to have not enjoyed my wedding and to still get upset about it years later? (sorry a bit long)

[maive]

I have a lovely husband and beautiful child and have been very happily married for five years, but still get upset when I think about my wedding.

On the face of it, it was great - lovely venue, beautiful weather, close friends and family etc, which all went off without a hitch. However, on the day I felt like no one had really cared enough about me to do what I had asked them. Appreciate that that sounds like a typical bridezilla thing to say, but I am generally self sufficient and never ask favours of anyone if I can help it, and I was (and am still) devastated that no one seemed to take into account what I wanted from the day. I basically felt like I could have not been there and no one would have noticed.

A few examples: the minister ignored everything we had spoken about in pre marriage lessons and used the sermon to go on a rant about divorce; my best friend who I had asked to say a speech told me the day before that she didn't want to, and then proceeded to get plastered at the reception and run around with complete strangers who happened to also be at the reception venue; despite asking the florist not to sprinkle rose petals in the church, she took it upon herself to spread red rose petals everywhere, because she thought it would like "nice", even though our theme was cream and other flowers were all orchids; the photographer had his own ideas re the approach to the photos and insisted on "arty" structures to the group photos, so that the photo I have of us and my dear grandparents has them standing stiffly behind us, instead of us all having a lovely close cuddle; a family member who was the MC (at my mother's request) made the main speech all about historical family issues (my father died when I was very young) and hardly mentioned me or my husband or his family, and actually forgot to toast us as a couple (as he was toasting my mom / family generally); I had asked the minister to mention my father and my husband's father who had both unfortunately passed away and my mother spoke to him behind my back and also got him to mention her husband of ten years because she didn't want him to feel left out, even though he has had no involvement in my life, didn't contribute to the wedding etc; my husband is not the most romantic person and I felt like his speech was pretty emotionless, there were also a number of times during the day when he was talking to friends / family etc and made no effort to make sure he knew where I was, include me etc; when we went for couple photographs at the end of the wedding my MIL and SIL got all the left over wine taken away and started closing up shop as they thought it was time everyone went home, when I wanted them to hang around and have fun etc.

The irritating thing is that I didn't want to be an unreasonable bride before the wedding and so while I had asked various people to do particular things, I didn't make a big deal about it. I hoped that if they cared about me, and wanted me to be happy on what was supposed to be our "big day" they would have thought more about me and tried to do things which would make me happy.

I know I probably sound ungrateful and self obsessed, but I still take it all very personally even though its been years. I find it hard to look at photos or speak about the day without feeling hurt and getting upset.

Anyone feel the same? Any ideas how to move on? For the most part its not an issue, as I think of it as just one day and everything before and after has been great, but I would like to get over it and remember the good parts if possible.

Thanks!

ok the last bit didn't work - it was supposed to say Hug emoticon xx

OP it's a valid feeling to look back at something you thought was going to be a certain way and be upset that it didn't turn out that way. The only thing I'll say is it sounds from your post as though you're just not assertive enough. You should've left the florist and the photographer with a very clear impression that heads would roll if they didn't do what you asked. The florist probably just thought 'oh she doesn't seem to mind one way or t'other, I'll just chuck out a few rose petals'. Y'know?

Nothing much can be done about the minister but you should've had words with him after.

With your friend, I really think people should check whether speaking in front of people is an issue before they ask someone to do a speech. Personally I don't like it and would probably refuse to do a it, knowing that I'd spend the day a nervous wreck and wouldn't be able to eat. Why put someone through that? Why not ask first? Not saying what your friend did was right but she was obviously under pressure and there was alcohol to hand.. a bad combo.

Re the other stuff, your dh doesn't sound that nice sorry. I would expect a bit of togetherness from a couple on their wedding day, no matter what other probs, so I'm wondering if there's a deeper issue?

Maybe it would help you to tell the other people involved how you feel about it?

Can't understand the popularity of weddings meself given the horror stories I've read on this thread. Not for me, no sirree.. Far too much stress!

As soon as you EXPECT perfect, you are setting yourself up for a fall.

You will never get the perfect in your head as it doesn't exist. You might get close to it, but expect it? Nah. Unrealistic.

Thats the problem with weddings. Too much emphasis on This.Is.The.Way.It.Must.Be.

And then people wonder why they are upset when it doesn't happen...

Cut the number of variables and its easier to have 'perfection'. By that I mean the dress, the flowers, the car, the venue, the food, the guests... less things to go wrong and ruin your day. Keep it simple. You won't miss 90% of those things if you don't plan them.

Gosh, Maive, the birth is so much more important imo.

Hi had a good wedding but a horrible first birth. The last days of shaving, enemas etc, I am still angry at the 'care' I received. I feel it must have affected my feelings for poor colicky DD.

I feel a bit bad for the OP. Yes, in the grand scheme of things nothing she has mentioned is important but it's these niggly little things that stick in the mind. We're all expected to have the "perfect" wedding where the bride is the centre of attention and it can seem very disappointing when the myth doesn't become reality.

Perhaps what OP needs to do is try to laugh at what went wrong, it's how I cope with my litany of bad luck. We got married abroad and DH had serious sunburn which required hospital treatment, my dad stood on my dress leaving an ugly big footprint, my mum told me the day after the wedding that she was bored and wanted to go home because what she had come to do was over, my bridesmaid (falsely) accused a local man of rape so that she could stay on holiday for an extra few days, the vicar made some pretty off colour jokes during the ceremony, my ILs threatened to go home two days before the wedding because I hadn't spoken to FIL on the flight out and the thing that still annoys me most of all is that MIL insisted on having balloons when I had expressly said I didn't want them. Sometimes it's the minor things that stay in your mind.

If you can find it in you to laugh at the stupidity of others while remembering what a great DH and DC you have then it'll help you get over it. Apart from the bloody floppy balloons.

I know exactly how you feel OP. I am divorced now but at my wedding my ex-husband got into a fight with 2 of his cousins, there was a huge scene and the police were called. All I can remember is my ex-husband shoving me out of the way whilst I pleaded with him not to get involved then sobbing as the fight took place. I just couldn't bear to talk about the wedding for years afterwards or even look at pictures. I was absolutely mortified and it ruined the day completely. I hope that one day I will get married again and get the chance to have the wedding of my dreams.

I had a chat with 3 RL friends on the back of this thread. We all agreed our wedding were a bit crap, not what we really wanted.

get the chance to have the wedding of my dreams.

there ya go again, setting yourself up for a fall

You'd be better off just doing the register office and blowing the rest of the money on a two-month holiday in Cabo or somewhere...

My wedding day was fantastic, but my husband had asked my BIL to do a reading during the ceremony. BIL stood up, didn't have a copy of it so had to borrow the notes from the minister, and as he started to read it, it became clear he hadn't even bothered read it through beforehand, he totally mucked it up.

It didn't ruin the day for me, but I now dislike BIL for the total lack of respect to his brother for a very important occasion. The dislike was sealed about 6 months later when he was joking about it and how he'd "got away with it" and no one had known (it was achingly obvious - even before you take into consideration the fact that my mum, auntie and uncle are all english teachers, they know when someone is messing up a Shakespeare sonnet). It wasn't the action itself, it was the lack of consideration for me and DH that the action implied which upset me. Which I'm guessing is the same for you OP (rose petals aside!)

Things that go wrong, are just funny, if done with loving intentions or downright clumsiness. DD's christening was hilarious with things going wrong - we all just laughed. Not so impressed by DH's friend's boyfriend who thought it was smart to get the other new mums drunk by distracting them and topping their glasses up when they weren't looking.......at my expense and they were all bf.

Same with the wedding - but things like drunken best man who wouldn't let DH have the keys to the car to get his stuff out (staying in hotel that night - and we were paying for the prat's accomodation as well) and who nearly started a fight with other guests, and who dragged DH out to look at a map between eleven and midnight instead of being with me for the last dance (40 mins of jokes of - you're careless losing him already - all wore a bit thin - and when I found him outside after an hour I lost my rag.) That rankles - but that is because DH still hasn't got the balls to put me or now DD first.

MIL tutting loudly and making snide comments because I danced with an old friend (OMG he was a MAN therefore I was having an affair!) while DH buggered off with his drunken mates and family - I can laugh off because my friends came out with such good one liners. His pissed brother who tried to grope my best friend, urghhh. His aunt and uncle who launched a tirade on me during the meal that I had to turf our overseas (Australia etc) guests out of the hotel and accommodate them instead or they wouldn't come the next day. Didn't understand - 'the rooms are already occupied, and my father is paying and its his choice' - so in the end I told them I couldn't care less if they came back the next day for a free lunch! Never seen them again.

My mother dictating what would happen because otherwise I would publicly shame her and then my Dad saying that he didn't mind paying for it because they hadn't had a party for their 25 year anniversary, and so could treat it as their party ..... did leave it not feeling like our day.

My Dad insisting that the only couple I didn't want at the wedding were able to come - and hey they did a singularly good job of trying to ruin the wedding all on their own without any of the other stuff - so well that my Dad isn't speaking to him anymore. But would he listen at the time - no! On the plus side of all my parents weird friends - it meant that we didn't have a top table so they could look after their guests so I didn't have to bond with MIL or mother on the day :-)

So OP I do sympathise with you in that sense. And for me, because my parents still carry on in the same way, and my DH is still a spineless so and so, things still do rankle a little bit. But really I just don't bother remembering my wedding day, as there isn't much point in thinking about it. And at least you have a happy marriage with someone who loves you - and that counts for alot.

OP yes, I know too that 'births are much more important than weddings, as you say.

But it does seem like people are not really allowed to vent about a disappointing wedding experience w/o SOMEONE screaming: Bridezilla.

FFS - it's fine to vent, yes someone will always have a worse story yada yada yada.

We had some clangers ourselves that I can't be bothered to recount here...gets drawn in, no doesn't

The rose petals incident would have driven me mentalist BTW - so there. Get it off your chest by writing to complain to that sodding florest now.

It's worth you thinking about why you are so bothered about the wedding now because it WILL give you some insight, if you let it, on what REALLY is bothering you. It seems like you're on the road to doing this.

I really did not like my wedding dress. It was expensive, my mother loved it as did my grandma, and paid for it. I tolerated it. I should have said something. Yes, it was a theme for me and I re-negotiated those relationships am starting to

So saying to me: you didn't like your dress, get over it, wouldn't have been helpful, i would have missed a valuable lesson.

OP actually give me that florist's email, I'm gonna write her for you.

I think you have a point about the speeches and that would have upset me too.

However I think the other stuff is immaterial. Ex-FIL had to be taken home before the speeches started because he was so paralytic in front of many of my long lost relatives, pretty much ruining the day for us. We're divorced now thank fuck

yabu. i dont think anyone has a perfect day. i had major issues with a bridesmaid ( i no longer speak to her due to this and other stuff) who was suposed to help me with my hair, dress, make up etc, stoood on my dress on the way down the aisle and dropped red wine down my cream dress. had 7 years of great marriage.

OP, if you're still here, can I ask you if anything about your weddind day reminds you of current situations going on between you and your family /inlaws?

Was the wedding the catalyst and are yiou reminded of it by thier current behaviour / behaviour for your whole relationship with them?

the wedding day is really not the perfect day it's meant to be for many people. I have a long list of things that went wrong on mine, including a huge argument (not ours) that disrupted our reception. I have never been given any form of explanation, however I just chose to move on without dwelling on it - I assume the people who behaved badly are too embarrassed to apologise. Weddings bring out some pretty bizarre behaviour in people - don't take it personally.

I also just tried to focus on the end result - that we were married! :)