to have not enjoyed my wedding and to still get upset about it years later? (sorry a bit long)

[maive]

I have a lovely husband and beautiful child and have been very happily married for five years, but still get upset when I think about my wedding.

On the face of it, it was great - lovely venue, beautiful weather, close friends and family etc, which all went off without a hitch. However, on the day I felt like no one had really cared enough about me to do what I had asked them. Appreciate that that sounds like a typical bridezilla thing to say, but I am generally self sufficient and never ask favours of anyone if I can help it, and I was (and am still) devastated that no one seemed to take into account what I wanted from the day. I basically felt like I could have not been there and no one would have noticed.

A few examples: the minister ignored everything we had spoken about in pre marriage lessons and used the sermon to go on a rant about divorce; my best friend who I had asked to say a speech told me the day before that she didn't want to, and then proceeded to get plastered at the reception and run around with complete strangers who happened to also be at the reception venue; despite asking the florist not to sprinkle rose petals in the church, she took it upon herself to spread red rose petals everywhere, because she thought it would like "nice", even though our theme was cream and other flowers were all orchids; the photographer had his own ideas re the approach to the photos and insisted on "arty" structures to the group photos, so that the photo I have of us and my dear grandparents has them standing stiffly behind us, instead of us all having a lovely close cuddle; a family member who was the MC (at my mother's request) made the main speech all about historical family issues (my father died when I was very young) and hardly mentioned me or my husband or his family, and actually forgot to toast us as a couple (as he was toasting my mom / family generally); I had asked the minister to mention my father and my husband's father who had both unfortunately passed away and my mother spoke to him behind my back and also got him to mention her husband of ten years because she didn't want him to feel left out, even though he has had no involvement in my life, didn't contribute to the wedding etc; my husband is not the most romantic person and I felt like his speech was pretty emotionless, there were also a number of times during the day when he was talking to friends / family etc and made no effort to make sure he knew where I was, include me etc; when we went for couple photographs at the end of the wedding my MIL and SIL got all the left over wine taken away and started closing up shop as they thought it was time everyone went home, when I wanted them to hang around and have fun etc.

The irritating thing is that I didn't want to be an unreasonable bride before the wedding and so while I had asked various people to do particular things, I didn't make a big deal about it. I hoped that if they cared about me, and wanted me to be happy on what was supposed to be our "big day" they would have thought more about me and tried to do things which would make me happy.

I know I probably sound ungrateful and self obsessed, but I still take it all very personally even though its been years. I find it hard to look at photos or speak about the day without feeling hurt and getting upset.

Anyone feel the same? Any ideas how to move on? For the most part its not an issue, as I think of it as just one day and everything before and after has been great, but I would like to get over it and remember the good parts if possible.

Thanks!

YANBU to still feel upset, it's a milestone day in your life and it didn't go as planned and that's sad. It doesn't matter if others have had better or worse days than yours - your day didn't go to plan.

BUT there is NOTHING you can do to change it, nothing, it's happened, it's in the past and somehow you need to find a way to deal with it. You sound like you have a lovely family and in many ways you sound like to have a lot to be thankful for. I hope you can find a way to deal with your feelings but at the same time don't dismiss them IYSWIM

Is there a list of positives that happened on the day? What was your dress like? Your bouquet? Were there family members you saw that you hadn't seen for a while? What did you laugh about?

I think more of us should have weddings like prizewinningpig's - after all, it's probably more of a reflection of what real life is like, eg grotty offices, a handful of good friends being there for you, being mistaken for others, etc etc. The money saved to treat ourselves on a nice holiday/spa visit/new dress/several nice outings would help soothe bad memories and insecurities a lot. I'm not being sarcastic, I'm just musing philosophically that maybe the society norm to have a dream expensive wedding and make it a grand event (a lot of people nowadays couldn't give a speech to save their life, so maybe they should no longer be done!) is unrealistic, daft and only creates pressure and disappointment for many. That's why the wedding organiser business has sprung up in modern times.

Another outlandish thing I heard recently is that there is now a trend of couples (or is it just ambitious brides? Or bridesmaids?) making a film or video of themselves in soft focus technicolour to screen at the reception - the bride and groom as movie stars in a feature film of their life stories and subsequent romance!!! (Cringe) Or if you don't do that you "ought" to at least do the digitally shot photo-story montage in a glossy album at the entrance of the reception with dreamy (posed) photos of bride and groom in the romantic photo shoot of their life stories/courtship. (Cringe). Cue lots of expensive photoshop work, because nobody looks like Brad and Angelina in real life, and lots of digital manipulation required to make bride and groom look "their best". One groom I know was horrified to hear he was expected to be part of all this!

PS I know one father of the bride who - despite being a great speaker, eloquent and having two degrees - couldn't bring himself to write a speech, so he asked his wife to do it for him. She wrote it while they were on a plane, he checked and practised it the night before the wedding, and on the day it was flawless and entertaining. But it wasn't written by him. One other groom I know asked his bride to write the notes for his speech for him, so he didn't forget who to thank or praise!

I didn't really enjoy my wedding, but to be honest however it had been i wouldn't have enjoyed it as i am the type to spend the whole time worrying whether things are going ok and everyone else is enjoying themselves. Everyone had a lovely time and it went very well, but I think you tend to notice any small problems much more when it is your own do. I bet no one noticed issues such as the scattered petals thing at all. Annoying that people didn't carry out your wishes. Is it possible you didn't communicate your wishes strongly enough and need to be more assertive? I enjoy other people's weddings much more as it is less stressful !

I knew someone who was friends with a vicar and the stories he came out with would make you feel much better about how your wedding went. One was that a groom had drunk too much the night before and he threw up on the bride's dress during the ceremony!

I've never seen the bride and groom video thing, that sounds horrendous. Weddings really are getting a bit ridiculous these days, the more I hear about this kind of thing, the more glad I am that we're keeping things very simple!

That's madness about groom/bride's father getting their wives to write their speeches. Why can't the women stand up and speak, if it's going to be their words anyway, and the men have nothing of their own to say?

OP has said it's not about the perfect wedding day per se - but about those who are supposed to be closest to her not paying attention to what she wanted, and I can understand that.

maive You need to ask to yourself whether you wanted a wedding day, or a marriage? It is just one day.

I wonder if you're being completely honest with yourself about it. Is your marriage completely happy - or do you feel, deep down, that your husband could be more romantic/attentive? Does your mum treat you badly in any other ways? Does your best friend often slight, or just on your wedding day? I would look deep inside yourself and ask yourself whether this is just about the wedding day. Or is it how your nearest and dearest treat you in general.

I did read your post and think, well I've heard a lot worse wedding day disasters than that! A disastrous wedding day shouldn't haunt you years later - because it's the marriage that is important. But this wasn't about a wedding day disaster, was it? It was about how you felt ignored (by the people who should care about you) when, as the bride, you shouldn't have been. So I think you need to ask yourself whether it was just your wedding day that was a problem, or was that just when this was most apparent?

It could be that a general unhappiness about how others treat you, or even how you allow others to treat you, is manifesting itself purely on your wedding day because that is traditionally the Brides Day. You may find that working on your assertiveness helps you to move on from this?

Another point to make is that many families think that weddings are a 'family celebration' not just the Bride's big day - and as such are public property - may explain your mother's behaviour?

Ephiny - that's society, isn't it?? I'm sure if aliens look at us, they'll think humans are very odd indeed. The groom and the bride's father were expected to give the speeches, according to tradition, but felt they weren't good at public speaking, so they got their wives to help out. I suspect more of this goes on than many men care to admit! Most men I know would much prefer to say nothing at all, and get on with eating their hot dinner and enjoying the booze, and those that do - many would wish they didn't, shall we say....... The man who can give stand up and give a very good speech - whether pre-written or spontaneous - is actually rare in this day and age, from what I can see.

YANBU to feel upset that your day didn't go as planned. I think that most people could accept that things don't always go to plan but I think when the day is ruined because you feel that the people who love you didn't behave as well as they ought to have it will of course be especially difficult to accept and will continue to be hurtful even after 5 years.

My MIL acted like she hated me on my wedding day and I am finding that really difficult to put to bed. Even though the day was lovely and deep down I know what matters is that I married DH and he was amazing on the day all I can think of when I think of our day is how much MIL hurt me & also how disrespectful she was to her son for treating me like that. I agree with you OP that I find it difficult to look at the photos without feeling angry & cheated.

I also agree with posters who have said that part of the reason you are still feeling hurt may be because you feel like you failed to take control on the day. I certainly feel like I walked right into the situation I found myself in on my wedding day and am definitely angry with myself over that.

Yes I know there's expectations/pressure for the men to speak, and there's nothing wrong with helping your partner with stuff like that - it just seems a bit silly and illogical. But yes that's society - and weddings in particular!

We're not planning to have speeches, as no one really wants to do one, and I've found them tedious and/or cringeworthy at most weddings I've been to. Just unnecessary IMO.

My wedding day was the worst day ever of my entire life.

It set the tone for the marriage which followed and I can look back now and see the seeds of how I would be treated for the following (almost) 20 years.

We are now divorced.

Please focus on the good and not the bad parts of the day - they're minor, honestly.

I can't put what happened on here as it would out me, but I can say completely and utterly that if I even think of my wedding day - as I am now because I am typing this post - I cannot do so without my heart breaking all over again and tears running down my face.

Count yourself lucky.

Sorry Hathor, sounds miserable. My wedding was crapola, but my dh loved it. I was in a completely crappy mood that I couldn't get out of and I wept throughout my vows. Love my husband, love being married. What I want to say OP is that it is easy to dwell on these things and pick away at them, it won't change. Everyone's right, you just have to move on. Was interesting to hear all your stories.

Agreed gethelp - sorry Hathor and others that had days that were less than hoped for, for whatever reason. Interesting to hear so many takes on the subject - particularly as in real life very few will admit to having anything less than a perfect day.

yanbu... but im the bride that had to eat mcdonalds because my mil only ordered enough food for her family, not mine... (the food was her present to us)

this is why I am never ever EVER having a big wedding

I think weddings should come with health warnings. Expectations are so high that you can't possibly have everything go the way it should and it's not like you can do it again the next week if something goes wrong (renewing vows or having an anniversary party sounds like a really good idea though).

It's the one day in your life where you've planned everything so far in advance down to the flowers, food, people you're inviting etc it's almost bound to have problems. I think people rarely build back up plans or factor in extra time for things to go wrong that you can get a cascade effect.

On the other hand, if something goes disastrously you may hate it at the time but it becomes a funny story in later years.

Disclaimer - I really enjoyed my day but I wish I'd had more sleep the night before and I wish we'd invited more friends and less family.

Things that annoyed me were my family members coming over to my house in the morning, parking across our driveway so I couldn't get in, demanding hot drinks, complaining when there wasn't any fresh milk or food the day before we were going on holiday, leaving all our cold drinks out of the fridge but putting the gone-off milk away, me asking them to do something simple like pick up a key from the other side of the room and them all staring blankly at me until I struggled over in my dress to get it. But that's just them (and I've moved a long way away from them now ).

Nothing went horrendously wrong although apparently the exhaust was being tied back on the wedding car just before it picked me up and DH's Grandma wasn't very well but she made it to the wedding and we have some lovely photos of her and DH. As far as the other guest were concerned everything went smoothly.

My wedding was fabulous. It was the best day of my life. However, my marriage has been miserable and I am getting a divorce

I think we've all been seduced by the 'Weddings should be the best day of your life' and it 'needs to be perfect.' Weddings have become an arms race to see who can spunk the most money in the most ostentatious way possible.

Thing is, with one or two exceptions all the weddings I've been to blur into one and were a much of a muchness. The ones that stand out were of people I am particularly close to, rather than the ritziest ones.

I study nineteenth-century history. When we look back at the incredibly expensive and very regimented displays of grief and mourning that constituted a 'decent' funeral, for Victorians, it appears that they were gripped by a collective madness: working-class people would often send the family below the breadline to pay for these rituals.

In 50 to 100 years hence, people will look at the expense lavished on late 20th century/early 21 century weddings and the crippling expense lavished on them with similar degrees of incomprehension.

Oh dear, if you haven't got over this yet you have bigger problems than a less than perfect wedding day. Seriously, no one has everything how they want it, as in truth weddings end up being about everyone but the bride. Parents just have to stick their oar in, photographers will be divas, it's how things are.

It's not the wedding that matters, it's your future as a couple.

OP, I have not read all the comments, but just wanted to say, I really know how you feel. My wedding is similarly remembered by others as being a wonderful occasion, but for me, it was utterly false, just one big people pleasing exercise and general disappointment. Even the dress was just not what I wanted at all. The worst part for me was how I was brow beaten into inviting DH's ex to our wedding. One of DH's and his ex's friends agreed to be our back up photographer. There are more shots of her at our wedding than there are of me!!

I still think about it and can't help reorganising the whole event in my head again, just as I would have wanted it.

You have my sympathies, but just try to focus on the good things you have now.

I must admit, i read the OP and thought "are you SERIOUS"?

Just read and did a big "hear hear" to pictish's post

FFS, the colour of the rose petals

ArielNonBio - I might have been at your wedding, or one very like it anyway...but at that particular wedding I went to, I didn't really know the bride (in fact had never met her before) as the groom was a friend of my BF at the time.

So on the day I hung around with my BF's friends and kept away from the family...but when I saw the bride looking so sad I wished I could go up and give her a hug.

BF is now exBF so I don't know the couple any more & if they are still together or not!

I have a lovely husband and beautiful child and have been very happily married for five years That's all that matters in the end isn't it?
I had a similar experience to Pictish - my dfil was also terminally ill and didn't make it to the wedding so it was very strange for us to be celebrating a happy event knowing he was dying in hospital. He died on the last day of our honeymoon so we returned home for a reunion of wedding guests at his funeral. It wasn't what either of us were hoping for or expecting when DH proposed and we started planning the wedding, but in a funny sort of way it made those vows of for better for worse and in sickness and in health even more meaningful. As Pictish has already said - I wish all we'd had worry about was the wrong sort of rose petals. But the funny thing is we both look back on our wedding as a happy day - dh says he doesn't know how he'd have got through the death of his father without it, more a case of the wedding soothing the pain of his father's death than the death taking the shine off the wedding. OP - you need to get some perspective.

I thought my wedding was rubbish too but my guests all seemed to have a ball.

grumblingalong, that's a pretty fair summary of mine, although our actual wedding day was nice (v v small, Registry Office, restaurant), the wedding celebration the next day, spiralled out of control, there was bad feeling with relatives about how we had chosen to do it and I was very stressed.

Now and again I think of having a vowel renewal or something, but then The Fear comes upon me all over again about how to do it without stress, so I don't bother.

We are happily married.

However, I think runningforthebus has a point

Weddings have become an arms race

SO true!