to have not enjoyed my wedding and to still get upset about it years later? (sorry a bit long)

[maive]

I have a lovely husband and beautiful child and have been very happily married for five years, but still get upset when I think about my wedding.

On the face of it, it was great - lovely venue, beautiful weather, close friends and family etc, which all went off without a hitch. However, on the day I felt like no one had really cared enough about me to do what I had asked them. Appreciate that that sounds like a typical bridezilla thing to say, but I am generally self sufficient and never ask favours of anyone if I can help it, and I was (and am still) devastated that no one seemed to take into account what I wanted from the day. I basically felt like I could have not been there and no one would have noticed.

A few examples: the minister ignored everything we had spoken about in pre marriage lessons and used the sermon to go on a rant about divorce; my best friend who I had asked to say a speech told me the day before that she didn't want to, and then proceeded to get plastered at the reception and run around with complete strangers who happened to also be at the reception venue; despite asking the florist not to sprinkle rose petals in the church, she took it upon herself to spread red rose petals everywhere, because she thought it would like "nice", even though our theme was cream and other flowers were all orchids; the photographer had his own ideas re the approach to the photos and insisted on "arty" structures to the group photos, so that the photo I have of us and my dear grandparents has them standing stiffly behind us, instead of us all having a lovely close cuddle; a family member who was the MC (at my mother's request) made the main speech all about historical family issues (my father died when I was very young) and hardly mentioned me or my husband or his family, and actually forgot to toast us as a couple (as he was toasting my mom / family generally); I had asked the minister to mention my father and my husband's father who had both unfortunately passed away and my mother spoke to him behind my back and also got him to mention her husband of ten years because she didn't want him to feel left out, even though he has had no involvement in my life, didn't contribute to the wedding etc; my husband is not the most romantic person and I felt like his speech was pretty emotionless, there were also a number of times during the day when he was talking to friends / family etc and made no effort to make sure he knew where I was, include me etc; when we went for couple photographs at the end of the wedding my MIL and SIL got all the left over wine taken away and started closing up shop as they thought it was time everyone went home, when I wanted them to hang around and have fun etc.

The irritating thing is that I didn't want to be an unreasonable bride before the wedding and so while I had asked various people to do particular things, I didn't make a big deal about it. I hoped that if they cared about me, and wanted me to be happy on what was supposed to be our "big day" they would have thought more about me and tried to do things which would make me happy.

I know I probably sound ungrateful and self obsessed, but I still take it all very personally even though its been years. I find it hard to look at photos or speak about the day without feeling hurt and getting upset.

Anyone feel the same? Any ideas how to move on? For the most part its not an issue, as I think of it as just one day and everything before and after has been great, but I would like to get over it and remember the good parts if possible.

Thanks!

Can't agree more with Pictish.

I'm staggered at how many women on this thread think the OP is NBU and are so utterly precious about the whole thing. Really pathetic and totally misses the point of what marriage is to me. Its not the dress, the show, or stage presentation.

Its saying your vows to the person you love most in the world.

Frankly, if you are getting upset at rose petals and still are upset about it then I'm glad it ruined your whole day, as you really have no clue about anything important in life.

The best weddings I have been to have been the ones where things weren't planned and the bride and groom left it to everyone to just help out and BE the wedding itself. Or it is went wrong everyone pitched in and make it right and somehow more special.

I think you're being quite harsh, Scarlet. The thing is, all the media out there and people since you are a little girl are all telling you about the kind of wedding you "deserve" and how you are a princess for a day, and it's YOUR day and you should love it and it should be the best day of your life.

I feel a bit under attack with what Scarlet said.

I just don't know how to put this without outing myself.

What I will say is that my upset over my wedding day is not related to the wrong sort of flowers, or bad speeches.

It was much much worse than that.

My wedding was very very low key.. we didnt have a lot of money, we just wanted to be married to each other. My dress was a tenner... no sit down meal, no speeches, no fancy cars.. no professional photographer.. at the time I was just so happy to be getting married I didnt even really care.. I have since watched other friends get married, and sometimes I do feel a bit sad that my own wedding wasnt all that glamorous.. and I should have put more effort into it... but we are still together ten years down the line.. still happily married.. and we are planning on doing a vow renewal this year for our tenth anniversary.

I dont think you are being unreasonable, but there is sod all you can do about it, and getting so upset about it still is just wasted energy.

I feel the same as scarlett on this.

I had no flowers, no wedding dress, no family. We married in the morning and my husband went back to work in the afternoon. No photos.

It was disappointing but the marraige hasnt been.

hmmm, I think YABU a little bit.

then again, when it came to getting married, i just wanted to get it over and done with. In my mind, my Dh was already my husband, he wanted the ceremony (and we both wanted the legality) for our families and for our ds.

i was glad it was over, my dress was beautiful but stupidly uncomftable

Why is everyone focussing on the rose petals? The OP talks about a number of hurtful things that happened to her. None of it may sound that bad to you; but she obviously feels hurt, and I imagine she knows some of these matters are trivial individually and shouldn't still matter (she says as much in her OP). Yet taken together, they made for a disappointing day that still bothers her. Being let down by your supposed nearest and dearest is not trivial, it hurts. Trying to make her feel bad because other people had terrible things happen to them in or around their weddings is just really off. (And I speak as someone who was carrying a dead baby when I got married - that's just one of a number of circumstances/events surrounding my wedding that were horrible on a subjective, and I believe, objective, level, and no matter how good my marriage has been, I'm not just going to forget that hugely disappointing/distressing day).

I agree. People are focussing on the rose petals because the OP was misguidedly put this in AIBU thereby giving people an excuse to be foul blunt.

It wasnt the rose petals for me, that was just one of the features. Tbh, the clincher for me was when the OP was upset that her DH wasnt "looking for her".We all view things differently and for me the OP sounded a bit "spoilt princess" in her description of the events . Just MHO.

My wedding was by no means perfect, various trivial mishaps such as the CD for 1st dance not working, pissing down rain most of the day in August, DSis deciding to announce pregnancy, me finding out that my cousin had a baby which I did not know about and hence did not invite etc.

But I do not care about any of this as my marriage is perfect and that is all that matters

Hathor don't feel under attack, i think we can see from your words your wedding was a different league of badness to op's. To op, I can understand being disappointed if you've spent a long time planning etc especially if it's family who make you feel bad but I would also say that its time to move on. You are happily married and that's what's important.

Scarlet "Its saying your vows to the person you love most in the world."

The way I see it is that what upsets her is ways in which she feels let down by people who love her, on her wedding day

My main issues at my wedding were venue and inlaw related. The venue and caterer messed up big time and the inlaws sat in a corner bitching about my friends and family.(& probably me)
I didnt see much of dh at the evening reception but i think it is a common thing that oh's go off to talk to old friends / family etc

Hated my wedding. Didn't then have the self-confidence and oomph that having the dc's gave me to even know what I was trying to achieve, and hadn't known dp long enough for us to have properly established a way to talk about what we wanted. Whole business was a bit of an embarrassment.

Honeymoon was lovely though!

Been married 21 years.

And boy am I going to be a pita when the dd's get married! They'd better slip out one lunchtime.

I got married 15 years ago. It was brilliant, our friends always comment on how it was the best wedding ever, set the bar high, etc. SIL & MIL desperately tried to copy it 4 years ago, MIL had kept a file with all the suppliers, etc. That did n't quite work because we're all a lot older now and SIL's friends were n't as cool as mine .

I don't particularly dwell on stuff, i choose not to focus on it but.....

On my day my Dad gave an embarrassing, insulting speech. My family hated the occasion, my parents hardly spoke to me for the next six months. No one from my family ever refers to it, it's as if it never happened. Turns out that although I was n't that fussed about the 'big day' my mother had been mentally planning it since I was born. In her head it would have been very different I would have left from the family home, in a rolls royce to the local church then on to a forte hotel. It was n't like that, i am not the daughter she dreams about, I never will be. it was my &DH's wedding not hers.

It makes me sad and a bit angry. Sometimes it's easier to moan about the cake or the flower petals rather then to admit out loud that no matter what I do I will always disappoint, intimidate or not conform to my family's desires. YANBU but you can't change the past or your family so.....it's difficult.

it helped this year when before I went to a 'family' thing i primed DH to watch out for signs of my parents disapproval. Hearing him after the event say 'your right' made me feel more secure and less mad.

I do think some people are being a bit harsh on the OP, and I think I get what she is saying- it's not that she is stamping her feet about the rose petals, it's about being sidelined on her wedding day, and I can identify with that.

When I got married I had 2 main wishes-

1. That it was organised so that my mum, who was chronically ill, could have all her needs accomodated, be part of it and enjoy the day
2. That all the guests would really really enjoy it, and talk about it afterwards, with fond remembrance

To that end, I focussed my planning on making sure the venue etc. could accomodate mum's needs (wheelchair, oxygen, room she could go to for a break, an area away from the band where she could talk to her friends, cars she could get in and out of) I tried to involve her in choosing the flowers (she was always into plants and flower arranging, me not so much!) She came with me to choose the band, and had a great night when I took her to see them. I took her for a whole day (where she was narky as hell, and embarassingly rude to the salespeople ) to choose her outfit (which incidentally took 4 hours longer than I spent choosing my wedding dress, and cost 3 times as much!). I had her hair done for her in a really expensive salon (I paid) and she loved it, and loved the being fussed over

The day was arranged so that the guests would be well entertained, well fed and well drunkwatered. Kids were catered for and welcomed. Speeches were funny and informal. I had my bridesmaids choose their own dresses, because I wanted them to be comfortable and happy in what they were wearing. I invited DHs family over to the house after the rehearsal the night before, as many of them had travelled a long way, and I put on a little buffet, that I made myself, to make them feel welcome. I put on hot food for the evening guests, because I know how it feels to rush from work to an evening reception, hungry, and get fed only a few sarnies that haven't been snaffled by the full-day guests as soon as they are put out.

In short, I thought I'd thought of everyone, but forgot myself!

Things that leave me sad and regretful about my wedding day are:

1. My mum was a real bitch to me on the day. With her illness she was always the centre of the whole family's attention, and she seemed to really resent me taking that away from her. I understand that her illness affected her personality and her mind at the end- my mum had always been an unselfish and heroic person, even smiling through a ceremony for my dad years before, while knowing (but not telling anyone until later) that the baby she was carrying had died inside her . However, on my wedding day, she made me cry- pursed her lips and said "Are you having your hair like THAT?" on my return from the hairdresser. Refused to say I looked nice when she saw me in my dress. Refused to carry my spare stockings in her handbag, as she had "no room". Refused to allow my dad to spend any time with me at all (wanted some photos), calling him away on the premise that there was a dirty cup needing washing, or a newspaper she needed handed to her.
2. One of the things I was looking forward to was my drive to the church with my dad. We are close, and I thought it would be a special moment. But my mum had me so upset, and my dad made excuses for her that I was teary for all the wrong reasons.
3. Because mum wasn't well enough, and dad had to be with her, I had to do all the greeting of guests and polite chit-chat, while DH happily got pissed with his mates, and didn't help me out at all
4. By the end of the wedding, mum and dad had left early, and DH was so drunk he hardly knew who I was. Meanwhile everyone was asking what I wanted done with my dress/ the cake/ the flowers, where could they get a taxi, and I was just overwhelmed. Especially as DH and I were going straight to the airport hotel. Luckily people (but none of my family) stepped in to help out (finally) but I felt very stressed and disorganised. I was mad at DH for being as useful as a chocolate teapot, and wondering what the hell I'd done marrying him!

We've now been married 10 years, generally happily. Mum is no longer with us, but, despite always loving her and looking after her until the end, I've deep down never really managed to forgive her for that day. I know she was ill, but would it have killed her to smile at me once, say I looked nice and that she was happy for me? She liked DH, btw, so that wasn't the issue. I have to admit I'm also still a bit resentful that DH had such a blast, while I did all the work. I don't dwell on these things as such, but you don't forget your wedding day, and I just wish I'd enjoyed it more.

God, sorry! That was v. looong

Have you thought about assertiveness training, or cognitive behavioural therapy OP. You are obviously still upset by these memories, and you are entitled to your feelings, no matter who on the internet says you need to get over yourself. (easy ladies!)

The thing about having these feelings of niggle and negativity is that they are affecting you now, even though it's long past the event, and that isn't healthy for you - you're not happy.
By having these persistent feelings and thoughts you are carrying around a heavy bag for years.... maybe it's time to give yourself a break and put it down.

Counselling might help you re-frame this past experience and give you skills to keep a positive outlook. Counselling isn't time travel - you won't be ever able to go back and change your wedding day, but it will help you focus on the things you DID enjoy about the day and help you put the niggle-some things into greater perspective.
It will help you to be happier which can only be a good thing.

Maybe go away somewhere lovely for your anniversary and create some good associations?

Whatever you deicide to do, I hope you can begin to focus on the good things that happened on you wedding day, rather than being obsessive about the things that didn't go quite, or at all, the way you thought.

You are entitled to have your feelings about your once in a lifetime day, I'm sure everyone here is rooting for you to be happy and healthy.
Good luck.

HTH.

One of the things that still irks me the most about my wedding is the buffet..

It looked amazing.. was just what we had asked for.... really gorgeous, loads of food. seafood platters.. meat platters...

I hadnt eaten all day due to nerves and by the time we got back to the venue I was ravenous, and every fecking time I tried to get to that damned buffet some bugger came up to talk to me....

I have wedding photos of the thing... I have photos of people tucking into it... I still have friends who ask who did the catering as it was so great..... and I still harbour a bitter resentment that I didnt even get so much as a fecking sausage roll or a prawn!!! grrrrrr....

Haven't had time to go through all the posts but there are still an awful lot of posts from people sharing that their wedding was a disaster/disappointment but their married life is now great and has always been....but isn't that a good thing? - the fact that their day to day married life is great?

I am beginning to be convinced that there is an inverse law : Wedding terrible, Marriage great. (Just like the mantra about bad dress rehearsal means great performance). I hope maive can take heart from this - if her current married life is great, then the wedding was probably one of those crazy blips that suggests a long and happy marriage to come.

Conversely, I know of so many unfortunate friends and acquaintances who had storybook perfect weddings down to the designer gown and the flowers (so stunning that they could have been in a glossy magazine), to the note perfect speeches, only to find their marriages ending acrimoniously some years later.

PS. I know I've already quoted another film/tv show, but if you remember the movie Father of the Bride (either Spencer Tracy's or Steve Martin's version), sometimes people behave abysmally at weddings - eg parents, close relatives or friends - not because they hate you, but because they are genuinely falling apart that the thought of losing their "little girl" or close buddy to another life that they know she must now lead. Emotions bring out funny reactions in people. Just remember the sort of person they always were, not the one they were on the wedding day.

OP can you have a renewal of vows or whatever it's called.

Tell DH about your disappointment and that you want some happy memories so are arranging a ceremony just for you, DH and DC and maybe one or two good friends or family - buy a lovely dress, go somewhere romantic/ exciting/ unusual and have a new 'wedding' to remember...... the Maldives? Iceland? S Africa? somwhere romantic in Ireland?, Iona?

Actually finding a good venue is half the battle, with a manager who can empathise with your wishes and arrange a lovely day for you.

At DD's wedding the hotel advised on everything and we just did as they told.

I appreciate how you feel.

My wedding was shite on every level. Not one bit of it cheers me really.

I looked a mess and the photos of the whole bleak dark wet and miserable day are dark and miserable and make me shudder on the very rare occassions I look at them. Actually I dont have any photos of my wedding day up anywhere and avoid looking at any as it just makes me tearful and cringe.

My poor brother had a lot of his wedding presents stolen at the reception (by the catering staff)...cheques and vouchers and what not :(

Some pretty vitriolic comments for a while there, but I suppose that is to be expected in this forum. For what its worth, the dreaded rose petals irked as when it was suggested by the florist ahead of the day I specifically said no as I wanted to keep things simple and not overdone (despite the assumptions by many, my wedding wasn't a vast lavish affair at all), so stepping into the church with my dear grandpa it was a bit of a surprise to see the place festooned like a clinton's on valentines day. Let's please not spend any more time on that though!

Thanks to those who were able to look beyond the trivial detail and understand what I was getting at, and also for sharing all of your stories and advice. To be honest, it doesn't come up much, but I was reminded of it a few days ago listening to someone sob about their birth experience and how it was not what they had hoped for, even though everything was okay in the end. Before the flaming starts, births are clearly far more important than weddings and I wouldn't even begin to compare the two, but I was lucky enough to have a lovely birth with my child which I remember with such warmth and love, and I felt sad for this person being unable to think of her birth without feeling upset and regretful, when I had such happy memories. It also made me realise that I wanted to release the negative feelings about my wedding, given that I have so much to be thankful for, hence my request for advice. Somehow just writing it down, and reading both the supportive and less than supportive responses seems to have already taken the sting out of it - it was almost the fact that it was like my dark secret that was making it hard to be rational in considering it. Although there are still things about it that I think will continue to hurt, I don't think they really have to do with the wedding itself, and I am conscious that I need to take steps to deal with those issues. And although it sounds like a good idea in some respects, I'm certainly not going to be mad enough to plan another celebration / vow renewal etc - should have just eloped in the first place!

I think some people are being a little harsh here.
Its all very well people trying to go one better/worse. In every situation that anyone complains about in life - there is always going to be someone who is worse off than you.
Yes this situation may seem trivial to some but the OP can't help her feelings - I'm sure she doesn't want to feel this way!
This is what is hurting her feelings, in her life right now - just because something worse has happened to someone else it doesn't make her feelings invalid!

I can relate alot to your feelings OP, We have been married 2 years and I have alot of what I suppose you'd call regrets about the day. That said, I think alot of my feelings will change once I have another milestone in life to concentrate on ie having a DC (which is proving impossible atm but thats another story)
I really wish I didn't have these thoughts/feelings about the day and I feel I could never speak to anyone in RL about them - even DH!

emoticon OP