To tell my husband (h) that he is not coming to the birth?

[Upsetme]

I have namechanged for this as if I go through with my threat then this post might out me to family and friends.

For the last 8 years (since we conceived dc1) my husband has been 'trying' to give up smoking. He refuses to seek any professional help or even to speak to his GP about it (the GP does not even know that he smokes as h has always denied it in any medical appointment). The longest time he has ever 'given up' for during this 8 year period is about 10 months. He always relapses though, smokes for a bit then says he will try again. He then manages a few months before smoking again. It is also very relevant to add that he never admits to smoking - I smell it on him, he lies to my face and denies it for about 5 mins before finally cracking and confessing.

I am now full term pregnant with dc4. Over my pregnancy the smoking has been happening more and more frequently. For the last 3 weeks h has smoked about 4 days a week. I can't stress how upset I am with him. I hate the smoking, I hate the fact it will most likely kill him, I hate his lies. There is nothing that I lie to him about whereas he sees nothing wrong in lying to me over and over again. the smell makes me feel sick and I can't stand to be near him.

I told him last week that if he smoked again, I would not let him come to the birth of this baby. I don't want him covered in chemicals around my newborn baby plus I don't want him there full stop. It has got to the stage where it is destroying our relationship. If he is able to lie about this, what else is he lying about? He came in from work yesterday stinking of cigarettes. I intend to tell him this evening that i am going to speak to my midwife and have strict instuctions left for the maternity wing that he is not to be given access to me or the baby at any point that I am in hospital.

I think I am being fair but would welcome the opinions of others. I am so upset and hormonal it would be useful to see what the general consensus is.

Sock puppet was the first thing that sprang to mind, actually, Booy. Then irony

OP - you won't be back to see this but... YABVVVVVU

This is a really strange thread and if you really feel like this there's more to it than you're telling on here. I can't believe you're going to lie to midwives and your children to get your own way.

You decided to have kids with him. You knew he smoked. You knew he hadn't stopped like you ordered him to after no1, so if it was really that important to you then why did you go on to have nos 2, 3 and now impending no 4?

I'm

I smoked for thirty years 30 a day, up until five weeks ago.

I now use an eCigarette I get the nicotine which is what you get addicted to but not the tar or the tobacco, I never smell, its half the price too.

I just did not want to smell anymore plus the cost.

I tried patches they make you feel worse, there is a pill called Champix it works but you have to want to give up smoking.

I would suggest he tries Vapping, i.e using an eCig, you can smoke it in pubs and at work too it releases a vapour but it is not harmful and does not smell, you also cannot get cancer from using an eCigarette.

Why not suggest he tries that?

ah the old sock puppet. i actually thought we'd already had a few further upthread.

Not if she/he/it refreshed she/he/it's IP adress and registered under a different email address.

also, i think the post would need to be reported for MNHQ to even be aware of it.

I feel really sorry for you. I don't think people (especially smokers) understand the terror non smoking partners feel. Its not about controlling someone its about a deep love that fears that person will die and leave you as a result of smoking.

I felt like this about DH who continued to smoke and didnt die of lung cancer as I'd feared, but had a massive heart attack at 42 which nearly killed him. He's never smoked since but the damage is done. My older brother is now terminally ill with lung cancer

It is unreasonable to ask he be denied the birth of his child, but I totally see your POV. Only advice I can give is to support him when he is ready. Endless nagging and threats are just counter productive

Hi I have posted a message on page 11. Its disgusting all the grief you've had! People are willfully misunderstanding you. Probably all smokers.

Honestly; there's so many people on here - lots of so obvious men too if you ask me, masquerading as women - or even worse - women so screwed up they resort to the language of the gutter.

I suggest we leave these people to their own strange underclass coping mechanisms and return to higher topics?

No good ever became of ever trying to make a silk purse out of a Pig's ear....

"Anyone would think that being present at the birth of his child was essential for father and baby bonding."

It's not about deciding not to have him at the birth. It's the fact that the decision has been taken to punish him for not doing what the op wants and for also deciding she will try to stop him from seeing the newborn baby at all while it's in hospital.

sneezecake you have to click 'message poster' to send them a private message.

petuniawhat an odd post. what do you mean by obvious men? are male posters supposed to declare their gender before posting? also, "lots of so obvious men too if you ask me, masquerading as women - or even worse - women so screwed up they resort to the language of the gutter " are you saying that foul language is only for men and that women shouldn't use it?

First time ever posting. Have to say that some of these comments are so unpleasant and soooo not what I was expcting from MN. Really disappointed that pepole are so vile on what should be a supportive and constructive forum.

No, this is absolutely not about smokers vs non smokers it's about people who think its OK to manipulate your their partners and children and people who do not think that's OK

expecting people.

OP - how about trying having an honest, grown up conversation with him?

Along the lines on "H, I know you are smoking, please don't insult me by lying, I actually find the lying worse. So, here's how we're going to cope with it, you don't smoke in the house. If you've been smoking outside the house you have a shower the minute you walk in the door to get rid of the smell. You never smoke when with the children.

Right now, you've lied to me so much I'm not sure I can trust you to be my birth partner, so I'm going to ask my mum/best friend/doula to be there with me, if you prove you can avoid lying between now and then and act supportively, I'll have you there."

Then tell him you'll support him quitting, and if he wants to talk about it, you'll listen.

That said, the fact that he's managed to quit for 10 months then started again would suggest he's a weak person, he's long managed to get over the physical addition and out of 'the habit' over that length of time, it's odd to chose to start again after that long.

you've had sex with this man, all the while smoking

Now that would be really impressive. It is customary to wait until after a bout of how's your father to light up.

Does it require strategically placed ashtrays.

been there, yes it does.

Well I am going to stick my neck out here even though the OP has left the thread.

A woman in labour needs someone she trusts to support her. Clearly that's not the case here. I don't think that habitual lying is ever acceptable in a marriage, whether that's about smoking or anything else. Yes, it's his choice to smoke - but he should have the balls to tell his wife that he cannot or will not give up, and together they can work out how they deal with the effect on the marriage, or they can agree that the smoking is too big an issue to overcome. Yes, the OP has had children with him- that's because he has given up several times over the years, and she trusted what he said at the time. How come it's apparently acceptable to repeatedly lie to your wife about smoking, but not about drinking or taking drugs or using prostitutes or sleeping with other women ? So yes, it would seem that trust issues are a genuine problem in the relationship.

As has previously been said many times on MN, when a woman is giving birth her needs and those of the baby are paramount. The rights of the father are a long way down the list. If you are physically revolted by smoking, then going through labour with the smell of smoke all around is likely to make you feel awful ( the smell of smoke makes me feel sick at the best of times; I would have probably vomited copiously if I had smelt smoke while in labour. And it is that noticeable , despite what smokers choose to believe, especially during pregnancy when certain senses are heightened).

Maybe I am reading too much into this, but what comes across as somebody being manipulative and spiteful looks to me like a heavily pregnant woman who feels vulnerable in the knowledge that the one person she needs to totally trust at this time is lying to her every day.

Welcome to MN Petunia12. Have you enjoyed your first day on the forums so far?

My, my there are lots of first time posters here today, aren't there?

I'm with the vast majority on here - there is a lot more to this than the smoking...

Cross posted with Lydia - WSS too.