To think it's not fair on your children to have them at an older age....

[nobodyspecial]

In recent weeks I have been thinking alot about my Dad. He is in his late 70's and is quite ill. My eldest sibling is 42 this year and I'm 29 this year (I'm the youngest).
If I compare my life to my eldest siblings there are alot of differences. As I hit my 20's I had to think about my father's health alot and my constant worry about him started when I was in my last year of university. My eldest sibling at the same era in his life never had worries like this and had quite a nice time when my Mum and Dad were at their prime and healthy.

When my elder siblings were in their 20's my Dad could drive everywhere by himself, and they didn't have to worry about him and could get on with their life. Since I graduated my Dad has become more and more dependent on me to drive him everywhere and remind him constantly about medication; sometimes it's like talking to a child.

I love my Dad dearly and care for him is split between myself and older sibling, but I can't help but feel that my elder siblings have had more of a special time with our parents when they were in their prime and I've missed out on all of that. I sometimes feel they shouldn't have had me in such a late time in their life.

I just read this articleand this has confirmed how I feel. I know I am being unreasonable, but I can't help to feel this way. I decided I am not having any children past the age of 30 a long time ago because of how my life panned out.

I think if someone makes a conscious decision to have children late in life, then its not fair on the children when they grow up.

OP I do think that if you asked your older siblings, you might be surprised to find all the things that they envy about you.

Maybe you already have but from your OP it's hard to tell if you are yet able to see both sides of this or just yours.

I'm not having a go, I just think it might be worth a go, just asking them, you know, if they feel luckier than you.

YABU.
My father was 28yrs when I was born, DHs father was 46 when he was born. My FIL was the one to see his grandchildren grow up and the one who was still playing 18 holes of golf at 87yrs of age-my father was the one who died before I got married and never even saw grandchildren.
You can become ill at any age. Lots of people are hale and hearty in their late 70s and still skiing, running etc. It is just luck.

OP, YABVU and you know it. What a crock of shit - my mum was 35 when she had me, she was told she couldnt have children, but she could, she had me - im 41 now, and sadly have lost my poor dad, but he was only 73 when hedied. Would I have changed him for a younger model - absolutely not bloody way! ~There are no garuntees in life, my friend was 25 and just finishing her PhD when she lost her dad, he had a heart attack, he was 53 :(

I'm glad my parents had us late in life and me and my siblings have all done the same. It means we are well-established in our careers, are financially solvent and never resentful about spending time looking after them - we've done our partying.

My dad still skis and he's 80. Ill health sucks but just because someone's older, doesn't mean that they're automatically going to be ill.

im nearly 35 and ttc my first, my parents were 41 and 45 when i came along and i lost my dad 6 years ago when i was 29 and he was 74, up until about 6 months before he died both him and my mum were very active, out all the time going on holiday
my mums now 76 and still as active - she goes on holiday with her friends, out at the shops all the time, sometimes it feels she has a better social life than i do
if i have half as much energy at that age then i will be happy

Ariel - you said about a fit healthy 30 some woman running around versus a wobbly unfit 20 some in response to my post (I think)

Of course that is true sometimes but I would say in the group I was in we were all fit women. No one was over weight, no one was ill, no one was underweight. We were all on the slender side for the age group we were in (eg I, a twenty some am an 8-10 and the 35 yos were a size 10-12, 40 yo a size 12-14) but even so I was still physically more able to run around like a loon

I wasn't agreeing with OP though. I was just saying, for me, I would not like to be a 30 year old new mum because it is physically demanding now and I am too lazy don't want to consider doing it even 5-10 years down the line all over again, from the beginning

OP, I understand a little of how you feel. My mum died very suddenly aged 54, when I was 21.

My dad, who was nearly 50 when I was born, died when I was 25.

I have no siblings. So age 25 it was just me alone in the world.

I had both my sons under 30, I think at least in part in an attempt to replace the family I lost. I am nearly 40 now and have not given up hope of having another child (I always wanted 3) despite my age.

The tragedy of life is that none of us know how long we've got. One of my close friends was born to parents aged 24 and 34; her father died only a couple of years later and her mum when she was 22. Another friend's dad died at 30. Part of my job involves dealing with fatal accidents, which do not discrimnate as to age. Life is unexpected. There is no guarantee however young you are that you will be around to see your children grow. We can only make the best of what we have.

Would I say to people who are happy together, in a stable relationship to have children now, not in 5 or 10 years time? Yes of course I would. But you don't always meet the right one early in life. My parents only met a little over a year before I was born. My father once told me after my mum died that he never expected to feel the happiness she had brought him, or to love anyone as he did her. They didn't think they would have children. I am very glad they had me and gave me the best start in life a child could ever wish for.

I take your point about your childhood and understand why you have made the decision you have made - what I don't understand is the point of this thread? Why do you want to make people feel bad about their situation, circumstances or decisions? It's not like you needed a discussion about it to make your mind up - you are just making people feel crap for no apparent reason. Really - not nice.

Only read the first page OP but YABU.
DP's gran was old before her time and was unable to go anywhere by herself by about 50. My Gran was 80 before her mobility was affected. They both died roughly 10 years after their problems took hold. DP's mum was caring for her from 35 onwards, my mum was in her 50's.

You can't know when you have kids how the rest of youy life will pan out and whilst I get your logic to have kids earlier should give them more time with a well parent, you just can't know or guarantee that.

I had my eldest 2 in my early 20's and my younger two in my early 30's. I don't feel I have let down my youngest by having her later and she doesn't get a markedly different upbringing to her eldest sibling

So many sad stories on here about people losing their parents at a young age..........I feel for all of you

OP - most of us probably start out thinking that we would prefer to have children before we turn 30, but life doesn't always work like that

I have some sympathy with the OP. One of my friends met and married a much older man. She was in her forties when she had the children. He was 56 when the first was born and 59 when the second was born. He died in his late sixties, which is pretty well what you would expect from a life-long smoker (with no other health issues). The DCs didn't have a normal childhood and they are having massive adjustment issues.

No I don't think YABU although I see people's point re people can get ill at any age( I lost my mum to cancer when she was just 45, I was 25) but to have a baby in your late 50's then there's a very good chance you aren't going to be fit and well enough to give that child the childhood fun they deserve. Although not having a baby beyond 30 may be a bit extreme, 30s still quite young

Agree with Chipping. Everyone's circs. are different, it's life. My mum was 41 when she had me, nine years after my sister died, an event which affected her mentally so I feel lucky to have been born at all. I never her knew her 'well', like other mums but learned many a lesson from that. I was 37 when I had DD2, when we could afford to.

My sister had her children at age 24 and 27 and she she died of cancer aged 31. Her husband was 31 when the youngest was born and he died age 47 from a heart attack.

My niece and nephew were left orphans when they were 18 and 16 years old respectively.

The OP is lucky to have a parent at all. There are no guarantees in life

It's harder to have older parents, no doubt about that. Your dad was almost 50 when he had you and I have to agree, that is pretty old to have children. It would be harder compared to someone whose Dad was 30 so I can see where you're coming from.

My parents were both 40 when they had me because I'm the unplanned youngest of 4. Luckily, my parents are quite fit physically but mentally they are just not as sharp as they used to be and they are very out of touch with current social norms so I have to 'translate' the world for them a lot, which can be exhausting. It feels more like they're my grandparents.

So, yes, having older parents does put more responsibility on your shoulders and you have to learn to cope alone from a younger age BUT I don't think that should stop people from having kids later in life. Some 70 year olds are very switched on and fit; some 50-year olds are in poor health already or may have conditions like MS or have mental health issues, alcoholism etc. So on balance, YABU, to judge people who do choose to have children later as you can't assume what they'll be like when they're 70.

My dad was 32 years older than my mum and was 62 when I was born and dies when I was 31

He was the best dad in the world and i wouldn't have changed him in the slightest

My eldest sister is only 7 yrs older than me and my parents had a great marriage and my mum hated it when he went into a home at 91 due to her ill health

So you'd rather that you never were given the gift of life? YAdefBU.

Well I'm the oldest of three surviving out of four children spread over 19 years in age and far from my younger siblings getting the 'short straw' it is me who is now looking after our elderly parents on the ground that I'm the oldest.

So you could argue its unfair on the first wave of children rather than the second if you could be arsed but then you wouldnt know you were going to have such an age difference when your first were born or when or if you were going to have more.

If anyone understands what l just said please explain it to me

OP I and my dad are the same age as you and yours and although I agree with many of the posters above that you can never be sure what the future will hold, I am sad that my dad is less likely to walk me down the aisle and meet my children.

However, that was his choice, and I am not going to marry/have children sooner because of this.

Also - and some of the posters on the thread are reinforcing this - how is having a child in your early/mid thirties anything like having a baby at 50?

I can't believe the posters who have called OP things like bitter or envious; appalling. The OP is just sad, strained and thoughtful. I think she is entitled to her very understandable view and I agree. My parents were older and I spent my childhood and adulthood worrying about them. They are now dead and as we were very close, I will never get over losing them. I would never have children myself, mainly as I have never wanted them luckily but also because I would consider it cruel to put them though the suffering of life. I know I have a very unusual view though, so wouldnt expect anyone to agree with me.

So, did you get all the responses you needed for your article?

parents get old parents can get ill young you dont say how many siblings you have but tbh being the youngest and the age you are having an older parent isnt unusual , I am 40 my mum is nearly 60 yes she had me young , its not really all that its cracked up to be ,she still needs attention and helped out even if she is younger , YABU im sorry you feel your dad is a burden ,

do ease up on the suspicious witterings
oh journalist..oh article
do behave

how v rigid of you,you see certain in life is here are few certainties
other than death and taxes
however,you make your choices based on your experience and beliefs.if our family feels complete...well that's your individual choice to make
conversely other adults will chose to be older parents and be happy and fulfilled

It's hard seeing your parents get old. Mine had me in their late thirties, and are a decade older than most of my friends' parents. There is a difference - my parents have less energy, less time with their grandkids, and I will need to look after them sooner. I wanted a family in my 20s and didn't want history to repeat itself. However, you can't force these things. By the time I met the right person and we were financially stable, I was 35 and dh 46. I feel we were lucky to have DD. I hope DD doesn;t resent our age in future. Luckily it is more common for couples to start families in their thirties now, so society is used to it.