AIBU to take my 1 year old DS to the other side of the world to fulfill my husband's dream?

[ODearMe]

A bit of background first. Been together with DH for 12 years. Early on in our relationship, he had a very serious car crash (he was hit by drunk driver) from which he was lucky to recover from. I suppose this is relevant because since then he developed a live fast approach to life and a love for travel and one particular country - Australia.

Before DS was born, we spent an amazing 6 months travelling around Australia, and DH unveiled his dream of wanting to spend a period of time there in the future, maybe 2 years or so (but I am pretty sure this would be with a view to showing me a 'better life' and encouraging a decision to emmigrate).

The real issue is this is DH's dream, not mine. I am perfectly satisfied with my life. I have AMAZING family and friends; I love where we live; I like my job! If I were to live here for the rest of my life I would be happy. My DH cannot wait to live somewhere the sun shines more frequently, experience the outdoor lifestyle and just do something a bit different for a while to have an exciting new chapter in our lives. He is adventure epitomised. He does not want to live in the Uk for the rest of his life.

However, I feel if I do not do this for DH it will come back and bite me in the bum 20 years later. This Oz itch he has will not go away and he talks about it every day. I have to admit it has worn me down and I have decided to go as a compromise for 2 years only. I am quite wobbly about it - it is a big ask after all!

I know this is not a big problem to have compared to many others on here, but do you think I am being unreasonable to uproot myself and my son from our happy lives for DH and when I am not 100% sure it is the right thing to do myself? Besides, we are a partnership and why should my preferred way of life be the path we take for the rest of our lives? Would appreciate hearing from anyone else who has been in a similar situation. Thanks for reading.

As I said before, ds was 2 when we arrived, and is now 4 and I think he has got plenty out of the experience. I suspect he will remember very little of it, but he has lots of friends out here who we will endeavour to keep in touch with if we can, and living in th city has been wonderful for him (last week we went down to the harbour after preschool to see the queen Mary 2 that was docked there.). Yes, he could have done that in the uk, but not where we were living. Yes, I guess we could have moved somewhere else in the uk, but we have found being out here an adventure (even though it's an English speaking country) and I hope he will take something away from it even though he's small (I know my parenting has changed since being out here, and my self confidence, so perhaps that's what he will benefit from). The 1 year old will probably take less away from it (apart from an Aussie birth certificate!)

Also worth bearing in mind that children start school later over here, and so school years don't tally perfectly - I know several people who have had difficulties moving from the uk to Aus and then back again because of that. And it's hard to go off on adventures of you have school,age children because you are limited to term times, and so have to go in the more expensive holidays (although I do agree that it's not easy doing a lot of the outdoor things with littlies, so it's swings and roundabouts I guess!)

"You won't be living a carefree outdoor life in the sunshine, you'll be caring for a toddler, with no family support in a hot climate in an unfamiliar country where you don't know many people."

Amen to that!

I did that for 4 months in India. Dh was working, I was home with an 18 month old with absolutely nothing to do, and with no support network, nobody to even go for a coffee with. I lasted 4 months. Dh had the same life as before. Up, get to work, come home, have dinner, go to sleep again, Monday to Friday.

You need to analyze what is in it for you. And what is in it for your child.

If your dp still thinks his love for the perceived outdoors life in OZ, you need to discuss how you can all do this outdoors life together as a family, and if he is keen to go camping with a baby in tow each time.

If he still is keen to go, then you need to have a serious talk about what your DAY TO DAY life is going to be like. Because you are not just giving up 2 years to be in Oz, you could possibly be sacrificing your entire working future as an employed or employable for him to go hiking in warmer climes on the weekend.

THEN, you need to look at whether your life aspiration are in a single track or going in different directions.

Um, i know the economic situation in the uk is dire at the moment,but I hope that being out here for two years hasn't ruined my hopes of ever being employed again - think that might be a little overly negative.

Eralc, I am not talking about you. Please dont take what I say to the OP and her situation, and apply it to yourself, and then object!

I haven't read the whole thread will come back to it later. I would do it, with a time limit.

I wanted to do something similar but DH wasn't keen. In a 'life's too short' moment he applied for jobs in the country I wanted and was offered one. We were all set but can't go now due to illness in the family. I fear we might not try again as DS gets older, but I hope we do.

I wish you luck, and I hope you love it.

"I was home with an 18 month old with absolutely nothing to do, and with no support network, nobody to even go for a coffee with"

There's no reason this would be the case in Melbourne unless the OP is shy in the extreme. There are lots of playgroups, toddler-activities, mum's groups etc to get involved in and meet people. She also has a few contacts here already which helps. Plus there are some friendly Mumsnetters down there who she could link up with. It's Melbourne not Mumbai. She won't be any more stuck at home than she would be if she moved to another city in the UK where she didn't have a huge network of family and friends.

Regardless of what you read on mumsnet it is not all doom and gloom in the economy in the UK. I know people who have got, or changed jobs, people who get pay rises. Heck my house is even worth more.
I even know young people with jobs, and some of them are doing quite well.

Ok, sorry, I'll rephrase. I don't see why anyone taking 2 years out from work will end with them being unemployable for ever more.

But the point is, she will be giving up her work to look for mummy friends and build a new support network in Melbourne.

Is it worth it?

The biggest change is for her, not her dp. Unless he is willing to be sahd in Melbourne while she works?

The thing is, when you first go down the road of giving up work, it is a slippery slope, even just for a while, it will drag on. Then there is the next baby, so no real chance to start looking for another job until that child is at least a year, and so on, and before you know it, you have not worked for 4-6 years, and then you might find the situation difficult.

I would do it like a shot. Before you have to worry about schools - toddlers are extremely adaptable. And yes - I was in that situation and yes, I went.

We moved to NZ for "a year, maybe two" when the boys were 18 months / 3y old. We're still here now and they're 4 / 6, have no intention of coming back aside from holidays.

Yes we were very happy with our UK lifestyle - we are equally happy living the NZ lifestyle (same shit but far better scenery). Yes, we left behind family and friends - but they visited us, we Skype - have seen my father more since we moved 12000 miles away than we did when I lived 5 minutes away. We made new friends, new networks. We're going back for holidays and I don't believe my boys have suffered by being in a long distance relationship with extended family.

And I do feel they have a better quality of life. We spend far more time outside, on the beach, at the playgrounds, biking, swimming, hiking - it's just more conducive to that here which it never was in the UK. I've swapped a 2h commute for a 10 min commute, a job where I worked overnight and weekends one every 4 for one every 10 - my children may see their grandparents less frequently but they are seeing their mother disproportionately more.

I was in your position - happily settled in the UK, with good friends and close family. Moving here was my husband's dream, not mine (I was thinking of maybe Devon as a potential settling spot!). But my family were full of support for the move (desperately sad that we were moving so far but 100% behind the decision) and I have become very happily settled here.

Do be prepared to miss family especially at special times. It's ok to be sad / lonely / scared / culture shocked, it doesn't mean you've made the worst mistake in the world. Expect good days and bad (like anywhere), emotional highs and lows. You still have to earn the $$, clean the house, shop for groceries - the humdrum bits of life are the same everywhere.

One radical idea would be to use the time to have the next baby...Then return to the UK with a 3 year old and a one year old and ready to resume work if that is what you want. I see this may not align with DH's
teenage dream.

" There are lots of playgroups, toddler-activities, mum's groups etc to get involved in and meet people."

But why should the OP move to the other side of the world to do the same Mummy things she can do where she is with a strong support network?

That's not an adventure, it's just transplanting yourself from a place where you are happy, to the other side of the world at the time in life where women are most vulnerable to becoming isolated just so her husband can do outdoor activities in the sunshine.

The fact that there are playgroups in Melbourne is not a good reason to move away from family when they are most important, or to move your child away from his grandparents that he sees almost every day, so your husband can follow a dream that can wait.

There is no opportunity here that needs to be grasped, no genuine urgency about the timing of this trip.

This child (and any other) will only be tiny for a few years. There is no more important time, other than when you are old and infirm, to be close to an extended, supportive social network.

Not everyone is lucky (or popular) enough to have that. You can't manufacture one in a few months. It's a hell of a lot to give up.

As some one who lives on the other side of the world from their family (here in the UK), I would personally say don't do it. I had my DD here and have absolutely no support apart from my DH. And it is bloody hard! Last week we all got sick, and you know what I was thinking when we were better - thankfully it wasn't all at once or we'd have been screwed (DD, then DH then I got sick).

It isn't that easy to make new friends. It's easy to get to know people and be friendly, but friends are a work-in-progress... I'm not saying it can't be done, just that it's not as easy as some on here would have you believe.

And I'm from Melbourne and can't wait to move home! But that's becaues that's where my family and support will be. And I've told my DH if we ever move back to this side of the world (which is a possiblility later on) then it will be when the DC's are much older and independant.

"Um, i know the economic situation in the uk is dire at the moment,but I hope that being out here for two years hasn't ruined my hopes of ever being employed
again - think that might be a little overly negative."

Obviously no-one can know how each individual will be affected, but you do have to be realistic. Of course there are people getting jobs, but it's a fact that there are considerably less jobs than there are applicants, and that it's an employer's market where they have the pick of employees, so even if you are amply qualified for a job you're no longer even guaranteed an interview because employers are so inundated with applicants that they simply can't interview them all.

You may not be out of work for the rest of your life, but you do need to realistically think that you're not going to come back to the UK and walk straiht into a job - it just doesn't work like that any more.

Its a long way to go and hate it and not make any friends and miss all your friends and family here, and be miserable all of the time or you go with the mindset you are going to give it a go and put yourself out of your comfort zone and make new friends. Its an expensive journey, we have just relocated to live near the sea for a better life for the children etc, not as easy as you think and thats in this country. Don't get me wrong its great lovely when the sun is shining, its finding work and having no support is hard until you make friends. Think long and hard about it as it will and can cause arguments if you aren't both doing it because you want to. I was also the driving force behind our move and my poor DH has to travel up to london every week and stay at friends houses overnight. Its not ideal but hey if you have an itch sometimes you have to scratch it. The grass is definately not greener sometimes. Good luck with it all and keep us updated.

I'm amazed how many people here would actually say to their husbands "Nope, I won't even think about supporting you in your dream because I am comfortable and it's not MY dream."

I think the OP is being very reasonable and acting like a true partner. Hopefully her husband will repay her by being supportive and caring during their adventure and will, in future, be as supportive when her dreams require him to make sacrifices.

bubba I wouldn't say no (cos I'm a flexible kind of gel ), but I would question 2 things as the trailing spouse

• whether this is the optimal time to do a one-off 2 year stint in Oz. I would argue that it isn't, because the OP's DH's "wants" from the experience are likely to be somewhat hampered by a toddler and potentially a pregnant wife/newborn, especially in the absence of convenient family who can babysit at weekends
• whether the OP's DH has realistic expectations on the basis that he will have a toddler/ pregnant wife/newborn and whether the inability to realise his dream as it stands will result in frustration

I went to the ME with DH nearly 4 yrs ago. It wouldn't have been my first choice, although I had a good enough time there and it served it's purpose, (good career move for DH and was a springboard to a move to Asia which we both prefer). However, I think that's the key thing. If one person is making a compromise for the other (and who doesnt in marriage?), then it's important that the move "achieves its purpose"

There are lots of different expat experiences on this thread, and that reflects real life- some expats make it. Others don't. However, i think key success factors are expectations and communication, and I'm a bit worried that those are the things that are a bit "off" in this specific situation.

Totally agree there is a lot too be considered and carefully discussed. It's the people who just flat out said they would not do it, no way no how, that made me or suggesting the DH was selfish or inconsiderate to have dared voice a dream that might interrupt his wife's comfortable existence.

I'm surprised how many people find it easy to dismiss "his wife's comfortable existence" as being of no worth or consideration at all.

I agree with RealLife - there is a lot about this proposal as it currently stands that has not been properly considered.

He didn't just voice it though, he "ground" her "down".

I dragged my husband to beyond the arctic circle. He did it for me. I thought it would be a great chance for us to have some true outdoors life. Well, we did. But his career suffered. He was stuck at home every day trying to work from home for his London Job. Far from his friends, far from his family.

He did not want to take it out on me. He did honestly try not to. He embraced the outdoors. He joined the mountain rescue. Nothing really helped.

Like he said, "We had a good and happy life in London, I miss it".

From the way some of you describe it, he was a true partner in coming with me.

Was I "a true partner" for dragging him? Persuading him, and grinding him down?

Possibly not. He was depressed. He could not get out of bed in the mornings. He could not focus on his work. He let it slip.

What does beautiful mountains, fantastic landscape, sports and fresh air matter, when you are depressed and want to be elsewhere?

So we uprooted ourselves again and returned home to London. Still trying to settle and get back on track. It was an expensive experience. The financial and emotional costs have been immense.

Whatever you decide, good luck.

I'm an Aussie doing the reverse, but I have a friend who has done what you're suggesting - she moved the family to Oz for her husband's dream. He hoped they would stay but after 2yrs she missed her family too much and they moved back to the UK.

Strangely 2yrs on, she misses Oz more than he does, but I don't think they will do the move again.

I moved to Australia in 1998 and came back in 2002. I had no children at the time, so my experience was totally different to the situation you would find yourself in. Thought I'd reply anyway!

My overriding memory of what it was like to live in Australia (rather than visit or travel round) was that it wasn't much different to living in the UK. You still need to do all the mundane tasks that need doing in the UK, you just do it sweating a bit more. I lived in the tropics just south of Cairns, so the heat and humidity were extreme during the wet season. I lived through cyclones and floods every year, and living in a rural town meant that I did have to drive for 45 minutes to get to the nearest supermarket or 3 hours to get to a decent clothes shop.

But, for me, the thing that really stood out to me is that it never felt like home. I loved the place I lived, made amazing friends, loved my job, my house, my XP and my dogs. I was part of the community, the local pommy at the bar, and I very nearly loved living in my little town. But for some reason it never felt quite right, never 100% comfortable (might have been all the sweating I suppose). It just wasn't home, and as time went on the feeling that I wasn't in the right place grew and grew until I just had to leave. I came home and have never looked back.

I would never try and discourage someone from emigrating, if it's what they really want. Setting yourself a time limit on your stay seems a pretty good idea, as well as getting legal advice on your situation. But if for whatever reason you don't want to stay there you need to speak up. I hid my doubts about living there for years, until one day I just snapped and realised I couldn't bear it any more. I left in such a hurry that I lost everything (both financially and emotionally - I don't keep in touch with anyone I knew any more).

This probably hasn't helped your decision at all, sorry, but once I'd started reading the thread I had to reply. I hope you and your family are happy wherever you end up living.

Never mind the dream - what about the practicalities? You don't make any mention of work - do you/dh have jobs to go to? Or how easy would it be to get your job back in the UK? I married someone with itchy feet - we move every four years with his job and the kids are trilingual as result. I love it - so part of me wants to say go for it. Life is short and the world is large. That said we've never been as far afield as Australia and the idea that you can't just jump on plane and be home in a few hours (never mind afford the air fare) does put me off. I think a year or two would be great - if it is just that (and it would be for us because DH's contracts go in two year cycles). But what if you get there, find a job and a house and start making a life (which is the idea after all) and then he doesn't want to back? Or what if you both want to come home but you can't afford to - or can't get a job back in the UK. I don't know what your financial situation is - if you have plenty of money this is not such a problem, but if you need to work (to fund the move back never mind the cost of re-establishing yourself in the UK) what are you going to do? These are the issues you need to focus on. Australia is lovely - you've been on holiday so you know that, but it might not seem so appealing if you are desperate to move home. I would also reiterate what alorsmum said. We have a friend who moved to Canada for her husband's work (they are both British) they split up and she is not allowed to bring her son back to to Britain with her. A truly awful situation if DH decides he wants to stay in Australia, but you don't.