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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give DH a stern talking to when he gets home?

629 replies

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 17:44

DH's works full time in a flexible, non-stressful job that he loves, I'm a SAHM to an active but relatively easy going toddler. DH's jobs around the house are: cooking dinner each night (his choice, he loves cooking and hates clearing up), emptying the bins, washing his own clothes and hoovering at the weekend. That's it. Every so often we have a "discussion" about housework (ie I tell him he needs to keep on top of his jobs) he agrees he needs to buck up and he is very good for about a month afterwards. Then, everything slowly starts to slide. If I mention anything there's always an excuse: "I've been very busy," or some such.

This week my patience is wearing thin again. The bins are overflowing, and every week for the last three weeks they've been like that at some point. He's been ill for the last couple of days so I've said nothing and just worked around it because if I say anything I'll get the "I've been ill" and I'll look like a massive bitch. However, not long ago he rang me to ask if it's ok if he goes to the pub for a drink. I said yes even though I was a bit hacked off that I unexpectedly have no help with DS this evening (hate that, but I can deal with it) but more so because those bloody bins have been driving me nuts all week, I've said nothing because he's "ill" and now the poor "ill" baby is off to the pub!!! Grrrr!!

Am I being petty or should I tell him I've had enough of this? I mean, emptying the bins isn't too much to do of an evening is it??

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 09/03/2012 17:57

Back - it's his choice to cook, I often offer but he says no. He's home at 5 at the latest every day so we're both on duty from then on. If he wasn't cooking he'd be putting DS to bed so it's much of a muchness really.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/03/2012 17:57

Oh god I realise this will probably turn into a massive feminist issue but really....

You're Husband and Wife...a partnership...two people who are supposed to actually love each other.

If he was too ill to empty the bins, then what on earth was wrong with simply emptying them yourself?

I did the washing yesterday. If I had been too ill to do it, my DH would have done it without batting an eyelid.

He certainly wouldn't have let it 'drive him nuts all week' and then end up moaning about it on an internet forum.

SnapesOnAPlane · 09/03/2012 17:59

No, YANBU.
I'd dig my heels in and wait for him to do his agreed share too. I think emptying them over his car might be a bit much, though :o.

Original poster
CailinDana · 09/03/2012 17:59

Thing is though, Worra, if I was ill, DS would be looked after but absolutely nothing else would get done. I definitely do not want to get into a situation where I do absolutely everything around the house and even if DH agrees to do a job I end up doing it anyway.

OP posts:
Maryz · 09/03/2012 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleRomanesco · 09/03/2012 17:59

What's so wrong with him cooking? He's hardly down t'mine all day!

Or is he?

mumblechum1 · 09/03/2012 18:00

I think you should certainly tell him that he needs to remember to puit the bins out, but there's no need to make a big deal about it.

Last night I shifted a ton (literally) of logs off the driveway because dh has a trapped nerve in his shoulder and can't do it.

It's no biggy, I know he'd do the same for me if I was ill and has done in the past. Marriage is all about doing stuff to make the other person's life a bit easier imo. It shouldn't be one way, obviously, but it sounds as if your dh does quite a lot given that he's working full time and you're not.

WorraLiberty · 09/03/2012 18:01

Then you need to speak to him about that...but letting the bins drive you mad all week when you're at home all day, every day is way OTT in my opinion.

If you end up doing the jobs that your DH has agreed to do anyway, then more fool you.

blondieminx · 09/03/2012 18:01

I swear my DH just doesn't notice mess in the same way I do ... but if I say "can you just sort X for me please" he always does it. Don't sweat the small stuff, just ASK him to do his jobs in a neutral tone. Yes I know it's boring to repeat yourself but for the sake of a small verbal nudge it'll get it done.

Though if you've asked tomorrow and he still hasn't done it by lunchtime I'd say "you agreed you'd put the bins out but despite me reminding you it still hasn't been done... Are you intending for me to get fed up and do it myself?"

If you ask him to do something directly, he infers he's too ill and then goes out on the piss, then that's taking the piss at which point I'd be unleashing the active toddler in the direction of his hangover Grin

sunshineandbooks · 09/03/2012 18:02

Housework is not a petty thing. Some people can take it to ridiculous levels, but as a general rule, a certain amount has to be done, otherwise we would get sick, starve and run out of clean clothes. Try not doing anything for a week and you'll see what I mean.

Then think about how much you do. Don't forget to factor in the mental time spent organising it - e.g. we'll have to do the shopping on thursday because the money goes in wednesday. Are there toilet rolls in the cupboard - I'll just go and check. What are we going to eat this week and do we need extra for packed lunches or guests? Have I remembered to take the mince out of the freezer for tomorrow's spaghetti bolognaise? There was only half a pint of milk left in the fridge when I left the house earlier so I'd better get some more on the way home or the DC won't have any for their cereal.

Housework (particularly when you factor in the organising as well as the doing) is time-consuming. It is also boring and repetitive. Yet it needs doing. When someone is doing less than their fair share anyway, can't be relied on to do it without prompting or evasion, and then can't be bothered to do it all on the pretext of being ill (though not ill enough to stay in), it is selfish behaviour and very disrespectful.

I bet the people who take this approach rarely take the same approach with their work. It's about priorities and knowing that someone else is prepared to work extra hard in order to facilitate your laziness.

Original poster
CailinDana · 09/03/2012 18:07

Well said sunshine, that's how I feel.

I've said to DH before that I find the situation really infuriating because I have two choices - I can do the job myself and just resentfully accept that I'm going to be responsible for all the shit jobs in the house and he'll just do the cooking, which he enjoys, or I can nag him about it and look like a petty bitch who can't let something small go. Ideally what I'd like him to do is just take that one shit job and do it without me having to police him all the time.

OP posts:
Maryz · 09/03/2012 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

startail · 09/03/2012 18:11

He cooks and does his own laundry and you are moaning about bins.

Every couple on the planet point scores over emptying bins. Most of us don't get our tea cooked.

lechatnoir · 09/03/2012 18:14

Given he was ill I think I would have just emptied it but now he's clearly better enjoy the peace, get an early night & leave him a little note:

"Hope u had a good night sorry I didn't wait up.
Xxx
Ps your turn for a lie-in tomorrow if I can have one Sunday Grin
PPs DON'T FORGET THE BINS!!!!!!!!"

FauxFox · 09/03/2012 18:16

Has he ever done any housework not within his 'remit'? Has he ever washed up or put some of your laundry in with his or hung your wet washing out so he could put his load on or ironed anything of yours? If not and you rigidly stick to your set jobs never to stray into the others territory no matter how sensible it would be to just help each other out then YANBU (but I feel sorry for you both).

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 09/03/2012 18:17

Empty the bins, then phone up the beauty salon and book a day's treatments

Why is his washing done separately to yours though....

My DH is now just about "trained" to do his jobs without me having to nag, it has only taken me 25 years!

Shutupanddrive · 09/03/2012 18:17

Oh for god' s sake just empty the bin yourself! He works full time and cooks every night Hmm

WhereEaglesDare · 09/03/2012 18:18

Are you for real???? Just wandering

MrsEricBana · 09/03/2012 18:19

So he works full time, cooks all the evening meals, washes his own clothes, hoovers and puts out the bins normally and you are a SAHM? Erm, YADBU.

youarenotsilly · 09/03/2012 18:24

AnyFucker

What exactly is a "HandMaiden".

I'm sorry, but I think you are insulting others deliberately and trying to belittle them for having a different opinion to you.

Sorry, but I really have a problem with this constant feminist belittling and beating of others as they do not have the same ideology as you on every single petty thing.

Its a bin. Some people think the OP was being petty as her DH was ill and shes out to prove a petty point. Thats the end of it.

That does not make them somehow bowing down to their husband. It drives me crazy that it has to be brought into every single thing and it has to be a bullying put down and use of a certain type of language to accompany a different point of view.

There is this space in between the black and white called grey.

sunshineandbooks · 09/03/2012 18:26

Should I be grateful my boyfriend doesn't beat me up or do I expect nothing else as a bare minimum? Housework is no different. Just because the DH does more than some men doesn't mean he's doing an acceptable amount. Especially as he doesn't do it without prompting - or even at all sometimes it seems.

ButteryBiscuitBase · 09/03/2012 18:27

A quote from the book "don't sweat the small stuff"

"Instead of arguing about whose turn it is to take out the trash, why not just take out the trash?"

Another,

"Try being kind instead of being right."

LadyAgnes · 09/03/2012 18:27

I like lechatnoir's approach - not making a big big deal out of it, but making it clear he's still expected to do it.

It's (shamefully) pretty much the other way rond in my household - I'm a terrible slattern Grin and DP is a very tidy and clean person. I honestly don't see mess and rubbish as soon as he does. It annoys him a lot to remind me and I try very hard to remember but sometimes it's just not on my radar. If it was me DP would have emptied the bins and then swapped a job he doesn't like with me to make up i.e. 'Well LadyAgnes as I had to empty the bins again you can do the bathroom.'

Also, I don't think you should be getting a hard time about moaning about it. Housework is one of those things that seems small but when you're tired it becomes something to focus on and get ragey over. Happens to everyone :)

mumblechum1 · 09/03/2012 18:29

youarenotsilly and butterybiscuitbase, my thoughts exactly!

Seona1973 · 09/03/2012 18:31

I dont get why he has to do his own laundry - if you are washing clothes during the day do you pick your stuff out from around his? I just put everything in together after splitting into colours, whites, etc. If the bin gets full during the day when I am in I will empty them rather than leave them until they smell. Dh is normally in charge of taking them out the front of the house on bin days. He does the cooking too.