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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give DH a stern talking to when he gets home?

629 replies

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 17:44

DH's works full time in a flexible, non-stressful job that he loves, I'm a SAHM to an active but relatively easy going toddler. DH's jobs around the house are: cooking dinner each night (his choice, he loves cooking and hates clearing up), emptying the bins, washing his own clothes and hoovering at the weekend. That's it. Every so often we have a "discussion" about housework (ie I tell him he needs to keep on top of his jobs) he agrees he needs to buck up and he is very good for about a month afterwards. Then, everything slowly starts to slide. If I mention anything there's always an excuse: "I've been very busy," or some such.

This week my patience is wearing thin again. The bins are overflowing, and every week for the last three weeks they've been like that at some point. He's been ill for the last couple of days so I've said nothing and just worked around it because if I say anything I'll get the "I've been ill" and I'll look like a massive bitch. However, not long ago he rang me to ask if it's ok if he goes to the pub for a drink. I said yes even though I was a bit hacked off that I unexpectedly have no help with DS this evening (hate that, but I can deal with it) but more so because those bloody bins have been driving me nuts all week, I've said nothing because he's "ill" and now the poor "ill" baby is off to the pub!!! Grrrr!!

Am I being petty or should I tell him I've had enough of this? I mean, emptying the bins isn't too much to do of an evening is it??

OP posts:
wordfactory · 09/03/2012 18:51

Och, I forget to do stuff all the time. DH doesn't stand with his hands on his hips and give me a stern talking to. Same for me when he does it.I expect it's the same for the most couples.

As long as it all comes out in the wash and you're a team that works, why bitch about the detail?
That's really not a life or a relatiohsip I want part of.

runningforthebusinheels · 09/03/2012 18:51

I don't think it matters on what the division of labour is in any given household - but once agreed, I think the op has reason to be mad when his part hasn't been done but he's drinking down the pub!

Lets suppose I welched on one of "my" jobs, say the school run? Made my dh do it instead - because I'm too ill to do it. He'd be glad to do that for me.

What I then went straight out to a coffee morning with my friends? Do you think he'd still be happy?

LydiaWickham · 09/03/2012 18:51

Here's the thing for the "you are at home all day, why not do all the housework too?" brigade - if the OP worked full time too and they hired a nanny, how much housework do you think they nanny would do? Do you think the nanny would do anything other than clean up after the DC and nothing else or do you think the nanny would take out the bins if you'd not done it, go through your fridge and work out what you need and go buy it? Hoover and dust and scrub the loo? Or do you think that being a nanny is classed as a full time job in it's own right and they don't do housework, or have the time to even if they wanted too.

Looking after your own child is a full time job. Yes, most manage to juggle doing the bulk of the housework, but when I was at home full time (and didn't have a cleaner), I still did the bulk of our housework in the evenings. If your DH is also there, why wouldn't you split those tasks 50/50? And as the OP's DH isn't doing 50% of the jobs (and take out cooking if he really enjoys it, that becomes a hobby, not a job), then why should the OP do it for him because he can't be arsed?

Bins are DH's job. I don't nag, he does it (although I often have to remind him which days the bin men come).

AThingInYourLife · 09/03/2012 18:51

Life's too short to be constantly doing the shitwork because your spouse won't do it and you've been convinced it's "trivial" and "petty" for a woman to expect to be treated fairly.

BluddyMoFo · 09/03/2012 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OriginalJamie · 09/03/2012 18:53

I wouldn't be getting annoyed though. I'd just say"can you empty the bin" when he gets in.

And it strikes me he does his fair share

Goawaybob · 09/03/2012 18:53

This is actually a wind up isnt it?

sunshineandbooks · 09/03/2012 18:53

MrsEB if you're happy with the arrangement in your own marriage then of course you're not wrong. The OP isn't happy though. As a single mother who works full time and has no family I am pretty well placed to see both sides and if the DH's job is low-pressured, flexible and enjoyable I don't see why working should get him out of housework. Looking after a toddler can be far more time consuming and I don't see why OP should have to sacrifice time spent with her child just to do the ironing cos her DH works.

Longtalljosie · 09/03/2012 18:55

It depends. Do you want him to cut you a little slack when you're ill? Thought so.

TBH, you're bloody lucky. If you're staying at home, not cooking, not hoovering, only doing 2/3 of the laundry and not emptying the bins, you're on a pretty good wicket, I'd argue. And I say that not as a "handmaiden", just someone who thinks your DH seems to be doing more than 50% of the family work.

wordfactory · 09/03/2012 18:55

The thing is I do think many domestic chores are fairly trivial.

As long as the DC are well cared for, and there's food on the table...if the bins need emptying, whoever's nearest can do 'em.

everlong · 09/03/2012 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goawaybob · 09/03/2012 18:56

In our house, it is the persons job who puts the last bit of crap in it before it is full i have been known to balance things precariously on top to avoid putting bin out

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/03/2012 18:56

I swear that there was a thread where the mother was ill and the father complained about the nappy bin being fulland he got slated.

Isn't it interesting that those doing the slating of the man on that thread are those slating the man on this thread. Grin

wordfactory · 09/03/2012 18:58

All this strict demacation of chores...is it a home or a 1950s factory?

Voidka · 09/03/2012 18:59

Get a grip and put the bin out!
Maybe its teenage rebellion.

OriginalJamie · 09/03/2012 19:00

Am also bit confused about what is so stressful about bins - for men or women

OriginalJamie · 09/03/2012 19:02

I think the formality of it is what is striking me

And I can only assume that has come about as a result of disgruntlement. Otherwise it sounds like pointless competitive "I'm more tired than you"

Alicethroughthelurkingglass · 09/03/2012 19:03

I'm surprised by the folk who think it's surprising that the OP's dh does a full time job and some household chores in the evening. Isn't this what most people do, pre-dc's?

It's also clear from the op that this is not about whether she should empty the bins tonight, but about whether she is BU to be frustrated at her dh's repeatedly reneging on agreements re division of household labour. I think lots of people are giving the op an excessively hard time.

Op, I think yanbu about this - although post-pub possibly not the best time for a talking to?

QuintessentialyHollow · 09/03/2012 19:05

Find a different job for him. Like scrubbing the bath, daily.

Nenufar · 09/03/2012 19:06

My DH used to work between 90 and 110 hours a week. I did almost all of the housework then apart from car maintenance stuff and mowing the lawn.

DH decided to pack in his job and reduce his hours so that he could spend more time at home. He works mainly nights so he is around during the day most of the time.

Little things started to drive me NUTS. E.g. he would make a cafetiere of coffee for himself and leave it on the side unwashed. I would ignore it on purpose for days and eventually wash it up in a real huff.

After a couple of months I had it out with him. I said that as he was currently not working, I felt that he should also do more around the house. I said I felt that he expected me to clear up after him, didn't try hard enough to be tidy etc etc.

His reaction totally suprised me. For every one of the things that I found totally irritating and in my head was convinced was a result of him not being considerate towards me/lazy etc he was able to give me a perfectly rational explanation.

Result - he knows I find certain things he does annoying and tries not to do them as much but when he does slip up I don't feel as annoyed about it because I know he didn't mean to annoy me.

MooncupandPizza · 09/03/2012 19:09

Well, my DH threatened moving out when I had a moan about him not doing his bit with the DCs and the bins/washing up/toy clearing a couple of nights ago so I reckon LEAVE THE BASTARD before he leaves you!

(I did point out to him that breaking our family up because he can't be arsed to do chores would seem a bit excessive)

youarenotsilly · 09/03/2012 19:11

So the OP is a "doormat" on the basis that her DH doesn't empty the bins when he's been ill and because he then on a friday after a shitty week rings home to say hes going to the pub (with wifes blessing) without emptying the above mentioned bins. DialsMavis hit the nail on the head with her post...

And we should all just ignore the fact that the OP is being a petty in the process of having rigid strict duties that must be fulfilled to the letter by set prescribed times regardless of the week you've had?

There is this bit in between called 'give and take'. Again. Why the bloody hell do threads like these always have to be about a certain number of posters insisting that it is a clear black and white thing about men shitting all over the poor little woman at home. Its not. Nope in this case it appears she's more concerned about whether shes going to look a 'massive bitch' than whether hes ill or not.

This is about pointscoring by the OP. When she should just take the bins out and then have a adult conversation about her DH not pulling his weight as much as she would like and slacking off again. After he's gone to the pub. Which note, she said yes to. When she could have said no, I really would appreciate some help with DS, but chose not to, and instead is now sulking about.

How the fuck is the DH actually supposed to know she has a problem with him going out, if she doesn't communicate this? Is the DH a mindreader as the OP does not tell us this. How is the DH supposed to know if she is annoyed about the bins, if she doesn't tell him? What is a massive thing to her, is undoubtably a very low priority in his life purely as he's not at home with above bin all day like she is. It does not mean he is treating her like a doormat! It means he has other things going on and isn't staring at the bin all day. No malice, no intentional taking the piss imho. Afterall this guy appears to pull his weight when he is reminded about his slacking without too much of a problem.

She is being unreasonable with her childish sulking, doing a hard done by routine because of that.

Communication is so unbelievably ignored on MN.

MooncupandPizza · 09/03/2012 19:18

On a more serious note -some couples/households work better with having chores designated. Some couples are good at just seeing what needs done and it getting divided more or less fairly that way.

For my part, my OH is one of the ones who doesn't see what needs doing but will do something if asked. However, I hate having to ask all the time as it makes me feel like a nag and bossy so a rota/division of chores works better for us.

Those who are looking down their noses about the "strict" division of chores because things work differently in their own particular dyad have pissed me off somewhat. I agree if the bin is overflowing, there is no need to wait 'til the official bin emptier gets there but there is no harm in having a chore list if it helps things get done and stay organised and (usually) peaceful.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 09/03/2012 19:22

Longtalljosie - TBH, you're bloody lucky. If you're staying at home, not cooking, not hoovering, only doing 2/3 of the laundry and not emptying the bins, you're on a pretty good wicket, I'd argue. And I say that not as a "handmaiden", just someone who thinks your DH seems to be doing more than 50% of the family work

More than 50% of the family work? How on earth did you work that out? Is you bathroom self cleaning? Your kitchen? Do you children feed themselves all day? Does your 'active' toddler put away all of his toys, all of the time? Take himself off to 'activities'/the park? Do you only hoover once a week? Does the linen not need washing? The towels? Does the food shopping do itself? No tidying up/cleaning up after dinner?

Hoovering once a week, emptying a few bins and doing a bit of cooking does not come anywhere near 50% of family work.

OriginalJamie · 09/03/2012 19:23

Fair enough mooncup

Cailin - I normally like the way you write and the advice you give on other threads. However, your tone on here does sound a bit mother/child

Can I ask - did you mention his job being enjoyable and stress free because yours is not? Are you feeling bored or bogged down by being a Sahm? ( I was one for 10 years and undoubtedly feels very mundane at times). Do you socialise as much as he does?