand creates extra pressures.

Also, being away for the years when her child is so small with have a significant impact on his relationship with his grandparents.

I would not be prepared to move my small children thousands of miles away from grandparents they adored for an "adventure" that would mean nothing to them.

I think you have to really buy into the idea that what men want matters most, and that their family should willingly trail after them, regardless of costs to the rest of them, to think this plan is something they should "go for".

Asking the DH here to postpone his dream until a Moore propitious time for the family denies him significantly less than than the OP will lose if she goes along with this plan.

Brilliant post Trix. There is no mention of DH's family in the OP - does he not have any or is he not close to them? One thing I have learned from living abroad is that you both have to be singing from the same hymn sheet. When you uproot yourself and move away from family and friends you (the immediate family unit) have to become your own support network. I think you both have to be enthusiastic and up for the adventure and ready to make the best of it - as Trix says: "I appreciate the things that are better and have got used to doing without the things that I miss."I think the real worry stems from "but I am pretty sure this would be with a view to showing me a 'better life' and encouraging a decision to emigrate". Two years is one thing, but I'm not sure how you could ensure it would be just that. You are not going on holiday you are talking about making a life there for two years and that is much harder to unpick when the time comes unless you have a job to come back to in the UK.

Thanks, Lillian

The major concern for me now would be the worst case scenario of the OP moving, things going wrong with the marriage but her then being trapped in the new location because her DH won't move back and refuses to let their DS go back. That is a risk that has to be taken seriously and managed.

That is the scenario that happened to a friend of mine who decided to leave her XDH.. A local lawyer told her that if she went back to her country with the children and without the consent of the DH, it would be classed as an international kidnapping. The divorce was expensive and messy and she has to stay local.

So does anyone know what the time limit is for living in Aus then without having established your kids as permanent residents there? It seems that if the OP knows that it might be wise to make any visit shorter than that length of time, with a clear intention to review their plans then. Also, it might be easier to request an career break from work for a short period as the notion that you would come back'll seem more convincing.

This is hard because it's not your dream it's his. Any compromise that doesn't diminish your opportunities when you get back would be the way to go.

Eightieschick - I don't know the answer to your question but it would probably depend on what type of visa they go out on - if it's only a temporary working visa then the rule probably doesn't apply. I'm sure there is an Australian-based lawyer on these boards; can't remember who it is though!
This should have been placed in Living Overseas - might have picked up whoever it is.

Time limit on a temporary working visa is generally a maximum of four years, after two years (under most circumstances) you can then apply for permanent residency.

I have read this whole thread with interest, you've had some very good advice already. I am married to an aussie who moved over here to be with me as I had two children, we have spent some time over there and it is obviously a topic that comes up quite regularly. I have travelled to and stayed in for quite extended periods, other parts of the World. Whilst I appreciate that I have only seen a small part of Australia I wouldn't move there, ever.
Yes, it's beautiful, yes, it's very clean and all of the other good things. But anyone that thinks it is like England in the sun is mistaken. Australians, I have found are very friendly until they find out you are English. The sun is nice for a while but wears you down very quickly. I think I would spend most days hiding in the air con and coming out at night. I imagine jumping from an air con car to air con shopping malls and spending very little time outdoors. I am not fair, with a spanish father I tan very easily and I burnt for the first time in my life over there, ouch!
I have also spent the last few years watching my husband have skin cancers burnt off various parts of his body on a regular basis.
I have friends who recently moved out there and despite him earning an extremely good wage they have found the cost of living extortionate and she has had to return to work. Being broke is not so bad when you have your family close by but in a strange place without at least an old friend to have close I would imagine it is pretty horrid.

Compared to other countries, I would be bored. Sorry if this offends any aussies - your Country is beautiful but the modern leaves me cold and there are only so many times you can say ' look a nice beach'.
That aside, the emotional wrench would be heart breaking. I can't imagine growing up without Grandparents. Your DH may have a dream but at what cost? We struggle here in the UK with the children when they are sick without much extended family but none?
My MIL in Australia passed away last year and the only person we could afford to send over was my husband. My girls are five and during that time we could never afford to take them to meet her. The flights for 6 would have been almost £5,000.
How would you feel if you had another baby and one of your parents passed away without seeing them. How would you feel about not having them there to share in the precious times that you can't get back.
Adventure is all very well, I get the 'try it once' ethos, truly I do. But the older I get the more I realise that nothing on this earth, no sunset, no standard of living or no dream can replace a family and the shared memories.

Wish you luck with your decision!

I just wanted to update you - I have had a long chat with DH this evening and we have agreed to apply for the VISA and then go to Oz when DS is 5 or 6.This way, he will also get something out of the experience.

In the meantime, we will have another baby in the UK and enjoy the love and support of our family and friends. It is not ideal as it will clash with DS's schooling but this is the best compromise I can offer DH. I just do not feel ready to go as soon as next year.

I would like to say thank you all again for your advice, it has all been invaluable and reading the thread and getting objective advice from people who don't know me brought it to my attention that I am really not ready to do it - yet. Thank you all. All the best x

:)

That sounds like a good compromise. Best of luck.

Glad you have it sorted-good luck!

best of luck :)

Great compromise - I hope it works out well.