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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to give DH a stern talking to when he gets home?

629 replies

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 17:44

DH's works full time in a flexible, non-stressful job that he loves, I'm a SAHM to an active but relatively easy going toddler. DH's jobs around the house are: cooking dinner each night (his choice, he loves cooking and hates clearing up), emptying the bins, washing his own clothes and hoovering at the weekend. That's it. Every so often we have a "discussion" about housework (ie I tell him he needs to keep on top of his jobs) he agrees he needs to buck up and he is very good for about a month afterwards. Then, everything slowly starts to slide. If I mention anything there's always an excuse: "I've been very busy," or some such.

This week my patience is wearing thin again. The bins are overflowing, and every week for the last three weeks they've been like that at some point. He's been ill for the last couple of days so I've said nothing and just worked around it because if I say anything I'll get the "I've been ill" and I'll look like a massive bitch. However, not long ago he rang me to ask if it's ok if he goes to the pub for a drink. I said yes even though I was a bit hacked off that I unexpectedly have no help with DS this evening (hate that, but I can deal with it) but more so because those bloody bins have been driving me nuts all week, I've said nothing because he's "ill" and now the poor "ill" baby is off to the pub!!! Grrrr!!

Am I being petty or should I tell him I've had enough of this? I mean, emptying the bins isn't too much to do of an evening is it??

OP posts:
everlong · 09/03/2012 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wordfactory · 09/03/2012 18:32

Please please don't have a big row about the bins!

A marriage works precisely because the couple don't argue about such stuff.

Of cours eit's annoying that he hasn't done it. But perhaps he's really pissed off at somehting you haven't or have done!

And don't row about him going out. If you didn't want him to, you should have said so. I would hate it if my DH did that to me.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 09/03/2012 18:33

"Instead of arguing about whose turn it is to take out the trash, why not just take out the trash?"

...Because then the same person ends up taking the rubbish out every time? Confused

ivykaty44 · 09/03/2012 18:35

do husbands really phone their wives and ask if they can go to the pub?

DialsMavis · 09/03/2012 18:35

I am being your DH this week.... been complaining bitterly about how exhausted I am and how I have too much to do. I have already snaffled the much sought after Sat am lay in... but now I have decided to go round to a friends for some wine when DP gets home from a long day at work. I feel crap and it is just what I need ... DP understands this, although even I won't have the cheek to complain about a hang over if I end up with one... won't see him for long before I swan off to my exercise class at lunch time tomorrow anyway. I love my DP, I do. But, I would do exactly the same for him... we have got each others backs you see...

wordfactory · 09/03/2012 18:36

I hope so ivy. A matter of curtesy surely. I would certainly run my plans past DH to ensure they didn't conflict with other plans that might be in place.

sunshineandbooks · 09/03/2012 18:36

OP is a SAHM not a maid. If her child-caring responsibilities allow her to do more than basic household tasks, great. But that's not why she's at home. And again, if putting out the bins is such a minor thing that's no trouble to do, how come the DH regularly doesn't do it and needs constant reminding?

my2centsis · 09/03/2012 18:37

Does no one else think this sounds like OP it the mum of a teenager??

give him a stern talking to when he gets home
his job to empty the bins and wash his own clothes
rang me to ask if he can go play with his friends after work

OP your not his mother, get a grip.

I find this thread reallly odd

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 09/03/2012 18:37

I can't believe there are so many people saying 'he does loads' - he's home by 5pm and all he does of an evening is cook dinner (which he enjoys doing), he's supposed to hoover at the weekend, do his own laundry and empty the bins when necessary - it's hardly a lot for a grown adult to do around their own bloody home and he's not even doing that!

I wouldn't let the bins overflow though, I just can't stand it, so I'd do it.

I would be asking him why he feels that he should be exempt from doing anything around his home except cooking (which he chooses to do to avoid the much harder job of cleaning up!!) and why, exactly, he feels I should be acting like his housemaid.

UntamedShrew · 09/03/2012 18:38

Gah the bins! I hate the bins. Only thing DH and I squabble about. Last week we had a modern art sculpture of various recyclable boxes and bottles, covering an entire work top.

Every time I walked past it I was Hmm at him and eventually caved and did them myself. At which point steam escaping from my ears and barking at the 3 DCs. Angry

This weekend I will not be so weak in the battle of wills Grin

So... YANBU.

Lucca · 09/03/2012 18:39

Really?? All this over a bin?? FFS go and empty the bin and save your "stern warnings" for when it really matters.

HHHHHHmmm realising pot calling kettle here, must take own advice....

wordfactory · 09/03/2012 18:40

I don't think it's got anyhting to do with who works or who is a SAHM. It's simply not worth having stand up rows about such trivia. Life is too short.

jalopy · 09/03/2012 18:41

Cailin, I think you need to get out more.

runningforthebusinheels · 09/03/2012 18:42

Hang on, if I've read the op properly, the dh has gone to the pub, having been 'too ill' to do one of his agreed jobs? YANBU.

It doesn't really matter what other MNetters do housework or chore division-wise or what they think is fair. OP and her dh have agreed this way of doing things and he's welched. He didn't just welch either, he welched and then went down the pub.

fabwoman · 09/03/2012 18:42

Does he, or would he, ever do your jobs if you were too ill/didn't notice/couldn't be arsed?

I think it appears a petty thing to be worked up about, is there more to it?

DH and I don't really have defined jobs other than he goes out to work and I got the kids to school and pick them up. I do most of the washing/ironing/shoppng and cooking as I am in the house for more hours than him but if on a Saturday morning there was a mountain of washing he would just put it on. He brings home any shopping I want any time I ask for it and he will always cook if I don't fancy doing so.

It is pretty irrelevant really who does what job out side the home and how stressful it is. You both live in the house so should both help run it imo.

RhinosDontEatPancakes · 09/03/2012 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lechatnoir · 09/03/2012 18:44

Urrrm yes ivy DH does and so do I - common courtesey IMO. So do you/your OH just not come home & leave everyone guessing where you are then?!

MrsEricBana · 09/03/2012 18:45

Sunshine, I am a SAHM and I would disagree - yes childcare is part of my role but so are a lot of the household duties as dh is out working and earning and I'm not. He has his job and I have mine. If I was out working and dh was at home I would certainly hope he would do most of the home stuff. Is this wrong then??

motherinferior · 09/03/2012 18:45

If the bins are so damn trivial, he can empty them, surely?

Don't see why the OP should be a doormat.

sunshineandbooks · 09/03/2012 18:46

wordfactory as a general approach to life I'd agree. But when it comes to housework that approach nearly always leads to one person doing more than their fair share. I find that disrespectful in the same way I would be fed up with a colleague who expected me to do some of their work for them.

ShatnersBassoon · 09/03/2012 18:46

He didn't just welch either, he welched and then went down the pub.

But the op had the chance to say "No you can't go to the pub because there are bins that need emptying here. You were too ill to do them earlier in the week, but now you are recovered so please come home."

She could have so easily put a stop to this madness. I would be exhausted at the end of the day if such inconsequential matters upset me.

jelliebelly · 09/03/2012 18:48

There's got to be more to this surely? Just empty the bins if they bother you that much. Not as though your dh doesn't generally do his fair share is it?

motherinferior · 09/03/2012 18:49

So what we are saying is that oooh housework is (a) essentially trivial, which is why the OP should be doing it (WOMAN, KNOW YOUR PLACE!) (b) terribly tough, which is why the OP should be doing it (WOMAN, KNOW YOUR PLACE!) Just like pretty well all MN threads on housework or cooking, really.

OriginalJamie · 09/03/2012 18:49

Yanbu

I suppose I find the jobs thing surprising. I think me and dh just do what needs doing without a formal allocation of duties.

Nanny0gg · 09/03/2012 18:50

What are your jobs, OP?

And (just genuinely curious) what is the point of one person washing their own clothes? Ironing, yes, I understand. But surely it's more economical to wash everyone's clothes so that you make enough of a load?

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