AIBU to take my 1 year old DS to the other side of the world to fulfill my husband's dream?

[ODearMe]

A bit of background first. Been together with DH for 12 years. Early on in our relationship, he had a very serious car crash (he was hit by drunk driver) from which he was lucky to recover from. I suppose this is relevant because since then he developed a live fast approach to life and a love for travel and one particular country - Australia.

Before DS was born, we spent an amazing 6 months travelling around Australia, and DH unveiled his dream of wanting to spend a period of time there in the future, maybe 2 years or so (but I am pretty sure this would be with a view to showing me a 'better life' and encouraging a decision to emmigrate).

The real issue is this is DH's dream, not mine. I am perfectly satisfied with my life. I have AMAZING family and friends; I love where we live; I like my job! If I were to live here for the rest of my life I would be happy. My DH cannot wait to live somewhere the sun shines more frequently, experience the outdoor lifestyle and just do something a bit different for a while to have an exciting new chapter in our lives. He is adventure epitomised. He does not want to live in the Uk for the rest of his life.

However, I feel if I do not do this for DH it will come back and bite me in the bum 20 years later. This Oz itch he has will not go away and he talks about it every day. I have to admit it has worn me down and I have decided to go as a compromise for 2 years only. I am quite wobbly about it - it is a big ask after all!

I know this is not a big problem to have compared to many others on here, but do you think I am being unreasonable to uproot myself and my son from our happy lives for DH and when I am not 100% sure it is the right thing to do myself? Besides, we are a partnership and why should my preferred way of life be the path we take for the rest of our lives? Would appreciate hearing from anyone else who has been in a similar situation. Thanks for reading.

We did this and it caused untold misery as DH decded he wanted t move there permanently whilst I could not think of anything I wanted less.

Yes it's nice...bt it's terribly far from the UK and things are very dfferent. It's often too hot to actually sit or walk outdoors....I ended up sitting in a house alone with our baby DD whilst DH went to work.

Hated it.

So you're going to be leaving your family.

You're going to be leaving your friends.

You're going to be giving up your job.

You're going to be giving up a life you are "perfectly satisfied with".

What is your dh going to be giving up in return?

We lived in Sydney for 6 years and just returned last year to start a family.

Fortunately, that was always the plan and neither of us wanted to stay longer, but I met a several expats whose relationships fell apart because one of them changed the goal posts and decided they wanted to settle there permanently.

I would really advise you to read some expat forums in detail, as well as the "Moving back to the UK" sections as it might raise some issues you haven't considered.

I agree with the post up-thread who was wondering why the "sunshine" argument should be stronger than family and friends. Also in my experience, the large majority of the expats I met in Australia didn't turn into outdoors/sporty people just because the weather was nicer; they just drink beer outdoors instead!

Sorry, don't mean to sound like the voice of doom - it's worth pointing out that Oz does turn out to be the right thing for many expat families that would never considering coming back!

My dh was offered a job in Melbourne. The package seemed great until we realised oz is 2.2 x more expensive than London.

We simply couldn't afford it.can you? If times your current outgoings by 2.2 and don't forget health insurance can you do it?

Who knows, maybe we should have forced it to work considering dh has just lost his job.

Still, I have no great desire to live there. But USA.... Oh yes....

Go for it, lifes too short

We moved there in 2006 and came back last year. I liked it well enough (in Melbourne) had a good time but I missed my family and I missed England. I love it here and am happy to be home. DH on the other hand, hates it here. He can't settle and is severely depressed. The upshot is he is going back next month (if he gets a job he's been interviewed for)and we (me & DC aged 9 & 11) will follow in November.

Tbh it's a horrendous thing to go through when one of you wants to live there and the other doesn't. I am making a huge sacrifice as I'm putting our marriage above what I want. DC are reluctant to go back, they have settled back here very well and my DH is showing extreme selfishness IMHO, but this is related to his poor mh.

I am having some counselling to deal with it all as I feel so conflicted and torn. Like I say I don't dislike Australia but I feel the pros of living here at the moment outweigh the pros of living there. I am drawing up a pre-return contract with the help of my counsellor which states that if me and DC want to come home we can and other things which are more related to problems in our relationship not Oz. But I feel more secure with ground rules in writing. We are also buying a house here that we will rent out so I haven't burnt my bridges. I count us as lucky to have dual citizenship and choices about where we live.

In your position I would say go for it but get yourself informed. Australia is very expensive at the moment and the Aussie dollar is v strong ATM - a far cry from when we went in 2006. You only live once though, and whilst upheaval can be draining I do think the emigration experience has enriched my DC's lives. I would do it again if we turned the clock back, and would still have returned even though this has been one of the most difficult years of my life.

I would say forget the crappy Wanted Down Under programs and get yourself over to Britishexpats.com where you'll find opinions and information from those who've done it.

Good luck with your decision!

How much does it rain in Australia?

Whenever I see that down under programme and they live in London or somewhere busy, and they are after a slower pace, outdoor, beach life, I think, so move to a quieter town or the countryside or the seaside in England. I know it's not hot all the time, but it's got all the other things they want.

I second what the others say how it's a lot different working, driving or walking to school, doing everyday stuff, in the glorious heat than travelling for 6 months, which is an extended holiday. Far better IMO to be in our temperate climate.

And that's before considering leaving family and friends behind, what will happen about money etc.

Could you maybe compromise and go there for one year rather than two?

"Go for it, lifes too short"

:o

Yeah, too short to spend living a happy and fulfilling life surrounded by people you love and who love you.

I'm doing the opposite- left aus for two years to live here! (for husbands work) we've moved our 3 children and the cat is set to arrive shortly? yes you miss your family and friends but with Skype and fb it's not like you're really away. It makes you appreciate what you have as well. It's such a short time in the scheme of a life and we are having a great time, seeing and doing so much! Australia is a really great place and such a lovely healthy lifestyle- life is what you make of it :-) and yes it's hot, but England is bloody cold!!!

I'm here, because my husband was told to choose between Brisbane and Berlin. We decided Brisbane would be warmer.

In my heart (one year on) I fucking wish we'd chosen Berlin.

Yes Australia is beautiful. The people are on the whole friendly (if actually quite hard to become friends with) and the weather can be lovely (although not nearly as lovely as I had thought/expected).

But, it's so far away. It's such a bloody cliche, but it really is true - that flight lasts forever. I am terribly terribly lonely (2 school age dc) and my husband works the 13 hour days he's always worked. I miss my family terribly (and we weren't that physically close to start with). My mum still cries every other time we talk.

Melbourne, I understand, has cold winters too. The winter wasn't too awful here (although the dc still had electric blankets as the only heating is the reversed air con), but I am sick of rain (the wet season is just ending here).

Luckily, for me, my DH isn't that thrilled either, and we're looking forward to returning. But my life is on hold. And that's pretty hard to take.

(sorry, you've got me on pmt day ).

Hey. We live in Perth, and as pp said it is dull in suburbia! I have met ppl, but not made any friends. I miss my family and friends, but they have come 2 visit us.
We have said 2 give it a year and see how we go. This is also my dh dream, but my nightmare. I have supported my dh, as this is a job transfer 4 him. But, I have 2 give my job up (I'm on maternity as dd2 is 8mo), and have been here 4 5months now.
I still want 2 go home now. Every day is a struggle. I have no help with the dc, even dh doesn't help out :( It's very lonely 4 me, where dh goes 2 work and is meeting new ppl all the time. I go 2 playgroup, swimming, baby rhyme time etc with the children, but have not met anyone that I can class as a friend.
I feel I've done this so my dh won't resent me, and he put a lot of pressure on 2 me about going. And now I've started 2 resent him.
I feel he has taken control of my life, which I am not happy with, and am hoping 2 go back home in the summer 4 a 'holiday', well a view 4 me 2 go back and never return.
Dh gets less holiday here than back home, and he was able 2 work from 'home' in his last job, which he can't do here. He also works the same long hours, so the change of life thing hasn't happened. We go 2 the beach at the w'ends, but it's a hassle with the sand (not that I don't have enough washing 2 do), we can't sit in the sun between 10-3 as the UVA rays are strong, so are indoors. The quality of the food is questionable. They're rubbish drivers, and the education system is supposed 2 be better (but I'd question that, as they all seem a bit dim 2 me).
We've rented our house out back home 2 a lovely family we know, and we've rented here (which is a nightmare btw). Have a look on pomsinoz website 2 get an idea.
Whatever you decide good lucl. With all things, what's good 4 one person, isn't 4 another x

Ha! to the sunny weather etc.
A large proportion of NSW is under flood alert still because we have just had the wettest and coldest summer for 90 years, apparently. It's been great (for me) but has meant that I have had a total of 4 decent drying days in the entire summer; we've been in the pool about 4 times in the entire summer; admittedly I've not needed to water the garden hardly at all but still!; and we've spent quite a lot of time inside.
Mind you, when it IS hot and sunny, it can be too hot to go outside. Not always of course - but when it does get up to 40degrees, it's often quite muggy, so any energy expenditure can leave you sweating like a pig in about 2 minutes - and prey to the zillions of mozzies! We tend to spend the really hot days indoors with the curtains shut and the aircon on (but we have bad insulation in our house).

Winters can be cold too, unless you go up to Cairns area, in which case it never really goes much below 20deg.

The trouble with the tv programmes is that they don't really seem to show the "real" Australia - too much idealised bollocks, if you ask me.

We moved out to the "country" of NSW (1.5h north of Sydney) 2 1/2 years ago, because this is where DH is from and where his mum lives. So, I have "family" close by which has helped a lot. DS was 20mo when we moved out, so finding playgroups to go to helped me socialise more (DH was absofeckinglutely useless on that score!). We already had a house to move to so didn't have all that stress (thank God!!). And still it's hard.
We are in Australia permanently (except for my fairly frequent trips home with DS to make sure he and my family remember each other) - I missed the 6m homesickness crash by being in the UK for it - but other expats will tell you how bad it can be at that point.

Costs in Australia are variable - food is mostly far more expensive, clothes ditto. Fuel is cheaper, rail travel (except to and from airports) is generally far cheaper. Parking costs in central cities can be immense. Cars themselves cost quite a lot (not sure how they compare to UK prices now though).
Housing - well, you might get more space for your money out in Australia but there is stiff competition for finding a house to rent and buying is expensive.

There are things I like about Australia - and things I desperately miss about the UK. Even though you have travelled for 6m in Australia, it still doesn't really equate to knowing what it would be like to live here, because you don't look at those basic things like utility costs, baby stuff costs, weekly food shop costs etc. (Electricity prices here are a joke - can be so expensive, apparently some companies like to charge according to postcode so if you're in an affluent area, you get charged loads more).

But - it's only 2 years. One of my MN expat buddies is just coming to the end of her 2 years in Australia and is desperately looking forward to seeing all her family and friends again - she hasn't been back in those 2 years, and has found it very hard. She also said that if she had gone back any time in those 2 years, she might not have returned to Australia afterwards!

It's a great idea but the reality is often short of the dream - your DH needs to think a bit more about the realities, I think.

And another thing about the healthy outdoor lifestyle thing (although this may be only local to where we live) - there are far more drive-through fast food outlets in Australia than in the UK, and we are finding it quite hard to find activities to do - I've been trying to set up a badminton club for women and the apathy is distressing! DH is into tennis and we have a beautiful local club that is, for the most part, deserted - two localish tennis clubs have recently been demolished, others lie disintegrating and unused. We've seen more obesity out here than where we lived in the UK, especially among the younger people.

As with anywhere, it is what you make of it - but if you don't already do outdoorsy things in the UK, you might not find it so easy to just start doing outdoorsy things in Australia.

I don't think you've said which area you'd be aiming for - do you have any ideas on that front?

Back again. .

Despite everything I posted up ^ there, I'm still glad we came. Paradox huh? To me it means we came and gave it a try. And yes, we didn't find it to be the utopia that others had suggested, but we lived it.

When I was about 14 I found out that my parents had nearly been one of the 10pound Poms. I was gutted! I thought that my life out there would have been much more glamorous than it turned out to be.

My dc can't say that. They've been here and liked it, but they still talk about home (the younger not quite so much) and look forward to returning. It's been a great experience for them, and that, as their mummy, makes me glad.

Thumbwitch, I think they're looking at Melbourne area.

What a shit summer huh?! Are you guys ok - not too much flooding near you?
(ex MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism btw)

Scone, luckily we're pretty high up so we're not directly affected but DH has had to be careful where he plans his appointments so he doesn't get stuck! Not generally too bad round us - I feel bad for the areas that copped it last year and again this year though :(

What happens if Hubby changes the goalposts? Ok you decide to come home alone... And I mean alone because once your here your children become resident in Australia therefore you cannot just bring them home if your partner objects.

That said I did the same thing 3 years ago. The first two were hideous. However Im happy now and can cope with the bouts of people sickness. Its not home sickness as this is home now :)

My Autie ended up stuck out there, because of the divorce laws and residency of children. Unfortunatly she suffered some DV and this was completely ignored, the laws were different.

They might of changed, but it doesn't sound as though your DH would want to return to the UK, so you do need to look into what would happen if he wanted to stay.

I don't understand why people are saying ,go for it,when you have everything that you want here in the UK. If you can protect yourself, so that you can return, if you want to, with a home, your DS and a possible job, then you have nothing to lose.

Hi scone! Me again. OP, I'm in Brisbane (DH was transferred here with work) and would echo a lot of what's been said about there being great things in Oz (weather most of the time, beaches) and not so great stuff (cost of living)....it really does make the decision hard and I would really recommend you and your DH do a lot of up to date research on jobs, money etc.

Moving over here was exhausting both emotionally and physically....do NOT underestimate the amount of work/stress involved which can be very hard to swallow if you are not 100% committed to the move. Overall I am totally ambivalent about Oz...for me with young DC it's no better or worse than living in the UK

Be aware that everything you are hearing is anecdotal - that nobody is living the same situation you willbe going through.

And I think it's really off of silverbay and others to lay on the emotional blackmail - of course your mum will be upset if you're close, it's one of many factors you have to consider. And I also disagree with the poster saying "you won't see your family for five years", my mum said similar things to me and my response was that it is an absolute priority the children and I go home 1-2x a year so we will budget to make sure that happens. And we already have almost every month someone coming to stay this year from May onwards....(we are going back in July and again at Christmas)

Based on your posts I'd say go for it, plan for 2years but agree a review after 1. You don't sound like you have any reasons for not going aside from being happy here (which in turn doesn't mean you are any more or less likely to be happy there). It's great timing with DC being so young, you have plenty of time to hash out where you want to settle permanently well before you hit school age.

We've just made the move to California. I've been pushing to live abroad (ANYWHERE!) for a few years while DC are young (was actually pushing for somewhere more exciting like Japan where it totally different), DH got offered a job here and I didn't think it through massively, just went for it. We only arrived 3 weeks ago and nothing has thrown me yet but of course I do feel very far away from my friends and family, especially my mum who is unbelieveably close to my son - but he talks to her and some of our friends on skype every other day at the moment.

I have a feeling DH will fall in love and want to stay - I have told him we will be moving home in roughly three years. If this changes it'll be a nice surprise for him!

Before accepting the job he made me do research to se if there were things in my field I could get involved in (on my visa I'm not allowed to work but his work have said they'll process green cards for us all eventually). We have a couple of friends here already and have been introduced to several others.

We agreed we would make sure we reassessed after a year here, regardless of how good it seems to be - bearing in mind we reckon the first year will be the hardest, and we'd have to pay back all relocation costs if we left earlier than that anyway.

We have kept the flat we bought in London and will only rent here for the duration.

At the end of the day, I felt we'd both wonder "what if" if we didn't try it out. But then I grew up living abroad in different coutries until the age of 8 then moved around Britain til we settled in London aged 12 and wanted my children to have some experience of "other" for a short while (they're 3months and 3years). While I was a bit apprehensive I can't deny that I have talked for years about living abroad so a slightly different situation to you, but feel if DH hadn't tried to get work abroad for a while he would have gone back on all the conversations we had when we were younger about travelling and seeing the world and living somewhere else, which would have led to resentment. Still kinda wish we were somewhere totally different just for the experience though!

I did the opposite - moved to the UK for a few years and am now back in Aus.
IMO you should do it. Marriages are long and sometimes we make sacrifices for our spouses - this works both ways in a good marriage.
Your opinions/preferences/dreams are not less important, but this is only 2 years FGS. It FLYS BY!! The first 6 months or so can be tricky as it's always hard learning the way systems work in new countries and getting yourself settled in can be draining. But after that you get your life sorted out and have lots of fun exploring and enjoying a new environment (of you let yourself).

@Thumbwitch - I would say there are far fewer junk food outlets where I am than where we were in the UK, and I remember each time we came back to Sydney when we were living in the UK we'd look around and say "Wow - look at all the healthy people!" I guess there are always different areas with different demographics.

@A1B2 - Asking how much it rains in Australia is like asking how much it rains in Europe. It rains lots in tropical areas in the wet season, it rains in other areas pretty much only in Winter. Sydney gets more rain than London, but it all comes down in massive downpours rather than eternal drizzle (this year excluded!) Melbourne gets less rain than Sydney but more raining days.

IME, the outdoor aspect of life in Aus is less about suddenly getting into hiking or whitewater rafting or whatever and more about being able to be comfortably outdoors most of the year - even if it's just in your garden, walking to the shops or going for a quick swim before/after work. You don't become a different person, but you do find you do more of the normal stuff in the fresh air.

You will miss family, friends and England in general. No question. But they will still be there when you get back and you will appreciate them all the more.

Here endeth the sermon.

I moved to Brisbane 6 months ago with DH (we moved for his job) and DS (4) and DD(2).

We love it here, there are so many more opportunities for our kids (short and long-term). The exchange rate is terrible, which is bad if you're bringing money in, but as long as you're earning here, it's absolutely fine. In real terms we're earning loads more than we were in the UK.

If you want to chat any more, feel free to pm me :)

We moved to NSW six months ago, and have no regrets whatsoever. This was always a permanent decision for us as our eldest two ds are 6 and 8 and we decided we could only uproot them once in their educational careers. I was 36wks pg with ds3 when we arrived and he was born here. This was a work transfer for dh and I had to give up work, but as I was pg and planning a 4th it seemed like the right time - especially as I have still received maternity pay due to resigning late in pg. I initially didn't want to go due to leaving familiar community, family and friends, but finally decided that between Skype, flights to the uk and family and friends visiting that it didn't mean I would never see anyone again, and for the sake of a better lifestyle for my children and ourselves that I would go for it. Really didn't want any what ifs when I was too old to do it.

The easiest way to give you my view on things so far is to list the pros and cons as I see them:

Pros: much better weather (even if according to locals their summer has been 'crap'), kids spend 75% more time outdoors, we are financially much better off as dh's job is on wanted skills list and very well paid, social life is busier than it has ever been as people seem much more inclined to get out and about, school is just lovely - the teachers are kind, and both my elder sons education appears to have come on leaps and bounds in the short time we have been here, my dh's joints which were made agony by the cold back home are virtually fine now.

Cons: my df passed away suddenly and very unexpectedly 12 weeks after we left and due to ds3 being so young I couldn't go back - that is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to endure but I realize that this isn't the norm and thanks to an extremely suPportive dh has been made bearable, the cost of living is high but you learn how to manage it early on, my eldest son took a few weeks to settle in to school as he is shy and sensitive and felt that his accent was being teased but fortunately a quick word with his teacher seems to have overcome this, I miss my friends and family but not so much that it spoils things for me, being shy myself has made it hard to make friends but I'm getting there!, and it can be difficult to budget for flights to the uk, but I feel that in wanting to give it a proper go, this is something that I would consider sacrificing if I had to, oh and finally but by no means least - the flight is excruciating! Long, horrible, tiring and boring (even more so at 36wks pg).

So, I'm sure my lists are by no means exhaustive and will bear no relevance to some, but on the whole I feel that as a family we have made absolutely the right decision and so far have no intentions of moving back to the uk.

Really hope all this helps, but mostly hope you are able to make the right decision for you and your dh (and of course dc).

I agree with what others have said- you are either out doorsy or you're not. Whatever the weather. I don't think your dh is being realistic.