AIBU to take my 1 year old DS to the other side of the world to fulfill my husband's dream?

[ODearMe]

A bit of background first. Been together with DH for 12 years. Early on in our relationship, he had a very serious car crash (he was hit by drunk driver) from which he was lucky to recover from. I suppose this is relevant because since then he developed a live fast approach to life and a love for travel and one particular country - Australia.

Before DS was born, we spent an amazing 6 months travelling around Australia, and DH unveiled his dream of wanting to spend a period of time there in the future, maybe 2 years or so (but I am pretty sure this would be with a view to showing me a 'better life' and encouraging a decision to emmigrate).

The real issue is this is DH's dream, not mine. I am perfectly satisfied with my life. I have AMAZING family and friends; I love where we live; I like my job! If I were to live here for the rest of my life I would be happy. My DH cannot wait to live somewhere the sun shines more frequently, experience the outdoor lifestyle and just do something a bit different for a while to have an exciting new chapter in our lives. He is adventure epitomised. He does not want to live in the Uk for the rest of his life.

However, I feel if I do not do this for DH it will come back and bite me in the bum 20 years later. This Oz itch he has will not go away and he talks about it every day. I have to admit it has worn me down and I have decided to go as a compromise for 2 years only. I am quite wobbly about it - it is a big ask after all!

I know this is not a big problem to have compared to many others on here, but do you think I am being unreasonable to uproot myself and my son from our happy lives for DH and when I am not 100% sure it is the right thing to do myself? Besides, we are a partnership and why should my preferred way of life be the path we take for the rest of our lives? Would appreciate hearing from anyone else who has been in a similar situation. Thanks for reading.

lol at 'wannabe downunder.' do you think it will take off?

Op I can identify with the desire to not live your whole life in the same place. It's always baffled me a bit when I talk to people who were born in the same town and lived in the same house for the past 50 years, having never been anywhere or done anything. But I don't think that means you have to move halfway around the world to experience something else.

I also don't agree with this idea of wanting to live somewhere for a while and then come back. Either you want to go and live somewhere, or you don't, IMO. And if you want to go and live somewhere, then that means you want to build a life there, so why would you consider only doing it for a set period of time (unless going out there on a work contract which would be set).

And all the doing other stuff is often just a bit of a myth really. After all how many of the English attractions have you visited, for instance? gone to the museums/buckingham palace/tower of London etc? We don't visit these things because they're on our doorstep and we don't think to do so. More tourists than English visit the English attractions because they're tourists and their time is limited.

I lived in Africa and have never been on Safari, for the simple reason that it just never occurred to us to do so. There was always next month, or next year, and then we came home, and I am thinking about booking a holiday for my family to go out there and go on Safari.

I think you need to have a serious discussion with your dh as to what he really wants. I also think that he needs to be honest with himself. If he genuinely wants to go and live in Australia then I think that you need to have a serious talk about it, but equally I think that he should want to go to Australia because he wants to go there, not because he doesn't want to be here. iyswim.

Yes, ISWYM. We are going out tomorrow so will have a proper discussion then.

I would definitely watch Wannabe Down Under! :o

" for 2 years out of my life?"

I think the crucial thing is 2 years, but which 2.

2 years before children, with both of you young and free enough to spend all your free time socialising, going to the beach, taking exciting trips? A hundred times yes.

But going with a toddler? Not so much.

Being really close to extended family when children are really small is invaluable IMHO.

People keep saying that before children start school, you can take them anywhere and it makes no difference to them.

Leaving aside the idea that being thousands of miles away from two sets of beloved grandparents for twice the time he's been alive won't affect him (big to that from me), what about his primary carer?

(Given that you will be giving up work to go, I'm guessing that's you.)

You won't be living a carefree outdoor life in the sunshine, you'll be caring for a toddler, with no family support in a hot climate in an unfamiliar country where you don't know many people.

Is he planning to live in Australia as a family man with commitments to his possibly lonely and bored wife?

Or is he going to "make the most" of the experiences that will be offered through the new people he will meet at work? Will he seek to limit those experiences to ones that include you and his son, seek out other friends with small children? Or will he make his own group of friends and leave you stuck at home?

Really? You know him, what kind of guy is he?

These outdoor activities he is so keen to do in the sun - can you bring a toddler? Will he want to, or is the idea that you will spend weekends as well as weekdays alone?

You want another child in the next few years. Do you want to wait until your DS is 4 to TTC?

Or do you want to spend a significant portion of this 2 years pregnant (and possibly with a newborn).

This time in your lives - the time when your children are very tiny - is both a special one, and a demanding one.

It strikes me as a weird time to be seeking "adventure".

It's about the biggest adventure I've ever been on. And I've done a lot of travelling and lived in a lot of places.

Wow. I am sounding very much like my husband in saying that IMHO unless you give things a go and just do them (taking into account potential consequences) then a lot of the greatest things you do in your life will never happen..

I have read from another poster on here that "there is no need to go half way around the world" when my husband and I were discussing where we could potentially live with the best lifestyle there was No WHERE closer that provided such good work opportunities, weather, English speaking, positivity and and lots of fun activities to be done. That is why the biggest shame about Australia is that it is so far away! if there is please tell us!!

Odearme, the 6 months would be in Poland, where my wifes parents are. My mum is an Aussie citizen now. When she lived in the UK, i'd see her for a weekend every couple of months, whereas now i see her for a solid 4-6 weeks every couple of years. A job has kept me here for the last 10 years, but having a family has made me want to live closer to my extended family in Oz. Fair point about the PR security, but if he's lost his job over there, how secure would you be financially? I think you probably should get written agreement.

Thanks Alorsmum. I have looked at the website and bookmarked it for the future.

I know - it has struck a bit of a chord with me. She is a wise owl :)

If you're going to do it, do it now when DS is little and will really enjoy the beach every day etc - and you don't need to worry about schooling. See how you find it and then make your decision about longterm..... but make sure you and DH do a lot of talking about what you both want and are prepared to put up with.

I live in China - I moved here for DH's job and gave up my career supposedly for two years (I wanted a chance to get out of my job so it wasn't a massive sacrifice) - 5 years later we're still here but we re-negotiate it between us all the time - Every 6 months or so we really examine where we are and do we want to be here - are we both getting out of this what we want/need and if not, what can we do about it. You need to do that more when you're doing something like this because you need to catch any issues before it becomes the kind of "I hate you cos you dragged me here" type resentment that causes real problems. There is no question that living somewhere different can be a strain but it can also be the best thing ever - I don't know if we'd be married or have DS if we were both still in London working every hour in the day - I'm very glad we did both!

The more you can talk about your expectations and what may change and what you're not prepared to compromise on now can prevent a lot of problems later - set your boundaries eg "I'm willing to try it for a year because that's what you want to do, but we're keeping the house and if I say I want to go home after a year, that's it"

For what it's worth I spend more time talking to my family now than I ever did when we lived in England - we see them twice a year (they come out once - at least - and I come back at least once) and we talk (with video - praise be to the god of skype!) at least 3 or 4 times a week and when we are together we don't bicker because we make a real effort to spend some good time together. I honestly don't think it's affected my relationship with them being halfway around the world!

good luck with your decision

Hi OP. I haven't read the whole thread (sorry - wanted to post before DS2 wakes up). Thumbwitch directed me over here (hi thumb - you're missing some sunshine finally!) because I'm now 2 weeks from the end of our 2 year stay over here.

We came over here on a fixed 2 year contract with dh's work, so we always knew it was only for 2 years (and also that we had to stick the two years out). We arrived with DS1 who was 2 and a bit when we got here.

We have had an amazing and incredibly hard 2 years. I have missed my friends and family heaps, and there have been many times in the two years where I would have jumped on a plane at the first opportunity (particularly the nasty 6-8 month period). We have had visitors out here, but haven't been back to the uk in the two years (DH doesn't have enough leave to go back to the uk for an extended period and still be able to go away here). I have made some fab friends over here, but it is a it strange when you (and they) know it's only for 2 years.

There have been highs and lows - it was very hard being pregnant with ds2 with no one around, and because I got pregnant so soon after moving out here, we didn't know anyone well enough to leave ds1 with, so I had to give birth without a birth partner. Times like that I have desperately missed people.

However, when I'm asked if we would do it again, the answer is yes, absolutely. We have had some awesome experiences out here (and because we've known it's only for a short time we've done all the tourist things lots). We've all learnt stuff about ourselves since we have been out here (I'm a lot more self sufficient than I thought!) and we have met some lovely people. Sydney is a beautiful place, and it's been a chance to live a different life for a time (we live in a s,all market town in the uk). The two years have flown by in a lot of ways, and it's very strange to think that it really is all that time ago that we stepped off the plane. I'm going to miss Sydney terribly - if I could move all my friends and family over here I would do. Yes, some things are extortionately expensive, it's not all beach and sunshine, but it has grown on me over the two years. I just wish it was closer to the uk so we could more easily pop back for a visit (and to relishing the prospect of the flight with a 4 year old and 13 month old!)

Good luck in your decision op, and if I can help with anything, feel free to pm me :)

I don't think you have a choice really, or he will just resent you later, as you appreciate. Does your DH have any ongoing problems from the accident? I ask because a friend of mine suffered a serious head injury many years ago, as a result of which his personality totally changed.

I agree with the view up thread that if DH is unhappy here, the chances are he will be unhappy elsewhere. Your DH needs to appreciate that he has responsibilities now with his DS. By all means go for a couple of years and experience a different culture and lifestyle, but I fear that DH has unrealistic expectations. Having a job and working to pay the rent etc will not be the same as a holiday. Also, if he does want to stay, is he just going to wear you down again so that you are the one who ends up making the sacrifice and becoming resentful (unless you actually decide that you want to stay, of course).

Have you thought about compromising by going somewhere closer to home for a couple of years instead? There are so many beautiful places in Europe which would appear to have lots to offer in terms of climate, culture and learning another language, as well as being much closer to home and family. Or what about saving up and taking an extended sabbatical for 6 months. Surely there are ways to satisfy a wanderlust without uprooting your family and transporting them to the other side of the world, when he must realise that you basically don't want to go.

You asked about the legal aspect of an agreement re if you hate it been allowed to bring your child home. I had one. When I took it to a family law firm here I was told it wasnt worth the paper it was written on. Luckily it would seem I am now happy here and hubby and I worked through all our issues.

Having re-read the whole thread (am on hold with airline) I would worry about your different base cases. You are letting him 'scratch the itch' for 2 yrs with one eye on the clock, thinking he'll get it out of his system, whilst he has convinced himself that once you get there, you won't want to return. Now, "I aint no psychiatrist, aint no doctor with degree" but I can see that right there is a situation with massive potential for marital meltdown.

I would also interrogate his assumptions a bit more on what he thinks daily life will be like. I live in a hot country with Dh and 18mo DS, and summers with a baby/toddler are very different to when you can just head off to the beach from 8am to 6pm a deux and surf/ drink wine all day. I find I get out on the beach at either 8am-10am, or from about 3.30pm when it's cooled down enough, just for a couple of hours. Toddlers dont generally like heat that much and they burn super-easily. When DD arrives in August I imagine that we wont see the beach again until the following summer. Newborns and beaches in 35 degrees? No thx. Give me my air conned sofa. Is that what your DH has in mind?

Finally, timing. I actually think you'd be better waiting until your children are a bit older (school age). Yes, you'll have schools to think about, but it's not like they dont have schools in Australia, and it's only primary. On the flip side, if it's BBQ's, beach trips, surfing, camping, hiking and biking your husband's thinking of, much more fun to do with a 6&8 year old than a 2 yr old (and potentially also a baby).

real life is right. It gets very hot here in the summer, and I spend most of it indoors the whole day and only come out in the evenings. No way would I be venturing off to the lake or whatever in blistering sun.

Might find yrself housebound because of the 'nice sunny' weather

Don't have that problem here in Sydney. There are maybe a handful of days a year where you stay in because it's just too hot (not this year!!) but generally we get out and about (beach/park etc) without any dramas. I live near the beach which make things easier, but there are lots of beaches round here where every second person has a baby/toddler/bump in tow.
Kids adjust to different temps very quickly IME.
We moved back to Aus in December which was a bit rough on the little ones, but by February they had acclimatised.

I think OP is thinking Melbourne yes? They have a week or so each year of blistering heat, but generally it's good weather.
I would suggest living near the water or renting place with a pool.

I haven't read the whole thread but I would urge you to think about this. If you want to return to UK and husband doesn't, it may not be as simple as picking up your child and leaving, you could find that you cannot take the child if your husband objects. This may depend on what type of visa you are on also.
I don't mean to scare you and it may not even be applicable in your case but just something to take into consideration.

"I do believe many of the schools don't even let the children out at lunch time, also unless you live in the city you will need to two cars it can take hours just to get to the supermarket"

Children play outdoor at lunchtime but MUST wear a hat and schools provide a lot of shaded areas.

You would have to move hours and hours from melbourne for it to take you hours to get to the supermarket. Melbourne has pretty good public transport. I don't know anyone in the whole of Sydney (even in the outer suburbs) who is more than a 10 minute drive from a supermarket and I would think Melbourne is pretty comparable.

There's two separate issues here;

1 is Australia (particulary Melbourne) a nice place to live
2 is the OP's husband being hints (with himself and the op) about scratch his itch

I live Melbourne and I love it. We might have 10 days per year when only Mad Dogs and English venture out in the Midday sun ;) but overall the wether is quite good (posts I as I sit on my back porch watching DP cook dinner on the BBQ, while the kids are jumping on the trampoline and generally just playing - which they can do 'til about 8pm this time of year. When it gets stinking hot I go to visit MIL in the hills, or my mum down the beach. It doesn't suit everyone but it is one of the worlds most lovable cities for good reason.

As for the OP's husband and his intentions - well I don't know the man and I hope of the OP's sake he's being honest

"I disagree. I think going on an adventure is going backpacking around australia and asia, or Europe, whatever floats your boat country-wise, working from place to place, taking in the area and not putting down roots. It's not, IMO, uprooting your family, leaving behind your support network and swapping one job and set of bills for another. "

On the other hand, I found moving to England for a few years to be a real adventure. Adventure doesn't have to be an adrenalin sport. It can be as simple as experiencing normal life somewhere new.

"I do believe many of the schools don't even let the children out at lunch time, also unless you live in the city you will need to two cars it can take hours just to get to the supermarket"

^Children play outdoor at lunchtime but MUST wear a hat and schools provide a lot of shaded areas.

You would have to move hours and hours from melbourne for it to take you hours to get to the supermarket. Melbourne has pretty good public transport. I don't know anyone in the whole of Sydney (even in the outer suburbs) who is more than a 10 minute drive from a supermarket and I would think Melbourne is pretty comparable.^

Im in Melbourn and my kids play outside everyday at school 'cept when it rains, and yes they must wear at school hat from Feb to April, and from October to December. And yes, most schools have shaded areas.

Melbourne has excellent PT in the well established suburbs and except for the very outer suburbs, I can't think of an area where there isn't a supermarket within 10 minutes drive, or within a 20 minute walk even. In some of the newer areas being established the PT and shopping can be a bit hit/miss.

(I think it might be better if questions and answers about Australia be asked by the OP and answered by people who've either lived or currently live there)

"Finally, timing. I actually think you'd be better waiting until your children are a bit older (school age). Yes, you'll have schools to think about, but it's not like they dont have schools in Australia, and it's only primary. On the flip side, if it's BBQ's, beach trips, surfing, camping, hiking and biking your husband's thinking of, much more fun to do with a 6&8 year old than a 2 yr old (and potentially also a baby)."

I totally agree with RealLife

Doing it with older kids would mean an adventure for the whole family.

Doing it now means an adventure for him that you and your DS get dragged along for, despite it offering you less than you have now, and your DS nothing at all.

There's no reason why this dream of his has to be fulfilled now.

You're living a different kind of incompatible dream at the moment (that he presumably wanted), so the travelling thing can wait.

I'd definitely agree on the age of your children being a factor. My two are 8 and 6 and even then I wonder how much of this the younger will remember when he is older.

Mine are old enough to want to go to places and see things. They are old enough to want to go treetop walking and to feed kangaroos at the zoo, I'm not sure how much a little tiny one would get out of the trip.

Another voice pointing out that the heat in Melbourne is over 35 for at most 10 days per year. Melbourne is a large city with a population of about 3.5 million. There are masses of supermarkets (and fresh markets) adequate public transport and all the amenities of a large Western city- theatre, good libraries, toddler groups, parks, schools etc. There are 5 universities in Melbourne, a world class children's hospital, brilliant zoo etc etc. It is not a deprived back of beyond place.
Your DH will commute to work as we all do, have 4 weeks leave per year and no more free time than any other working person to fulfil his sporting and outdoorsy dreams. I left home at 7.15 this morning and got back from work at 6.30 pm. That is working life.
I think the point raised upthread about who is going to look after your LO while your DH has adventures on the weekend is a very valid one. Is he perhaps having a fantasy about the backpacking life when there were no responsibilities?