To think it's not fair on your children to have them at an older age....

[nobodyspecial]

In recent weeks I have been thinking alot about my Dad. He is in his late 70's and is quite ill. My eldest sibling is 42 this year and I'm 29 this year (I'm the youngest).
If I compare my life to my eldest siblings there are alot of differences. As I hit my 20's I had to think about my father's health alot and my constant worry about him started when I was in my last year of university. My eldest sibling at the same era in his life never had worries like this and had quite a nice time when my Mum and Dad were at their prime and healthy.

When my elder siblings were in their 20's my Dad could drive everywhere by himself, and they didn't have to worry about him and could get on with their life. Since I graduated my Dad has become more and more dependent on me to drive him everywhere and remind him constantly about medication; sometimes it's like talking to a child.

I love my Dad dearly and care for him is split between myself and older sibling, but I can't help but feel that my elder siblings have had more of a special time with our parents when they were in their prime and I've missed out on all of that. I sometimes feel they shouldn't have had me in such a late time in their life.

I just read this articleand this has confirmed how I feel. I know I am being unreasonable, but I can't help to feel this way. I decided I am not having any children past the age of 30 a long time ago because of how my life panned out.

I think if someone makes a conscious decision to have children late in life, then its not fair on the children when they grow up.

there's never a good time to care for parents affected by old age and ill health, i think you are wrong to say that you find it harder because you're in your 20s, everyone is different, and every relationship is different.

you are wrong to assume (after reaching adulthood) that it is easier if you are older yourself, some people need their parents more in their 40s than others do in their 20s.

OP - I think it is a very inflammatory subject AND therefore better posted somewhere else. It sounds that you are simply coming to grips with the mortality of your father, his failing health and another reminder that you too are getting older?

I had my DC's at 36 and 39. I had ovarian cancer at 28 and couldn't have them earlier. Sometimes I do worry about not being around and being an older mum, but I also think that this was meant to be and my time . However due to my previous healthscares, I am all too aware of my own mortality and live life like a mad one every day and truly thankful for all I have.

I have to care for my mum, she is 72 and whilst young of mind and heart, sadly her bones have decided to go against her wishes and spirit. She had me when she was 32. and she had my elder brother at 23.

My view, life is life.. no one can predict what will happen and sometimes we have to just get on with it, as we only get one shot at it. It does sound as if further counselling would work for you and perhaps share some of your concerns with your older Sibs so they can help you?

YABU, I know that I'm a much better mother for being an older mother than I would have been had I had children before the age of 30.

I know a poor Y3 whose (single) mum just died suddenly in her twenties. Whenever you have your kids, you still can't predict the future. I remember being a bit embarrassed by my older mum and dad as a teen. Now I am grateful they had us at a time they could afford to live somewhere quite nice, take us on the occasional holiday, support us a bit through university, etc. Thankfully despite the odd ailment and scare they are still going very strong now I'm in my thirties.

YABVU and thoughtless.

well I'm 21 years older than my youngest sibling. My parents were skint our entire childhood & working all the hours that god sends. No extra ballet lesson & riding, state schools, no holidays, no car, no new clothes etc etc etc (bring out the violins).

My sister has had a private education throughout, foreign holidays every year, piano/skiing/riding/dance/theatre, extra tuition, university funded fully, car bought, chunk of money for deposit AND a SAHM for all of her young childhood & now a dad that works part time too.

When our parents are elderly I will be the one doing the bulk of the caring since it is likely that my sister will have young children by that point. Should her children have extra needs there will be 'family' money to help - we have bankrupted ourselves (literally) caring for our disabled child.

Of the two of us there certainly is one who has had the better end of the deal!

I am much younger than my siblings and have gone through similar feelings to you OP - but I don't think you can pass judgement on others' choices. I felt very resentful when my dad died that I was only in my 30s and my siblings were in their 4os, so they had him for much longer. More than that, I was sad for my son, who was only 2 when he lost his grandad, whereas my nephews and nieces were all in their teens. My parents were in their 40s when they had me and it has had an impact on my life, and still does now as my mum is nearly 80 and not very independent, whereas many of my friends' parents are only in their early 60s and do more with their grandchildren, have them to stay for weekends etc. I try not to be resentful though because that's just the way it is. I had a happy and secure childhood, and things could have panned out an awful lot worse.
I think you need to deal with your resentment over caring for your dad and work out ways of coping with it other than wishing your life was different.

YADBU

My dad was 40 when I was born, he has been a fabulous father.

Now he is 78 and has Parkinsons, but today I gave him his first grandchild to hold and I know he will be a fab grandad until the end of his life.

It was not a choice I made to wait until 39 to have children, just the way it worked out for me.

Whether someone is a 'good parent' or not has fuck all to do with their age.

I think most people who have lost a parent at a young age would happily give up a private education and skiing if they could have an extra twenty years with their parent, hyperotreti. In any case, not all older parents are wealthy.

leftwingharpie the OP isn't being thoughtless she is being thoughtful. You just dont like what she is thinking.

Well i had my first 3 at 17 19 and 23.When i was 27 they had to cope with me having breast cancer and all that goes with that.
My last 2 i had at 35 and 43 and i am in much better health than i was when i was younger. I also think im more patient,less concerned about my social life,more settled in my career and more finacially stable.
Swings and roundabouts innit

my dad was 43 when 1 was born he is now 88 and in reasonable health still oes garden etc he was 55 when my youngest sister was born she is now 33, my mother was in early twenties when i was born but if anthing her health is worse than my dad's

I never meet right man till I was 39, to be honest I would rather my DD had an older dad than a young dad that was a complete idiot that dipped in and out of her life ( i'm not implying all young dad's are useless) just that I think a stable family life is more important than age of parents

I think 30 is quite an arbitrary cut off - as many said, chronological age and biological age are not the same. I had my dc at 34 and 36 but expect to be a very hale and hearty Septuagenarian. After all at 44 I am in great shape, running half marathons - probably in better shape than you op

My father died when I was 18 and my mother when I was 42 (the age she was when she had me)... do I regret having older parents... well yes, it would have been lovely having parents who could have won the Mum and Dad's races. However I would not have swapped a moment, back then you had children when it happened, planning was not really that much of an option. Oh yeah, and my mother miscarried after me... looking back I am pleased that they were still enjoying a good sex life despite four children!

YANBU, and I'm sorry people are being so arsey to you. It sounds like you've had an awful lot to deal with. I don't actually know my dad at all because my parents became estranged from a youngish age and he was already pretty old then, and is now I suspect dead. Not sure it would have been any better if he had been younger, and I don't think 30 is really a cut off but I do think older men need to think about it a bit more before knocking up younger women willy-nilly.

I also think that the reason some people are so defensive about this kind of thing is because they make their child-bearing completely dependent on the randomness of romantic relationships. You can see this when people talk about 'meeting 'the one' at 32' or whatever nonsense. Trouble is that pretty much no romantic relationships are lifelong now so it's ridiculous to make an important life decision based on it. I personally think that if you want to have children enough to actually have them, you should want them regardless of your romantic status. If you don't want that, you probably shouldn't have children at any age as you're more motivated by romance than by parenting, and I feel that's unfair on your children. Also I think if I meet 'the one' (not that I even believe in that) then he will be sufficient of an adult and properly evolved man to care about non-biological children as well as the fate of his own sperm. So the whole relationship argument is spurious to me.

Hear Hear Wibbly

Well, I know perfectly unhealthy 50 year olds and wonderfully robust 70 year olds so who knows who will end up the "better" parent physically. I'm an "older" parent but I run, am slim, eat healthily and hope to be fit and active, God willing, when my DD is an adult.

Parents can become reliant on children at any age so YABU. Also, you're in your 20s. You are an adult. So YABU again. Sorry.

Another reason I wouldn't have children, ie to inflict my care on them when I get old.

Or whatever age

Wibbly I agree to an extent. My eldest child was conceived entirely accidentally when I was 25; I wanted a baby however and indeed before that had already decided if I wasn't in a relationship by 30 I would go down the donor sperm route. I never had any great expectation of relationships, but I knew I wanted children.

I also know however that being a single parent is not for everyone; my friend is 40 and planning to start TTC shortly with her DP. She desperately wants a baby, but as part of a relationship. Her choice - and one made mindful of the fact that her parents both died in their 40s.

YABVVVU OP. I do see your point, as it applies to me and my dad also, but I still think age has little to do with it. As it happens, I've just had my first child...I'm 33 and my DP is 45. That doesn't make us awful parents nor is it guaranteed we will drop dead very soon.

Wibbly, do you personally think that if you want to have children enough to actually have them, you shouldn't be bothered about whether the other potential parent would actually be any good as a parent? i.e. that it should all come down to how much you want children and if you want them you have them regardless of circumstance? I think wanting a co-parent for your children who is (for example) sensible, responsible and eager to be involved in hands-on parenting isn't really being "motivated by romance".

A friend had his first child at 60, worried of course about being around for him, then the child was murdered at 6. The friend went on to have twins at 66.

Thing is, life doesn't always go to plan and people make their decisions for many different reasons. And who are we to judge...