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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to give DH a stern talking to when he gets home?

629 replies

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 17:44

DH's works full time in a flexible, non-stressful job that he loves, I'm a SAHM to an active but relatively easy going toddler. DH's jobs around the house are: cooking dinner each night (his choice, he loves cooking and hates clearing up), emptying the bins, washing his own clothes and hoovering at the weekend. That's it. Every so often we have a "discussion" about housework (ie I tell him he needs to keep on top of his jobs) he agrees he needs to buck up and he is very good for about a month afterwards. Then, everything slowly starts to slide. If I mention anything there's always an excuse: "I've been very busy," or some such.

This week my patience is wearing thin again. The bins are overflowing, and every week for the last three weeks they've been like that at some point. He's been ill for the last couple of days so I've said nothing and just worked around it because if I say anything I'll get the "I've been ill" and I'll look like a massive bitch. However, not long ago he rang me to ask if it's ok if he goes to the pub for a drink. I said yes even though I was a bit hacked off that I unexpectedly have no help with DS this evening (hate that, but I can deal with it) but more so because those bloody bins have been driving me nuts all week, I've said nothing because he's "ill" and now the poor "ill" baby is off to the pub!!! Grrrr!!

Am I being petty or should I tell him I've had enough of this? I mean, emptying the bins isn't too much to do of an evening is it??

OP posts:
WhiteTrash · 10/03/2012 22:10

Why is 'living alone' even relevant? If he DID live alone both (ex)p's woukd be doing more its a moot point.

Fact, its easy looking after one child, one house. Unless you have three (plus) kids witg a 4 (Plus) bedroom house to clean then I have no sympathy. You both have jobs! Beinf a SAHM to one child is easy.

poohbearrocks · 10/03/2012 22:12
  1. My dh goes out so rarely I would be really pleased he had gone to the pub with some friends and would not even think twice about doing 'his' housework job of the night...and he would not think twice about doing 'my' job if I went out.
  1. making the bin emptying one person's 'job' is a rubbish idea - when it if full it needs emptying
  1. Having designated jobs to make things clear and avoid arguments could work well, but the person at home most should do most of the needed when they are needed jobs and the person who is home least should have the 'as long as they are done once a week' type jobs.
  1. Him reading while you clean the kitchen - that is more of an issue for me than the bin, unless of course you get to mumsnet while he is hoovering? His contribution t the household is as valuable as yours but leisure time split is a more accurate way of examining fairness. Reckon you should start negotiation again from that point OP
  1. Perhaps most importantly it strikes me that neither of you acknowledge the other's contribution. Housework is mind numbingly tedious and soul destroying. Does he know this OP?
  1. I think your (justifiable) fear is largely that of the future; going to work outside the home and still shouldering most of the responsibility at home. Have you talked about this - he might have no idea at all, or he might have some ideas about how to reassure you.
CailinDana · 10/03/2012 22:14

It's really odd that on the one hand I've been told by a few posters that I'm doing too much housework and on the other I'm being told that I'm lazy! Which one is it? I don't think I'm lazy, not at all. The alternative to the arrangement we have at the moment is that DH comes home at 5, plays with DS, sits on his arse while I put DS to bed and make the dinner, sits on his arse some more while I tidy up, and basically does nothing around the house. I don't see how anyone would want that.

OP posts:
Maryz · 10/03/2012 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhiteTrash · 10/03/2012 22:27

I agree pooh, I showed my DP The OP and asked what he thought as I realised that its very much me that assumed the 'me jane' role as he works. He shrugged his shoulders and said 'why is emptying the bins anyones job? When its full and your there its your (i.e the person there) job.'

Gawd love him.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 10/03/2012 22:29

Cailin -as I have said from the beginning of your thread. He's a lazy fucker!

... and if I am going to be very blunt, he's not a brilliant Dad either if he wont clear up after his DS and wouldn't change his nappy without much nagging.

It's not even about 'jobs/housework' as such, it's about the basics of picking up after yourself and cleaning up after a meal.

He's a lazy fucker that needs a good kick up the arse before you even think about having another child.

WhiteTrash · 10/03/2012 22:34

You cannot seriously say hes 'lazy' when he works full time.

differentnameforthis · 10/03/2012 22:37

emptying the bins isn't too much to do of an evening is it??

No it isn't, so why don't you do it?

I hate this "my job, his job" crap. In this house, if it needs doing, you do it. That includes my 8 & 3 yr olds too.

bannedinaminute · 10/03/2012 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 10/03/2012 22:48

WhiteTrash - yes I bloody well can. He has 6 hours between getting home and getting to bed and all he does is take over cooking the dinner - big fucking deal. How many adults work full time and get to please themselves for 6 hours every evening without having to do any jobs/tidying/cleaning??

abrakebabra · 10/03/2012 22:55

"The alternative to the arrangement we have at the moment is that DH comes home at 5, plays with DS, sits on his arse while I put DS to bed and make the dinner, sits on his arse some more while I tidy up, and basically does nothing around the house. I don't see how anyone would want that."

That's not the alternative at all, you just need to divide the jobs as they arise.

So one of you puts DH to be and the other makes dinner. One of you tidies while the other empties the bins and hoovers.

Emptying the bins being 'his job' is plain madness. Just empty it when he isn't there and he can do something else when he is there.

abrakebabra · 10/03/2012 22:56

oops, one of you puts DS to bed...

WhiteTrash · 10/03/2012 22:58

It must (of course) depend on your partners job and how much hard you thinl they work in said job (within reason. I still believe a SAHM's job is the house work included).

But my partner gets in at 5.15 to dinner, he washes up if im still feeding the baby, he then baths and beda the oldest will I do the youngest, we're downstaira with kids asleep by 6.40pm amd I do all night shifts because he works.

When I go work it'll be very different. Until then it IS lazy to not do the house work whem you're a SAHM.

amarone · 10/03/2012 23:01

What's wrong with you people?! OP = SAHM, DH = works full time, but still cooks every night, various household duties, etc. What does OP do with her time at home with ONE toddler?!

AyeRobot · 10/03/2012 23:05

abrekebabra, if he is not doing this at the moment, how do you suggest she gets him to do it without nagging or stage managing the whole shebang (which makes the thinking about what needs to be done bit still her job)?

He doesn't want to do it, otherwise he'd be doing it now. Some think that is reasonable, others don't. The OP is frustrated because he agrees to stuff and then doesn't do it. I'm sure most of us would think that is a bit off. The alternative is that he cuts the crap and actually says that he thinks all her job.

abrakebabra · 10/03/2012 23:08

How about "DH, would you like to put DS to bed or would you like to make dinner?" Or..."I'm going to make dinner while you put DS to bed" or "I'd like to put DS to bed tonight so could you make dinner"?

AyeRobot · 10/03/2012 23:08

But he's like some of you - won't actually come out and say "He is working and she is not and therefore he's paying for her to child mind and clean up after him". That's what you mean, isn't it?

ledkr · 10/03/2012 23:10

OP= job is to look after child
OP'S DH= job is to go to work.
Housework- to be shared between both parties. Easy.

NowThenWreck · 10/03/2012 23:17

Wow. I have read the whole thread, in between real life stuff (over the last 4 hours).
A lotta vitriol.
I have to confess, when I first read the OP, I thought "get over yerself woman-what a good husband!"
But then having read her very reasonable explainations, and really thinking about the issues involved (and the issue is NOT just about a full bin bag) I think YANBU.
In my fantasy life I work 9-5 in a job I like, am home by 5.30, kiss my husband and child, cook a lovely meal and take out the bin. Everything else is done.

I dont have to clean the bathroom, pay bills, wash the dishes, do anyones laundry but my own(I wouldnt let anyone do my laundry anyway!).
I don't clean the kitchen, the windows, do the garden, dust, organise anything domestically.
Sounds pretty good to me!
If I didn't do my few jobs, and just left them for my husband to do, and went down the pub, I would imagine he might find that a bit unfair.

In reality, I do every single thing in my household, and it's very wearing, but that doesnt mean that if I chose to share my life with a partner I wouldn't expect them to behave like an adult and do their jobs without being told.

And I think it's the "without being told" that is the key thing here.
No -one want to feel like they have to be the one doling out the chores.

However, I also echo what maryz said, and think you need to get out more.

AyeRobot · 10/03/2012 23:18

Don't be silly, ledkr.

NowThenWreck · 10/03/2012 23:20

"Emptying the bins being 'his job' is plain madness. Just empty it when he isn't there and he can do something else when he is there."

But thats the thing abra. He won't just do other chores. She would have to tell him to do them. Thats why they have specific jobs.

amarone · 10/03/2012 23:33

Specific jobs... WTH. Sometimes I wonder why people bother getting into marriage/civil partnerships/any other relationship...

NowThenWreck · 10/03/2012 23:36

The regular sex?

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 10/03/2012 23:39

Anyone else watching BBC2 ???

Cailin - you should be watching it then you could see where you are going wrong.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 10/03/2012 23:41

whitetrash - what housework is he actually doing? Hoovering once at the weekend & occasionally emptying the bin when nagged enough? Big fucking deal.