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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my husband (h) that he is not coming to the birth?

397 replies

Upsetme · 07/03/2012 12:58

I have namechanged for this as if I go through with my threat then this post might out me to family and friends.

For the last 8 years (since we conceived dc1) my husband has been 'trying' to give up smoking. He refuses to seek any professional help or even to speak to his GP about it (the GP does not even know that he smokes as h has always denied it in any medical appointment). The longest time he has ever 'given up' for during this 8 year period is about 10 months. He always relapses though, smokes for a bit then says he will try again. He then manages a few months before smoking again. It is also very relevant to add that he never admits to smoking - I smell it on him, he lies to my face and denies it for about 5 mins before finally cracking and confessing.

I am now full term pregnant with dc4. Over my pregnancy the smoking has been happening more and more frequently. For the last 3 weeks h has smoked about 4 days a week. I can't stress how upset I am with him. I hate the smoking, I hate the fact it will most likely kill him, I hate his lies. There is nothing that I lie to him about whereas he sees nothing wrong in lying to me over and over again. the smell makes me feel sick and I can't stand to be near him.

I told him last week that if he smoked again, I would not let him come to the birth of this baby. I don't want him covered in chemicals around my newborn baby plus I don't want him there full stop. It has got to the stage where it is destroying our relationship. If he is able to lie about this, what else is he lying about? He came in from work yesterday stinking of cigarettes. I intend to tell him this evening that i am going to speak to my midwife and have strict instuctions left for the maternity wing that he is not to be given access to me or the baby at any point that I am in hospital.

I think I am being fair but would welcome the opinions of others. I am so upset and hormonal it would be useful to see what the general consensus is.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 07/03/2012 20:58

It makes me sad that there are people like the OP out there.

Maybe her DH lies to her because he knows he'll catch hell for telling the truth. How dare he want to partake in a completely legal activity?

He smokes. So fucking what?!

The OP, however, is disproportionately horrid about it, wanting to ban him from the birth of his child and divorce him....

Actually, come to think of it, she might be doing him a favour on the latter.

thecook · 07/03/2012 20:59

D0inn - that was a brilliant post.

pictish · 07/03/2012 21:00

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everlong · 07/03/2012 21:01

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pictish · 07/03/2012 21:03

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Chubfuddler · 07/03/2012 21:03

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Witchofthenorth · 07/03/2012 21:03

Using their unborn child against her husband as punishment is cuntish behaviour IMO. Doesn't make her a cunt though. Just her behaviour on this matter.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 07/03/2012 21:04

Ah. Right. stands corrected

Pulls down judgy pants, tries to bring light relief to the situation and slopes off on the Walk of Shame*

everlong · 07/03/2012 21:06

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Witchofthenorth · 07/03/2012 21:07

Yes I am a woman, and no I don't have true colours and fake colours...just colours. Call a spade a spade and all that. Be all "what about the sisterhood" if you wish. I still stand by what I said.

She is being very unreasonable.

pictish · 07/03/2012 21:08

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thecook · 07/03/2012 21:08

Anybody on here willing to admit to liking the smell of ciggies on a man when up close and personal. I do.

IAmBooyhoo · 07/03/2012 21:09

supposed to be women? as opposed to what?

IAmBooyhoo · 07/03/2012 21:11

thecook i like the smell of cigarette smoke as it's being smoked. i dont like the after smell/taste.

AuntLucyInPeru · 07/03/2012 21:24

FWIW I don't think you are being entirely unreasonable . My DH took up smoking (and lying about it) in both of my pregnancies and it caused me a huge amount of stress and upset. Smoking is a lethal addiction. It may be more socially acceptable than drugs or alcoholism, but it kills just the same. To know that your partner values you and your family so little that they intentionally restart a lethal drug addiction, which if unchecked will almost certainly mean they miss the last 20 years of family life together after you've nursed them through a series of debilitating illnesses, should be stressful to any loving spouse let alone one in the last stages of pregnancy. I really feel for you. I hope he gives up soon.

pictish · 07/03/2012 21:26

Lucy - do you condone the OP's punishment of her husband by banning him from the birth of their fourth child together, though?

pictish · 07/03/2012 21:28

Bearing in mind she will go home to him after the birth anyway.....

tofuscramble · 07/03/2012 21:29

The OP does not want her husband at the birth of her child. That is HER RIGHT. It does not make her a cunt, wicked, manipulative, or nasty. She sounds to me far more like someone who is just desperate and vulnerable and needs support. I cannot believe the lack of it on here for her.

pictish · 07/03/2012 21:31

No, she is punishing him for not doing as he is told.

Northernlurker · 07/03/2012 21:35

OP be careful here. If you ban him from the birth you will never ever be able to take that back. It will always be between you. I know his smoking is between you at the moment but that IS fixable. Being vindictive and preventing him from seeing his child born is irreversible, If you do want to end your marriage that's the way to go because yourmarriage will NOT recover from that.

chewchewmeaw · 07/03/2012 21:39

Why have a forth baby with him if you were/are fed up with his smoking?

Makes no darn sense.

tofuscramble · 07/03/2012 21:52

I do not think from reading her OP and subsequent posts that she is punishing him. More that she genuinely doesn't want him at the birth or around their tiny new baby, she is so disgusted by his horrible habit. I also get the sense of someone who is very desperate and at a loss to know what to do to make her husband stop doing something that really hurts and upsets her.

To call her spiteful, manipulative and other horrible names is so unfair.

And again, no (sigh), I am not the OP.

scaryteacher · 07/03/2012 21:54

I didn't want my dh at the birth of our child, and he wasn't there. It is up to the OP who is there, irrespective of smoking or not.

everlong · 07/03/2012 21:56

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ExcitedElectrons · 07/03/2012 22:00

What a horrible thread.