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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's not fair on your children to have them at an older age....

268 replies

nobodyspecial · 06/03/2012 15:16

In recent weeks I have been thinking alot about my Dad. He is in his late 70's and is quite ill. My eldest sibling is 42 this year and I'm 29 this year (I'm the youngest).
If I compare my life to my eldest siblings there are alot of differences. As I hit my 20's I had to think about my father's health alot and my constant worry about him started when I was in my last year of university. My eldest sibling at the same era in his life never had worries like this and had quite a nice time when my Mum and Dad were at their prime and healthy.

When my elder siblings were in their 20's my Dad could drive everywhere by himself, and they didn't have to worry about him and could get on with their life. Since I graduated my Dad has become more and more dependent on me to drive him everywhere and remind him constantly about medication; sometimes it's like talking to a child.

I love my Dad dearly and care for him is split between myself and older sibling, but I can't help but feel that my elder siblings have had more of a special time with our parents when they were in their prime and I've missed out on all of that. I sometimes feel they shouldn't have had me in such a late time in their life.

I just read this articleand this has confirmed how I feel. I know I am being unreasonable, but I can't help to feel this way. I decided I am not having any children past the age of 30 a long time ago because of how my life panned out.

I think if someone makes a conscious decision to have children late in life, then its not fair on the children when they grow up.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 07/03/2012 01:37

My stbx was mid 40's when our dd was born so when she is your age he will be older than you dad. But everyone (including me and him) agrees that he is a far better father to her than he was to his son who is almost your age. He was too young to be a father then, it was thrust upon him by a girl who thought that if she got pg then he would marry her. Their relationship didnt work out and he had to be a very part time dad due in part to her being a pita to get back at him, but mainly due to his lack of commitment to his son. He didnt fight to see him, he didnt bother paying child support unless he was forced to etc. But he was a teenager, he simply didnt see that the child was as much his responsibility as it was hers. He sees it now and regrets it very much, not least because him and his son have no relationship at all now. But he wouldnt have been much better in his 20's, he wasnt ready to be a father until his 40's.

Whats better? A good but older father or a poor younger one?

hairytaleofnewyork · 07/03/2012 07:00

YABU. I have just had my first dd and I'm 44 next month.

She will have a financially stable home with two stable, mature, loving parents who want her very much, are not distracted by a wish for a very active social life.

If I'd had children with my ex when I was younger they would have suffered as it was an unhappy, abusive relationship and I'd likely be a single, unemployed, unhappy mum by now, which is not what I want.

hairytaleofnewyork · 07/03/2012 07:10

" I personally think that if you want to have children enough to actually have them, you should want them regardless of your romantic status. If you don't want that, you probably shouldn't have children at any age as you're more motivated by romance than by parenting, and I feel that's unfair on your children. Also I think if I meet 'the one' (not that I even believe in that) then he will be sufficient of an adult and properly evolved man to care about non-biological children as well as the fate of his own sperm. So the whole relationship argument is spurious to me."

That's all very well but how Di you provide for them if yiur status is "single"? I wanted children but my ex didn't. It would've been a huge mistake to have children with him.

I don't want to be a single mum.

Thumbwitch · 07/03/2012 07:15

I can't actually see what kind of "sensible discussion" you expected to get from this. YOU feel this way, your prerogative. It's a highly emotive subject and very individual - you were never going to get a bunch of people suddenly saying "oh yes, how very fucking selfish of us to have had our DC later in life, regardless of our circumstances and why we did "wait" that long" - so what exactly was your aim?

Sorry for your circumstances but hey - you're not on your own, you have other siblings, you lost your mum quite early really but not as early as others. Everyone has a different life - there isn't some "gold standard" that most other people achieve, so you feeling short-changed suggests you're more of a glass half-empty person - why don't you try looking at the positives in your life instead?

KatAndKit · 07/03/2012 07:19

Your romantic status is not irrelevant. You do have to get the sperm from somewhere and that generally involves being in a relationship with a man who is prepared to have contraception free sex, knowing that a child will be the likely result of that. Most men that I know would want to be in a stable relationship at the very least before that.

Or do you suggest tricking them into it?

theodorakis · 07/03/2012 07:21

Thanks, such a sensitive post to those of us who have no choice if we want children.

BelleDameSansMerci · 07/03/2012 07:22

Meh.

Projecting your own issues, OP...

By that token, because some people are violent in relationships no-one should be in one. Similar "logic".

lesley33 · 07/03/2012 07:27

YANBU
I understand that people choose to have kids at different times for a whole host of reasons, some under our control, others not. I also understand taht few of us have our kids at an "ideal" point in our life. And I think 30 is too young as a "cut off" age.

But the reality is that if you are older the chances of getting ill or dying soar. Yes people die unexpectedly when they are very young or get so ill their kids need to look after them - but this is uncommon. Similarly there are older people who live to 100 and are fabolously fit for years.

But the reason there is an age limit on adoption is because as you get older your chance of being so ill your kids need to look after you or of dying soar.

I am not saying you shouldn't have kids if you are older. But I do think you are selfish if this is an issue you don't consider.

exoticfruits · 07/03/2012 07:32

Life is a complete lottery. DH was dead before he was 30yrs so you really can't tell.
OP seems to make the assumption that people have a choice. Many don't even meet a partner until after her cut off point. I'm not sure how young people even afford a DC these days!

treadwarily · 07/03/2012 07:37

Isn't it wonderful before you've had kids, you know EVERYTHING about parenting and how your own parents are massive underperformers.

Enjoy that feeling because if/when you have your own, it'll disappear before you can say deluded

Bucharest · 07/03/2012 07:41

Yeah, thanks OP.

Your empathy just radiates through.

And I bet a gazillion times over I'm a better mother than you. You know why? Because I don't judge people like you do. I judge people like you.

(Oh, and for all the other naysayers, I was 38 when I had dd, have a perfect BMI both before and after, worked until I was 8mths pregnant and vomited only once during whole pregnancy. I, now, at the ancient age of 46, have a body and mind which I bet is streets ahead of yours.)

Smug? Moi? You bet.

Bucharest · 07/03/2012 07:43

BelleDameSansMerci · 07/03/2012 07:43

treadwarily

wordfactory · 07/03/2012 07:47

Oh I think people should have DC when they feel ready, be that 20 or 50. None of my business as long as they do a good job.

However, I'm bloody glad I didn't wait longer than I did. The thought of having a baby or a toddler now, like some of my friends, fills me with horror

lesley33 · 07/03/2012 07:49

You see I don't think the issue is when kids are younger. Unless you are unlucky or at the extremes, women and men in their 40's are usually healthy and as capable of being fit as anyone else. The OP is talking about being a young adult when older parents will be in their 60's and 70's and this is different tbh.

Bucharest · 07/03/2012 07:53

The issue is that the OP thinks her anecdote trumps anyone else's.

If she was after sympathy for her situation, she didn't even pass go.

I'm 46, my Mum is 65 (and a widow) I worry about her health. What does it matter whether I'm 20 or 46? What does it matter if my Mum is 65 or 90?

It doesn't to me. But the OP clearly thinks that she has some sort of monopoly on caring and worrying. Which is abit rich considering how bloody offensive she has been.

hmc · 07/03/2012 07:55

Your poor friend treadwarily

BelleDameSansMerci · 07/03/2012 07:56

Bucharest - quite!

VirtuallyHere · 07/03/2012 07:56

Zzzzzz. You're right OP. I wish I'd found a one night stand in my mid 20s when I was living in a house share to have a baby so he could progress through a variety of poor schools rather than wait till my mid 30s and bring my son up in a family home with independent education.

RustyBear · 07/03/2012 08:01

When my mum was 22 she married a 38 year old man, despite being given warnings similar to the OP by her family. I was the youngest of 4 children and born when my dad was 46. But it was my mum who died first, at 73 after 51 years of marriage; my dad will be 102 next month and still lives alone and remarkably independent (despite many attempts by my sister and me to persuade him to come and live with one of us)

So you really can't tell what will happen - my MIL, who had DH at a 'normal' age caused us far more worry about her health before she died last year than we have ever had about my dad.

Bucharest · 07/03/2012 08:02

Wow at Rusty's Dad! Good on him!

RabidEchidna · 07/03/2012 08:08

I was 12 when my dad died, He was 49

LovedayPan · 07/03/2012 08:24

My maternal grand-mother was 32 when she met and married grandfather who was 65. They went on to have 5 children, one of which was, naturally, my mother.
I am disgusted at the pair of them.

echt · 07/03/2012 08:24

VirtuallyHere. Spot on.

LovedayPan · 07/03/2012 08:33

and OP "I know I am being unreasonable, but I can't help to feel this way." Yes you can, dear. You just don't want to feel any other way, one suspects.

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