AIBU to take my 1 year old DS to the other side of the world to fulfill my husband's dream?

[ODearMe]

A bit of background first. Been together with DH for 12 years. Early on in our relationship, he had a very serious car crash (he was hit by drunk driver) from which he was lucky to recover from. I suppose this is relevant because since then he developed a live fast approach to life and a love for travel and one particular country - Australia.

Before DS was born, we spent an amazing 6 months travelling around Australia, and DH unveiled his dream of wanting to spend a period of time there in the future, maybe 2 years or so (but I am pretty sure this would be with a view to showing me a 'better life' and encouraging a decision to emmigrate).

The real issue is this is DH's dream, not mine. I am perfectly satisfied with my life. I have AMAZING family and friends; I love where we live; I like my job! If I were to live here for the rest of my life I would be happy. My DH cannot wait to live somewhere the sun shines more frequently, experience the outdoor lifestyle and just do something a bit different for a while to have an exciting new chapter in our lives. He is adventure epitomised. He does not want to live in the Uk for the rest of his life.

However, I feel if I do not do this for DH it will come back and bite me in the bum 20 years later. This Oz itch he has will not go away and he talks about it every day. I have to admit it has worn me down and I have decided to go as a compromise for 2 years only. I am quite wobbly about it - it is a big ask after all!

I know this is not a big problem to have compared to many others on here, but do you think I am being unreasonable to uproot myself and my son from our happy lives for DH and when I am not 100% sure it is the right thing to do myself? Besides, we are a partnership and why should my preferred way of life be the path we take for the rest of our lives? Would appreciate hearing from anyone else who has been in a similar situation. Thanks for reading.

I'm afraid I agree totally with Trix. He has, by your own admission, worn you down to agreeing to two years. He says now that if you are not happy after two years he will agree to come home. Will he actually still agree to that in two years if he loves it and you don't? Or will he keep on until he wears you down on that issue too.

I would proceed with great caution. I think his obsession will always take precedent in his mind over your feelings, and the legal situation re. your son is frankly a red flag to me too- how awful if you could not come home as DH would not give you permission to remove your son.

It would perhaps be different if he were from Oz originally and wanted to emigrate back home.That would have been something that you could have discussed from the start. But as far as your post says you are both from the UK, so when you met and got together there was a reasonable expectation that you would be together over here. That has not changed for you, but he has now changed his mind. It is therefore unreasonable to think that his dreams should somehow trump your wishes. Please think carefully. This is not buying a cottage in France, it is a long way back if it all goes wrong.

I wouldn't

I think its one of those kind of thing that people will tell you to go for because it would be "amazing" and an "experience" etc, when deep down honestly they wouldn't do it themselves

a support system is worth it's weight in gold, If you weren't near such valuable friends and family now and weren't so happy, then perhaps I'ld say yes THINK about it..

But no I wouldn't

and if you put a time limit on it will he really happily return at the end of it? I suspect that even if you go you may not satisfy his itch enough and you'll have the same issues/differences in 2 years time after all the expense and upheaval of going for "the experience".

If you're seriously thinking of doing this then please look into the Hague Convention laws, as you might find that if you hate it and want to come home and he refuses and your DC is listed on the visa that you do not have the right to remove him from Australia.

i think its quite unusual to be as happy and content as you describe yourself in the OP. It is a shame to gamble that for 'a dream'

and what about if you do go.. and stay.. will he be happy then? or will you then be having another discussion about leaving your safe comfortable suburban ozzie home and new friends/schools/job to take some crazy red centre adventure live in job?

when will he be satisfied?

there's a lot of adventure to be had in the UK, more than can be had in a lifetime, if it was JUST about having fun

When he moves to Oz his mortality will move with him and he has to realise that!

In all honesty I think Oz is a very "male" country still....it's very male orientated. The sports is everything...bbqs with beer is everything....it was still very sexist and racist when I was there...this was 6 year ago and Adelaide....which admittedly is different to sydney and melbourne. But personally I found the attitude generally off putting....all the aussies will jump in now and defend themselves and I am NOT saying all Aussies are sexist and racist BUT....quite a lot of them are...I saw it...and I was mixing with cultured and educated people as well as those who were not.

"If you keep your property in the UK and rent in Oz it won't feel like you are emigrating it will just feel like a big adventure which is essentially what
it is." I disagree. I think going on an adventure is going backpacking around australia and asia, or Europe, whatever floats your boat country-wise, working from place to place, taking in the area and not putting down roots. It's not, IMO, uprooting your family, leaving behind your support network and swapping one job and set of bills for another.

If you're living somewhere on borrowed time you cannot form strong supportive friendships, because you know that in two years time you'll have to leave them all behind again when the "adventure" ends.

Fwiw I think the benefit of living abroad should not be underestimated. I loved my time in SA and I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I didn't want to come back and I have never been so miserable in my life as I was when I came back to the UK. And if we were given the chance to move again I would go, without so much as a backward glance.

But that is me, and anyone who says "oh yes, go for it, fantastic opportunity, you'd be mad to not do it," has almost certainly never done it themselves. And if not, why not?

This isn't about regrets here. This isn't about the op saying "I'd love to go to Australia, but I'm scared because I'll be leaving behind my support network," and then being told she might regret not going. This is about the op not actually wanting to go, but being prepared to give it a chance in order to help fulfill her dh's dream, fantasy, wanderlust, whatever you like to call it, but actually not wanting to do it. She's not going to regret not going because she didn't want to go in the first place.

And not wanting to leave behind your support network is a very valid reason for not wanting to move 12000 miles around the world.

There are no guarantees you will make friends there.

There are no guarantees you will find supportive people there.

And being stuck in a foreign country on your own with a toddler can be very isolating indeed if you're used to having supportive family around the corner.

We've recently moved 120 miles away from my support network, and even though it was my choice to do so it can still be isolating. But I know that in the event of an emergency I could get on the phone to my mil or my mum and one of them could, and would, be here within a matter of hours. You won't have that choice if you're 12000 miles away from your family. My ds is older now so it's much less of an issue, but I pulled out of a move when he was two because the thought of moving somewhere with a two year old and being totally isolated was terrifying. Toddler groups are great, but it can be much more isolating when they're tiny than when they're older.

Great post Wannabe - you summed it all up very well. It is about my DH having regrets that I would find difficult to live with. I would never have gone in a million years if he had not come into my life!

plus I worked somewhere warm and sunny (abroad) for a summer. Wasn't much time for adventuring in between going to and from work to pay my rent and grocery bill! Was NOTHING like back packing, was NOT a permanant holiday (dealing with wierd land lady and horrible boss etc)

I would watch a programme called "wannaBe Down Under" where wannaBe tells it straight about emigrating to the other side of the world :o

We moved abroad for 5 years when DCs were small (6, 2 and 1). This was in Europe so closer to Britain but a new language to contend with. When we moved we had no idea whether it would be for a short time or forever. We moved from having parents just round the corner (walking distance) to them being a flight away.

The move made us much more self-reliant. It changed our relationships with our parents as when they visited we were the ones who spoke the language, knew the cultural ropes.

A huge change especially for DD1, she went from having done 1 year's primary in the UK to walking into a new school in a new country in a new language (she walked in without a backward glance! DH had to call her back to get a kiss!).

We moved back to the UK more than 5 years ago now. However I still think that our 5 years abroad has been the most significant time for us. It opened our eyes to the world. We were only a short flight from the UK but we found that everything we knew about being a grown-up was wrong and had to be learned again. It is a huge challenge but it is also a huge adventure.

When we were preparing to move we spoke to lots of people. None of the people who had given it a go regreted their time abroad even if it hadnt worked out.

No one can tell you what it will be like for you.

If you went down the working visa route rather than permanent residency wouldn't that by definition limit your stay in Australia? Not looked into these possibilities myself, but if a 2 year working visa is possible and your DH vetoed that in favour of residency, I think that tells you something significant.

I agree with your general sentiment about family being a partnership and requiring compromise. This is a massive move though, so make sure you don't compromise too much.

We are going for emigration in 2015 to Oz, but we both want to go and all my family are there for support. I have agreed to a limited period staying in my wifes home country before we move, max 6 months. I'm not that keen but realise it's important for her, so willing to sacrifice a bit of my happiness for hers.

I know my situation doesn't really mirror yours but i do understand your motivation. I think I've seen more of my mum since she moved to Oz tbh!

Ohdearme, your post of 12:43 makes it sound as if you really don't want to go. Hard to know what to suggest really as you both want such different things. Dh really didn't want to give up everything in the UK to go travelling but he did and he didn't regret it.

We came back and we settled again and our marriage was stronger for it. I do still worry sometimes that long term we don't want the same things. When we talk about our retirement plans, dh sees himself on long walks in the countryside enjoying beer festivals whereas I want to
travel around India by train. I'll happily do the countryside and beer thing with dh but he doesn't share my enthusiasm when I talk about visiting countries like Iran and Bhutan. I do have a niggling worry that I
will have to compromise and not do a lot of things that I would like to do. I suppose that's what a partnership is about but sometimes it makes you feel trapped.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is one of you is going to end up doing something that you don't really want to do and it might work out but there is also a danger that resentment could set in.

Wise words from wannabe, especially, "anyone who says "oh yes, go for it, fantastic opportunity, you'd be mad to not do it," has almost certainly never done it themselves. And if not, why not?"

I have lived in the ME and Asia and in both places I have met expats who absolutely love it, and expats who spend 75% of the year feeling pretty miserable/unfulfilled and 25% of the year (summer and Christmas) back in the UK. Moving to [insert feted land of plenty here] will not necessarily make you happy. There are plenty of miserable people in every country of the world.

In a Beautiful Place - Friends in the know have suggested we go the PR route as it gives a bit more stability if DH was to lose his job.On a temporary VISA, we would have 28 days to get out of the country! It will be nice for you to have your mum there when you go the 6 months in Oz. Good luck!

GnomeDePlume - great story - must have been a real culture shock living in a country with a different language, and for your children. How brave of you to do that! It is really fab to hear it all worked out for you and you see it as a significant chapter in your lives, and a positive one at that. We also have both sets of parents in walking distance so we will really miss their love and support. However - this is part of the reason DH wants to go. He doesnt want to live in the same place for the rest of our lives. He wants to do something a bit different then if we are here for the rest of our lives he will feel content knowing he has 'done something'.

A Thing in Your Life - that made me laugh out loud! Wannabe Down Under; tells it how it is. Good shout! :)

If he wants to do "something different" then why not do that and travel for a year or two, rather than more to one other country. Go and see places that are really different, have real adventures, not "just" emigrate.

We have done the travel thing Mummytime. Went to a great number of countries. And now DH wants to experience what it will be like to actually settle in OZ.

ohdearme

I didnt travel with him, I was going to but fell pregnant with our second and was very poorly for a year after that. I had every intention of going until he changed his destination choice from Canada or Oz to what is essentially a 3rd world in an area with no transport links an hour from a hospital (I am severely asthmatic) I couldnt go then, I was too scared as at that time I had attacks very regularly.
Since we parted I have been to parts of Europe which I have loved and Im allowed to fly/eurostar with my medication and nebuliser. I am currently saving to take the children again next year or the year after.
He travels regularly with his partner and her children, doesnt even think to ask ours to go with them. Not that they would I dont think.

My husband and I are in a similiar scenario at the moment where we had travelled Australia previously. While there BOTH of us felt that this was a place we wanted to spend some more time in as we loved the friendly positive attitude, the ease at which you could do things and overall it felt like England did when we were growing up with everything just being simpler. We are going back for a period undecided yet because we feel that our lives overall we be richer for it and we're both very excited about taking our little one for weekends away down the beach and watching him splash around in the waves, sand and sunshine.

Reading your initial message where you stated that "we spent an amazing 6 months travelling around Australia" sounds like you enjoyed your time there and the activities and places that you visited? Woudl you not feel that this would be the case this time? I get the feeling that your not saying that you do not really want to go, which a lot of posters have suggested here but that your just "wobbly" about it and need some reassuring advice?

I think this is perfectly natural as obviously it is a long way to go and to leave a big support network with a child is a very scary. We have a few friends out there already whom said they would help us settle. Would you have any support, friends or family out there?

he doesnt want to come back Ohdearme
I think you need to be prepared for that. I think in your shoes, I would agree to it, hoping and thinking that the reality wont be what he expected and he will happily come back to the UK after 2 years. But he might not

Doing the same stuff somewhere else isn't really doing "something different" though, is it?

It's quite a hackneyed idea of "different" - move to an English-speaking ex-colony like thousands of other young Brits do every year.

Staying near friends and family and realising their worth sounds more radical than wanting to move to Australia for the "good" weather.

I got used to 35 degree heat, but over 40 and I was barely able to function. Getting to work in that heat was painful.

It's like in the defendants

"
At the start he says people think I am lucky living in Hawaii all the surfing a barbecues

Truth is I haven't been surfing in 15 years "

The reason why even if you move you won't be spending all you time at the beach is because you will be working, also oz is like any other hot country is unbearably hot during the day I do believe many of the schools don't even let the children out at lunch time, also unless you live in the city you will need to two cars it can take hours just to get to the supermarket

They have flying doctors for a reason I can be very remote place

Also i find the place is not very cultured

Please look through the relationship threads, there are at least two of women who are stuck in Oz. Their relationships suddenly/shockingly broke down. They can't return to their homes and families, in fact even visiting with the kids is hard. Oz is a long long way.
If you both wanted to emigrate, or at least sounded equally interested I would say go for it, but............

Mumtb - yes we did enjoy our time out there very much. Really made the most of it and did some out of this world things such as diving with great white sharks - something I never dreamed I would do! I liked how everything was easily accessible, for example, we went to the grand prix, watched Federer and Roddick in the Oz open, watched a cricket match on boxing day between Uk and Oz. No booking, hardly any queuing, just walked in.

You are right, I am not saying I do not want to go - I am a positive person and would make the best of it and enjoy it. It is just that I would not have chosen to go had I not met my husband. I guess I am on here writing because I have decided to give it a go and want to get it clear in my head what I am doing and hear advice from people in my situation and how it is working out for them.

Some of my friends think DH is being selfish and I am too accommodating, but am I really? for 2 years out of my life? I am a home girl through and through but the life DH has given me has been wonderful and I would never have experienced magnificent things such as eg watching the sunrise over Everest had I not been swept away by his sense of adventure.

I do have a couple of friends in Melbourne and DH's sister is a citizen (but she is coming back to the UK soon) so we will know some people.

Thanks everyone again for responding!

I wouldn't do it.