to have not enjoyed my wedding and to still get upset about it years later? (sorry a bit long)

[maive]

I have a lovely husband and beautiful child and have been very happily married for five years, but still get upset when I think about my wedding.

On the face of it, it was great - lovely venue, beautiful weather, close friends and family etc, which all went off without a hitch. However, on the day I felt like no one had really cared enough about me to do what I had asked them. Appreciate that that sounds like a typical bridezilla thing to say, but I am generally self sufficient and never ask favours of anyone if I can help it, and I was (and am still) devastated that no one seemed to take into account what I wanted from the day. I basically felt like I could have not been there and no one would have noticed.

A few examples: the minister ignored everything we had spoken about in pre marriage lessons and used the sermon to go on a rant about divorce; my best friend who I had asked to say a speech told me the day before that she didn't want to, and then proceeded to get plastered at the reception and run around with complete strangers who happened to also be at the reception venue; despite asking the florist not to sprinkle rose petals in the church, she took it upon herself to spread red rose petals everywhere, because she thought it would like "nice", even though our theme was cream and other flowers were all orchids; the photographer had his own ideas re the approach to the photos and insisted on "arty" structures to the group photos, so that the photo I have of us and my dear grandparents has them standing stiffly behind us, instead of us all having a lovely close cuddle; a family member who was the MC (at my mother's request) made the main speech all about historical family issues (my father died when I was very young) and hardly mentioned me or my husband or his family, and actually forgot to toast us as a couple (as he was toasting my mom / family generally); I had asked the minister to mention my father and my husband's father who had both unfortunately passed away and my mother spoke to him behind my back and also got him to mention her husband of ten years because she didn't want him to feel left out, even though he has had no involvement in my life, didn't contribute to the wedding etc; my husband is not the most romantic person and I felt like his speech was pretty emotionless, there were also a number of times during the day when he was talking to friends / family etc and made no effort to make sure he knew where I was, include me etc; when we went for couple photographs at the end of the wedding my MIL and SIL got all the left over wine taken away and started closing up shop as they thought it was time everyone went home, when I wanted them to hang around and have fun etc.

The irritating thing is that I didn't want to be an unreasonable bride before the wedding and so while I had asked various people to do particular things, I didn't make a big deal about it. I hoped that if they cared about me, and wanted me to be happy on what was supposed to be our "big day" they would have thought more about me and tried to do things which would make me happy.

I know I probably sound ungrateful and self obsessed, but I still take it all very personally even though its been years. I find it hard to look at photos or speak about the day without feeling hurt and getting upset.

Anyone feel the same? Any ideas how to move on? For the most part its not an issue, as I think of it as just one day and everything before and after has been great, but I would like to get over it and remember the good parts if possible.

Thanks!

I had a really small wedding.

My parents could not come. They had promised to look after my sisters daughter that weekend, as she was sitting an exam in another town, it turned out. So in fact, nobody from my family came, aside from ONE cousin.

That was of course a little sad.
But, so what?

Another one to applaud pictish. Sorry.

Pictish - I wonder whether your mum was not thinking of herself being present but also of giving the family something happy to focus on at such a sad time. I'm sure it was a great comfort to her that she knew the family would be meeting in joyous circumstances regardless of whether she was there.

A few of the things you mention are very petty, honestly.

But others I can understand and I do see why you're upset about not feeling cared for. My wedding was, from that point of view, a bit of a mess (my mum was particularly horrible, and I too got a twittish priest who lectured us on pre-marital sex (that we didn't have) and so on). I do feel sad about it and it is really easy to let that sadness transfer from the stuff I couldn't change - like my mother! - to the stuff I so easily could have done differently, the trivial stuff like the flowers or whatever. I wonder if that is what you're doing?

If so, well, yes, you have to accept it and move on. It was a wedding. Now you have the marriage. You can throw another party whenever you like. I'm sure there are thousands of other women and men who have to remind themselves of the same thing!

As a handfasting celebrant, we get a lot of couples who have a handfasting/wedding blessing because the original wedding didn't live up to their hopes and dreams. Because they have more flexibility with the handfasting and we put a lot of time and effort into creating a bespoke ceremony for the couple it makes it into something really special. Maybe you could look at something like that for a 5 or 10 year blessing if you wanted to?

Or you can just do what somebody else I know are doing, they are getting married again on their wedding day! Invitations are out, complete with a wedding list at John Lewis. They need new coffee makers, want vouchers so they can replace their fridge freezer, they need a steam cooker... The list goes on! (oh, and they only got married last year)

By last year, I mean figuratively. They are not actually getting married again just a year later. That would just be weird.

Thanks, but it's ok. It was one of those grisly things that life throws at us, and we cannot change. I don't dwell on it.
Unlike the OP and her wrongly coloured rose petals.

Hello OP, maybe you can take heart from the Sex and the City episode (if you don't watch it, just take it from me that it was a good storyline! Won't make you watch it, haha) where Charlotte and Harry got married - in the show they are a loving couple and their relationship stands the test of time, or rather, they are still together when the series winds up. The wedding goes disastrously, things that can go wrong pretty much do, eg things breaking, inappropriate best man speech (yes, he ranted about bad relationships too!) and the bridesmaid nearly burning the place down by accident (she wasn't that drunk but she was a bit emotional). Then they whisper to each other that apparently the more disastrous the wedding, the more likely the marriage will be happy and last a long time.
FWIW, one of the most disastrous weddings in real life happened to a couple who are good friends of mine (I didn't know them when they got married) - including a drunk priest who messed up the ceremony and a best man who wasn't quite all there! Over 25 years later, they are still one of the strongest couples I know, and both are lovely parents and individuals. Salt of the earth.
From your account, it does sound like you got ignored/disregarded a lot, and that people with important tasks to do messed up, but maybe the important thing is that they seemed to have enjoyed themselves so much (eg your husband) at this happy event you put together, that they got a bit carried away with the excitement of it all - which is a sort of compliment to you. In a roundabout sort of way.
Would you rather be with a husband, friends and family who conduct themselves impeccably and have high standards such that they do you proud (nay, they do a glossy magazine proud, even) at a wedding, but are cold, self centred and judgemental in real life, or would you rather have the same loved ones being flawed, scatty but ultimately loving and loyal to you no matter what happens? I can say from personal experience it often ends up like that.
So maybe that is what your destiny is going to be, and hopefully in time to come, you can say "it was SO bad, it really was, that you just have to laugh at how bad it was." But for now, to maintain your sanity, and let some healing time pass, I'd suggest locking away photos and wedding memorabilia for the next 5 years (don't even have a photo on the wall/mantelpiece of the wedding day - my long time married friends don't have one, their album is locked away in a cupboard!) and enjoy doing things together with your husband and your child every week, and just enjoy having them with you. Live in the present, don't think about the past.

Well said Pictish- sorry you had genuine heart ache on your wedding day

Definitely agree there are better things in life to focus on, and not dwell on what can't be changed now...but...I do think there are a few things about the speeches which ought to be sacrosanct and it's fair for the bride to feel upset if they are neglected if it seems like everyone is mentioned but her.

I was once at a low-key wedding where the father of the bride chose not to make a speech, her husband stood up for 30 seconds and thanked everyone who had helped them with the wedding, not mentioning his wife at all, and the only 'proper' speech was from the best man who went on about what a great guy the groom was. So the poor bride had no-one stand up on the day and say, doesn't she look lovely and what a wonderful person she is. She looked miserable and the evening ended with her in tears.

I've never forgotten what that day felt like and thought 'if I ever get married I'll make sure my groom knows he needs to say at least 1 nice thing about me!'

So when I did finally get married, DH was well-briefed and said some really lovely things (he got a bit misty-eyed in the middle, bless him) but got muddled at the end and forgot he was supposed to raise a toast to me, and said 'The bridesmaids!' ...I teased him about it afterwards but in the context of all the nice things he'd said about me I can live with the fact he forgot to toast me...

His best man did exactly the same as at the wedding I was at years ago, around 10 mins about what a great guy DH was and barely a mention of me. Of course the best man's speech is supposed to be about the groom, but all best men should have it drummed into them that they should remember to say 'X is a great guy and we're so happy he's met Y who is so perfect for him and we love her too' or words to that effect. Just a little thing, but these little things do make a difference in life.

As for the vendors/ministers etc people whose job it was to conduct the wedding, just don't use them again or recommend them to anyone. And no gifts for the minister at Christmas or Easter! Give them a wide berth but don't take it upon yourself to spread bad reports about them - that only leaves you with a sad chip on your shoulder, which ultimately hurts you more. HTH!

I went to a wedding where the father of the bride made some comments about how sexy the bride looked in a leering manner. It was awful and I still feel so sorry for her.

I could have written that, OP. YANBU to have felt like that but you do need to get over it.

No one was excited about my wedding except me! I had to nag my mum to even think about going shopping for her outfit which she finally bought the week before under duress, on the hen do some of my hens didn't turn up and the do itself was extremely low key (I did enjoy it though), the alterations on my dress had been done wrong and I spent the last night as a single woman trying to find someone who could alter the dress overnight, we didn't know until two minutes before if my brother would even turn up, none of my husband's family told me I looked nice, the bridesmaid got pissed and couldn't do any of her duties, I didn't get any food because I was so anxious to ensure everyone was ok and enjoying themselves, I had to queue at the bar and pay for my own drink at one point, my two best friends had a massive row, and the dear groom had not even planned his speech and made it up on the spot and he neglected to even mention me once. Oh and the photos were shit.

But when people talk about our wedding, they still say ten years later how lovely it was!

prizewinningpig You described my wedding exactly too, only we had our parents and a friend each. We couldn't stand all the rules and regulations and have-to's have must-haves of modern weddings. We just wanted to marry each other! My dress from the high street - a white lace, knee length sun dress - we bought DH's suit the day before, we found a student photographer to tag along and we got married on a (mercifully!) hot Wednesday afternoon in a registry office in Central London. I joked the room - which only held 8 - was like an immigration interview room but the registrars were very cheery, everyone was very happy and I genuinely couldn't have asked for anymore.

It's like that Chuck Berry song about the teenage wedding and the old folks wishing them well That's all we wanted; people to be happy for us! No sniping, taking over, bitching etc.

It seemed like by subscribing to the big wedding causes many hassles and set ups for disappointment. I'm sorry OP, that you still feel upset, but I truly feel I intentionally dodged a bullet. If I sound smug about that - well maybe it's because I put up with a lot of sniping from work colleagues and uninvited people saying it wouldn't be like a "proper" wedding, and in the end it turned out to be the most perfect time of all. Yeah there's tiny little things - like the group photograph, where we're all looking in different directions But who cares! I married the person I love most in the world. That's all I ever wanted.

I'm feeling a bit sorry for OP now - obviously Pictish had a million times worse wedding, for very sad reasons. But for us all to the jump on OP for being so petty in comparison is like - well - saying that none of us would ever get stressed or upset about any silly little things, because we're always remembering that somebody, somewhere is having a worse time about something more serious. And life just isn't like that.

Actually marshmallowpies, you weren't at my wedding were you?

It does seem odd to be still dwelling on fairly petty and trivial problems after 5 years. I would agree that your feelings probably come out of a general sense that you are not listened to, not in control of things, pushed into situations you're not happy with etc, especially when it comes to your family/ILs.

In that case, the way to move on might be trying to address those issues, which might mean working on your own assertiveness (this doesn't have to mean being pushy or unpleasant, just standing up for yourself a bit) and also accepting that certain people are the way they are, and not getting upset when they behave in characteristic ways!

Sorry - hit post too soon!

Forgot to say - you married your DH for him, not the right rose petals or people saying you looked nice. All that stuff - it's just details, incidentals. You have a marriage, and a very nice one judging from the fact you're only really hurt/upset about the day

Way, way, way too many people focus on the day - there's an entire lifetime of marriage after that! Too many people get married for the wedding, it seems. Focus on what you have - a great life, a great marriage, a great family you created :)

I agree badtasteflump - it's not fair to say "You can't feel bad, because I've had it worse than you".

But five years of mulling over those things isn't good for anyone, is it?

YABU...All of those ishoos sound perfectly normal to me. Agree with Pictish, you should count your blessings. Years ago I worked at a wedding venue, and all of the following actually happened....

A bridegroom who didn't show up. (Reception went ahead anyway and bride to be copped off with the best man!)

A woman who'd lost her mother 2 months earlier had a call 1/2 an hour before the ceremony to say her Dad had been killed on the way to the venue. (Wedding ceremony went ahead, reception cancelled)

Flowers, cake and cars all no-show. Bride stung by wasp and went into anaphylactic shock at reception.

Room where the presents were kept overnight burgled and all presents stolen.

Bride caught shagging the best man in the bridal suite 2 hours after ceremony. (Groom cut reception short and announced it over the PA system)

There, feeling any better yet OP?

Yes agreed about not mulling over Pictish - and having just read back my post I hope you didn't think I was belittling your loss . I'm a bit blunt sometimes - sorry.

I had the big white wedding and by doing that and not running off to a registry or escaping abroad,we opened it up to all of our family and friends and made it about all of them too, which is what we wanted (I understand not everyone does).

It sounds like everyone enjoyed themselves and you now have a lovely marriage so really the wedding served its purpose. Let the little detail wash over you if you can - you have to laugh or you'll cry!

I think you need to move on now. Most people experience things that don't go quite the way they planned, it's what you do about it that is more important.

Our photographer almost pathologically did not want to include our 2 children in our wedding photos!! (they were 2.5 & 1) I was annoyed until a friend gave us a framed photo of the 4 of us 'off guard' that day. It is beautiful.

You are lucky to have a lovely husband & child. Enjoy them.

Blunt is what AIBU is all about Badtaste!

Look there wouldn't even be an AIBU section if people weren't allowed to moan and vent over fairly petty things BUT seriously the OP says right off she is happily married with happy, healthy children! So she really does need to get a grip and then some.

I must confess here and now for having NO time at ALL for bridezillas or even women who 'dreamed of their wedding days' since childhood. Not saying OP did but there is so much utter bollocks talked about weddings. The expectations are ludicrous.