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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my husband (h) that he is not coming to the birth?

397 replies

Upsetme · 07/03/2012 12:58

I have namechanged for this as if I go through with my threat then this post might out me to family and friends.

For the last 8 years (since we conceived dc1) my husband has been 'trying' to give up smoking. He refuses to seek any professional help or even to speak to his GP about it (the GP does not even know that he smokes as h has always denied it in any medical appointment). The longest time he has ever 'given up' for during this 8 year period is about 10 months. He always relapses though, smokes for a bit then says he will try again. He then manages a few months before smoking again. It is also very relevant to add that he never admits to smoking - I smell it on him, he lies to my face and denies it for about 5 mins before finally cracking and confessing.

I am now full term pregnant with dc4. Over my pregnancy the smoking has been happening more and more frequently. For the last 3 weeks h has smoked about 4 days a week. I can't stress how upset I am with him. I hate the smoking, I hate the fact it will most likely kill him, I hate his lies. There is nothing that I lie to him about whereas he sees nothing wrong in lying to me over and over again. the smell makes me feel sick and I can't stand to be near him.

I told him last week that if he smoked again, I would not let him come to the birth of this baby. I don't want him covered in chemicals around my newborn baby plus I don't want him there full stop. It has got to the stage where it is destroying our relationship. If he is able to lie about this, what else is he lying about? He came in from work yesterday stinking of cigarettes. I intend to tell him this evening that i am going to speak to my midwife and have strict instuctions left for the maternity wing that he is not to be given access to me or the baby at any point that I am in hospital.

I think I am being fair but would welcome the opinions of others. I am so upset and hormonal it would be useful to see what the general consensus is.

OP posts:
MadameChinLegs · 07/03/2012 19:02

I do hope people don't think I am a new poster. I name changed yesterday after that bloody thread including a 'what can you make out of your name' anagram website.

bringbacksideburns · 07/03/2012 19:02

'I think I am being fair but would welcome the opinions of others. I am so upset and hormonal it would be useful to see what the general consensus is.'

She got the general consensus, she didn't like it. She left the thread. Unbelievably frustrating. And a complete waste of time.

If this was turned on it's head and put in a different scenario the ones complaining we are being 'harsh' would be saying the H was controlling.

MariaCallous · 07/03/2012 19:07

You hate lying so much you are happy to lie to get your own way op. Double standards.

Cherriesarelovely · 07/03/2012 19:09

I loathe smoking and would be cross with my DP if we were in this situation. However, i don't think that because he lies to you about the smoking he will lie to you about other things....that doesn't follow necessarily. My gorgeous DP lies about eating junk food when she is working away (I try to get her to eat healthily particularly because she has a heart problem) but I don't see it as a major failing.

Smoking is different I know because it has an impact on others with the horrible smell etc but I don't think i would do this OP. I do understand your frustration though. My dad used to smoke alot and my mum's asthma got SO bad. He is usually a really considerate person so it was really weird for him to be like this. Eventually though my DD talked to him about it and it did the trick. I hope you can work it out.

Inertia · 07/03/2012 19:09

Not sure whether your first-time-poster post was directed at me, GrahamTribe, or just a coincidence of timing, but I'm not a FTP either, just a not-well-known nobody (not even a node ) :)

Inertia · 07/03/2012 19:11

nobdie (am not a node either) .

GrahamTribe · 07/03/2012 19:15

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MadameChinLegs · 07/03/2012 19:17

ahhh....taps nose

GrahamTribe · 07/03/2012 19:18

Not you either Inertia, sorry, it was a coincidence of timing. And you're not a nobdie or a node, I'm sure I've seen your name before. :) I'll shut up now before someone slaps my hand or snaps my head off.

DorisIsWaiting · 07/03/2012 19:27

I fully agree inertia I think the issue with smoking is the sign of the much greater problems -the lying / breakdown of trust and the lack of support at a time of vulnerability within the marriage.

All those jumping up and down about the fathers rights to be there would have no heistation on other threads to say ultimately for a positive birth the woman should be in a situation where she feels supported. If the OP's H is causing her more stress how can that be good for the birthing process.

Marriage guidance may help but if lying has become second nature then it may be difficult.

SauvignonBlanche · 07/03/2012 19:35

YABVU.
I broke off an engagement with someone who said they would not give up smoking when we had children.
I wouldn't have dreamt of conceiving a child first and then trying to change him.

Inertia · 07/03/2012 19:40

Though a node might be quite useful for all those connections you've spotted Grahamtribe :)

ladylord · 07/03/2012 19:51

I don't get it! What's the problem with being a first time poster?! I am truly confused.

D0oinMeCleanin · 07/03/2012 20:19

I lie about lots things. I always knock at least a few quid off of the price of whatever crap I have induled the children. I double the length of time it took me to clean a room/walk the dogs. I halve the amount of fags smoked and Vodka I've drunk on a night out.

It doesn't make me unsupportive when my partner needs me. Hating him does, lying about a few things doesn't Wink

If he didn't make such an ott fuss over money/smoking/housework or lack of and supported me a bit more then I wouldn't feel need to stretch the truth a bit.

IAmBooyhoo · 07/03/2012 20:19

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ladylord · 07/03/2012 20:27

Oh....if they're not what they seem to be, what are they?! (genuine question) Wasn't necessarily agreeing with the OP, but was just surprised at the vitriol. Will continue to be an observer methinks.

NotD0oinssockpuppet · 07/03/2012 20:27

I am also a first time poster. I hope that's okay?

The sheer brilliance of D0oinMeCleanin's posts prompted me post to point out how right she is about everything.

D0oinMeCleanin · 07/03/2012 20:29

Why thank you Notmysockpuppet. How very kind of you to say Grin

PeneloPeePitstop · 07/03/2012 20:29

I don't give a shiny rat's left testicle how U the OP is being (and she is being U, very much so) is there REALLY any excuse for some of the responses on here?

Someone 9 months' pregnant, hormonal and vulnerable and you rip her to bits.

Nice.

There are other ways to get the same message across without being so bloody nasty.

pictish · 07/03/2012 20:31

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PeneloPeePitstop · 07/03/2012 20:31

Being on a message board is not a licence to behave like a cunt either.

Witchofthenorth · 07/03/2012 20:41

d0oinmecleanin :o

IAmBooyhoo · 07/03/2012 20:44

naughty dooin Grin

ladylord some might think that these supposed FTP are in fact the OP posing as other posters to make it appear as if she had more support than she actually had. i'm not saying that's what's happening here just that it has happened in the past and it's possible it might happen again one day Wink

tofuscramble · 07/03/2012 20:54

Yep.Nasty cunts. And no. I am not the OP! Just disgusted at her treatment on here.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 07/03/2012 20:56

Fucking hell, this is a bit of a palaver! Don't know where the OP went to, but not surprised she left . Some of you are so bloody rude. Pictish, don't go round calling people cunts, eh? Bet you wouldn't to her face. That's tantamount to cyber bullying, really nasty.
Christ. This thread is insane.