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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to take my 1 year old DS to the other side of the world to fulfill my husband's dream?

197 replies

ODearMe · 12/03/2012 09:30

A bit of background first. Been together with DH for 12 years. Early on in our relationship, he had a very serious car crash (he was hit by drunk driver) from which he was lucky to recover from. I suppose this is relevant because since then he developed a live fast approach to life and a love for travel and one particular country - Australia.

Before DS was born, we spent an amazing 6 months travelling around Australia, and DH unveiled his dream of wanting to spend a period of time there in the future, maybe 2 years or so (but I am pretty sure this would be with a view to showing me a 'better life' and encouraging a decision to emmigrate).

The real issue is this is DH's dream, not mine. I am perfectly satisfied with my life. I have AMAZING family and friends; I love where we live; I like my job! If I were to live here for the rest of my life I would be happy. My DH cannot wait to live somewhere the sun shines more frequently, experience the outdoor lifestyle and just do something a bit different for a while to have an exciting new chapter in our lives. He is adventure epitomised. He does not want to live in the Uk for the rest of his life.

However, I feel if I do not do this for DH it will come back and bite me in the bum 20 years later. This Oz itch he has will not go away and he talks about it every day. I have to admit it has worn me down and I have decided to go as a compromise for 2 years only. I am quite wobbly about it - it is a big ask after all!

I know this is not a big problem to have compared to many others on here, but do you think I am being unreasonable to uproot myself and my son from our happy lives for DH and when I am not 100% sure it is the right thing to do myself? Besides, we are a partnership and why should my preferred way of life be the path we take for the rest of our lives? Would appreciate hearing from anyone else who has been in a similar situation. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
alorsmum · 13/03/2012 07:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorkingClassMum · 13/03/2012 07:16

Australia is only as surburban as the person with a limited imagination wants it to be.

Bonsoir · 13/03/2012 07:22

PingPongPom - it sounds to me as if you and your DH have very different lifestyle preferences. Maybe it's time to call it a day...?

Bonsoir · 13/03/2012 07:24

"Australia is only as surburban as the person with a limited imagination wants it to be."

Oh come on, Australia has many advantages but cultural life is very limited. When I went to Australia I was staying with very well-off and highly cultured family in an affluent part of Sydney but it was nonetheless stultifyingly limited compared to London or Paris when it came to culture.

PingPongPom · 13/03/2012 07:38

Bubbaluv IME the English climate is much more conducive to getting out in the fresh air. Yes it doesn't get as cold in Australia but it's easier to wrap up warm and go out in the cold than it is to be comfortable outside in temps of 35c +. I found that in the last 2 summers we were in Melbourne it was either hot and humid or hot and raining. Neither pleasant for going about outside. Now we're back in England i'm finding i'm outside a lot more!

People often forget that heat can be quite unpleasant unless you're into watersports! I'd far rather play team sports/run about in temps less than 10c than i would in temps over 30!

imnotmymum · 13/03/2012 07:41

wow alorsmum what if they actually love it and want to stay... breach of contract ???

PingPongPom · 13/03/2012 07:44

Bonsoir possibly, and i've never posted our story on relationships as i know the overwhelming response would be 'leave the bastard'. but not that simple when we have DC :( I don't want to bring them up on my own here when he is on the other side of the world.

There's a lot more to our story and i'm going over the options. I'm a realist, and ultimately i still love my DH more than i care where we live. Australia worked for us before and I'll make it work again but i am putting different rules in place this time that will enable me to make yearly trips home with the DC.

Unbeliever · 13/03/2012 08:00

I encouraged my daughterand her husband to emigrate to New Zealand and they have a wonderful life there. I think the parents who weep and beg their children not to go are very selfish.
The climate where they live, near Nelson, is lovely. They have mountains, rivers, lakes, forests, and beautiful beaches.
I am going to join them in a few years.

echt · 13/03/2012 08:17

Workingclassmum hit the nail on the head, IME, when it comes to attitudes about suburbia. What I see here is a real engagement with culture, precisely because Australia is so often sidelined when it comes to exhibitions, etc. Chances to see art, a band, opera, orchestra are taken up with enthusiasm. I go to far more events now in Melbourne than I did in London, where it's easy to wallow in a soup of "culture" without actually doing anything about it.

I can't remember when the last ever I went to wasn't sold out

I'm finding it hard to equate bonsoir's "stultifying" with Australian culture, were your mates really dull-minded, foolish and ridiculous as a consequence of living Sydneyside?.:)

I agree with Bubbaluv about the generally more pleasant climate being conducive to going out. Even in winter, the skies are mostly clear (except last year which by common consent, was English in its greyness). It all goes to show that coming here for the weather is not a good reason.

TubbyDuffs · 13/03/2012 08:18

When we decided to move away from the UK, we did it on the understanding that we would give it a year and if after that year either of us was unhappy, then we would return to the UK. We didn't sell our property and still own in the UK, so have never totally burnt our bridges.

Luckily, 4 years on, we are still very happy to be where we are (not Australia).

We had a 3 year old and a 1 year old at the time (we have had dc3 since living here).

We always said that it would either be the best thing we ever did or a bloody long holiday! Turns out it was the best thing.

Two years will fly by! Good luck.

missmartha · 13/03/2012 08:31

I have done this, but when I was single as my family moved to Oz and a better life. (in their dreams)

Holidays there are fine, The beach and outback perfect for visiting, but living there I found impossible.

Unless you want to work on a sheep station or something you'll probably end up in a city and beyond the city centers, they are truly dire.

Sydney has a population of about 2 million I think, so fairly small, but the second largest spread of city in the world.

It can take a day to travel from north to south Sydney. Suburb after frigging suburb....plus the odd mall.

Yes go for two years, but buy a return ticket

The trouble with movies is, you only get to see the good bits. It's not all bbqs and surfing. Not even close.

echt · 13/03/2012 08:56

I agree with missmartha that some suburbs can be vile, but they're not all the same in the slightest, though the nicest, beachside, come with a hefty price tag, whether it's Sydney or Melbourne.

You really have to do your research. The other side is it's two years which will go by in a flash.

ODearMe · 13/03/2012 09:05

Wow, the level of response has been fantastic! There are so many of you living my scenario! I would like to say a big thank you for all your replies, they have been extremely informative and helpful - positives and negatives. I take on board what everyone says.

Bit concerned about what Alorsmum said. If I did get a written agreement drawn up, would it definitely protect me if things go really balls up and DH wants to stay and I do not? We have discussed what would happen in this instance and DH has promised that if any of us are unhappy we will come home. He is more than happy to sign an agreement if it makes me more comfortable about going.

OP posts:
GraceVictoria · 13/03/2012 09:13

Thank you echt.

I was a bit Hmm re bonsoir's post.

Yes Europe is drowning in culture and I love visiting all the "old stuff" and seeing the occasional show when I am there.

But, Sydney is my home. Couldn't and wouldn't live anywhere else.

During the long Christmas holidays we took the DC's to the Opera House to see Angelina Ballerina. Had lunch overlooking the harbour (didn't break the bank). Took the 9 year old to see "The Merry Widow" also at the Opera House.

Have season tickets and see most of the children's show and some "grown up" shows.

See lots of stage shows.

Dc's study Piano, flute, and attend concerts and recitals.

They also play lots of sport.

The bottom line is that you have to immerse yourself in the culture (or lack of it) and not compare it with where you came from.

saffronwblue · 13/03/2012 09:13

Melbourne is a good place to live. Lots to do with kids, lots of stuff for adults -writers festival, comedy festival,film festivals, food and wine events galore, music etc etc. Lots of playgroups, toddler activities The winters can be cold and grey and houses in Australia are often not good against the cold. I know some Canadians here who complain that they are cold!
Two years is not such a long time, IMO. I agree about having a clear agreement with your DH and also identifying what your dreams are - how can he make them happen?

wannaBe · 13/03/2012 10:14

I grew up abroad (in South Africa) and I would go like a shot. But there are a lot of things you should take into consideration (speaking as the child of parents who chose to move abroad, so I didn't have a choice):

Firstly, how will you feel leaving your family and friends? I don't actually think that how your family feel should be a consideration, because you have to do what works for you and your immediate family, so you shouldn't stay because your mum will be upset, but you should rather consider the impact on how you feel about leaving your mum, rather than the other way around iyswim. Also you need to consider the impact that leaving your family will have on your dc, and the impact it will have on their relationship with their extended family, because it will have an impact. When I lived abroad we didn't have such inventions as skype, and phone calls were prohibitively expensive, but even now with skype and phone calls, they are not a substitute for a real relationship with extended family.

I first moved abroad when I was six weeks old, returned when I was nearly five, and so essentially I met my extended family for the first time then. We moved back when I was nine, and by the time we came back, I was nearly twenty, and tbh I had no relationship with them at all. Yes they are aunts and uncles and such, but in truth they're just people, there isn't that auntie/niece/cousin relationship because it never developed. Even if we'd had skype it would never develop - they're just people on the other end of a computer really. I think as a parent it's easy to think that you're maintaining the relationship, but as a child I can tell you that it's not the same. (although obviously I am referring to a more long-term stay, although two years in the life of a one year old is a long time).

In terms of regular visits, I think you need to think more along the lines of that these are not really realistic. Because although you may intend to go home every six months, or intend to fly family out every six months, in truth things happen and money is needed elsewhere, and, if you're honest, once the novelty of having a family member living in Australia wears off people aren't going to want to spend all their holidays visiting you, they have other commitments and other things they want to be doing with their holiday. So while the hope is obviously that you will be able to see people regularly, you need to go in with your eyes open to the fact it's unlikely to happen like that in the long term.

And if you're leaving your friends behind it will be impossible to just come back and slot back into your old life. People move on, if you're living in different countries then your thoughts and ideas change, and when you come back you suddenly realize you no longer have anything in common with the people you left behind.

I'm not trying to put you off, I would move to Australia because the lifestyle is very similar to that in SA (but without the political and security issues in SA), and because I am aware of the potential pitfalls it's not something I would be too bothered about. But having known lots of people who have emigrated abroad it can come as a massive shock to suddenly realize that you haven't seen your family for three years and they're not actually that keen to come over because they have other things to do, and you can't afford to go back because you don't have the money, iyswim.

Also, if you commit for two years then what? You'll be giving up jobs here, are you prepared to quit your new jobs abroad, fly home and have nothing to fall back on? It's not easy getting a job at the moment - there are no guarantees on that score.

Personally I wouldn't put a time frame on it because I think that will apply a huge amount of pressure on both sides. Either you're committed to giving this a go and seeing what happens, with the proviso that you'll communicate how you both feel, or you're not. I think the need to put a timescale on it shows that actually, this isn't what you want. And if it isn't what you want, then it's a long way to go to find out.

Trix2323 · 13/03/2012 10:45

OP, YABU.

You write: I am perfectly satisfied with my life. I have AMAZING family and friends; I love where we live; I like my job! If I were to live here for the rest of my life I would be happy.

He, on the other hand, talks about it every day which has ? you say worn me down.

You sound really grounded in reality and you like your life. He seems to be in a fantasy world.

To me, his constantly going on about something he wishes he could do, rather than appreciating what you both have, is a red flag.

You may like to consider very carefully whether you are really prepared to give up your situation that is good in real life for his ?dream?.

It is a long way to go if you are unsure about whether you can be happy there.

Dozer · 13/03/2012 10:45

Shock at the legal thing! I would get legal advice OP, would be awful to be trapped in oz if the marriage broke up and you couldn't bring the DC home.

Dozer · 13/03/2012 10:49

Agree with trix, your DH's behaviour is worrying, the constant pressure, not appreciating the good things about what you have now, dismissal of your wishes and concens and making you feel that he will resent you if you don't do this major, life-changing thing that he wants, veiled threats essentially.

Will he be happy if you do this, or will he just move onto the next thing (eg remaining in Oz, working longer hours)?

missmartha · 13/03/2012 10:50

That's a great post wannaBe, and so honest and right imo.

My mother died last year, in Australia. and I didn't even go to her funeral, never got to say goodbye even.

I had things to do, my own family commitments and of course, it all happened very quickly.

My brother would love to come back to the UK, but sadly he knows that getting a job would be a struggle in the present economic climate.

At the end of the day you have to work for a living when you live in a country, going to the beach isn't something you'd do on a regular basis. Working is.

It isn't a small world, it's a big world and travel can be expensive, particularly if you're taking family with you.

Dozer · 13/03/2012 10:52

ime being worn down or feeling scared about what someone will do if you don't do as they want are rarely good reasons to do things.

My mum says that some fights are worth having, and that unfortunately the time for such fights is when you do not feel ready or able.

AThingInYourLife · 13/03/2012 11:03

Great post wannaBe :)

Haziedoll · 13/03/2012 11:21

I can see it from both points of view. I always had a dream that I wanted to travel for a year, it was something I had planned from when I was a child and I remember telling dh when we first met that it was my dream and life ambition to do this.

When we got engaged I suggested to dh that we could go backpacking for a year instead of a honeymoon and delay buying a house. He said the timing was wrong for various reasons, I was happy to wait as we were not in a rush to start a family and the world wasn't going anywhere. A couple of years later I was restless and felt that "now" was the time. Dh was having none of it and refused to entertain the idea. Dh just thought that it was a pipe dream and thought it was just something I said I wanted rather than something I really planned on doing. I felt betrayed and hurt that dh had just been humouring me when he talked about my travel plans, I felt that we had married each other with different agendas. dh was hurt as he thought that my desire to travel was greater than my desire to be married to him. After many tears and much heartache I came to the decision that I would travel with or without him, he eventually came round and we had a fantastic adventure.

If it was always part of the big plan to live overseas for a while I would worry that your dh would feel resentful if he feels that you have moved the goalposts. There doesn't really seem to be much stopping you from going and I agree that it is much easier with a toddler than it would be with an older child. At the moment your son just needs his parents once he is older you will need to take his needs into consideration too.

If you keep your property in the UK and rent in Oz it won't feel like you are emigrating it will just feel like a big adventure which is essentially what it is.

PosiePumblechook · 13/03/2012 11:23

Doooooo ittttttttttttt!

And Good luck I am very Envy.

missmartha · 13/03/2012 11:26

Renting in Oz is pretty expensive. And we're not talking a pent house overlooking Sydney Harbour either.

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