to have not enjoyed my wedding and to still get upset about it years later? (sorry a bit long)

[maive]

I have a lovely husband and beautiful child and have been very happily married for five years, but still get upset when I think about my wedding.

On the face of it, it was great - lovely venue, beautiful weather, close friends and family etc, which all went off without a hitch. However, on the day I felt like no one had really cared enough about me to do what I had asked them. Appreciate that that sounds like a typical bridezilla thing to say, but I am generally self sufficient and never ask favours of anyone if I can help it, and I was (and am still) devastated that no one seemed to take into account what I wanted from the day. I basically felt like I could have not been there and no one would have noticed.

A few examples: the minister ignored everything we had spoken about in pre marriage lessons and used the sermon to go on a rant about divorce; my best friend who I had asked to say a speech told me the day before that she didn't want to, and then proceeded to get plastered at the reception and run around with complete strangers who happened to also be at the reception venue; despite asking the florist not to sprinkle rose petals in the church, she took it upon herself to spread red rose petals everywhere, because she thought it would like "nice", even though our theme was cream and other flowers were all orchids; the photographer had his own ideas re the approach to the photos and insisted on "arty" structures to the group photos, so that the photo I have of us and my dear grandparents has them standing stiffly behind us, instead of us all having a lovely close cuddle; a family member who was the MC (at my mother's request) made the main speech all about historical family issues (my father died when I was very young) and hardly mentioned me or my husband or his family, and actually forgot to toast us as a couple (as he was toasting my mom / family generally); I had asked the minister to mention my father and my husband's father who had both unfortunately passed away and my mother spoke to him behind my back and also got him to mention her husband of ten years because she didn't want him to feel left out, even though he has had no involvement in my life, didn't contribute to the wedding etc; my husband is not the most romantic person and I felt like his speech was pretty emotionless, there were also a number of times during the day when he was talking to friends / family etc and made no effort to make sure he knew where I was, include me etc; when we went for couple photographs at the end of the wedding my MIL and SIL got all the left over wine taken away and started closing up shop as they thought it was time everyone went home, when I wanted them to hang around and have fun etc.

The irritating thing is that I didn't want to be an unreasonable bride before the wedding and so while I had asked various people to do particular things, I didn't make a big deal about it. I hoped that if they cared about me, and wanted me to be happy on what was supposed to be our "big day" they would have thought more about me and tried to do things which would make me happy.

I know I probably sound ungrateful and self obsessed, but I still take it all very personally even though its been years. I find it hard to look at photos or speak about the day without feeling hurt and getting upset.

Anyone feel the same? Any ideas how to move on? For the most part its not an issue, as I think of it as just one day and everything before and after has been great, but I would like to get over it and remember the good parts if possible.

Thanks!

I feel fine about our wedding. However, DH regrets his choice of best man who was still writing his speech in the pub 30 mins before the wedding. I can't help you with a solution just you are not alone and it is not just women.

You can think the whole world, including the minister, your unromantic DH, your M, photographer, flower lady and BF are all against you.

Or maybe you simply are (were) not that good at communicating and need to put it behind you now.

For your entertainment, some mishaps from my "Big Day"

• the make up and hair lady never showed up
• The 1 bathroom in the house had BIL's girlfriend in it, who locked herself in there for a Whole Hour (!!!) as she wanted to look good for my day. We had to insist on her getting out and letting me in about an hour before we were due in church. Her hair looked better than mine
• The photographer got drunk and disappeared with the best man halfway through
• The Maid of honour came in her own dress, which was a bright red mini dress
• My friends hid a case of champagne under their table, as they were afraid there might not be enough (there was, so we never even noticed they did this)
• My DH refused to do a "first dance" so I discoed away with some mates.

-We had forgotten to organise how my dad and I were going to get to church, lucky best man was still around and took us in his van (van!)

God it was such fun though! I wish some things had been different, but that's life isn't it?

These posts are so familiar - I had crap speeches too, I hated the suit DH chose, we didn't have a formal sit down meal which I really wanted.

If I was getting married now (ten years older) I would push for things the way I wanted, wear a proper wedding dress at my civil ceremony and not give a shit about the religious nutcases in DH's family.

Wow, thanks very much for all of the responses! You're right that it was only one day and I feel so lucky to have my lovely husband and child.

I think the issue is not so much that I wanted the perfect wedding day (I've never been that into wedding stuff and actually never wanted to get married until I met my husband). Its more that when I'm feeling sensitive / insecure it niggles away at me that I think my friends and family didn't care enough about me to try to do what I wanted.

Agree that some of the sensitivity does relate to nagging concerns that this is still the case. I think the problem is that I try to keep people happy all the time and will go out of my way to try and make them feel special / do things that I know will be meaningful for them, but don't always feel that they do the same for me. This may be becuase I am quite self protective, so don't really demand particular things, so agree that they may not have even been aware how strongly I felt about it all.

I kind of feel like I know why I feel like this and what the issues are, but don't know how to actually process them so that I can move on, which is why its like a little thorn in the back of my mind. I don't know how to deal with it without dredging things up (I don't want to raise it with my mother / friend etc, although my husband does know).

My wedding was perfect. Registry office in a spectacularly grotty London Town Hall. A handful of friends who could attend on a Tuesday afternoon with only a fortnight's notice and a lovely meal afterwards at the first restaurant we all liked the look of. The registrar even mistook one of my friends for the bride as she was more dressed up than me! I got to spend it with the man I love most in the whole world and affirm my commitment to him publicly. I will never forget how happy I was.

I went away to get married and had an evening reception when we got home. Loved going away and it was the first thing we

As I was going away, I was quite relaxed about the evening do and let our parents have what they wanted. When I go to a party, I decide beforehand that I am going to have a good time. A minority of people love drama, live to complain and have no idea how to behave. My Dad nearly died just before the wedding. My uncle spent the whole night following me around complaining about how my aunt had been informed. He upset everyone, not least my lovely Dad and he had to leave early he was so upset. I don't really think fondly of the evening and instead recall how much I paid and the poor behaviour exhibited.

I am very lucky to have a lovely wedding and honeymoon to look back on.

Planning a wedding involves a lot of expense and effort. There is a massive expectation that the event will go well but life just doesn't work that way. I understand why you are upset. All you can do is think see if there any issues you can resolve. This may be a bigger issue and counselling may help. Excellent advice from MN regarding hosting parties is to practise grace in the face of extreme rudeness.

Haha, how sensitive and helpful prize!

IMHO marriage is about being together, committed and happy, which you have said you are, not about the party and the fancy dress.

I can understand you being annoyed about people you paid not following your instructions.

Your post doesn't actually come across as bridezillaish, but I do think you need to get over it and move on.

What you wanted from the day was ultimately to be married to DH and happy and you are. Everything else, while annoying is irrelevant.

maive - It does sound maybe as if you are not up front enough in saying to people what you want. It can actually be quite hard work to be friends with someone who appears on the surface as if they don't want particular things, when underneath they do. Your friends may have just thought you were very easy goinga nd not too bothered about any of the deatils and so just treated it like a party. Maybe try to start saying something to friends if something is important to you?

"it niggles away at me that I think my friends and family didn't care enough about me to try to do what I wanted. "

You really need to get over yourself and move on.

I get an image in my mind of a very passive aggressive person who purposefully refrain from communicating her wishes well because she set her wedding party a test: If they care about me, they will know what I want.

You can sulk for years and years that there were rose petals clashing with the cream, that somebody got a mention, that the giddy aunt toasted your mum and not you, all deeply unpleasant and whiny.

Haha! reading it back bejeezus you are right! What I mean is that I could focus on the imperfections (and there must have been thousands) but I never have. I suppose it's all about what you chose to remember and how you frame it to yourself.

My wedding day was pretty crap. My in laws were just odd and didn't speak to me. My sister behaved like a spoilt brat. The photographer kept referring to us as Princess and Handsome and refused to do what we want- I hate my photos. I was due to get my gall bladder out 3 days after and I couldn't eat anything. I was having a period as my irregular cycle meant I never knew where I was. My dh got drunk on red wine which he can't tolerate evry well and he threw up in the bridal suite.
I try not to think about it. Everyone else had a fab time and I often get told 15 years later it was one of the best weddings anyone had been to- I hold on to that.
Just don't think about it. You'd be surprised how many people feel their wedding day is a total anti-climax.

I think it's about the frustration of not being able to say what you want. I don't know how you resolve that but I can see how that issue in your life colliding with what is a big and expensive day might leave you still feeling upset. I'm sorry you feel like that.

From what everyone is saying the key to a perfect wedding is not having any family attending and not having a photographer. Or a florist. Or a vicar.

Tildabewildered has said it better than anyone, get a grip OP life is far too short in the grand scheme of things to get hung up on one day.

This might be being unfair - but I have a friend who complains quietly that she never gets what she wants. I have heard various woes over the years about the architect who designed a totally unsuitable extension, a kitchen that isn't to her tastes, etc. I always felt quite sympathetic to her and thought she was just too quiet for her own good.

And then we agreed to go on holiday together. We agreed roughly where quite quickly and started to look at accommodation. Everything i suggested and we looked at she said she was fine with and didn't mind which one. So I did a bit of research on trip advisor, etc and then got back to her just before I booked to say I thought this one, shall I book it.

Then she started saying not that one, she much preferred another one, etc all the while managing to imply that I was riding roughshod over her wishes. We actually ended up not goping on holiday together. But it wasn't because I didn't care about her. It was because it was frustrating dealing with someone who couldn't be honest about what they wanted and then felt hard done by that they didn't get what they want.

I think my friend is an extreme example of this, so I am not saying you are just like her. But I do wonder - perhaps unfairly - if this does apply to you a bit?

all these people who let you down on the day - do they still let yo down? If so, deal with that. If it was a one off, accept the fact it was a bit of bad luck and maybe that you didn't assert yourself quite enough.

Like you I'm laidback and my day wasn't perfect and a few people also let me down, but I married for the marriage and never really had huge expectations. It does make me think I wouldn't break my neck to make my bridesmaids' days perfect, though.

I'm happy enough with my wedding day, it was all fine, but there are things that niggle too. I was happy enough to stand up to the photographer etc, on the grounds that we were paying him, but I did feel pushed into doing things because 'thats the way its done'. So, honestly, if I was getting married now, I wouldn't bother with speeches or anything - DH is painfully shy and it nearly ruined his day having to do a speech, ditto for my FIL. Just little things like that. But honestly, I can't say I focus on it much. Like you, I'm not someone who had been planning my wedding since I was a child, so it was what it was. Have a lovely husband and family now, and that's the main thing.

I think if you dig beneath the surface, most people probably have something about their wedding day that annoys them.

I think it probably is time to let go of the idea that your wedding day upsets you.

I got married 12 years ago (was quite young) and I felt a bit upset by memories of it for a long time really as I felt my husbands family took it over. Not only was there far more of them at the reception (his family is huge) but it was supposed to be a small 'intimate' wedding and we had relatives of his that I had never met before (and hubby hadn't met for years!)and have never met since!! Some close friends had travelled a distance to come so I had booked them a room in the venue - some of his relatives hijacked it and our friends had nowhere to sleep. His Dad was at our top table and gave an impromptu speech (I had never met him before as his parents had split a long time before) and just having him there made my MIL really uncomfortable I think which may also have let to final straw.... my MIL gatecrashed our first dance on a tiny dancefloor (intimate reception!) with her sister and they 'bumped' us off the floor!!!!

I think I felt mostly upset for my parents really as they had paid for the reception and were an afterthought on the day (along with my hubby and I!).

But the way I like to think of it now is that I really loved our ceremony. All I wanted really in the lead up was the ceremony and was happy to let others decide a lot of the reception details. I married my best friend and lover. 12 years later I still have my prince! We have a lovely little boy and another on the way. One party 12 years ago doesn't really matter all that much! We renewed our vows for our 10th anniversary and gave each other the wedding rings we couldn't afford for our wedding, we went for a lovely meal after with some family and very close friends.

You can let it go!
(mind you, I still hold the tiniest grudge against MIL for the first dance issue!!:) )

Your post reminds me just why we went away to get married.

Nothing much to think about apart from ourselves and how much it meant to be getting married. It was a hugely romantic and happy day.

If you do the 'big' traditional wedding, it is about everyone else really. I have seen many friends devote over a year of their lives to their big day and then hit a bit of a slump once it's all over.

The important thing is that you're happily married - forget the wedding day, or at least the bad bits, because they matter not a jot.

Oh dear Lord you really need to get over this!!!

Hi OP

My wedding was arranged in five weeks, as my mum had aggressive terminal cancer, and wanted to see me go down the aisle before she died.
Sadly, she died five days before the wedding, so it went ahead without her.
I was devastated to not have my dear mum at my wedding.

You, on the other hand, are whining because the rose petals scattered in the church were the wrong colour, and because your mate didn't want to make a speech.

What you have described is a typical wedding, with normal hitches.

I hate to break this to you, but you are not a princess, and your wedding was not scripted by Disney. People place waaaay too much onus on weddings.
Suggest you focus on your fab husband and lovely child, and stop dwelling over things that don't really matter, and you can't change.

I felt as if I was an outsider looking on for most of my wedding. The only bit I really enjoyed was the ceremony (I guess that's the important bit though!)

However it was a long time ago, I am with the man I love, have children I love and don't give it a second thought now. So, although I kind of understand where you are coming from, time to move on I think.

Sorry to hear you had such a sad time Pic