To tell my husband (h) that he is not coming to the birth?

[Upsetme]

I have namechanged for this as if I go through with my threat then this post might out me to family and friends.

For the last 8 years (since we conceived dc1) my husband has been 'trying' to give up smoking. He refuses to seek any professional help or even to speak to his GP about it (the GP does not even know that he smokes as h has always denied it in any medical appointment). The longest time he has ever 'given up' for during this 8 year period is about 10 months. He always relapses though, smokes for a bit then says he will try again. He then manages a few months before smoking again. It is also very relevant to add that he never admits to smoking - I smell it on him, he lies to my face and denies it for about 5 mins before finally cracking and confessing.

I am now full term pregnant with dc4. Over my pregnancy the smoking has been happening more and more frequently. For the last 3 weeks h has smoked about 4 days a week. I can't stress how upset I am with him. I hate the smoking, I hate the fact it will most likely kill him, I hate his lies. There is nothing that I lie to him about whereas he sees nothing wrong in lying to me over and over again. the smell makes me feel sick and I can't stand to be near him.

I told him last week that if he smoked again, I would not let him come to the birth of this baby. I don't want him covered in chemicals around my newborn baby plus I don't want him there full stop. It has got to the stage where it is destroying our relationship. If he is able to lie about this, what else is he lying about? He came in from work yesterday stinking of cigarettes. I intend to tell him this evening that i am going to speak to my midwife and have strict instuctions left for the maternity wing that he is not to be given access to me or the baby at any point that I am in hospital.

I think I am being fair but would welcome the opinions of others. I am so upset and hormonal it would be useful to see what the general consensus is.

No everlong , I actually do get what the OP was trying to say, she is hurt by him lying to her. I get it, I do.

I told him last week that if he smoked agin, I would not let him come to the birth of this baby.

I took umbridge with that statement. That is where she is being controlling and manipulative. If she has issues with lying and him smoking then fine, talk to him about it. But threatening him (and she called it a threat in her OP) with this action if he does not tow the line? That's low IMO.

YABU - The expression "my baby" says a lot! He's got issues with his smoking. Sounds like you've got some of your own.

I don't really think it matter if the OP is being unreasonable or not. She's full term on her pregnancy, which for almost all of us was a vulnerable and hormonal time. Her DH (who she obviously loves a LOT, otherwise why would she give a fuck either way) has just signed up for an early grave. What she needs is a hug, not a bashing. I hope they find a way to work it out and have a great birth of their wanted and loved 4th DC.

OP - try to be a little understanding and go buy him an E-Cig (electronic cigarette) and encourage him to use it. Digging your heels in will get you nowhere.

Maybe there is lame to ay, but is it any wonder why he lies? I think we can assume rightly or wrongly that the husband gets grief for his smoking instead of an adult conversation on how they can beat the addiction together.

FWIW I am actually ok with my DH husband smoking then picking up his son...so shoot me. And no, I don't smoke. I would rather my husband and I faced his addiction together than ostracise him from our family for smoking.

I didn't call her evil, vindictive or a cunt. I said her behaviour was cuntish and that threatening him with his unborn child was manipulative and controlling.

Poor smokers being victimised yet again on mn. Anyone would think smoking was a habit which could kill you and those around you! Oh, hang on a minute........

Am I a man?

Err...no.

You have a point there everlong, but he smoked when they first TTC so this is not a new thing.

It's not nice to sit around smokers. I don't particularly like it and I used to be a smoker, but it is also and extremely difficult addiction to break. Most people who smoke and have done for many years are unable to just wake up one day and stop.

I am going to leave this thread now as we are all just going around in circles. I am going to leave this and agree to disagree. No one opinion argument is going to win this.

She certainly doesn't have to put up with his smoking whatsoever.
She can end the marriage for any reason she likes, including his smoking.

What she is actually proposing to do though, is stay married to him, but punish him for smoking by denying him the privilege of being present at the birth of their child.

If she hates it so much that she sees fit to do that, then why would she go home to him after the birth?

This birth ban isn't not tolerating his smoking, it's sticking the boot in,, then expecting to be welcomed home again with open arms.

"More that she genuinely doesn't want him at the birth or around their tiny new baby, she is so disgusted by his horrible habit."

yet she is happy to take her tiny baby back to the house he lives in at what will still be a vulnerable time for her, she will still need to be able to trust him and expect support in those first few weeks after the birth. why is it only the hospital she is banning him from if it is really the smoking that is the issue? he will still be a smoker after the baby comes home from hospital.

Imagine a man posted and said:

"My wife overeats. She is fat. Not only is she risking her health and an early death because of her obesity, but I find her unattractive on top of that. She has dieted a few times over the last 8 years but always seems to put the weight back on. She also lies about what she has eaten, and I often find crisp packets and chocolate wrappers in the car or in the bin, although she denies that she is the one who has eaten them.
Anyway, I have had enough, and have decided that she will not be allowed to come on holiday with us this year. I don't want to be seen on the beach with such a fatty, and I think it would be embarrassing for the kids as well. I am going to tell her tonight that we are going on holiday without her.
I think I am being fair but would welcome the opinions of others. I am so upset and hormonal it would be useful to see what the general consensus is."

Hmm?

Replace "overeats" with smokes, if you like.

Imagine a man posted and said he was banning his wife from the family holiday this year because she smokes while she is at work, and lies about it, and sometimes smells of cigarettes.

What would you say Everlong?

The OP is out of order. I don't care how pregnant and hormonal she is, she is out of order.

He wouldn't have had such vitriol shown to the op I'm sure.

Meanwhile, back on Mumsnet.....

What the OP is proposing to do is not ok, and that is the bottom line.

Anyway - bed calls. Goodnight.

everlong just look at the amount of people 'accusing' other posters of being men just because they disagree with the OP. men, in general, do not get an easier ride than women on MN.