AIBU to take my 1 year old DS to the other side of the world to fulfill my husband's dream?

[ODearMe]

A bit of background first. Been together with DH for 12 years. Early on in our relationship, he had a very serious car crash (he was hit by drunk driver) from which he was lucky to recover from. I suppose this is relevant because since then he developed a live fast approach to life and a love for travel and one particular country - Australia.

Before DS was born, we spent an amazing 6 months travelling around Australia, and DH unveiled his dream of wanting to spend a period of time there in the future, maybe 2 years or so (but I am pretty sure this would be with a view to showing me a 'better life' and encouraging a decision to emmigrate).

The real issue is this is DH's dream, not mine. I am perfectly satisfied with my life. I have AMAZING family and friends; I love where we live; I like my job! If I were to live here for the rest of my life I would be happy. My DH cannot wait to live somewhere the sun shines more frequently, experience the outdoor lifestyle and just do something a bit different for a while to have an exciting new chapter in our lives. He is adventure epitomised. He does not want to live in the Uk for the rest of his life.

However, I feel if I do not do this for DH it will come back and bite me in the bum 20 years later. This Oz itch he has will not go away and he talks about it every day. I have to admit it has worn me down and I have decided to go as a compromise for 2 years only. I am quite wobbly about it - it is a big ask after all!

I know this is not a big problem to have compared to many others on here, but do you think I am being unreasonable to uproot myself and my son from our happy lives for DH and when I am not 100% sure it is the right thing to do myself? Besides, we are a partnership and why should my preferred way of life be the path we take for the rest of our lives? Would appreciate hearing from anyone else who has been in a similar situation. Thanks for reading.

I would urge caution actually. In two years time if you come back then you might find that your friends have moved on, are in different friendship groups, have got used to not having you around and you may not be able to slip back into your old life as if nothing had happened. Even your family will get used to you not being here any more so may not be available the way you may want when you come back home again.

Also, what about jobs? Have you got anything lined up in Oz yet, and will you be able to go back to your old jobs here when you come back?

It is surely a wonderful dream, but as you pointed out, it is not your dream. You have already spent 6 months out there with him, so you have not stopped him from visiting the country that he is so interested in. The problem is that now he wants you to make a massive lifestyle change on the back of a dream you are lukewarm to. I don't believe that is fair.

Most people have dreams of things they would like to do in their lives. But you can't go around insisting your partner & children take on the consequences of living your dream. A compromise would maybe be 6 months over there, but you have already done that. Sorry to seem to be putting a damper on it, I speak as someone who lived abroad in my 20's, it was great but then I was single. My DH would not be happy abroad so I would never suggest it now.

Was in a similar position tbh - dh well up for it, me scared to bits, dd was 3 months old and the visas came through!! Aaaargh I thought, why did immigration have to be so quick with us lol!

We've been here since 2009 and generally love it. The lifestyle IS excellent and a lot less focused on what you have but what you do with yourself. We lived in Adelaide for a year as that was the best option job wise for me as I needed a kind of internship for 8 weeks which was a bit difficult to sort initially. Our real area was east coast nsw where we had travelled years ago. Moved exactly a year later and very happy.

Definitely set a two year timescale. It gives you a deadline if you really really can't stand it, but also an opportunity to 'go through' a couple of kids birthdays, Xmas etc which can be hardest in terms of homesickness. Get Skype and make sure everyone important to you can use it. Go to your parents house, buy them a laptop and ensure they can use it. My dd had no problems when any of her grandparents arrived for holidays, she totally recognised them and was comfortable.

Will you be permanent resident visas? This makes a big difference in terms of cost of living as you'll get more govt assistance. We get 50% of our childcare costs rebated, approx $500 per quarter rebated for what they call 'out of pocket' childcare costs, as they want people to work! And we earn about $90k a year between us, me ft hubby pt so good balance for us. We also get family allowance but that comes annually and still have worked out how they calculate it!! Look at the Centrelink website. Do either of you have serious ongoing medical probs? That will be private if you don't have Medicare (Nhs) entitlements. Trains and public transport heaps cheaper. Entertaining yourselves cheaper . Houses not cheap to buy, but rental which I guess you'd be doing is definitely good value. We rent a lovely 4 bed, 2 family rooms etc on 2 acres for $ 350 pw were in a bit more rural area but 2 mins to beach. Adelaide house was same cost and similar layout just a bit older and not on acreage in a city! If your jobs permit you to live a bit outside the city you'll be thrilled with the standard if housing.

Come and give it a go!!

Onehandflapping - I said exactly the same thing to my husband about the outdoor life in the Uk and he replied 'yes, we will go and have a bbq next to the beach in the rain". He does have a point. The weather does restrict somewhat in the UK.

AThingInYourLife - you are right, close friends and family are what make life great. I couldnt give a monkeys about living in the sunshine. I have always wondered how DH will fare if we bite the bullet and go. I reckon the novelty will wear off quickly for him and he will miss home. I hope being so far away will make him realise how lucky we are to have what we have back home. Yes I would like another child in a couple of years. Career-wise my husband will progress and be paid well for what he does. His job is sought after. I currently work PT and would have to jack it in. I would do hopefully do something of a similar nature out there pt if I could.

I would say, can you get a transfer with work now? Can you line up jobs before you go?

Also, set a 6 month then 1 year review (not 2 years, that's a very long time!) and if you aren't happy, then the deal is you come back, even if he loves it.

Budget for 2 flights home a year, remember that your DS will be free before turning 2, but after that you'll have to pay for a seat for him too.

Word of causion, I do have friends who have upsticks and moved abroad for sunny locations, they have found it much harder to live somewhere rather than to holiday in the same place, it's not just about travelling around and being a tourist, but getting to work, doing the commute, making new friends and networks. But also learning the new cultural rules, (even in an English speaking country) people assume a lot of knowledge, it's tiring to have to 'relearn' how society works so you don't offend anyone.

Some excellent advice here (though I now can't find the post that listed all the really helpful stuff) so just adding a couple of thoughts:

Are you still in touch with any of the people you met there? It's much easier if you have any kind of local support.
I have family in Australia who we went out to visit a few of months ago and a couple who they knew from the UK were just going out for a 2 year stint. Their plan was to be back by the time their DD was going to school. That might work for you.
Can you formally request a career break? For some jobs you can take 1 or even 2 years away, without pay, but know you have a job to come back to. That also might be worth looking into if you love your job.
Are you currently well supported by your families for childcare etc? The difference will really show if so.
On the darker side - if he is so committed to this, you do have to consider the possibility that if you go and he loves it, he may not want to come back regardless of what you say. What are your underlying feelings telling you about that? You also might want to consider what the custody/residence implications would be if the absolute worst happens. But you know your marriage /DH best and can make the risk assessment on that score.

AThingInYourLife totally agree about the discounting of family/friends. The 'quality of life' line always trotted out on Wanted Down Under has some validity and there is lots that is great about Australia, but I can't see how you can make a judgement about 'quality of life' without seeing that leaving family and friends behind permanently is itself going to impact on that massively. The prog hugely underestimates this IMO.

If you chose to do it, which sounds great, what about having a serious conversation with your DH, with the support of an outside person - a close friend, a relationship counselor or somebody similar? You need to make sure he has heard you. You may be telling him you are ok with trying it for 2 years, but he might be hearing something totally different, like: maybe this is the start of a long term move.

Moving countries is a stressful experience, but worth it in my opinion, even for the short term value. However, you need to make sure you are both on the same wavelength and do not have different agendas, or your relationship will suffer, and it will make everything much harder to deal with.

I can't comment on Australia, but I can tell you that I was in exactly the same position as you, where the move was my husband's dream and not mine. My DD turned 1 just before we moved abroad. Initially I was belligerent in trying to come up with reasons why we shouldn't go (same as yours, mainly), but given the promise of "2 years, 3 at the most" I thought I might as well embrace it.

Fast forward to 2 years later and I was absolutely devastated at having to leave my newly-adopted country when the time came for us to return to the UK, to the extent that 15 years later I still get homesick for it.

It was the most amazing, happy time of my life. You never know...

Go for it. You can always come home if you don't like it.

Loving what Spamm said about the third person being privvy to the conversation to set it in stone a bit more as two years. And yes - Whitesandsofluskentyre, it could turn out it works out and we do not want to come home! I think DH really hopes that is what is going to happen!

go for it but know it probably means you wont see your friends and family again or if your lucky every 5 years, which means dd will grow up with out any of his family

travelling to oz is very expensive and also the flight is very long and grueling

and people say oh if you don't like it just come back to be honest in terms of jobs the uk is not that fab so it wont be easy and the benefit system is a very different animal now so think long and hard personally i think a lot of people romance australia.

but if money wise coming back wont be a issue if you dont like it then fab

Feel sorry for your mum

Just one question: What sort of outdoor life does your dh (and you) enjoy now?

Do you grab every opportunity to go for mountain hikes?
Do you grab every opportunity to spontaneously seek out a beach for bbq?
Do you enjoy mountain biking?
Rambling?

etc?

If you dont do any of the above, I fear he has aspirations above his abilities and is all talk.

Since moving back to London from Norway, where despite enjoying arctic weather conditions we had a fantastic outdoors life, winter and summer, even bbq in the snow after cross country skiing trips, we go out of London for hikes every other weekend. We cycle in Richmond park several times per week. I honestly dont see that the weather is stopping us from doing anything. Yes, hiking in the south down in rain is a bit muddy, but come on, it is an adventure!

I think that blaming the weather is quite pathetic.

Unless your dh is a really outdoors person who run up and down mountains whatever the weather, he might have a hard time when he gets to Oz. You cant move away from yourself, as little as you can expect to become someone else if you move.

I would agree to it for 2 years and do it before the DC is 5yrs. I wouldn't do longer than that and make sure that he knows it is a fixed term and that you have your life here to come back to.

Silverbay - that will be a new thread altogether about my mum once i am ok with the decision to go. I am very close with my mum and she will be devastated. I see her most days and she is besotted with her grandson. I have broached the subject and she cried and cried and said my DH was taking her daughter and grandson away. Nothing has been said about it since and I havent mentioned about the VISA because I do not want her to be upset for any longer than she needs to be until it is official. I know she is going to make life very difficult if we choose to go. But it isn't fair if I am put in the position to choose between my mum or my husband!

My ex was desperate to emigrate, I was willing for a defined period but he could not reach the compromise. Many years after we have divorced he is still in this country and as miserable as he ever was.
He blamed me for him not going but I never stopped his wander lust, supported his travel and went without so he could afford too.
If you want to stay in the relationship go, he will resent you as mine did in the end. The choice is yours to make as his wishes are clear, you must decide how much you are prepared to compromise and get a definite answer how much he is prepared too as well.

So sorry for you, their wander lust is a shite thing to compete with.

Quintessentially - I totally see where you are coming from and it is a very valid point. Your time in Norway sounds like it was a lot of fun by the way! DH does not mind the cold so long as it is not raining. He is quite outdoorsy - he goes fishing, mountain biking with friends, we enjoy long walk in the countryside. He wouldnt choose to do any of those things in the rain - he hates the rain!

Fallenpetal, that is a very sad story, especially as you were so supportive of him. I do not understand why it all had to end and why he resented you when you did say you would go for a defined period? Did you go at all? Do you have children?

I can't tell you how many barbecues were ruined when I lived in Melbourne by total fire bans (which happen on hot windy days, of which there are many!) I am from there by the way.

Its a great city though and though pricey at the mo, its worth a try if you like hot weather and flies. Obviously there's more to it than that though, but its relentless in summer, it really is stiflingly hot which is great if you are sitting by the pool (and have one?) with a glass of wine but when you are doing the school run and the steering wheel burns your hands and the car is like an oven and you are just hot, sticky, and pissed off, it gets kinda old. My favourite season there is winter! I have to say the "in between" seasons are very good though - their spring and autumn can be like the nicer days of a British summer and the drought is over now too.

Go for it...I'm settled here now as you can probably tell but its still a great place.

It would have to depend on a number of things for me.

Would your career be effected long term, could you easily make friends ( I struggle to make friends) would I be happy there and also the contact with family and friends

Actually, when I said 'budget for 2 flights a year' could you budget for one set of flights a year for you, and one set for your mum? Make sure your DH factors in your mum staying for extended periods, can you afford to rent a place with a guest room?

Price it up effectively, not just the 'getting by', you need to be able to afford a good lifestyle, or else what's the point in going?

(Also, have you looked at sunny places that are closer to home? Spain? Italy? Gibraltar? seems a long way to go)

But surely he wouldn't want to do those things in 35degree plus heat?

Yes, there may be less rain. But the heat of the summer can be unrelenting and limiting. I have friend who have gone to Perth, she's a Perth native and he's from uk. They've lived there for 6 years now and the summers still get to him (and to her as well, fair skinned Aussie with skin cancer scare in past).

Odear me - your situation sounds exactly like mine! My DP is obsessed with Australia and that wanted down under programme. We went travelling there before DD was born for 6 weeks and despite enjoying the holiday I wasn't that taken with Australia TBH so it is an issue in our relationship. However I just don't want to move there - i'm not an outdoorsey person and hate the beach so I suppose you have to ask yourself what you want. If you think you would enjoy the lifestyle and can set boundaries for length of time etc- do try it but if you are like me and feel the lifestyle is just not you then it may be more difficult.

No other advise as I am in the same situation myself.

Why is your dream less important than his?