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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to give DH a stern talking to when he gets home?

629 replies

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 17:44

DH's works full time in a flexible, non-stressful job that he loves, I'm a SAHM to an active but relatively easy going toddler. DH's jobs around the house are: cooking dinner each night (his choice, he loves cooking and hates clearing up), emptying the bins, washing his own clothes and hoovering at the weekend. That's it. Every so often we have a "discussion" about housework (ie I tell him he needs to keep on top of his jobs) he agrees he needs to buck up and he is very good for about a month afterwards. Then, everything slowly starts to slide. If I mention anything there's always an excuse: "I've been very busy," or some such.

This week my patience is wearing thin again. The bins are overflowing, and every week for the last three weeks they've been like that at some point. He's been ill for the last couple of days so I've said nothing and just worked around it because if I say anything I'll get the "I've been ill" and I'll look like a massive bitch. However, not long ago he rang me to ask if it's ok if he goes to the pub for a drink. I said yes even though I was a bit hacked off that I unexpectedly have no help with DS this evening (hate that, but I can deal with it) but more so because those bloody bins have been driving me nuts all week, I've said nothing because he's "ill" and now the poor "ill" baby is off to the pub!!! Grrrr!!

Am I being petty or should I tell him I've had enough of this? I mean, emptying the bins isn't too much to do of an evening is it??

OP posts:
Almostfifty · 09/03/2012 20:43

Oh for goodness sake!

The OP has one child, a toddler. It's not hard to look after one child and a house.

If a bin needs emptying, whoever's there empties it. If a child needs a nappy changing, whoever's there changes it. If it's bathtime, whoever's there bathes the child.

It's all so petty and pathetic.

When mine were young, in the mornings my OH went to work and I started housework, with a bit of help from the boys. I just got on and did the lot during the week. It's not exactly that much when you've only one.

When he came home, we both did whatever needed doing. What I never did was divvy jobs up. He never moaned about jobs, but I never took the piss.

COCKadoodledooo · 09/03/2012 20:45

Give him a stern talking to by all means. Expect much huffing, eye-rolling and general narkedness in return. That's what you'd get from me anyway. If your bin offends you so much empty the damn thing.

SirGinTheUnreasonable · 09/03/2012 20:48

< sets up bun stall >

PurpleRomanesco · 09/03/2012 20:51
Maryz · 09/03/2012 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

girliefriend · 09/03/2012 20:51

I'm a single parent and op you are annoying, try having a toddler, a part time job and having to empty bins, cook dinner and do bath and bedtime every night by yourself.

You sound very spoilt....

AnnaFender · 09/03/2012 20:54

How would you feel if you were ill and he left all your 'jobs' till you were better. I would be well pissed off. Yeah he feels better and wants to go to the pub, but he shouldn't have his jobs 'waiting' for him until he is better anyway.

Also, if you have a problem with him going to the pub when there are jobs to do, you should have told him when he asked if it was ok. It's not fair to say you don't mind him going to the pub and then give him a 'stern talking to' when he gets home.

flippinada · 09/03/2012 20:54

I'm baffled by this attitude from some posters of how any man who actually does some chores (like any normal adult does) is regarded as an absolute marvel and his wife/partner must be grateful and how dare she complain etc.

flippinada · 09/03/2012 20:57

I'm a single parent too, girliefriend and do all those things too. I don't think OP sounds remotely spoilt.

OriginalJamie · 09/03/2012 20:58

I don't think she sounds spoiled. I just don't think that telling off an adult is the way to go

RhinosDontEatPancakes · 09/03/2012 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 21:03

Wow this thread blew up!

To answer a few of the questions:

I'm not going to talk about washing/not washing DH's clothes as it always gets silly. It's an arrangement we have between ourselves and it works fine.
We have designated jobs because if we don't DH does little or nothing around the house apart from cooking. As I said before, if I'm ill, nothing gets done apart from cooking.

The jobs I do are: Dusting, hoovering during the week, cleaning the kitchen (DH never cleans the kitchen, and I mean never), mopping, washing DS's clothes, cleaning windows, cleaning the bathroom, washing bedclothes, towels and other household things, tidying up after DS, arranging things like insurance, mortgage etc, paperwork, and anything to do with DS, which involves a million little jobs. If I didn't do these jobs, they just wouldn't get done.
We agreed that DH would empty the bins. It's not an arduous job, and one that he could have done while he was ill considering he went to work as usual.

OriginalJamie, I appreciate the sentiments in your post. Tell the truth, it is a grind at times. I really enjoy looking after DS and I take him out a lot but the housework aspect of things does get to me. I feel like a maid at times, especially when DH does stupid little things like leaving a full bowl of cereal on the counter expecting me to empty the bloody thing and put it in the dishwasher. It's petty but it's really really annoying. I am considering going back to work but it would be a shame to do that just because I'm tired of the housework because chances are I'll still have to do the housework anyway.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 09/03/2012 21:05

I gave one child and one in reception too. It's not anything like a full time job. If it were none of us would manage to mn quite so much.

WorraLiberty · 09/03/2012 21:10

What's the point in listing all the things you do in the day if you're not going to list all the things your DH does in the day?

That just makes it totally one sided.

OriginalJamie · 09/03/2012 21:13

Yes, I see that. Hmm, this is worse than I suspected. He is taking the piss in a way which was not clear before, and I think lots of women do get caught in exactly the position you describe if they go back to work. OTOH, I went back to work recently after 10 years and things have worked out well. Now everyone deals with the dishwasher, DH makes the packed lunches, we share the cooking.

We have a cleaner, and that is very good. To be recommended. Apart from that, things here have divided very much along gender lines - me cleaning and washing. Him home and car maintenance. Childcare - very much shared

But was he like this before you had a child?

Nyac · 09/03/2012 21:16

I don't know how after 40 years of feminism the shitwork is still supposed to be the woman's responsibility if she's got a man in the house, and if he's not pulling his weight then she's just supposed to pick up uncomplainingly.

When is equality going to kick in? Because it hasn't happened yet.

He goes down the pub, she empties the bins he was supposed to empty is not a good deal, not in anybody's book.

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 21:17

DH : Washes his own clothes, does the cooking, empties the bins (now and again), and shares looking after DS when he's here. He also works full time.

Yeah he was always like this OriginalJamie. He is a wonderful man in many ways, and a fantastic father but the housework thing is a pain in the arse.

OP posts:
PurpleRomanesco · 09/03/2012 21:19

TBH Cailin I would just scrap the designated duties arrangement. DP works full time, I'm a SAHM and we just work with what needs done. Like this:

Me: "Oi, What's your face will you empty than bin please?"
DP: "No problem me love, did you wash my kacks today?"

It leaves no room for disappointment and things get done.

WorraLiberty · 09/03/2012 21:19

Yes but 'going to work' doesn't really describe the things he does in as much detail as you've described what you do IYSWIM.

Truckulentagain · 09/03/2012 21:19

I've don't really understand 'car maintenance' in this day and age.

I remember going on holidays in the seventies and cars broke down regularly, so I can understand it for then. We always took various leads and spark-plugs. And my dad and his friend spending hours staring into a bonnet.

But what's car maintenance now? Filling it with petrol?

Nyac · 09/03/2012 21:20

The Politics of Housework

The reason why men don't do housework is because they think it's beneath them. The reason why they leave it to women is because they think women are beneath them.

OriginalJamie · 09/03/2012 21:20

Truck - v old CamperVan. requires lots of maintanance

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 09/03/2012 21:20

Youarenotsilly - "Sorry, but I really have a problem with this constant feminist belittling and beating of others as they do not have the same ideology as you on every single petty thing."

This works the other way too. It's happening to the OP right now. How many replies has she had saying "You are a SAHM and he works, he already does X, Y and Z at home, my husband works twice as long as yours and we have twice as many children as you and I still do the things you aren't doing..."? Lots. And all because they made an arrangement between themselves that he breaks regularly, has to be reminded about, was too ill to complete this week but is well enough to go out straight from work.

They made this arrangement between themselves, he keeps breaking it. Just because it's not an arrangement other people here would consider making, the OP and her husband did make it and now she is being belittled and beaten for having a different ideology about the way they share (or have agreed to share) some chores around the house.

OriginalJamie · 09/03/2012 21:21

Lovely, Lovely Campervan - the source of lots of family fun

PurpleRomanesco · 09/03/2012 21:23

That's one heck of a generalization there Nyac, Last time I checked DP was a man and has no problem with housework. Never has.