to have not enjoyed my wedding and to still get upset about it years later? (sorry a bit long)

[maive]

I have a lovely husband and beautiful child and have been very happily married for five years, but still get upset when I think about my wedding.

On the face of it, it was great - lovely venue, beautiful weather, close friends and family etc, which all went off without a hitch. However, on the day I felt like no one had really cared enough about me to do what I had asked them. Appreciate that that sounds like a typical bridezilla thing to say, but I am generally self sufficient and never ask favours of anyone if I can help it, and I was (and am still) devastated that no one seemed to take into account what I wanted from the day. I basically felt like I could have not been there and no one would have noticed.

A few examples: the minister ignored everything we had spoken about in pre marriage lessons and used the sermon to go on a rant about divorce; my best friend who I had asked to say a speech told me the day before that she didn't want to, and then proceeded to get plastered at the reception and run around with complete strangers who happened to also be at the reception venue; despite asking the florist not to sprinkle rose petals in the church, she took it upon herself to spread red rose petals everywhere, because she thought it would like "nice", even though our theme was cream and other flowers were all orchids; the photographer had his own ideas re the approach to the photos and insisted on "arty" structures to the group photos, so that the photo I have of us and my dear grandparents has them standing stiffly behind us, instead of us all having a lovely close cuddle; a family member who was the MC (at my mother's request) made the main speech all about historical family issues (my father died when I was very young) and hardly mentioned me or my husband or his family, and actually forgot to toast us as a couple (as he was toasting my mom / family generally); I had asked the minister to mention my father and my husband's father who had both unfortunately passed away and my mother spoke to him behind my back and also got him to mention her husband of ten years because she didn't want him to feel left out, even though he has had no involvement in my life, didn't contribute to the wedding etc; my husband is not the most romantic person and I felt like his speech was pretty emotionless, there were also a number of times during the day when he was talking to friends / family etc and made no effort to make sure he knew where I was, include me etc; when we went for couple photographs at the end of the wedding my MIL and SIL got all the left over wine taken away and started closing up shop as they thought it was time everyone went home, when I wanted them to hang around and have fun etc.

The irritating thing is that I didn't want to be an unreasonable bride before the wedding and so while I had asked various people to do particular things, I didn't make a big deal about it. I hoped that if they cared about me, and wanted me to be happy on what was supposed to be our "big day" they would have thought more about me and tried to do things which would make me happy.

I know I probably sound ungrateful and self obsessed, but I still take it all very personally even though its been years. I find it hard to look at photos or speak about the day without feeling hurt and getting upset.

Anyone feel the same? Any ideas how to move on? For the most part its not an issue, as I think of it as just one day and everything before and after has been great, but I would like to get over it and remember the good parts if possible.

Thanks!

i think you need to move on. nothing you can do about it. if it really is effecting you still perhaps think about renewing vows and creating memories/photos that are what YOU want.

to be honest i dont think anyone's wedding day goes according to plan. there are such high expectations of everyone that something does go wrong. why not think and concentrate on the good and the wonderful family you have now. its was ONE day out of your life.

I guess you have to focus on the fact you are happy now. Big events always have hitches, just try and laugh about them with DH.

I know someone who spent close to £40k on the perfect wedding only to divorvce 1 year later, he is still paying off the loan to this day - thats got to hurt.

No. I had a low key wedding and took responsibility for anything important myself. I didn't go in with the attitude that it would be the 'best day of my life' either.

You really need to suck this one up and get on with your life.

I was going to say YABU get over it, but actually, even though I don't believe a wedding IS about the Bride, it does seem that your family and in laws so the whole thing as their family event where you company wasn't really required!

YANBU.

You can put it right. 5 years is perfectly fine for you to arrange a celebration/blessing of your wedding and do it exactly how you'd like it done, mentioning those people you want to mention, BUT I would urge you do do it yourself... never rely on others for specifics! Have that party. DON'T make things too complex, rely only on yourself for doing certain things (DH and I did our own speeches as we knew the best man's would be short, my dad's would be long and pointless and FIL would forget everything)

You don't have to invite family, just friends. x

You clearly need to move on and appreciate what you have now. I never had a proper wedding and sometimes regret it, but I focus on my wonderful children and husband rather than the fairytale stuff.

I think very few brides would say their wedding was perfect every single second throughout the day. Everyone has their moments - this idea of the perfect day where everyone smiles and says the right thing is a myth. But you're married, you're happy and it really is time to move on.

A wedding should be about the marriage, not the trappings. You should try to focus on what came out of it - a happy marriage with the man you love. Don't dwell on the things you weren't so happy with.

If you are usually really easy going without strong opinions on things, AND you didn't express your wishes for your wedding day; these things may have been done with good heart

Your mum getting her husband mentioned is weird; the person conducting the service should have okd that with you. Florist and rose petals also odd.

But, I wonder if you are mostly upset by your husbands behaviour and projecting your hurt onto other people? If he had been wonderful, would the other stuff have bothered you?

well, the photographer and florist, you really should have stood up to on the day. I had to do this at my own wedding - photographer wanted to do photos one way and I said 'no, sorry, I don't like that sort of photo' and he did them the way I wanted them - we were paying him, after all. And as a professional, he was fine about that. Same with the florist, you were paying her, so you should have stood your ground, and if that meant that she had to sweep the rose petals up before you arrived then so be it.

But as for the other things, well, yes, I think you are probably right to feel hurt, and I probably would too. But, it was only one day and you have a lovely husband now and a beautiful child, and that is much much more important. Some people have a beautiful wedding, most amazing day of their life and a few months later they are divorced or bereaved, and surely when you look at it like that, well, being a bit pissed off that things didn't go to plan really isn't so bad in the grand scheme of things?

It's easy to say 'move on' but this has obviously really affected you I think part of the problem is that as a society weddings have become these monumental occasions that women are supposed to look forward to all their lives, they're supposed to be romantic, exciting, memorable, you're supposed to entertain your guests whilst having the 'best day of your life' etc etc. It's more surprising that more people aren't disappointed by the reality of a wedding day IMO. Or maybe they are, but few want to admit it.

I don't feel as strongly as you, but my wedding day was a bit of a disappointment if I'm honest. My dress wasn't quite as I imagined, my dh's family were a bit rude/embarrassing, my parents interfered too much and insisted on things I wasn't happy with, the best man's speech was UTTERLY awful etc etc. I do have some happy memories, but there are lots of negative emotions when I think back on that day too.

I think the thing you need to do though is work out why you feel so awful about it still and how you can move on from it. Does it highlight issues in your relationships with the people around you that need to be dealt with? And looking to the future, is there any possibility of renewing your vows in the way you want, with the people you want around you?

25 years on and I still resent being dragged away from my profiteroles at my reception; dh stills owes me a big bowlful.

I actually thought I was the only one!

I think scuzy is right, its about the fact you have such high expectations of the day it can never be as perfect as you think.

I might "out" myself by this, but I told everyone in the invite the traffic can be bad and as I am never late and wanted my wedding to be on time to be prepared for it. As some people (mainly DH family) were in traffic FIL came out of church as I arrived and sent my car away the driver listened and drove away with me squeaking in the back.

Service started 30 mins plus late, meaning photos were late and we arrived at reception venue late. I missed the mingle with guests bit at reception as I was rushed into the reception room at venue as the manager told me as I arrived that staff had called in sick and they wanted to get on with the meal so the staff could go back to the restaurant for later!

Oh and my DH's friends who got married after us, all used our ceremony as an example of "how terrible it is when a parent won't take a screaming child out of a service" A toddler banged his his head and screamed through vows and they kept him in church. Friends keep saying how it spoilt it and they will make or made sure that their vicar knows to order the parents out.

I spend a load of money on that day and sadly all I can think about is what wasn't right, it was 3 years ago and I still feel sad when I think about it.

I don't think you sound ungrateful or self-obsessed, you sound as if you felt ignored/insufficiently acknowledged/edged out on your wedding day, and it's affecting your sense of self, because you're blaming yourself at some level for not acting at the time.

I agree with those who say you need to let go, but I do sympathise because I can think of more than one occasion in my own past when something similar went on, I felt invisible and impotent, and I've not quite been able to let it go, because I get furious with myself for being 'weak'. Go easy on yourself, and bear in mind that you got the important stuff right - you have a happy marriage and a lovely child. The flower petals and family members being officious are just a detail in comparison.

You do sound ungrateful and self obsessed. It's just one day, not the climax of your whole life. You need to move on, and stop obsessing about the wrong colour rose petals.

If you want to know about a shit wedding, DH's beloved mum, - my new MIL died suddenly and unexpectedly soon after we'd left the reception. Now that has certainly cast a damper on all our anniversary celebrations, and we didn't get our lovely honeymoon either. It's just one of those things. Stuff happens.

Sorry pressed post too quick, I do however feel grateful for getting a great DH and I now have a wonderful DD.

Sorry to hear you feel like this. I think the issue with weddings can be that you only, in theory, do it once and it's natural to want things to go as well as possible. It doesn't sound like you are being silly in a bridezilla way either, it's morre than you felt as if it didn't matter if you were there or not which can't be nice.
I can't really offer any such tips to look at the it more positvely than the one's you have been given (the nicer ones, such as trying to focus more on your lovely child / DH) but it may also help you to off-load a bit on here too. Writing things down, after all, is often very effective at clearing the head!

x

What a shame! It sounds like it was lovely wedding. Did you enjoy the day as a whole or did these niggles spoil it for you? Did everyone else enjoy the day? i think that you perhaps need to organise another 'big do'. Perhaps a 5th anniversary party? or maybe plan ahead to your 10th. And that can be exactly how you want it to be.

A wedding is for one day, a marriage is (hopefully) for life.

What are you spending more time concentrating on...

It's true what others have said that a marriage is about more than one day and that yours is a happy one is a lot to be thankful for. That said, however, I actually feel very similar to you - our wedding was lovely and overall a good day but several things still leave a sour taste when I look back:

• None of my close friends would be bridesmaid for me and I still don't really know why :(

- The best man's speech was awful, very short and with hardly any reference to us (BIL was BM because DH had been his, he wasn't really the best choice). My Dad's speech wasn't great either (and he swore which raised eyebrows with the ILs) and my DH's not much better, seems that none of the men in my life are good at speaking in public

• My Mum managed to flap, fuss and try and organise everyone throughout the entire day instead of just enjoying herself and leaving things to the professionals which drove me insane, you can see how tense I was in the photos

There's more, mainly in the same vein as yours but not much point going over it all. I think the things that really upset me were not so much about the day itself as a sign of deeper issues - the problems with my Mum and friends for example are still going on 10 years later :(

Do you think the reason this bothers you so much is because the wedding problems are related to other issues in day to day life? Or maybe you just feel sad that your one special day wasn't as special as you wanted - I don't think it's unreasonable to feel like that.

TBH I know how you feel. I had a low key wedding which my parents paid for, but put lots of conditions on (I couldn't wear a white dress, cheers mum). We nearly disowned each other over the invitations (which my DH made). It was a day that I endured, not how I ever imagined my wedding.

At the moment a few people I work with are getting married, and arranging really special days. I am annoyed at myself for not making more of an effort at the time to have things the way I wanted. On the other hand it was 12 years ago,we are still together and when I got the album out the other day it was nice to see my granny looking happy in the photos.

Obviously there are bigger things in life to fret about, but I can see why this is still bothering you, as you clearly were pretty ignored in some respects.

What I would do, as a celebration of five years or marriage, is book a lovely renewal of vows on an exotic beach somewhere, and take your DC as well as a couple of the people you like most in the world who will listen to you and help you be the centre of attention. See if it goes better the next time.

I sort of get you, we had a big party which was exactly everything that I dislike in weddings - I thought it was impersonal, but DH wanted it and to be honest I just put it to the back of my mind, it doesn't really matter.

My wedding wasn't what I really wanted either - DH has a difficult family situation, and it made quite a few things awkward, I was quite young and didn't really know exactly what to do about some things or how to stand up for myself when I was put under pressure to do some things. Then on the day, there were a few things that annoyed me like guests turning up in jeans, or rubber beach flip flops

My sister's wedding a few years later seemed much 'better' to me at the time - more 'weddingish' because no awkward family situations, and they spent more money on things I wished I hadn't scrimped on.

But really, it doesn't matter - my sister is now separated. It's just a day. Like me, you probably need to take it as a lesson in standing your ground (like with the florist and photographer) and let the rest go.

YA (kind of) BU to still get upset about it - the important thing is that you're still happy together.

Rather than focus on the wedding, concentrate on organising a fantastic 10 year anniversary renewal of vows do for a few years time - and this time be a total bridezilla and make sure everything goes exactly how you want it to

I thought my wedding was rubbish too but my guests all seemed to have a ball. A little part of me will never forgive my dad for not mentioning me AT ALL in his father of the bride speech.

The marriage bit has been better than I thought it would be though so I've got over it. YABabitU to still be dwelling on it now.