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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to give DH a stern talking to when he gets home?

629 replies

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 17:44

DH's works full time in a flexible, non-stressful job that he loves, I'm a SAHM to an active but relatively easy going toddler. DH's jobs around the house are: cooking dinner each night (his choice, he loves cooking and hates clearing up), emptying the bins, washing his own clothes and hoovering at the weekend. That's it. Every so often we have a "discussion" about housework (ie I tell him he needs to keep on top of his jobs) he agrees he needs to buck up and he is very good for about a month afterwards. Then, everything slowly starts to slide. If I mention anything there's always an excuse: "I've been very busy," or some such.

This week my patience is wearing thin again. The bins are overflowing, and every week for the last three weeks they've been like that at some point. He's been ill for the last couple of days so I've said nothing and just worked around it because if I say anything I'll get the "I've been ill" and I'll look like a massive bitch. However, not long ago he rang me to ask if it's ok if he goes to the pub for a drink. I said yes even though I was a bit hacked off that I unexpectedly have no help with DS this evening (hate that, but I can deal with it) but more so because those bloody bins have been driving me nuts all week, I've said nothing because he's "ill" and now the poor "ill" baby is off to the pub!!! Grrrr!!

Am I being petty or should I tell him I've had enough of this? I mean, emptying the bins isn't too much to do of an evening is it??

OP posts:
HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 10/03/2012 19:32

What appalling behaviour? Confused

AyeRobot · 10/03/2012 19:33

Seriously, help me out here. There are a certain amount of tasks to do in a week, a rough guideline of which I gave up there. The OP's DP does less than if he were living on his own and working(he doesn't shop, for eg), yet he also has a child. And some people are still staying he's doing too much and the OP not enough?

Not to mentioned that he AGREED. Isn't that what loads of you are saying should happen? Well it did. Now what?

Covetingmychildrenseyelashes · 10/03/2012 19:39

A fair share of the housework doesn't mean doing half; it means doing an amount that is reasonable given yours and your DP's other responsibilities. However, it's crucial that the division is fair to all parties.

If you've agreed an allocation of tasks then - as other posters have said - your DP should stick to it, or discuss it with you. It doesn't sound like he objects to putting out the bins but, as he's agreed to take responsibility for doing so, he shouldn't need constant reminders. He should just get on with the job, as I'm sure the OP does with her tasks.

Covetingmychildrenseyelashes · 10/03/2012 19:40

And what ayerobot said

Jnice · 10/03/2012 19:42

Act appallingly? Who is doing this?

CailinDana · 10/03/2012 19:43

DH doesn't "stagger in the door" at the end of the day. He's usually home by 5/5:30 at the latest after a half hour commute on the bus. I don't see why I should continue working while he does nothing. Cooking is his contribution.

OP posts:
OriginalJamie · 10/03/2012 19:44

That is really early - he's lucky

CailinDana · 10/03/2012 20:04

I agree Jamie. He has a relatively short working week. It's a responsible job, but he manages his time well and doesn't go overboard with it.

Well, we've talked. I told him that if he's not going to do the jobs he's agreed to do then he needs to tell me that, not just not do them. He agreed and said sorry. I also said I'm taking over the cooking from next week and he can do the clearing up, which he was fine with. I also said I'd appreciate it if he'd just do little jobs around the place when he can, like filling the dishwasher and replacing the bathroom towel. Again, all good. So, his jobs are now, clearing up after dinner, emptying the bins, hoovering at weekends and other little jobs.

Whether he'll stick to that is another matter.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 10/03/2012 20:09

Moln

Big woop, you look after a few thousand children - they mostly entertain themselves.

And you do a bit of housework for your "neighbours", what's that one street? Woop de bloody doo!

My house is a right kip and I don't see you lifting a finger to clean it.

I have a full time job! AND I stagger everywhere!

slovenlydotcom · 10/03/2012 20:24

I haven't read the whole thread so forgive me if you have answered this , why does he have to have 'his jobs'. Why so structured?

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 10/03/2012 20:27

Well as far ad I can see, slovenly, it is because he wouldn't do anything unless asked (and even then appears to pick and choose the jobs he wants to do) which is pretty exhausting for the OP.

AyeRobot · 10/03/2012 20:28

Fingers crossed, Cailin.

What if he doesn't clear up? Will you do it the next day? Would taking it in turns each night (with flexibility depending on what everyone is doing) not be more of a meeting in the middle option?

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 10/03/2012 20:31

OP, tbh I think you have ended up doing more of the work after your chat. Do you really think he is going to do these odd jobs, off his own back without you asking? He hasn't shown any inclination up to now.

runningforthebusinheels · 10/03/2012 20:34

I'd soooo rather cook than clear up Grin But he better do it properly...

CailinDana · 10/03/2012 20:37

Exactly running. Clearing up is such a bloody pain, I just want a chance not to do it for a while!

OP posts:
HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 10/03/2012 20:39

True running! I'd also like to be able to cook without having to meal plan, shop and clear up too (like the husband used to).

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 10/03/2012 20:41

Well good luck OP. At least you are talking about it and maybe you'll get some improvement.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 10/03/2012 21:27

Cailin - your DH does feck all around the house. Don't be brow beaten into thinking otherwise. He hoovers once a week, sometimes empties the bin and mostly cooks dinner. Big deal - it's nothing. I can't believe anyone thinks that's loads - they must live in complete shit tips. It will be interesting to see if your new agreement works.

Frankly, I doubt it will. He never clears up after himself, never clears up after DS, never clears up after all of you. Never. How 'entitled' is that?? He just expects you to do it.... there's no way I could live with someone like that, someone who wont just clear up after lunch, who will feed a child and leave the mess there - it's just so bloody rude.

mingofmongo · 10/03/2012 21:36

"So, his jobs are now, clearing up after dinner, emptying the bins, hoovering at weekends and other little jobs."

Glad you recognized his contribution OP.

WhiteTrash · 10/03/2012 21:46

As a SAHM whos DP works 8-5 mon-fri, I think you're being lazy.

With regards to equality, surely his job is there and yours is at home (taking weekends out the equation).

You've got one child to look after. One.

MrsHeffley · 10/03/2012 21:48

Totally agree WhiteTrash

WhiteTrash · 10/03/2012 21:49

It took me frigging ages to write amd send my post so its pretty much irrevant now!

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 10/03/2012 21:56

Jesus fecking christ - all the man does in the week is cook dinner (now supposedly clean up after dinner instead) & occasionally - when nagged enough - put out the bin. At the weekend he hoovers & does his laundry. Why is he being lauded as some bloody saint????

AyeRobot · 10/03/2012 22:00

He does less than he would do if he lived on his own. How does that make the OP lazy?

AyeRobot · 10/03/2012 22:06

Oh, I get it now. She should be doing all of the work AND the childcare, because he is paying her for it. Anything he does over and above the earning bit is an actual bonus.

Is that how it goes? I'm sure I asked earlier for some clarity on what some of you think should be happening. Perhaps ^^ will prompt a response.